The Authentic Lesbian Review: Alice In Wonderland

alice-in-wonderland-coverLike many of society’s latest and greatest, there were multiple things about myself that I did not come to discover until late into my twenties. For example, I had no clue I too was susceptible to becoming star struck until Charlie Day was walking by the office, preparing to film a scene for It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. My best friend Elizabeth and I proceeded to stalk Danny DeVito’s trailer waiting for him (she’s obsessed). It was a no go, but we had a very interesting conversation with one of the security ladies and I got this cool ass picture!

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Anyway, I also discovered my extreme love for musicals and all things singing fairly late in life. I’m one of those people who walks around the house sing-talking out loud to myself (I answer I won’t lie) and it is glorious! Now, to add to my list of discoveries is porn parody musicals. Bill Osco’s 1976 sexual rendition of Alice In Wonderland for Arrow Productions is an instant classic and a must see! I can’t guarantee that you’ll bust a nut, but like most of the movies I review, this one will certainly entertain and I really can’t foresee a situation where anyone walks away disappointed.

Scene 1 – Kristine De Bell

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Kristine De Bell is almost too damn cute in that blue dress with her blue eyes and her hair flowing out like that! She’s already the perfect Alice and everything from the opening credits to the opening sequence makes me feel all happy and tingly inside. When we open, Alice, working as a librarian, is in a bad mood. Some dude named William, played by Ron Nelson, is all up in her space trying to push up, but Alice isn’t ready. He tells her she’s a girl trapped in a woman’s body and this gets Alice thinking. Here we get our first magical song, themed around Alice embracing her womanhood and growing up. There’s something about a singing woman that will always turn me on, just as there’s something about a person sized bunny popping up behind her that will turn me right the fuck off.

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Naturally Alice can’t help but follow the giant bunz through a magical portal. To be fair, I would have done the same considering his declaration that she can decide to grow up all over again. The special effects were pretty cool even if outdated and the whimsical accompanying music kept everything in perspective.

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Scene 2 – Kristine De Bell & Alan Novak

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As we all know Alice falls behind the rabbit and ends up lost in his woods. This time around though she falls into a lake or something and meets a gang of in-tune furry friends who make her feel at ease with the idea of being comfortable in her skin. They sing song #2, a really cute tune about living life to the fullest without fear of judgement or failure. Everything is okay as long as you want it to be. This is a good place for a splif if you’re into that kind of thing, just saying. After the song and dance, a still-dripping-wet Alice realizes she’s at risk of getting sick and needs to dry off. Of course there are no towels laying around the woods but the furry friends have an even better idea. They lick her dry from head to toe with Alice getting hornier and hornier. She controls her urges, but lets them know how she’s feeling, and after their approval she lays back and enjoys the licking.

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A now-dry Alice gets dressed in a newly gifted white skimp dress and top and heads on her way through the woods in search of the rabbit, but not before a stern warning from her cat friends to stay clear of the Queen. As you can see from the image above, our little Alice is no longer shy with her own body, and apparently a creepy guy voice looking in doesn’t bother her either. She came a long way in no time! At first I thought it to be her conscious but after he revealed he was in fact the rock she was sitting on, I was out. I will do and try a lot of things, my mind is never closed, but masturbating in front of a talking rock is not one of those things. I can draw my lines where I want dammit! Alice nonetheless continues to enjoy herself before getting dressed and being walked up on by that damn rabbit again.

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Mr. Pop-Up Bunny is still rude as hell but this time he invites her to a tea party. They’re already late because he’s always the fuck late (I have issues with the rabbit if you couldn’t tell by now) so he rushes her through the woods until they reach that little pleasant arrangement up there. They’re there for all of 2 minutes before The Mad Hatter, played by Alan Novak, whips out his dick causing Alice to cover her eyes in childish embarrassment. Of course the ignorant ass rabbit peaces the hell out, leaving Alice alone with a pretty out-there dude and his dick. Keeping up with her curiosity, Alice touches the Hatter’s dick and watches in wonder as it bounces up and down in response. Before you can get your hands back in your pants, her mouth is all over that thing and I’m no longer convinced Alice is a virgin, at least when it comes to giving head. She has the Hatter’s cum all over her lips before long and he looks more than pleased with the experience. Since this is her first time, Alice thought she broke his penis after he came and went soft, but couldn’t have been happier upon learning that wasn’t the case. Don’t you love it when things work out!?

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Scene 3 – Nancy Dare & Terri Hall

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After Alice sucks the Hatter off, there’s a ground-shaking moment, but not the type ladies hope for. Alice asks what’s going on and Hatter responds “He’s done it again…Humpty.” That leads me to believe shit it about go down. The pair run through the woods to find Humpty and another gentleman near a wall. After a spectacular rhyming sequence, we learn that Humpty fell off a wall, hurt his balls, and can’t get it up anymore. His last hope is a pair of dancing nurses, Nancy Dare and Terri Hall, who strut their stuff like there’s no tomorrow. They dance and strip in front of Humpty and the gang, touching and rubbing all over each other.

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Unfortunately Humpty still can’t seem to get his dick hard, but The Mad Hatter, never one to give in to a problem, suggests Alice try to help the broken egg. Humpty agrees to give it a shot and begins telling Alice how important and famous he once was throughout the forest. Between stroking and sucking his cock, Alice assures Humpty that just because he’s broken doesn’t mean he can’t still be great. Just as the words leave her mouth, he gets hard and she yells for everyone to come take a look. I got a kick out of how proud and happy everyone was as they danced in a circle singing “his ding-a-lings up” while holding hands. I wish people got that excited for me!

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Scene 4 – Bree Anthony & Tony Richards

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Lost in the woods again, Alice, The Mad Hatter, and Mr. Rabbit run into Tweedledee and Tweedledum, played by Bree Anthony and Tony Richards. This ain’t the story from your childhood though. Tweedledum and Tweedledee are love buddies who can’t get enough of making each other cum and cum and cum. They even sing a song about it! After introductions the team sits Alice in a chair for front row treatment and we finally have our first full blown sex scene!

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This entire scene is really fun and whimsical from the music to the character’s interactions. The feel is light and playful, which fits perfectly with the overall theme of the movie and I like how the main objective of getting Alice in touch with her sexuality is never lost. The sex between Tweedledee and Tweedledum serves as a tutorial and by the end Alice certainly gets the point. She watches as the pair gently touch and caress before giving each other head in the 69 position. Bree rides Tony cowgirl until he cums and the energy and passion between the two is undeniable. I wish there were better shots incorporating the action and the actor’s faces, but that’s more of a complaint about classic films in general. Overall, for our first live boy/girl action, this scene gets the job done.

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After the deed is done we get more singing and I couldn’t be happier! Alice is now in search of her own special someone to love/fuck and watching the development of her character is really fun. She’s fully invested at this point and what’s coming next promises to be good.

Scene 5 – EVERYBODY!

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Our 5th scene opens with our favorite trio sitting in the woods when Alice hears a scream in the distance. All three run up to offer help and stumble upon Gila Havana riding a knight, Bruce Finklesteen. You’d think that Alice understands by now, after watching the tweedles get their freak on for her viewing pleasure, but she doesn’t and instead breaks out into song about a nice girl like Gila fucking a knight like Bruce. Since she doesn’t know either of them, I didn’t really understand this point except for Alice coming to terms with fucking in public where anyone can see you, but it was still entertaining, especially the song. The whole gang joins in and before you know it everyone is dancing around. All of a sudden, a knight on a horse rides up, pulls Gila off her Knight yelling “I knew you were cheating on me you bitch!” and takes the knight away to the palace.

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Now, we get our first glimpse into palace life and it looks interesting to say the least. There appears to be a play or some type of performance piece going on. It isn’t until you see the king walking around and the common folk hanging out that you realize this is a just a normal day in the royal court. It’s time for another song, this time from the infamous cards and the choreography is amazing! I can’t believe the amount of time and effort that actually went into just this performance. I was completely glued to the screen and loved every minute of it. Alice and the rabbit find their way to the palace where she’s introduced to and carried off by the King. Of course they start talking about Alice’s virginity and her wish to save it until she’s married, but the King does bring out a valid point that most men learn by high school. There’s no guarantee that any of us will live long enough to get married. Hell, we might decide not to get married at all by the time common sense kicks in! Plus, sex isn’t a spot or blemish you carry around with you, so you aren’t ruining anything for your future spouse by engaging in a little coitus anyway. I like this King…dude is smooth in a Curtis Mayfield type of way and that’s always a good thing. Anyway, he helps Alice come to see that sex is all about trusting yourself, not other people, and right then in walks the Queen. Alice was in the middle of getting some royal head from the King when she notices her and quickly answers the Queen’s questions about who she is. Instead of cutting off her head, the Queen wants some head, but Alice won’t make it easy. She demands a fair trial and the Hatter has a book saying it is indeed true that she be given a fair trial. Personally I would have just given the Queen a good licking. She’s going to have to suck somebody off either way so why not get it out of the way now?

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The court scene is as entertaining as they come! Alice is charged with not having love and ignorance is no excuse. She hasn’t been living life to the fullest, so they’re going to make her start. She’s found guilty and the next thing you know there’s fruit and genitals everywhere! Women are sexily slurping down juices while getting their backs banged out and one of the card ladies eats a huge turkey leg while riding the King’s dick. Tweedledee and Dum make another appearance, this time a little more creepy than before, and a French speaking woman asks “who do I have to fuck to get out of this movie?” which I found pretty hilarious. There’s plenty of p-in-v to go around in this scene, although it does go rather quickly.

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Scene 6 – Nancy Dare, Terri Hall, Ron Nelson & Kristine De Bell

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Nancy and Terri bathe and powder Alice, getting her ready for the big event – her first time with another person! They even go as far as fondling her pussy a little to get her relaxed and ready. There’s lots of light kissing and pretty music but when the Queen walks in on the trio, the tone completely refocuses. The music now sounds like something Queen Elizabeth brushes her teeth to, and the mean Queen is giving out directions left and right. She likes her nipples toyed with as she’s getting head and Alice diligently obliges until she sees an opening to escape. Helped by her loyal pals, Alice, Hatter, and the rabbit make a run for it with the naked queen and her royal court chasing after them through the woods. The cartoon animation used in this sequence made it even more enjoyable. The only way out is the way Alice arrived: in the lake, and since she can’t swim that could be a huge problem.

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We’re back in the library now and William walks in just as Alice is coming to. Still in a daze, she tells William not to apologize for their argument earlier as she begins taking his clothes off. Way to go Alice! Out little virgin takes control of the scene like a seasoned vet and even tells William what she likes and how she likes it. This scene is deliberately slow and gentle, filled with lots of “you’re so beautiful,” and “I can’t believe this is happening,” but everything feels in place. Alice has been working up to this moment the entire movie so it makes sense for her to take her time through it, not to mention it is her first time with another person. When she says she wants to feel him inside of her William is so taken back he looks at her with a smile on his face asking if she’s the real Alice. Watching Kristine finally have sex was great, especially when she thanked the Hatter and rabbit out loud before cumming.

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I was truly sad to see this one end. It was a blast to watch, even if it didn’t get my lady parts throbbing as I’d hoped. The acting was terrific and the story was creative and fun. Seriously, you have to watch Alice In Wonderland just to say you’ve seen it.

That’s all I have for now folks, but make sure you follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for pictures, info and reviews.

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