We’ve been hunkered down riding out Hurricane Sandy here in the great city of Philadelphia for the last couple of days. We made it through safely and feel strongly that the porno must go on! There is no way we were going to let a little wind and rain stop us from one of our favorite posts of the year: Top Five Halloween Pornos!
Halloween XXX Porn Parody – While this porno isn’t new, it is a must-have on any top Halloween smut list. Lily La Beau is sought after by Michael Myers and she is totally into banging him when he is covered with a sheet. It is super weird and hot. I’m also not sad about watching her friends – Andy San Dimas and Lexi Belle – get boned.
Ghostlusters – Sure, I could have gone with This Ain’t Ghostbusters XXX, but how could I pass up this lesbian classic from 1990? I’m not sure it has much of anything to do with the busting of ghosts, but one look at those yellow anal beads and the pink vibrator and I had to put Ghostlusters on my list.
The XXXorcist – Disc 1 – The original Exorcist is hands down one of my all time favorite movies. The idea of having sex with, or going anywhere near, Regan totally skeeves me out in the best possible way. Tommy Pistol plays Father Merkin who takes it upon himself to fuck the demon right on out of Joanna Angel (Regan). There are three endings to choose from – Sad, Happy, and Fucked Up. For this and many other reasons, I love Burning Angel!
Vampire Sisters – This movie is quite different from my other campy Halloween porn picks. I reviewed Vampire Sisters last year and fell in lust with it. It was directed by Maria Beatty of Bleu Productions who totally rocks out with the high quality feminist smut. There are plenty of fangs, blood, and BDSM for your kinky little hearts. It is beautifully shot and you won’t be tempted to skip through the movie in hopes of finding something good because the entire movie is awesome!
Evil Head – Hot off the Burning Angel horror press! I’m not sure anyone will ever be able to make another XXX parody again. I mean, really, what other movie do you want to see turned into an XXX spoof? With the Book Of The Head, The Necronomicum and a crazy orgy with possessed trees, I’m not sure any other movie could compare.
Holy crap, guys! It’s finally here – the week I’ve been waiting for since summer started dwindling down. It’s the week leading up to Halloween, and if you’ve been following us smut peddlers for the last few years, you know that this is the week we dig deep into the depths of the site and pull out all the juicy horror porns to review! That’s right, we watch the creepiest, crawliest dirty flicks and bring the findings straight to your eyeballs. Pretty ghastly, huh? I am so excited!
Those pervy punks over at Burning Angel Entertainment are back with yet another insanely exciting Halloween porno. In the past, they’ve brought us the awesomely gruesome Re-Penetrator and The XXXorcist – Disc 1, and now we return to the hauntingly hot classic story of a brilliant doctor, his reanimated monster, and all the hardcore sex you could ever want. Oh yeah, we’ve got Fuckenstein!
Starring a spooktaluarly sexy trio of James Deen as Dr. Frankenstein, Joanna Angel as his darling wife (as well as the movie’s director) and Ramon Nomar as the monster himself, this shot entirely in black and white horror fuck flick is a shoe-in for one of the top Halloween-themed pornos of the year. Burning Angel seriously brings it every year, and this one is no exception.
Dr. Frankenstein is looking for something new to invent. Sure, he could make a box that shows moving pictures that people could put in their living rooms, but honestly, who would want to clutter their living room up? What to invent, what to invent! Luckily he has the lovely Mrs. Frankenstein close by to “jog” his brain with her begging snatch. The good doctor will do anything in the name of science, right? They start the action off right with an awesome pussy pounding. It’s really easy to see that Joanna Angel is really getting off over and over again. There are no faking orgasms here! Yum! While I’m not sure if the pair was still a couple during this shoot, it’s definitely evident that they know each other’s bodies well and really know how to get each other off.
During that intense pussy pounding, Dr. Frankenstein sticks his fingers into his wife’s ass, which introduces the idea that they should have a threesome, so she can have two penises inside her at the same time. Unfortunately she is not interested in boning the good doctor’s assistant, Igor, and she shoots down Frankenstein’s idea of bringing Napoleon and Oscar Wilde into the mix. Who else is left???
But wait! Dr. Frankenstein is a brilliant scientist! Why doesn’t he just make a man that’s good for relieving… tension (oh wait, I think I’m lapsing into Rocky Horror Picture Show references). Anyway, Frankenstein decides to build a man that can bang Joanna in the booty while he fucks her from the front. Again, everything for the sake of science!
But why should the missus have to wait until her man-made man is alive and ready? She heads over to the lab to see what’s on the slab (damn yee Rocky Horror references!) and fucks herself at the sight of her newly created man-monster. During her mind-blowing orgasm, Mr. Frankenstein hits the button to shock the monster to life, and of course she must welcome him into the world with a hearty blowjob. It’s alive!!! The cock is alive, huge and hard! And Ramon Nomar’s monster makeup isn’t too shabby either. Soon Joanna is atop the table, riding her monster and using the table’s chains to stable herself as she pumps his thick dick with her pussy. And as this monster is still new and fragile, she may accidently rip off a limb or two. Who needs two legs when they’ve got such a big one between their legs, right?
Some other stuff happens, but I’m gonna skip over that to keep this already long review a little shorter, and finally the doctor, his lady, and the monster are all getting it on and she gets the double penetration she’s been craving. It’s the best! Dr. Frankenstein may end up losing his head, but hey, we all can’t come away totally complete, right?
This is definitely one of the best horror porns I’ve seen in a long time, and what makes it even better for me in the short behind-the-scenes at the end that offers us a look into the making of Fuckenstein.
It’s not really the time of year that we traditionally review horror porn (it’s why I love October so much!), but when I stumbled across Tails From The Zipperin our WTF? Category, I just knew it had to be today’s review. I mean really, with a description like this, can you see why I wouldn’t be able to pass it by?
“Tails From The Zipper offers a chilling change of pace from the usual adult fare: You like sex with a SCREAM? Want some HORROR with your HUMPING? How about something CREEPY with you CLIMAX? Come see what’s behind these tails! You might not get SCARED, but you’ll definitely get STIFF!”
Exactly. Oh, horror porn, I love you so!
On quick examination of the movie, I would give an educated guess that it’s probably mid-‘90s smut. There is no date on the box cover, but this movie is drippppping with ’90 flair.
We start with “Who’s The Dummy,” a ridiculous story about a mannequin that was cursed by the Nazis. Yep, that’s creativity if I ever saw it! Anyway, Randy West gets a job at the warehouse where the mannequin is in storage and he is warned to not touch it. Apparently a man who kisses the mannequin at midnight will have terrible, heinous things happen to him. And if you heard a curse like that, wouldn’t you want to test the theory? Well, of course Randy does and gives her a big smooch at the witching hour (after checking out her hot plastic ass). One kiss and poof – the dummy comes to life (shocker!) and wants to fuck!
The mannequin (who I will refer to as “Manne”) only talks French, but she bridges the language barrier nicely with her body language. It’s not long before they are going at it, with West face first in Manne’s wet pussy. They fuck all over the warehouse, in all sorts of positions, with lots of close up angles and fun shadow blowjob shots. But the real question is, what are the terrible, heinous things that West was warned about? West turns into a mannequin himself! Cheesy and totally awesome!
Next story is called “Too Old, Too Young” – a scene that starts with two very old women who get a package in the mail. What is it? Two beautiful necklaces and a spell that someone sent them on how to become young again. They must wait for a full moon, then put the necklaces on, hold hands, say some shit and kiss. Where does this lead to, you ask? Obviously the pair become young again and fuck each other. It just so happens that they have sexy lingerie on under their granny dresses and they waste no time getting their clothes off and their hump on. They even have a dildo laying around, which I do think every woman, young or old should have! I don’t actually see any “horror” or anything in this scene, but the sex is hot, so I’m not that disappointed (though I do feel a little cheated).
And lastly “The Black Widow” comes to us in scene three. Randy Spears goes out on the town and tries out a new bar to find some different pussy to bang. He locks eyes with a lady across the room and he is instantly drawn to her. Then everything goes black and next thing he knows it, he is somewhere different, sitting naked in a chair. She has some sort of power over him and wills him to fuck her (which he isn’t too bummed about. And then she does what a Black Widow spider does – she leaves her web and keeps Spears forever.
Overall impression? Weird in a porno way, but definitely not as exciting as I hoped it would be.
Since today is Friday the 13th, you really do need to take a look at this awesome horror flick parody porn. I mean really people, they make Camp Crystal Lake into a nudist retreat. Can you beat that? Not likely.
I think I actually squealed the first time I heard about this awesome porno parody. I’ve been a total Human Centipede follower since I first found out about it last year and obviously saw it the minute I could convince friends to watch with me (I don’t do horror alone). I am a big fan of both the concept and execution, which isn’t always easy when it comes to a new, unheard of scary story plot line. Basically, the quick story is: a mad doctor gathers three tourists (two American women and one Japanese guy) and sews them together by the digestive system to create a human centipede. Pretty fucked up/awesome horror movie idea, right? Now onward to the porno!
Pornofied, this story is less scary sewing together folks and more an insatiably horny trio that are jumping at the chance to get linked up – mouth to genitals – to form a creature of ultimate sexual enjoyment. At first it seems like all of this is against their will, but we soon find out that this is exactly what each of these super sexy folks want! And there is nothing scary about that!
Now, I’m not gonna lie, the fucking in this flick is nothing super special to me. Don’t get me wrong – it’s really hot, but not too different than all the other mainstream movies out there. The same oral, intercourse, cum on my chest business for all five of the fuck scenes. The shining part of this flick is totally the “mad sex educator,” Tom Byron. His one-liners are fucking hilarious and he does an awesome job of being the good doctor. He does pretty good work of screwing Amber Rayne as well, while we’re talking about his attributes. If you’re on the fence about watching this movie, do it for Byron’s part – you won’t be sorry.
Fans of parody, horror, pop culture and/or quality porn will love this movie. And really, if you don’t fall into one of those categories, we don’t want to know you anyway. See, one liners are the best!
Happy Halloween week! I am so excited for this first horror porn review of the year!
Alright, I’m gonna cut to the chase with this one. I’m not even totally sure if I would call this movie porn really. It’s more of a softcore sexy flick with tons of naked lady flesh, but not one cock shot to spare. In fact, I don’t think the dudes even take their shirts off at all. But what this movie lacks in sexy quota, it totally makes up in blood, guts and gore, which for me is a completely valid exchange. Of course I wish it had both, but who’s going to complain when they get to see naked chicks pulling the guts out of a living guy? Not me!
Another cut to the chase moment – if you’re looking for a quick suck, fuck and get off, this is not the movie for you. I mean, we don’t even see any sexin’ til nearly 40 minutes in, but holy crap, once we see that sex, the action really begins. And I don’t even mean humping action – I mean gory, blood-filled, face ripping off action! Seriously – this woman as her fingers inside this guy’s face. She is literally fingering his face! Yeah, I got way more excited about that than the sex, but I’m not a horror movie nut for nothing!
I’ll be the first to admit I really have no freaking clue what was going on in this movie, and even after watching the whole thing, I am still completely lost. All I figured out is that there are a bunch of demon girls living in this old house that this paranormal crew is investigating and they lure the guys to fuck them, then rip out their guts and use their bodies in some ritual. Oh and they also roll on the ground naked and squirm around in bloody innards – need I say more. If you’re looking for a sex fuck flick, keep moving, but if it’s really cheesy horror with more blood and gore than you can shake a dismembered limb at, you’ve come to the right place.
Alright, I was sicko out of almost everyone I know that truly liked The Human Centipede. Yep, I’m talkin’ about that screwed up horror flick about a crazy German doctor attaching three people by their digestive tracks. What can I say? I love me an inventive horror plot!
So, when I heard that porno was taking on the awesomeness that is The Human Centipede, I was so freaking in you wouldn’t believe it. And look what I found today – the trailer!
Sounds pretty intense/awesome, right? I can not wait to see what kind of character Belladonna ends up playing. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she is one of the villains. It just seems so much hotter!
Writers Justina Walford and John Wildman couldn’t be more excited either.
We could not be more excited to have Michelle [Belladonna] be a part of this project. She was someone that Justina and I had in mind as a dream choice for this role from the moment we began thinking about casting. She has an innate openness and warmth that you can’t help but be drawn to. It will be a thrill to introduce her to a whole new audience and re-introduce her to Belladonna’s legion of loyal fans.
At this point in my life, I don’t think I’d be that impressed if real zombies started roaming the world… unless they were porno zombies that were looking to eat cock/pussy instead of brains. Ok fine, they can still crave brains, but I definitely need to see some fucking first. A sexy bits appetizer, if you will. Bone appétit! I think this means that I’ve officially watched way too much zombie porn this season, but really, is there such a thing as too much zombie porn? I think not… especially since Halloween is tomorrow!
Since we’re on the topic, let’s talk about a little zombie porn etiquette 101. Just because you call your movie “zombie porn” doesn’t actually make it so. First off, I want to see my zombie action in the proper venues. Zombies don’t fuck in bedrooms – definitely not ones with tacky bedspreads and awful motel art. They get busy in graveyards, abandon houses and basements. Anywhere dirty and creepy. I’m really glad that Zombie Nation keeps it real and has their undead pervs screwing in the correct places. These zombies even screw in an abandoned church! If that’s not the most fitting thing ever, I don’t know what is (I won’t go into the whole Jesus was a zombie thing – I’ll just say that he rose from the dead. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.).
Secondly, if I’m watching zombie porn, those fuckers need to look like the pale, grotesque undead that they are. I need ashen skin with green tints and mangled, holey clothes… well at least until they take them off. I love love love that this flick actually shows the zombies coming right out of the ground. With dirt on their clothes and all! And even their scantily clad zombies in stripper heels look like they’ve actually been resting in peace. See, you can be returning from six feet under and still be sexy!
And lastly, to keep me happy and horny, those zombies better be moving like a zombie would! When it comes to the sex, I want them to be fucking like a rock star, but when they walk, it better be shaky and look like they are desperately seeking brains. Yeah, I know there was a trend a few years back to make zombies all fast and shit, but that is so not the fodder of a true zombie enthusiast… especially not a zombie porn lover.
Nope, my creatures of the night better be walking like newborn puppies – all stumbles and disorientation. I mean really, you don’t rise from the netherworld and saunter around. It’s just not natural. Again, Zombie Nation passes with flying colors. These folks walk like the geriatric – just like they should! And they fuck like athletes! At this point, I don’t even really need to go into details of the sex – it’s all awesome.
If you watch one zombie fuck flick this Halloween season (or any time really) this is the one. Well, this or Re-Penetrator, but you already knew that. Happy Halloween!
It took me a while to pick this movie out of the bunch to review for today. Halloween reviews are some of my favorite of the year, and I wanted to be sure I was choosing something especially scary/amazing. I literally stopped and started 4 or 5 movies because they just weren’t right. I mean really, there was one that didn’t get down and dirty until 30 minutes in. While that’s usually fine, this important review needs a little something more. Something like Queen of the Porno Zombies! Seriously, this movie could a video of anything with a name as awesome as that! And we get Heather Hunter, a big-haired beauty with a body made for porno thrills… porno zombie thrills, that is. This is win-win all around!
After a Frankenstein-esque experience of accidentally getting zapped while watching a mad scientist zap another woman, med student Hunter becomes a sex machine, looking to get busy wherever she can. Though Hunter isn’t the best of actresses, she’s pretty hot in a totally mid-90s porno way, which is what makes it for me. Plus, her scenes are full of lots of close-ups, which I like… and which masks the awful ‘90s sets. Good job killing those two birds.
I think my favorite scene of this flick has to be scene 4, where Hunter is fucking the other zapped woman. Holy big hair humping! You can barely see their tits under all that hair! Must have been all that electricity in that zapping!
I love that this movie randomly goes back and forth into stock horror movie footage. It breaks up the scenes and keeps the non-sexin’ parts interesting and fun. I honestly might have cut the bad ‘90s techno music, but hey, I guess I can’t have it all, right.
I’ll admit that there was nothing scary or particular zombie-ish about this movie, which was definitely a disappointment, but really, how disappointed can you be when there is hot sex involved? And as I said above, the name was really what got me in the door, and I’m stickin’ to it! As long as I got naked folks gettin’ it on, It’s smooth sailing. No gore I can deal with, but when there is no sex – that’s when I flip the channel.