Philly Parent Tries to Get Son Laid – A Screenplay

On Tuesday, a very interesting ad was placed in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist Philly. Now, some people took it seriously, some people placed it as a fake or a secret call for a hooker, but everyone noticed it and mouths dropped. In the end, it was “flagged for removal” and that’s just :(

We had our own fun with it in a massive email thread and in the end, Robyn won as the best screenplay to follow-up on the future of said invitation. And then I fluffed it up a little bit for more dramatic effect.

So, with much excitement over ridiculous shit, I present to you, “Sugar Baby For My Son: The Screenplay”

Imagine – in a world – this kid, Sawyer, falls in love with the girl, Annabelle, and the feeling is mutual…they grow together in the heat wave that topped the world’s hottest tempatures of all time. They spend weekends concert-hopping in a way to continue their meet-cute story of two innocent teens trying to find love and music in the ignorance of the general Philly population. When the neon sun of summer starts turning August-golden, the humid steam over the Delaware slowly fades away, and Rita’s water ice starts closing earlier, they realize they are inseparable. Annabelle clings tighter as the thermometer gets lighter. She doesn’t want to break up with Sawyer when he moves to the Harvard campus, and admits the awful truth that she was a Craigslist find for his inexperience. Her financials are paid, and that’s how they were able to take that mountain hiking trip to the Adirondacks where he presented her the turquoise promise ring. When Sawyer learns this, in a moment of coffee-dropping, tear-fueld adrenaline, he bursts out with “YOU WEREN’T EVEN MY FIRST!” and stomps away. A month goes by, the leaves on the parkway turn to warmer hues of crimson and muted copper. The days are now efficiently chilled, as is Annabelle’s heart. She takes to Craigslist again, but can’t stand to meet anyone in the Missed Connections section and moves to San Diego, to forever bathe in the warmth that brought her and Sawyer together in love. Sawyer listens to Joy Division record for the entirety of September, deciding he doesn’t want to go to Harvard anymore. He does this because he doesn’t want to leave the love of his life, after realizing their bond transcended rules and time and parental plotting. When he discovers she took a one-way ticket to Cali one day, while placing Missing Person ads on Twitter, he is again devastated, and turns to Lisa Loeb tapes to cry to. With no Harvard fallback, and no desire to even proceed to a local college, he sucks it up and works at Lowes instead forever.

Fin.

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