Porn can be a tough business. Not only does a performer have to work hard on their body, perfect their scene skills, and constantly promote themselves, they also have to deal with a lot of people who misunderstand them, unfairly categorize them, or troll them on social media. We all know not to feed trolls, so let’s celebrate this industry as best we can by lifting up these hard-working performers. Porn is about fun and fantasy, and we decided to fantasize about porn stars we think would make great partners. Of course, these stars are much more than their relationship status, but this was a way for us to look past the stigma that working in porn has created and showcase that they’re worthy of just as much love as the rest of us.
Ok so FIRST OF ALL no woman’s worth should be based on whether or not anyone thinks she would be a good girlfriend. Even my opinion shouldn’t matter to her, and I’m a super cute badass with great opinions. So that being said, there’s lot of porn stars who I think would make pretty baller girlfriends. One of course is Charlotte Sartre. The first time I ever watched one of her videos, Dr. Mercies of Assylum was making an omelet in her ass. It was some wild out there shit, and it certainly isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but goddamnit, it was memorable. I love a woman who knows what she likes and isn’t afraid to express it, even if it grosses out some guy on the internet.
Another thing that makes Charlotte 100% wife material is this tweet from Janice Griffith:
Holy shit, I don’t know about you guys, but the quickest way to MY heart is to arm me to the teeth. Another very cute thing about Charlotte is that she is an animal lover. I’m a sucker for an orange tabby, and Charlotte’s cat Juice is no exception. She also has tarantulas and scorpions and I think lizards too, which just goes to show you that Charlotte has a big heart and can love even the most seemingly unlovable creatures, such as weasels.
I should also mention that Charlotte is already someone’s girlfriend, and that someone is Draven Star, a very lucky lady indeed. Another porn star that I’d wife up in a hot second is Missy Martinez. She’s got the fake-boobs-fake-lips-bimbo-porn-star look down pat, which demonstrates that she is able to commit, a very important quality in a life partner. Also, Missy is hands down one of the funniest women in porn, and I like a lady who can joke about her asshole and peeing and stuff. Last but not least, this is Missy’s pinned tweet:
As you can see, Missy Martinez is a Godly type of woman that you can bring home to meet your parents.
Keeani Lei would be the best girlfriend ever. We would take nice baths and showers together. She would wash me and I would wash her. Sometimes we would hang out with Dana DeArmond, and Dana would boss other people into to washing us all. I would be a very clean person if Keeani Lei was my girlfriend. Nicki Hunter is also into bathtime, and I enjoy watching her play with bubbles. Contrary to what you may have heard she can take it just as good as she gives it out. Both of these woman have performed in over 800 videos combined. I need strong and interesting ladies in my life. I apparently also really need a bath.
If I were to choose just ONE porn star to have as my girlfriend, I would be in a pretty tough position. There’s so many awesome performers out there that I’d be happy to date that narrowing it down seems nearly impossible. But since I have to choose, I would pick Keisha Grey. Keisha Grey just seems so downright date-able for a number of reasons. First of all, there’s that gap in her teeth that I think is pretty adorable. Secondly, she has a really nice body, and is completely unapologetic about her amazing curves. And lastly, she’s just extremely down to earth. Watching her in interviews and seeing her social media presence, it’s obvious to me that Keisha and I would be extremely compatible together. She’s a chill girl with a cute smile and a big butt… who wouldn’t want to take that home to mom?!?
Marica Hase – Personally, I believe Marica is one of the best-looking and cutest women in all of porn. Also, Marica isn’t just any Asian starlet — she’s one of the biggest Asian starlets in the American XXX scene today — and she’s developed a rabid following thanks to her sensational work featuring plenty of double anal, triple penetration, bondage, bukkake and more! If that’s not girlfriend material, I’m really not sure what is!
This week I found myself in the same position my colleague Judy Hologram found herself in a week and a half ago. I got assigned Lily Cade’s Fuck The Police! Judy girl, you were right. It took me FOREVER! To be fair, I saw this one come in, and my mind was already made up to watch it, so this is somewhat of a bonus for me. But the thin line between deadline and porno flick review is not always an easy one to walk, especially when one is as dedicated to their craft as myself!
Fuck The Police is a sexy, crazy, hot, and hilarious movie. Coming straight out of the mind of Lily Cade, this one keeps you invested from the opening credits. You learn right away that Lily’s character, Officer Cade, is a huge asshole, and I mean that with nothing but love and admiration. She’s a cool, horny, dirty cop and for a while she’s on top of the corrupt world she loves so much. We get a pretty dope quote 5:20 in where Cade is persuading her rookie partner Officer Ryan, played by Jessica Ryan, that the mansion hills of L.A. are crime ridden streets. She mentions drugs, prostitution, and porn, which is legal, but “they’re technically supposed to wear condoms, but do I look like the fucking dick police to you?” followed up by an epic douche laugh. That tickled my political porno side just enough and set up our first piece of action perfectly.
Scene 1 – Lily Cade & Jenna Sativa
Officers Cade and Ryan spot a familiar by the name of Elena, played by Jenna Sativa, and immediately stop her, requesting to check her purse. They take her in, but Cade has something special in mind. After sending the do good Ryan back to the car to play “bitch-cop,” Cade and her prisoner get straight to it. We get some hot making out, mixed with your fairly basic clit stimulation and then Cade pulls out her nightstick! Sativa definitely agrees with this move as evident from her moans and cries for more. Cade is strapped up under her uniform (which does look hot on her) and from here things get turned up a notch. Both of these gorgeous hornballs do an amazing job at illustrating why strap-ons are so much fun! Since the scene takes place in a garage of sorts, you’d think they’d be slightly limited in positions, but it’s the exact opposite. They get it in doggy style, standing, and missionary before Cade picks Sativa up and fucks her upright. You can tell Cade was on a mission when it came to hitting that pussy. She’s relentless in her pursuit to make her conquest cum and from the sounds of things she does a damn good job. My favorite part of the scene comes at 31:24 while Sativa is lying on her back getting fucked by the still fully clothed Officer of the law. As Cade attempts to reposition the criminal, she takes an accidental kick to the head by wedge heels. I love love love that she made it a part of the scene by acknowledging it. When Sativa chuckles and says sorry, Cade responds “You better be. Get the fuck up on the table.” You just can’t plan awesomeness like that and the raw humor in it, even during pleasure time, is a nice touch. The two continue to hit every position in the Kama Sutra until the crime has been rectified and then you realize Officer Ryan has only been a few feet away annoyingly suffering through this act of corruption the entire time. Fed up with her superior already, Ryan decides to book the satisfied criminal even though Cade has already “worked things out.” Now we have drama!
Scene 2 – Missy Martinez & Jenna Ashley
Meet Mama! Played by the absolutely gorgeous Latina Missy Martinez, Mama is the kingpin and brains of an illegal organization. It’s not quite clear what Mama and her gang are into, but I have a feeling it’s a little of everything. Her entertainment for the night, Jenna Ashley, is giving her a lap dance that quickly turns into a fuck fest. The kingpin mentality takes over during the sex to further enhance Martinez’s character and Jenna Ashley is so fucking hot that I caught myself just staring at her. I found the tattoo on her waist absolutely intoxicating and her natural tits are perfect! Both ladies live up to their reputations. The cunnilingus in this scene is my favorite throughout the flick. Attention to detail when you’re down there is key, and it’s obvious they know what they’re doing. When all is said and done, Mama’s girlfriend Carmen (told you…DRAMA) walks in. This clearly isn’t the first time she’s caught her boss lady messing around, but business still comes first and word on the street is that Officer Cade’s new rookie partner just took Elena downtown despite the previous arrangement with the gang of lesbian criminals. The plot thickens…
Scene 3 – Jessica Ryan & Vanessa Veracruz
Carmen, played by the ever so sexy Vanessa Veracruz, is instructed by her unfaithful girlfriend Mama to bring Ryan to their “headquarters” which is fittingly Mama’s bedroom. There’s an epic montage before Carmen exists of Cade indulging in all her criminal glory while wearing her uniform. She’s counting dough stacks while motor boating two chicks, snorting coke off a babe’s naked ass…can it get any better!? Those 9 seconds is worth watching all by itself, which I did while cracking up about 4 times.
Snap back to reality, it’s time for Carmen to put a plan in motion. She finds the down and out tipsy Officer Ryan hanging out at a cop bar and works her charm. There have been countless nights where I’m chilling at the bar hoping a hot girl tries to pick me up, so watching Veracruz flirt and entice the young Ryan was a turn on itself. She listens to Ryan bitch and moan and offers the only reasonable solution…getting out of there and going back to Ryan’s place to fuck! Seems legit to me. Now, it’s important to remember the task at hand. Bring the new law enforcer to Mama. Carmen though, wants some revenge on the side for Mama’s little “entertainment” and she goes at Ryan full speed. This is another one where no toys are used and I love the decision. The curves in this scene had me pulling the emergency break a few times! Ryan and Veracruz have beautiful bodies complimented by two of the prettiest pussies I’ve ever seen. They know it too, flaunting their asses high in the air while eating each other out, and showing off their boobs! When Ryan rides Veracruz’s face until she cums…Dear Lord YES! I won’t even spoil it, that’s a must see! Carmen hasn’t forgotten why she’s there though, and after multiple orgasms she picks up a lamp and knocks the still naked rookie upside her head (Is it wrong that that was hot??). Little does she know, Cade has been listening over an accidentally picked up phone the entire time and realizes something is up.
Scene 4 – Lily Cade & Jess Gatsby
The moment we’ve all been waiting for is finally here! As advertised, Cade takes her “first (fake) dick!” When she shows up to rescue her rookie partner, she’s greeted by Mama and Carter, played by the incredibly cool Jess Gatsby (fun fact: Gatsby and Cade are dating in real life). Carter is the muscle behind the brains and it’s time to flex. Although Cade tried to stop Ryan from taking Elena down to central booking, Mama feels that she still has to pay and what better way to pay than to be on the receiving end of what she usually dishes out. Appearing a little hesitant at first, Cade goes HAM on Carter’s strap-on after Mama exits. This may be her first time on camera, but that girl has skills! I think you actually hear more moaning coming from Gatsby while Cade rides her than you do from Cade herself, and the energy she brings to the scene sets it apart from the rest. It’s fair to say she knew people would be looking at this performance specifically and she definitely let us see a different side of her. The arc in her back drove me crazy the entire scene btw! She owns the “taking it” role, but midway through the action Officer Cade the mastermind is back in effect. She sees getting fucked as the perfect opportunity to sway Carter to her team and as a woman who has frequently agreed to things during sex, I call this genius! She ultimately gets the allegiance she wants, and a mouth full of pussy to top it off. Up until this point, Gatsby has played the tough guy role perfectly, so I was naively surprised at how much of her “girly” side we got to see. It’s tough to hide in such a seductively vulnerable situation like sex anyway, but when Cade straps up and turns the table on Gatsby *fireworks*. What ensues is amazing carpet munching and orgasm after orgasm. If this is what it’s like on camera, I’d kill to be a fly on the wall in their bedroom!
Scene 5 – Lily Cade, Jessica Ryan & Missy Martinez
With Carter on team “right side of the law,” Cade comes up with a plan to get Ryan out of this mess (she happens to be butt ass naked tied to the bed) and get back at Mama all at the same time. Held at gunpoint, the two officers persuade the kingpin that prison is no good and suggest that they could be bribed into letting her go with a warning. She already knows what they want but now being the underdog puts her in unfamiliar territory. She does still have enough wits about her to make a claim for her young runner Elena prompting my 2nd favorite quote. Ryan promises to “do whatever it takes to get her off” (get it) and gets a congratulatory smack on the ass from her superior. The threesome that follows is a great close out scene! You have Cade setting the tone, Ryan’s curvy body, and Martinez’s beautiful big tits. You’ll never hear me complain about that line up. Ryan face sits as Cade drives the fallen boss lady crazy with her fingers, until juices flow everywhere. Equality is central in threesomes and no one gets left out of this one. I found myself pleasantly bombarded with positions and tag-teams but never struggled to keep up. All three sexy ladies are more than comfortable with each other and their characters so you almost forget they’re still acting. Getting lost in the action is a sign that something was done right on set and by the end I was completely submerged. The constant giggling and banter was hot, and rookie cop Ryan finally getting her taste of Officer Cade’s pussy and fingering her to an orgasms was priceless. The entire scene is wild, raw and definitely a panties dropper.
I absolutely love this movie! The plot and sex are perfectly in sync and the acting was exactly what you should expect and get in a porno. Not Oscar worthy, but more than enough to keep you entertained outside of the sex while enhancing the actual sex scenes also. I bet the set was a blast too. It seems like everyone was beyond comfortable and the rest just flowed like water. Even if plot oriented porn isn’t your thing, you’ll have a variety of choices when deciding what to get off to.