Remember when porno had involved plots and excess dialogue? I sure do. If you’re longing for the days of porno yore, this classic flick does the trick. Sherrie is a newlywed who is determined to not let her marriage become another divorce statistic and is doing everything she can to keep things hot in the bedroom. Turns out, her husband is just hungry so Sherrie hires a chef named Magda who teaches them to add spice to everything – including whatever they’re cooking up in the bedroom. Magda has a secret ingredient of her own however…she’s a tranny!
At one point, Magda tells Sherrie to get someone outside to teach her a thing or two. Soon we’re introduced to her new dark lover who has the body of an Olympic athlete and a cock that every woman dreams of. The scene is very mysterious; Sherrie practically tears his clothes off when he enters the room like she’s been waiting forever for this moment. When the act is over, he demands payment and we learn he’s a “working man” – how scandalous! But why would a happily married woman pay for sex? She didn’t want to cheat on her husband, why she was just doing this for him!
This movie has it all – sex, scandals, a plot, soap opera dialogue and even a rare shaved pussy in the era of a full bush. It’s even comical at times! The Black Mystique is timeless, sexy, mysterious and entertaining. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – in porn, as in life, you can never go wrong with a classic.
Before I got to the age in my womanhood where Halloween was about fishnets and slutty nurse costumes, I was really into the holiday. One of my earliest memories is from Halloween. I was Trick-or-Treating in a store-bought Cookie Monster costume and fell pretty hard in front of some creep on stilts. My freshman year of high school, I wore this really serious Linda Blair Exorcist costume complete with dried pea soup on my K-Mart nightgown. My sophomore year I went as a journalist and continued to wear that guise straight through my undergraduate studies.
My favorite Halloween things are as follows: “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown” (but only the tricks-or-treats scene), “Monster Mash” by Bobby “Boris” Pickett, Halloween 1 and 2, the Halloween songs I learned in elementary school music class that lyrics from inevitably show up in my friends’ Facebook statuses, Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins, and this classic SNL skit from 1998:
Happy Halloween everyone! I’ll be on Broad Street celebrating our hometown Phillies World Series win!
In this hauntingly hot feature from Seduction Cinema, three college co-eds – Katie, Darian and Victoria – set out on an erotic witch hunt in the backwoods of New Jersey with a camera to document their findings. The girls have all left their boyfriends behind and aren’t afraid of the Erotic Witch’s seduction powers.
In the first few minutes of the movie, we learn that Victoria doesn’t do all that “sex stuff” but she’s still out to find this witch. After a long drive, they make it to the woods where the girls set up camp for the night but are disturbed in their sleep by the sounds of hot sex somewhere in the distance. Katie wakes up her tent mate Darian because she’s scared, but her fear suddenly turns into desire and the girls go at it in the tent until all fears subside.
The next morning, Katie catches “too shy” Victoria masturbating behind a tree away from camp until they hear Darien scream – someone has stolen all her clothes! Katie’s too! Could this be the work of the Erotic Witch? Victoria returns to the tree and so does Katie…but this time Victoria catches Katie watching her and the girls put on a show together for the camera. Soon, all three girls are together in a really hot lesbian threesome right in the middle of the woods. Maybe it’s my mountain roots, but this was definitely one of the hottest lesbian scenes I’ve ever seen.
Soon, the girls can’t keep their hands off of each other or themselves. Katie puts the camera on herself and brings herself to orgasm while saying, “I’m so horny and so scared at the same time!” The Erotic Witch has completely taken over their desires and the girls disappear into the night, never to be seen or heard from again. Spooky, sensual AND exciting, in more ways than one.
Chris Justis is hot. I mean, a lot of the guys in the industry are pretty attractive, but rarely are they the focus of a movie like they are in the Straight Guys For Gay Eyes features. But Chris Justis is a sight to behold. I mean, with his perfect abs, toned arms, thick legs, nice ass, rock hard cock…well he could drive a woman wild, and he does just that in his second round of action in this series.
Not only is Chris Justis hot, but pool sex is hot. Really hot. One of my earliest sexual encounters was in a pool and I still remember it fondly. The scene starts out with Chris and his female counterpart, Gwen, splashing each other playfully and making out in the pool. I liked seeing that as a prelude to the action, because it seemed more natural. I can’t tell you how many play fights have lead to foreplay, or straight to play for me.
After we see Chris lifting some weights, Gwen comes over to rub in some suntan lotion and start rubbing below. The action heats up poolside with a blowjob and then some hardcore, old-fashioned fucking until we see Chris jerk himself off to orgasm. The two head back into the pool for some more fun but we’re sent packing. What a shame, looks like I’ll just have to turn to the third installment of the Chris Justis series to get my fix.
Men’s Health magazine has recently published a list of 40 Unwritten Rules For Men. While most of the list consists of rules geared towards the male mind, many cross gender lines while some are just absurd. Feeling inspired, I’ve decided to compile 10 Unwritten Rules For Women*.
If you can’t walk in heels, don’t wear them. You’ll look sexier with a confident walk in flats than you will if you’re prancing around like a giraffe.
It’s okay to be totally boring. Not everyone is cut out for a Sex and the City-esque life. It’s also okay to live vicariously through TV/movie characters, as long as you come back to reality…eventually.
At some point in your life, you should live alone. Even if it’s only for a few weeks, you will learn more about yourself in that span of time than you could’ve ever imagined.
Never deny yourself little pleasures that make you feel good: manicures, massages, frozen yogurt, baseball tickets, whatever. However, find less expensive ways to acquire these pleasures.
Love your body for what it is, not for what you want it to be.
You don’t have to share the exact same interests as your partner, but you should be supportive of their hobbies/interests/dreams. Same goes for your partner.
The ability to write a professionally sounding e-mail will get you far.
Laughing at yourself will get you out of any slump: bad breakup, laid off from your job, accidentally farting in bed, tripping in front of a group of construction workers.
Take control of your orgasms. Take control of a lot of things in the bedroom. Or the kitchen. Or on your desk. Or in the backseat of your car…whenever the mood strikes.
You cannot turn a booty call into a boyfriend. It just doesn’t work that way. If the relationship is based on sex, that’s all there is to it.
*This is just my personal advice, and are not actual rules. I’m just going by things I do that make my life better as a twentysomething woman. Much like every blog post you read from me, take it with a grain of salt.
Tit Chat With Rose is a page out of my own Double D book. In these nine scenes, Rose leads us through the world of large breasts, covering every topic from bras to what your breasts can do for you on a date. Rose also teaches us a little trick for removing our bras while lounging around in her man’s t-shirt. This whole movie made me feel like someone was uncovering my secrets – leaning forward to show more cleavage, how I like my breasts to be held, and even my love for tacky animal print rugs. I guess I don’t mind being exposed (get it?), I just never realized there was such a science behind having big breasts. I guess I’ve really wasted the last 12 years of my voluptous life, but thanks to Tit Chat With Rose, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve – or more accurately, down my shirt – to use for the breast of my life.
The thing about a classic porno is how natural everything is. The setting, the foreplay, even the pubic hair is all completely natural.
The Partnership is no different. After a housewarming party, a group of coworkers at a law firm are left to clean up what’s been left behind – empty plates, glasses, a dildo in the dog dish – and they inevitably clean up each other. One of the lawyer’s wives starts to give her husband’s plain Jane secretary a makeover to add some sex appeal only to end up fucking her husband in front of the secretary for inspiration! The secretary eventually joins in. How’s that for a mind, body and soul makeover? My favorite thing about the movie was watching everyone join in a giant orgy and every woman being the focus of each scene. Each female star was treated to some serious pussy eating by their able-tongued male and female partners. Classics are nothing like the movies of today. Nothing against the modern porn flicks, but I just consider myself more of a classic broad. Well, besides all that wild bush action.
New Orleans is my favorite place in the lower 48. The last time I was there, I saw a strip club on Bourbon Street where you could wash the stripper of your choice. Wash. With a bucket of soap and water. I didn’t do it (I was with my mom!) but I was hoping maybe it would happen in this movie. It didn’t, but a lot of other really great things happened, like group sex at a bar that has swings for seats and a girl-on-girl threesome in the smoking room of a cigar shop! Out of the five scenes, my favorite was scene one which takes place inside of one of the old Antebellum homes on St. Charles Street in New Orleans. TJ Cummings (who is HOT) and Alexis Amore go at it on a piano bench. As Alexis is lying across the piano bench, TJ cums so hard, he shoots it all the way up to her ear! Growing up, I sang but I always wanted to learn the piano. Now I can’t think of a better reason to take up lessons.
Whew, I am exhausted. It seems like this week, everyone is either staying home sick or coming out of their closets and it’s hard to keep up. I’m talking about Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan, who to be fair, were coming out of closets they’ve shown to the whole world – like we’ve been watching an endless loop of walk-ins on MTV Cribs reruns. Listen, I’m a straight woman in the 21st century. I have many gay friends and I’m not shocked by homosexuality in the slightest. It’s the same as me being straight! It’s just love, which is remarkable and beautiful regardless of who is a part of it! Whatever, society! I think that’s how Clay and Lindsay feel too. That’s why it took them so long to proclaim, “Okay world, I’m gay. And the sky is blue. And an umbrella is helpful in the rain.” We’re a generation of forward thinkers. So to Clay and Lindsay, bravo! I’m sure this changes…nothing. Because it shouldn’t. Now we’ll just wait for pictures of Lindsay and Sam Ronson publicly arguing instead of making out. Yay celebs!
Let’s get one thing straight: this sure isn’t Oprah’s Book Club. The women of the Bad Wives Book Club barely have time to get through a chapter of their selected reads (Lady Chatterley’s Lover perhaps?) – but they always have time for the big O. The movie features five hot scenes – one for each member of the book club and one Bad Husband – that detail the reasons why they can’t get through a book. One woman is planning a party (and fucks the caterer), one spent a long night at the bar (and has a threesome with two pool sharks), and another invited her neighbor’s nephew over for a quick dip in the pool (which soon became a quick dip in his pants). My favorite member of the book club didn’t even show up because she was too busy fucking the package delivery girl! I just ordered some new books online, here’s to hoping my delivery comes in a nice big package.