It’s not really the time of year that we traditionally review horror porn (it’s why I love October so much!), but when I stumbled across Tails From The Zipperin our WTF? Category, I just knew it had to be today’s review. I mean really, with a description like this, can you see why I wouldn’t be able to pass it by?
“Tails From The Zipper offers a chilling change of pace from the usual adult fare: You like sex with a SCREAM? Want some HORROR with your HUMPING? How about something CREEPY with you CLIMAX? Come see what’s behind these tails! You might not get SCARED, but you’ll definitely get STIFF!”
Exactly. Oh, horror porn, I love you so!
On quick examination of the movie, I would give an educated guess that it’s probably mid-‘90s smut. There is no date on the box cover, but this movie is drippppping with ’90 flair.
We start with “Who’s The Dummy,” a ridiculous story about a mannequin that was cursed by the Nazis. Yep, that’s creativity if I ever saw it! Anyway, Randy West gets a job at the warehouse where the mannequin is in storage and he is warned to not touch it. Apparently a man who kisses the mannequin at midnight will have terrible, heinous things happen to him. And if you heard a curse like that, wouldn’t you want to test the theory? Well, of course Randy does and gives her a big smooch at the witching hour (after checking out her hot plastic ass). One kiss and poof – the dummy comes to life (shocker!) and wants to fuck!
The mannequin (who I will refer to as “Manne”) only talks French, but she bridges the language barrier nicely with her body language. It’s not long before they are going at it, with West face first in Manne’s wet pussy. They fuck all over the warehouse, in all sorts of positions, with lots of close up angles and fun shadow blowjob shots. But the real question is, what are the terrible, heinous things that West was warned about? West turns into a mannequin himself! Cheesy and totally awesome!
Next story is called “Too Old, Too Young” – a scene that starts with two very old women who get a package in the mail. What is it? Two beautiful necklaces and a spell that someone sent them on how to become young again. They must wait for a full moon, then put the necklaces on, hold hands, say some shit and kiss. Where does this lead to, you ask? Obviously the pair become young again and fuck each other. It just so happens that they have sexy lingerie on under their granny dresses and they waste no time getting their clothes off and their hump on. They even have a dildo laying around, which I do think every woman, young or old should have! I don’t actually see any “horror” or anything in this scene, but the sex is hot, so I’m not that disappointed (though I do feel a little cheated).
And lastly “The Black Widow” comes to us in scene three. Randy Spears goes out on the town and tries out a new bar to find some different pussy to bang. He locks eyes with a lady across the room and he is instantly drawn to her. Then everything goes black and next thing he knows it, he is somewhere different, sitting naked in a chair. She has some sort of power over him and wills him to fuck her (which he isn’t too bummed about. And then she does what a Black Widow spider does – she leaves her web and keeps Spears forever.
Overall impression? Weird in a porno way, but definitely not as exciting as I hoped it would be.
Sure, I love porno with lots of fucking and passion, but sometimes I need a little WTF in my life to shake things up. When you start to feel like the porn you watch at the office is getting a little ho-hum, it’s time to get weird. Yes, I used the word weird. It doesn’t mean I’m “yucking your yum” nor does it mean that I think you’re a bad person for liking it or getting off to it. Hell, it doesn’t even mean that it isn’t something that I don’t get off to my damn self. I like weird!
The basic premise of The Hand Biting And Arm Biting Nurse is this: Nurse Coco Velvett is discussing a patient’s up coming surgery. During this super serious talk, the patient (Eric Jover) gets handsy, grabbing her ass and whatnot. After she tells him to stop a few times, Coco loses it and bites his hand! That doesn’t learn him the first time. Instead he carries on and this time Coco goes on a hand and arm biting spree. It seems like she is definitely using some jaw power, but doesn’t bite down hard enough to break the skin. She really gets into, which is awesome and hilarious. It seemed like she really had fun with it and wasn’t afraid to get silly. I like that in a girl.
Since this movie is different than anything I’ve ever seen, I had to grab a little clip to show you. This kind of movie may have very well been made before, it’s just the first one that I have seen. I can describe it all I want to, but you really need to see it with your own eyes.
I’m not sure what else to say about this porno, but if you’re looking for a little something something different, this is for you. I can’t tell you if it’s good or bad. I can only tell you that I couldn’t stop watching!
You know what happens when you’re bored with the “usual”? Sword Fighting Girls, that’ what. When my eyes glaze over at the thought of sexin’ I know it’s time to hit up the WTF category. It isn’t always pretty, but there’s generally a shiny little gem waiting to be uncovered. Granted, what i consider a gem might not exactly get you excited about masturbating, but it will probably make you smile and tilt your head. On the other hand, who am I to say what gets your engined revved up? Your hand might be sliding down your pants at the mere thought of girls and swords!
From the folks at Porn For The People, this movie features scantily dressed women battling it out with plastic swords in a hotel room. Thigh high boots complete their look. This is straight up home (hotel) made porn, free of any background music. The only background noise is the wap sound of the swords hitting each other and the occasional huff or puff from the ladies. There is no sex involved, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t fun to watch these ladies, who are in great shape, fight it out. I am impressed at theirs skills. Not necessarily the sword fighting; I’m pretty sure I could take any of them with my eyes closed. I’m mostly impressed that they get so physical in those super high heeled boots they’re rocking. Get it done, ladies!
Is there a winner? Yes, of course there is! At the end of each scene someone gets “stabbed” and, by some force of magic, fake blood appears. It isn’t a quick death, either. The ladies writhe and convulse to their fake deaths – arching their backs and gasping for their last breaths. It actually looks like a lot of fun. I wouldn’t mind injecting a little sword fighting into my life. Yep, I’m a nerd. I also don’t think there is anything wrong with not taking life so seriously every now and then. Just sayin’.
The box cover claims these ladies are “pirate girls”. Sorry. I need eye patches and parrots before you get the honor of being called a pirate.
If you’re looking for hot sex on a stick, you’re definitely not going to get it here. If you just want to see sexy ladies playing in their skivvies, this is for you. Sure, the quiet background noise it a little uncomfortable at times, but you can always add your own soundtrack.
It doesn’t happen all that often, but sometimes I just don’t “get” the porno I am watching. Usually it’s because the movie is super artsy and full of random, interspersed images, or it’s a classic that evokes the sensibilities of a different time period, but sometimes it is just because the movie is from a different country. Now, I am definitely not trying to be ethnocentric or anything like that, I just… don’t get it. Maybe it’s over my head, or maybe I just don’t exactly understand what’s supposed to be going on, but this movie Japanese 80’s porno totally baffled me.
First, I thought this movie was about a ‘schoolgirl’ with a pussy that crushes things, because that’s what happened, but then it turns into some weird rivalry between the girl and the school bully, which culminates in sharp pens being thrown like darts at each other. Oh, and we also get an evil headmaster and a father that’s trying to keep that killer crushing pussy locked up. Yeah, makes so much sense, right?
Apparently this is a parody of a classic Japanese TV show (Yo-Yo Girl Cop), so might have made more sense to me if I knew anything about the real show. Without that context, I was totally lost. Usually that’s fine in porn, because there is hot sexin’ to keep me interested, but not this time. Softcore at its hardest points, I think I’ve seen more risqué stuff on prime time TV. I really want to understand what the fuck is going on (even the subtitles don’t help), but unfortunately, I think I just need to enjoy the weird “special effects” and take it as it is.
If you are braver than I, definitely give this weirdo a go.
As much as I love watching folks fucking on film (which is a lot a lot, of course), some days I like to look for something a little more off-the-wall to review and bring to your attention. Ginger suggested Hentai porn when I was deciding what to pick and while I really wasn’t into watching Hentai (I could never do it the justice our old blogger Frzkey could), I figured I would check out the animated category anyway, just to see what I could find. And clearly I found some stuff I was interested in taking a gander at.
I’m not really too sure how to categorize this stuff, to be honest… Yes, it’s an animated movie, but DEFINITELY not like Hentia or anything in the Japanimation family. I suppose I would go with vintage-ish, if I had to make a case for it, though it’s not as old as others I’ve watched. If super early Disney (read: Steamboat Mickey) was full to the hilt with nekkid people, this would probably be the result. Yes, that’s my diagnosis and I’m stickin’ to it!
Out of the nine short cartoons (with a few different varieties of cartoons in there), some are really fun and some are kind of meh. None of them are actually anything I’d want to jerk off to, honestly, but I didn’t really expect that when I turned it on. I will say that some of them were a little too racist for me to watch the whole scene. Just awful stereotypes and stuff that were par for the course back when these cartoons were originally drawn. I get that, but it still made me uncomfortable to watch, so I hit fast forward.
As for the ones I liked, scene 4 and 5’s Star Trek spoof was definitely my favorite. Or maybe I just like the idea of Queen Clitoria, or the line “I’m a doctor, damn it, not a dildo repair man!” (I bet this makes you want to watch even more!). Hilarious. Oh cartoons, every once in a while you are such fun to watch.
Watch “Dirty Little Adult Cartoons v.1″ Now!
Look, I’m not one to “yuck your yum,” as J.D. would say, but when something makes me say “what the fuck” there just isn’t any way for me to bamboozle myself into thinking otherwise.
CPR Assists 3. Well, it is what it is: people pretending to save lives via Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation. I recently became CPR certified, so I thought I’d go ahead and review it. Um, what the fuck just happened in my life? I’m all for saving lives, but this “porno” just made me feel a little like someone gave me mild crotch wedgie – it doesn’t hurt, but it damn sure is uncomfortable. We aren’t talking about a quick resuscitation into some sort of hot sex scene, we’re talking about the act of (fake) CPR. I guess I should give them props for committing, but it just rubbed me the wrong way. I’d never stop you from watching it, nor would I cast judgment upon you, but watching the movie made me, well, uneasy.
In summing up most of the scenes in this movie: a lady pulls a face down lady out of the pool and gently presses on her stomach to encourage the water out of her mouth. Eventually she coughs up the water and comes to. It’s a fairly slow process, but everyone lives and everyone is topless. The end.
I must add that they’re just not doing it right! I get it. They’re pretending and don’t want to crush any ribs, but come on people. If the entire movie is about CPR, do it right!
Roll this around in your noggin: this the third title in the CPR Assists series.
What a disappointment that we only just found these totally bare-all bathing suits, just as bathing suit season comes to an end. I guess we will just have to get them for our man friends when the weather turns warm next year. Holy cock shot!
What any man needs for those classy days at the beach…
Earthquake shakes the East Coast; HotMovies.com Corporate Headquarters Survives
Philadelphia, PA – A rare 5.9 earthquake shook the HotMovies.com and HotMoviesForHer.com corporate headquarters Tuesday afternoon, resulting in nobody hurt and nothing damaged, but terrifying everyone inside.
The building was briefly evacuated, and the east-coasters, un-used to geological events of any kind, were both literally and figuratively shaken. “I won’t be able to sleep tonight. I’ll be up just waiting. I have to call my cats,” said a marketing operative who wisely refused to identify himself. Visibly jumpy, he then added, “What was that?”
“I was worried about my collection of mint condition Buffy the Vampire Slayer figures which are still in the package,” said James Cybert, director of Business Development. As of press time, only an old Brianna Banks action figure had fallen down. Cybert has launched an investigation to find out if that incident was related to Tuesday’s earthquake.
Authorities dispute whether or not the sexual immorality, prolific at Philadelphia’s HotMovies.com headquarters, may have played a role in the rare quake. So far, divine retribution cannot be ruled out as a factor.
According to the United States Geological Survey, the earthquake Tuesday afternoon was the worst earthquake in the entire world- that day. Still, streaming video service at HotMovies.com went uninterrupted, and the corporate headquarters remains the world’s largest internet archive of adult video on demand.
Any porn that automatically makes me think of Tom Jones is A-OK in my book. Sure, the title of this flick is the only thing it has in common with Mr. Jones, but even without that connection, Sex Bomb (the porno) holds its own as awesomely bizarre classic.
Before I even get to the movie, let me warn you that this is a softcore movie, so don’t go expecting any explicit action. This is definitely more Skinemax than hardcore XXX, but honestly, the sex isn’t the point here – it’s the serious weirdness of this flick that makes it so amazing.
Basic premise: a big shot producer is making a bunch of low-budget softcore horror movies (one which is called “I Rip Your Flesh With Pliers,” which I would TOTALLY see if it was real) and the screenwriter starts banging the big shot’s wife. And then they kill the husband. There is so much more than that, but honestly, I don’t even know how to explain it other than saying it is super strange ‘80s softcore. And you need to watch it. Seriously, the ‘80s totally vomited on this movie, which also endears it to me even more.
I was in the mood for some XXX action when I started thinking about a movie to review today, but even though I missed out on some fucking, I definitely did not get the raw end of the deal. Check this weird one out!
Oh, weird porn, sometimes I love you so. Sure, the majority of folks that come to HotMovies and HotMoviesForHer are looking for hot action and sexy bodies. Nothing wrong with that! But there are a select few that seek out the deeply buried, super weird shit – and I don’t mean German shit porn or anything particularly fetishy (and really, would I be calling that stuff weird? Cause I don’t think it is.). What I’m talking about is dudes in cartoon masks with bulging eyes and fake giant wangs fucking women… like straight out of a dirty comic book strip – because that is exactly what it is! That’s right, today I have forayed into Sex In The Comics. And yes, it’s weird. And yes, I love it because it’s so damn weird.
Basically this reporter lady comes to interview a cartoonist about his cartoon cat, and he goes on a nice, long rant telling her about the 8-Pagers of the old days, where commercial comic characters were depicted doing totally dirty, devious things on the page. Like Blondie and Dagwood – two characters I never thought of boning (well, maybe Blondie, with those tits, but never Dagwood!). And bone they do… though not each other.
I will admit that I really have no idea if the other comic characters (other than Dick Tracy) were actual comic characters from back in the day, but really who cares. Real or not, the porno versions of these characters fuck and suck and sometimes wear scary rubber masks and fake cocks – so what’s the difference if they are actual comic material? I am grateful that the female performers stick with clothing and makeup to get into character. I would hate to see them rocking those weirdo masks and bug eyes.
The editing is a little odd – with random stops and pauses, but honestly, I think it adds to the ‘70s charm of the flick. As does the dated video quality and all. Sex-wise, the movie is somewhat diverse; flipping back and forth between dudes boning ladies and ladies doing ladies. Oh, and puppet person boning ladies. Can’t forget about them!
I don’t know if I’d go to this movie strictly to get off, but if I was looking for something totally different, this is where I’d turn!
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