Top Five Tuesday

It’s that time again, when so many great movies have come in and I have not had time to watch them all. So this week’s Top Five Tuesday will act as a list to remind me to slow down and take the time to smell the roses… um, and watch the porno!!

Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Advanced Fellatio: A new Tristan Taormino instructional gem?  Sign me up!

Good Dyke Porn – James Darling & Deluxx Dash: That Bren Ryder is back behind the camera again, showing us just how hot the queer action can get.  I’m getting hot just looking at the box cover!

This Isn’t The Twilight Saga – Eclipse – The XXX Parody: I wouldn’t say I’m a diehard (or Twihard) fan or anything, but I do like me some porno parodies… and I kinda like that silly vampire series.

Wet Crotch Saloon: Anything with Annie Sprinkles is totally worth a watch – especially her old school flicks like this one.

LUST: Maria Beatty movies are always totally freaking hot.  I don’t even need to look at the description.  Watch it!

Somebody get the popcorn… and the lube.

xoxo
-JD

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I’m not going to lie – I had no idea who Tori Black was until early this year, when she started  sweeping awards left and right, including three Female Performer of the Year wins (AVN, XBIZ, XRCO).  And once Ms. Black made it onto my radar, she was everywhere I looked – from parodies to apocalyptic erotic adventures!  At this point I was actually surprised that I had never Top Five Tuesday-ed this highly revered leading lady.  Time to make that happen!

Tori Black Is Pretty Filthy: This aptly named smutty romp did not need to win five 2010 AVN awards to prove it’s awesomeness, but it did, which means you should totally watch.

The 8th Day: This is that apocalyptic erotic adventure I was referring to above.  Holy crap is it good.  If you are looking for a sci-fi action porno, you’ve found the Holy Grail.  And it’s garnered more awards than Iwould ever be able to fit into this little box (18 AVN awards)!

PopPorn: The Guide To Making Fuck: Philly’s own PopPorn brings us the freaking hilarious guide to getting busy.  Also a major 2010 award winner.  Yep, apparently Tori played a part in so many of the AVN winnings this year around.

Batman XXX – A Porn Parody: Of all the parodies Tori has done, this is by far my favorite.  She plays Catwoman – need I say more.  HOT!

Pornstar Superheroes: Really the name says it all.  Pure awesomeness and ladies kicking ass from Elegant Angel.  Yep, it’s been a banner year for Tori Black.

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

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At least once a week there’s a porn title that cracks me up. Sometimes it’s so bad it’s good and other times I’m just astounded by the fact that a company has time to release 47 movies a week and come up with awesome titles! I admittedly judge XXX books by their covers all the time, so a ridiculous name can really make or break a movie for this girl. Maybe I’ve never heard of your studio before, but if you can wow me with a clever porno take on a classic book title, I’ll give your movie a shot.

While this could have easily been a Top 500 Tuesday, here are my five favorites. Let me know what you think I missed, because I’m sure I left out something good!

p.s. The next time you’re thinking about just throwing a XXX on the end of your next spoof porn studio, please consider that a clever title could get you on my next list!

Pop Up Slutty Ho Volume 2 – Jenny ‘The Jonesin’ Crack Ho Clown Cooking Show: I’ve been at this for 5 years now and I still haven’t found a movie that tops one I picked up in my first month on the job. Not only is this title absolutely insane, it’s also like the longest title on face of the earth. My thesis title wasn’t even close to this long and you know I had to get all fancy on that shit. While I can’t even pretend to recommend this movie as something to jerk off to, it is totally bananas and if you like bizarro shit, this crazy lady is totally for you. Also, I won’t judge you if you wank off to it. Just thought i’d throw that out there…

You Win Some… You Threesome : This one is a new addition to the site and the inspiration for this week’s T5T. It’s not really funny, it’s just so simple and brilliant that I can’t believe it hasn’t been done before. Some times, it’s the simple things in life that make getting out of bed in the morning worth it. This porno title is one of those simple things.

Crock Of Love: Crock of Love deserves a spot on this list because by simply adding a single letter, Kick Ass has basically summed up the Bret Michael’s train wreck they are spoofing. Besides having a brilliant name, I appreciate that they classed up the reality show a little and think Evan Stone is pretty awesome in it. Definitely worth a watch!

It Forces It On The Education Minded Mother: I love this one for two reasons. First, whenever a new movie is added to this series, it reminds me to go check out engrish.com and that site is still hilarious all these years later. Secondly, I think back to my friend impersonating the killer from Silence of the Lambs every time she borrowed my lotion after basketball practice. This took place about 5 days a week for 4 years and never stopped being funny. “It puts the lotion in the basket…”

The Three Tenners: This is another one I can’t believe no one thought of until now! Despite the totally non-sexy imagery I associate with the real three tenors, I have this one on my must watch list because who doesn’t want to check out three super hung studs fucking?? I would like to see a whole series of opera themed porn and have to believe homos would eat it up. It would be like softball themed lesbian porn… a guaranteed blockbuster!

-The Porn Librarian

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In the years that I’ve been submersed in porn here at HM4Her, I have had my fair share of porno crushes.  And while some come and go, there are a few performers that will always top that list.  One of those favorites is the fabulous Jiz Lee.  I’m not sure whether it’s their super sexy porno moves or the fact that I know Jiz is super nice and one hell of a smart cookie, but I become quite the smitten kitten when I hit the play button on a flick featuring Jiz.  This week I’ve decided to make sure you all know the amazingness that is Jiz Lee with a Top Five Tuesday dedication to their pervy queer action!

Superfreak: Though the credits say “Vasa,” that sexy queer getting fucked up and down the kitchen counters in scene 3 is most definitely Jiz Lee.  And let’s just say that everyone gets more than wet when the faucet sprayer comes out to join in the fun.  Oh yeah, and the horny ghost of funk master Rick James comes around and possesses cute girls about to get their fuck on.  Almost forgot about that little tidbit!

Belladonna’s Strapped Dykes (Disc 1): Jiz Lee fucks Belladonna; Jiz Lee fucks April Flores; Jiz Lee and Syd Blakovich fuck Sinn Sage… need I say more?  This movie is fucking amazing.

Lesbian Life – Real Sex San Francisco: After enjoying some Dolores Park action with blond bombshell Lorelei Lee, Jiz beds Dylan Ryan after wooing her on the internet.  Jut another day in good old San Francisco.  Now, why did I leave?

Crash Pad Series: Episode 3 – Jiz & Shawn: This Crash Pad flick was one of my first introductions to Jiz, and boy oh boy, did it leave an impression on me!  In fact, this dirty duo actually won the 2006 Feminist Porn Award for “Hottest Dyke Sex Scene,” so obviously I wasn’t the only one totally turned on.

Billy Castro Does The Mission: I don’t even have words for the hotness of this scene with Billy Castro and Jiz Lee.  They play video games, they wrestle, and they get busy – sounds like an awesome Saturday afternoon to me!  Definitely check out this Reel Queer gem!

Oh, and they write a really hot blog too. Does it get any better than Jiz? Not likely.

xoxo
-JD

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I love music and I love fucking, so it’s always a big plus for me when two of my favorite things are combined into one awesome package. Thankfully, it turns out that most musicians seem to love sex, so there’s an abundance of pornos starring musicians. Not all of them strip down and show off the goods like Tommy Lee, but there’s still something nice about Ice T setting up a porno scene for you.

Whether you like rock, rap or rocking out to Slayer, there’s probably something that’ll leave you spent and humming a tune!

Turbo Rock: We love HeartCore Films, and with April Flores and music by The Meatmen, this one ifs the perfect way to kick off today’s list! Is it just me, or should more porn movies pay homage to the art of the groupie blowjob?

Rock & Roll In My Butthole: You can always count on Burning Angel if you’re looking for XXX action and great music. I could have highlighted a ton of her movies, but she actually made a music video a song called “Rock and Roll in My Butthole,” so I chose this one. Plus it’s awesome!

Ice-T’s Pimp’in 101: Ice-T probably has the most eclectic career of all time. I mean, how many dudes can write pimp and Law and Order cast member on their resume? The next time your mom is enjoying the show, you might want to mention this porno he narrated back in 2003. Just for kicks. Anyways, if you’re a rap fan, this one has original tracks from Ice-T and Busta Rhymes – not too shabby!

ErocktaVision Volume 10 – In Between The Sheets: Director Dana Dane must love music almost as much as she loves women because her movies always have kick ass soundtracks! Ten volumes into the Erockatvision series, they just keep getting better and better. Ariel X is amazing in this one!

Welcome To Radium: This one is for all of the metal heads out there! Tera Wray stars in this one that includes a tour of NRG Recording Studios and some footage shot at Metalfest. Oh, it also has a truckload of hot sucking and fucking, if you happen to enjoy that too!

-The Porn Librarian

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I don’t know if any of you guys noticed, but it’s hot as BALLS out there today! We here at HM4Her are on the East Coast in the sweatbox formerly known as Philadelphia – where it is over 95 degrees and it’s not even noon.  Crazy, right?  Since I know that you guys come from all over the world and may not be experiencing such an extreme heatwave, I figured I’d give you a taste of what it’s like to deal with sweat dripping, overheated bodies – porno style, obviously!

Heat Wave: These hotties with naughty bodies know now to keep cool when the high temps reach the valley.  Plus we get a first glimpse at Vivid girl Tiffany Taylor.  What a way to spend a heat wave!

Where The Girls Sweat!: A Lot!: Girl-on-Girl action always makes me sweat.  Like in a early ’90s “girl, you make me sweat” kinda way.

Hot Sweaty Sex: If you ignore the box cover and go straight for the sexin’, this movie is hot hot hot.  And by hot I mean dripping sweat in a way that only fucking on a leather couch can produce.  Twenty-three scenes of folks banging indoors and out in the hot sun – what more could you want?

Sweat: I guess people that can’t get enough of the heat outside end up hanging out in saunas.  Well, it’s either the heat or the naked men.  Seven hot, toweled guys to be exact… and they’re British!  Cheers!

Private Lesbians 08 – Lesbians In The Tropics: Lesbians in the Tropics?  That sounds like my kind of vacation!  Where do I sign up?!?

Screw this heat! Stay indoors and watch porn!

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

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I know that men like to hear that size doesn’t matter, but sometimes it does!

Today’s Top Five Tuesday features our favorite super-sized performers. While the majority of the men in adult were blessed by whatever god is concerned with such matters, these studs stand out in a sea of giant wangs.

Shane Diesel: It was nearly impossible to find a picture of Shane to use on this blog because all you ever get is cock shots with this dude! Of course, that’s because he’s packing a monster in his pants… When it comes to girth, I’m not sure anyone can top this dude.

Ben Andrews: Big Ben made a big splash in Lucas Entertainment’s The Intern as a nerd working for a porno company who has a big secret in his pants – an 11 inch uncut beauty! Besides being a hilarious movie, it was a great intro to this handsome cock slinger!

John Holmes: If there’s one guy that I had to include on this list, it’s Holmes. The legendary star from the golden age of porn is still among the biggest members of the hung stud club. Fortunately, we’ve got hundreds of videos to remember the late, great Johnny Wadd!

Lexington Steele: Steele is a guy who’s been around for ever with a good reason. He has a giant tool and knows how to use it! We have almost 600 movies starring this guy, so I can only imagine how much pussy this guy has gotten over the years.

Chris Charming: Chris is another guy who’s always mentioned when people start listing off the biggest dongs in adult. This German stud is another guy who has been around for over a decade and he has also directed a number of titles over the years. He was really great in E for Eva if you’re interested in seeing him in action!

Size Queens rejoice!

-The Porn Librarian

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This past weekend I attended a friend’s wedding and was seated next to a lovely married straight couple.  And because I am me, we ended up chatting about porn (you know, like 20 feet from my friend’s grandma – not that granny might not love porn, but I’m sure said friend probably doesn’t want to hear it at her wedding.  Don’t worry, I think everyone else was on the dance floor actually.).  Straight porn, specifically, and how it’s just not hot.  And again, because I am me, I came to the rescue and set the story straight (literally).

I explained that while there are many hetero porns that aren’t as female focused and many that could care less about either performer’s pleasure, as long as they get a money shot; there are, in fact, a whole host of super sexy straight flicks that are more than worth a watch.  So for this week’s Top Five Tuesday, I am busting out the top of the hottest hetero movies I’ve come across in my time as a porn connoisseur. Read the rest of this entry »

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I’m getting ready to hop in the car for a well-deserved (if I do say so myself) road trip. Four weeks, two girls and a tent. I’m pretty excited, so I thought I’d seek out some Western themed porno to help get myself in the mood for the trip and more!

This week’s Top Five Tuesday features five awesome fuck flicks full of cowboys and cowgirls who are all plenty wild!

Buckin’ Broncos: There’s no denying that Csaba Borbely shoots some the hottest guys in Europe and the stars of this film back me up. Big muscles, big cocks and plenty of hardcore action. I’m not really into the whole twin thing, but I will admit that two Mangiatti boys are definitely better than one! You don’t want to miss them poking a couple of cow hands in the final scene.

Rawhide: This is one of the first movies we added to the site, so I’m excited that I can highlight it so many years later. Adam and Eve does feature films as well as anyone and this is a great example! It’s an epic western starring Carmen Luvana, Randy Spears and Evan Stone and you’ll definitely see why they call it the Wild West!

Barely Legal – Back In The Saddle: I don’t bother with many of the Barely Legal movies, but I love what Hustler did with this themed edition of the legendary series. The scene starring Jenny Hendrix and Nick Manning is super fun and sexy! That girl can definitely ride with the best of them.

Sunshine Highway 2: I reviewed this one back in the beginning of 2010 when the weather was cold and I needed a XXX pick me up. Randy Spears, who I love, is in one scene and it’s packed full of hay bale balling and cock riding. Good stuff!

Buckback Mountain: Last, but certainly not least, is my favorite Buck Angel movie! You thought forbidden love between two cowboys was heartbreaking, imagine the pressure when one of those studs is a man with a pussy! Buck stars in every scene, so fans like me will love every second!

-The Porn Librarian

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Back when I was younger, I remember being so excited for this time of year. No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks… that’s right, it’s nearly summer vacation!  But instead of celebrating the sun (which we will get to), I think it’s apt to pay a little attention to those hard workin’ folks at the front of the classroom.  Yep, today’s Top Five Tuesday is all about teachers!

So grab your apple, open a notebook and pay attention!  This information will be on the quiz!

Joanna Angel’s Guide 2 Humping: Who wouldn’t want Joanna Angel at the head of the class, teaching her students tips on giving head?  I mean really, the alt queen is a force to be reckoned with no matter what, but as the ultimate authority figure, I am instantly smitten.

Hot For Teacher: I couldn’t help but add this movie – it’s called “Hot For Teacher” – how could I not?  Other than the awesome Van Halen reference, I’ll admit that this movie is nothing really special, but I do love me some Aiden Starr, so it gets on the list!

Sex Ed 2 – Hard Lessons: Naughty schoolboys getting the answers wrong on purpose.  Yep, that can only lead to the equally naughty teacher teaching them a very, very hard lesson.

T.I.L.F. 2 – Teachers I’d Like To Fuck: As long as there as in acronym, I’m sold.  Guys gabbing about being seduced by their horny teachers – where do I sigh up!

Savanna Scores: While I feel it my duty as one to say that sex educators don’t do hands-on education with their students, I will say that whatever role Savanna Samson plays, I am watching.  Especially when she wants me cramming for the final exam. Savanna and cramming should always be in the same sentence…

Are you listening? Don’t make me send you to Detention (though this time I bet you’d like it!)

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

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