“No, it’s not just sex. It’s love!
It’s two people connecting.
With four other people…
And thus, the world was introduced to The Time Hump Chronicles, the epic eight part (nine if you count the fan fiction chapter) sci-fi erotic novel penned by Orange Is The New Black’s Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren. It tells the tale of Edwina, a time traveler with the ability to move backwards and forwards in time, who might also be a robot made of pee-proof metal. Edwina falls in love with both Space Admiral Rodcocker, a time humper from the future with two penises, and Gilly, a wuss from the past with the purest soul in the universe. The Time Hump Chronicles has pretty much anything that I have ever wanted from my XXX media: time travel, outer space, a trial by lovemaking, someone with more than two penises, someone who pees on everyone, open relationships, a guy made entirely out of Vaseline, and most importantly, a meaty storyline with characters that you can fall in love with.
There’s just one problem. The Time Hump Chronicles is a fictional piece of fiction written by a fictional character, and Netflix, distressingly, has not released any media tie-ins to sate the fans who are just clamoring for totally obscene wormhole sex between a robo-doll and a diphallic military man.
Fear not, my dear Time Humpers. I look the liberty of digging up the most batshit insane sci-fi/fantasy porn I could find, in the hope that it would be good enough to get our orgasmators off until the internet pulls through with the fan media that we need.
Robots! Aliens! Valkyries! Mermaids! Monsters! Monster cocks! Wood nymphs! A dozen dildos that come to life! A god damn auto-cunnilingus alien!!! Dudes, listen, the PornoMation trilogy is pretty much everything your weird little brain ever thought up as you teetered on the precipice of sleep as you lay in bed during your teen years. Part one of the series is chock full of short 1 – 4 minute computer animated vignettes in which the creatures of every nerd’s wet dreams fuck the crap out of each other. Some of the vignettes even manage to tell a little bit of a story with a beginning-middle-end set up. The second and third installments of PornoMation have their own feature-length plots! PornoMation 2 tells the tale of Zuma, a sexual gladiator from Earth, who must sexily battle her way across the planet Stratalyrie, while PornoMation 3 spins a yarn about a bored human couple who cheat on each other with fantastic creatures in their dreams. If there’s any porno that would be Crazy Eyes-approved, it would definitely be this.
If you’re looking for a tale of a busty, space traveling heroine shot on a high budget (high by porn standards, at least) then Axel Braun’s parody of the 1968 sci-fi cult classic Barbarella should do the trick. Braun’s contract girl Riley Steele steps into Jane Fonda’s moon boots as the titular heroine, a hyper sexual astronaut traveling the universe in search of the doctor Durand-Durand. Along the way, Barbarella gets off with two cuddly aliens played by Evan Stone and Eric Masterson, Alec Knight in a wolf costume, the wonderful Asa Akira as The Great Tyrant, and the Excessive Machine. Axel Braun’s Barbarella parody not nearly as out there or inventive as The Time Hump Chronicles, but it does scratch the “hot lady in space” itch!
The Erotic Time Machine is just the sort of low-budget late-nineties insanity that I was hoping to find. Kelli Summers stars as Miss Manners, a scientist from the 32nd century who has unlocked the secret to time travel. She narrates her story while tearing off her lab coat and rubbing her breasts at the viewer, explaining that a side effect of time travel is unbridled horniness. She discloses some gobbledey-gook about toxins in the cerebral cortex and identifies herself as a lust traveler, but fuck that, Miss Manners is totally a time humper. Miss Manners introduces us to a series of vignettes that detail the sexual adventures of the past and present, including some bikini-clad lesbian cave women who use volcanic mud as lube, some sexy aliens from the planet Quonatia, and a creepy suburban mom’s well-meaning birds-and-the-bees talk naturally resulting in lesbianism.
1998’s Spaceship Agga Ruter from Hentai studio Kitty Media is just the sort of childish free-for-all with just enough softcore eroticism that Crazy Eyes would love. Predictably, I had no idea what was going on, even with the subtitles. There’s a space pirate named Jannis, and she gets really excited about capturing a space ship, but it turns out there’s only two people on board: Kei, a sexy android, and Taiyo, the 18 year old boy that Kei raised and taught how to please ladies. It turns out that Taiyo, who’s really kind of a clueless, well-meaning doofus, is really good at sex, even though his technique is mostly just touching people’s boobs, but that’s really just par for the course for Japanese movies. Hentai usually just pisses me off, but Spaceship Agga Ruter manages to be fun without being totally degrading.
I covered director Joanna Angel’s campy Killer Kleavage From Outer Space way back in March, but it’s definitely worth a second look for fans of The Time Hump Chronicles. Busty alien chicks? Check. Deadly body parts? Check. Goofy plot to save a planet from extinction? Check. Hardcore fucking? Check. A happy ending? Double check. This candy colored shout out to all things low-budget and sci-fi is perfect for fans who are dying to get something a little extra in their extraterrestrial. Join busty tattooed babe Jessie Lee on friends on their search for Earth’s perfect penis!
If you came here looking for sheer lunacy, look no further than 2005’s The Princess Has Come Of Age. With computer graphics that are significantly better than the PornoMation trilogy, this weird Italian shit delivers on all of the otherworldly fuckery that fans of The Time Hump Chronicles love. With minimal dialogue, it tells the story of a princess with a serious thigh gap in a galaxy far away who must choose a husband. The only criteria? The lucky groom must be able to satisfy all of her sexual desires. The suitors in question are David The Gnome’s well endowed meth head cousin, a robot made out of body-safe materials, a daffodil with an ample bosom who really likes DP and bondage, a shiny mirror image of the princess who uses double ended dildos in zero gravity, and a suriname toad daddy who likes to watch while his phallic bat babies do all the work. I am absolutely showing The Princess Has Come Of Age to all of my friends, because this is the kind of fuckery than cannot be missed.
Will porn world release their own answer to The Time Hump Chronicles? God I hope so. I recommend bringing Faye Reagan out of retirement to play busty, freckled Edwina, alongside Christian XXX as Admiral Rodcocker, Tyler Nixon as the pure hearted Gilly. For the minor characters, I’d cast Dana DeArmond as Lilly Sprinkle, who pees on everyone, Carter Cruise as Sunflower, the mean one that you love to hate, and Dane Cross as the hot yet tragic Vaseline Man. But until porn land pulls through with The Time Hump Chronicles XXX, please enjoy my top picks!