Tag Archives: sex

“American Horror Story: Coven” 5 Questions and 5 Surprises

I gave up my weekly galavanting at trivia last night to pour myself some pinot noir and work on becoming a witch. As if I need to tell you, American Horror Story: Coven premiered last night — titled “Bitchcraft”, fuck yes — and now all I want to do is dig up (hopefully) some magical genetics that (fingers crossed) my mother forgot to disclose to me.

Oh, warning — there are spoilers all over this mother fucking thing because I believe that once it airs it’s fair game. I know you may now hate me, but them’s the rules in my book and I’m warning you here.

Alas, I couldn’t lift my car with a finger swish as I had my intermission cigarette last night, but all in good time, right? As long as I have The Supreme Jessica Lange inspiring voodoo glamour, I won’t stop trying.

 

The Five Surprises

1) Violet and Tate are together again! In this Romeo & Juliet-esque opening, they are mysteriously drawn to each other, and a doomed relationship is in the cards. However, they are (obvs) not V&T anymore, but now Zoe and Kyle. And he’s in a frat. And she’s a witch. Dooooooooom. DOOOOOOOOOMMMMM.

2) The mother fucking CAST, y’all! We have the formers (Jessica Lange, Taissa Farmiga, Evan Peters, Sarah Paulson, Frances Conroy, Lily Rabe, Jamie Brewer *squeeee Addie!*….and we will see Alex Breckenridge (sexy maid Moira from S1) and Denis O’Hare later). We have the legends (Angela Bassett, Kathy Bates, Gabourey Sidibe). We have the hotties (Emma Roberts, Grey Damon).

3) The sex. The episode opened with a theme of sexual misconduct and closed with Zoe getting her danger fuck on. They’re all over 18, so hey, it’s fair game, but bunches of young hotties moving into the bone zone, I’ll tell ya.

4) Which brings me to four. Violet Zoe can’t have sex without killing her partner. Remember Rogue in X-Men? Lot like that. Except when she’s actually gettin’ it in, dude has an “aneurysm” and dies. It happened twice last night and OH THE BLOOD!

5) Just this sentence: Fiona (JLange) snorts coke in an open-aired and lofty room while dancing in chiffon as the trippy In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida plays and she ends up sucking the life from a dude à la Hocus Pocus and it’s elegantly wicked.

 

 

The Five Questions

1) Has anyone noticed how in each of the seasons, gigantic and regal staircases seem to be the crux of emotion, drama, and death?

2) We still want to know what the hell the woman eating the white snake in the promos had to do with anything.

3) We know that Kyle was killed in the bus explosion but we also know that they use magic to bring him back. Is this going to get stupid and frankenstein monster-ish or can we work the angle of Misty Day using some resurrection skills?

4) Will Madison Montgomery continue to be a “self-involved party girl” or will she understand how to work in compassion with her holier-than-thou outlook? Will she really help Zoe bring back Kyle or is it a trick? Is she the new Voldemort?

5) How long will Angela Bassett and Gabourey (Queenie) be with us? They are only listed as guest stars and that makes me nervous. What is Queenie’s power, anyway?

 

I highly recommend watching this during the actual show time, at night, in the cold, and with some wine. You feel so…witchy. Some more fun facts: say hello to New Orleans! They’re shooting on location, and somehow you really do feel the chill of the haunted history through your screen. Also, be prepared for some racial and political undertones, much of that we saw last night. It will make you cringe to watch what Kathy Bates’ character does to her slaves, but try to focus on her impeccable french accent and don’t blame her for reenacting history so evilly and perfect.

So in this little round-up, it’s a much better start than last year’s stupid Asylum where we were supposed to believe that Tate was banging that French chick. Nope nope nope. T&V forever.

Six Sexy Things About Fall, With Some Fails

Oh, fall. Or autumn if you’re fancy. It’s just so snuggly. But guess what, you slighty-to-serious perverts of mine — fall is sexy as all hell, too. Summer gets too much credit for sexified seasonal days. Sure, the denim underwear known as “shorts” and string bikinis known as “bathing suits” reveal as much baby bit view as you can handle, but autumn can bring people so much closer together. When summer hits why would you want to share sweat and have other peoples hair sticking to your sun poisoned body? Pffft. Nope. Give me thigh highs with dresses and cozy, slip-offable sweaters. Here I go into six sexiest things of fall…with a few not-so-sexy things, just to play fair (but only in pictures).

 

Flannel

sexy things about fall

This is completely necessary amidst the chilled air, but is totally unbutton-able. So trust, I’m playing coy when I ask you to “feel how soft this flannel shirt is!” What I want is for you to take your hands and feel around, then unpluck those plastic closures slowly, and wrap us both in it.

 

Bonfire

fall bonfires being sexy

So…this picture speaks for itself, yeah? Bonfires own autumnal evenings. You don’t even need to legit camp, just find a bonfire and get it on. The crisp air matched with the heat from the fire is a sensual explosion. However, I do recommend bringing a blanket, because…ouch to the above.

 

Haunted Houses

sexy haunted house girl

Autumn means Halloween. Halloween should mean tasteful scares with haunted houses and getting close and then taking off clothing and doing it. It does. Trust me, this is all what autumn and Halloween means. Plus, how cool would it be for a ghost if it caught you getting dirty in their house?! Nothing could possibly go wrong with that!

 

Hayrides

hayride sexy things

The great thing about hay is that they are mini mountains, and you can hide it in even though you’re two feet from people. The bad thing about hay is that 98% of people are allergic to it. The good thing about allergy medicine is that it works. So argument — settled. Hayrides are sexy, hands down. You throw it at people and roll around in it, but here’s another don’t-go-getting-nakie warning because, ow. Get a blanket or just flirt your face off until you’re sitting by a bonfire.

 

Boys In Sweaters and Leather Jackets

sexy fall things like a sweater

fall is sexual

what else do i put here sexy

Oh, le sigh. LE SIGH.

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Football

joe flacco the football

This is a picture of Joe Flacco. One) Because he went to my school and I had a class with him getting to know how humble he was. Two) He’s hot. Three) He represents football, which you can classify sexy in your own way. Be it the men of the game, the competition, the benches where you can get super close, what have you. It’s a sexy game. Ass slap, what up?

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Now for fall things that aren’t sexy aka annoy the hell out of me (personal opinion)

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Horny Camera Guys

camera guys are horn dogs

 

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Guess What I’M Supposed To Be!

hot halloween costumes

slutty halloween costumes

halloween sluttiness

…a birth control advocate?

 

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Not Knowing How to Properly Dress

sexy fall tricks
thanks, reddit

 

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Possible Death (by slipping)

tripping on autumn leaves

 

 

And if you love thigh highs as much as me, watch them here or buy them here.

 

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Google is Killing Porn, Sex Caught by 25 Cops, More in Morning Quickie

In HMFORHER’s wonderful home city, breaking news struck yesterday when a couple was arrested for having sex in a park — by twenty-five cops on bicycles. During a done-only-once-a-year bicycle training exercise, the mass of po po were just riding along when they came upon the two bent over a park bench in a baseball diamond. Good Lord there is just too much to say…just have a look at the image that will now be all the cops see when they sleep.

read

A daaannnngerous thing might be coming from Google. Though they are known for supporting gay rights and generally being awesome, could the company be advocating anti-porn for all and secretly planning to blow up the industry with Google Doodle lasers? Their blog platform Blogger announced that it will no longer allow monetization of adult content. In simple form, if you have a Blogger page and have ads featuring porn-related stuff, take it down right now, otherwise they are killing it.

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 See now, back in the years of hell I, too, was a virgin, but absolutely had discovered how to get off. So it’s not that strange that Rebecca, a 22-year-old virgin won a spot for designing sex toys, right? Oh, well, there’s the whole thing that she had never even used them before and presented a bottle of Beyonce’s perfume when asked by Ann Summers executives what makes her feel sexy. Besides all that, she’s winning at the job, and therefore at life. It’s helping her deal with her untreated rheumatoid arthritis, and yes, she has now used the toys and loves the effect.

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Don’t try Chinese methods to increase your sex drive until you read this article by Nerve editor Jeremy Glass. And after reading it, I just…wouldn’t really like to try them anyway.

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In other news, it’s summer. And don’t hate me for pointing out the obvious because the next time you blink you’ll need a sweater. Season is short. Summer means the best thing ever in the world – acceptable NEON. And one of my favorite sex toy distributors, Pipedream, has some NEON STUFF I WANT. Grab one, and get thee to a beach towel for some action in the sun. Just not at a public park…

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Gotta get a current event in here (bar trivia always has a current events question). Hong Kong is telling people of the world that they didn’t arrest Edward Snowden because the U.S. “didn’t know his middle name”. This may sound a bit “oh come on, wtf” to you, but remember that during a filibuster you can’t eat, lean, sit, or change topics, and you’re basically allowed to run out the voting clock, so, ya know. Politics.

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Happy Endings for Girls, Homemade Sex on Kinect in the Morning Quickie

Today’s Morning Quickie is brought to you by the Z-Pack, which is helping me recover from my nasty bout of a tonsil infection, which is why I wasn’t here last week, which is why you were so bored. Let’s hear it for antibiotics!

The folks over at YourTango posted an article a while ago that I’d love to find out is still happening. Happy Ending Massages for ladies? It was a thing, but I need to know if it’s still happening. Give it a read and get back to me on if this was something you’ve ever tried.

read it here

I’m sure we all remember the “such as…such as…” Miss South Carolina fail. Well, in a proud show of how the nation needs to “create eduation better,” Miss Utah showed up the Southern Belle in a Miss USA WTF moment. When asked why women continue to earn less than men despite 40% being the primary earners in the family, Marissa Powell had a lot, or not much, or does anyone really even know what she had to say?

With the XBox One coming out, and people being all psyched about that (yes, myself included), we’re being told that the device will only work with a constantly-connected internet connection and a camera. Let the sex freedom begin! Here to give you a preview into what sex-on-kinect can look like is artist Alejandro Gómez-Arias, and his amazing RGDBToolKit porno.

view it here

I follow a decent amount of porn stars on Twitter, and most of them are funny, light-hearted, and keep me up to date with what they’re filming and such as and such as. But one thing they always agree on (actually they agree on a lot but I need a good segue here) is the love they foster for Cutting Edge Testing in Sherman Oaks. Since before every production starts you need to get tested, this group of lovely people are on-hand to assure the safety of every porn stars’ nether region in the area. And now, in declaring this “Hepatitis Awareness Month,” they’re screening for both Hepatitis B and C. Progress!

read more here

This is both adorable and useful: a female masturbation app! Still in the beta form, HappyPlayTime, created by designer Tina Gong, shows a little cartoon in the shape of a vagina, with a face. Trust me, it’s awww-worthy. Because FORTY SIX FREAKING PERCENT of women say they masturbate less than once of month (you have got to be fucking kidding me, people), this project was created to educate you on the how-tos and whys of the act, in a visually pleasing way.

explore it here

Remy LaCroix Everywhere, How to Make a Sex Tape, Arena Crowd Does “Bohemian Rhapsoday Karoake in the Morning Quickie

As if on cue with releasing my undying love for Remy LaCroix, or at the very least her spot as our featured star, it was announced that this week alone Remy stars in two video releases. Evil Angel’s “Anal Corruption”, with Mr. Pete, and “Nobody’s Daughter” from Hard Candy, which also features James Deen and Mark Davis. But of course that isn’t everything. June 17th is the release date for her showcase “The Sexual Desires of Remy LaCroix”, and July 1st you can see her in Jenna Haze’s newest installment of “Meow!”

there’s even more that you can find here

The U.S. Military Academy at West Point was a name that always intimidated me. My mother was born there, and she brought me up under some damn good discipline. And I had high school friends move up into those ranks, only to never again recognize them during holidays when they would come home. But after a group of cadets on the school’s Rugby team were caught with some awful back-and-forth email smack talk, it’s not looking so intense anymore. This smack talk included insinuating women as basic sex puppets, racial slurs such as “some other ching chang place”, and mothers as masturbation teachers. Apparently, after these boys (yes, boys, read the emails by clicking on the link) were brought in for questioning, their punishment was cut short due to their impending graduation. Was this a smart move or something that they should revisit?

read the full story here

The YourTango.com posse came up with tips on “How to Make a Sex Tape”. Although their last article I didn’t particularly agree with, this one is pretty spot-on, and if you follow it you might end up with something more Wicked Pictures and less “What in the holy fuck is that, that canNOT be my vagina”

read them here

Laser hair removal I get, since you actually bare many parts of your body daily. But Ball Ironing? As in, the stretching (by lasers) of the testicle skin? And men are getting it done before award season? Why? Why?! Anyway, find out how much it is

by going here

I gotta just say, I’m proud of my song of karoake choice. Some of you may be embarrassed to admit you’d sing along, but I always have the room screaming in harmony when I belt out “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Yes, the ebbs and flows of that song never fail to bring smiles to everyone, even if I do want you to just shut up and let me sing it because I like singing and I like attention, dammit. But this video moment of harmony and group power was special. While waiting for Green Day, the entire crowd pulled an impromptu Queen bonding moment.

Girlfriends Films Gives to Hurricane Sandy Relief and More in Morning Quickie

Director and star Melissa Monet just announced that Girlfriends Films will be donating $1,000 to the Stephen Siller Tunnel to Towers Foundation, supporting the Staten Island aid and relief due to Hurricane Sandy. Every month the studio selects a “near and dear” charity chosen by one of their stars to donate to, which is ridiculously awesome to us! To see more about this monthly charity program that is pretty much the greatest thing I have ever heard about, go here.

help melissa’s and gf’s efforts here

If you haven’t seen the ending of this season’s Game of Thrones, don’t push play. For those of you that have or just don’t care, here’s Theon Greyjoy’s version of “Dick In A Box”

I’ve worked a lot of jobs in my life-career, and I’m proud to say that serving has been one of them. But never in a million years would I assume that tipping would go the wayside. At sushi joint Sushi Yasuda in Midtown Manhattan however, tips are done for. Servers are paid a salary, and receive benefits. This is in an attempt to preserve the Japanese custom, and authenticate everything the restaurant has to offer.

read more here

I’ve Got Yah iPhone Apps Right H’yah

If you don’t have an iPhone, then I’ve discovered it’s ridiculously easy for you to find adult-only Android apps without any searching at all. Just click here, and you have all the apps you’ll need. But for the Apple slaves users? Nuh-uh. Just running a simple search into Google brings up almost zilch of what you’re probably looking for, or it’s really outdated and probably banned anyway. So here you go. A collection of not actual porn, but porn-related awesomeness in your pocket.

10. Porn Trivia 

pretty straightforward, just lots of questions about porn

+ difficulties increase, porn slang, pretty, easy to use

not free (.99), only 40 questions, not updated since 2011

9. Nasty Sound Pranks

for when you just need to hear an orgasm in the middle of a crowded room

+ multiple sounds, includes a timer for spontaneity, won’t be dated

also have nails on a chalkboard, not free (.99)

8. a.k.a – Your Favorite Name Generator

everyone eventually wants to know what their porn/stripper name will be. everyone. 

+ uses a formula rather than randomizing, multiple categories, free

some predictable (though not the stripper name entry) can share friends’ results

 

7. Dirty Sex Jokes+

i’ll admit it. Sometimes it’s hard to dish good bar material when it’s raunchy joke time.

+ highest rating in the category, free, random jokes

chat section which is creepy, slow loading time in the “wall”

6. Wobble Premium

because of ‘dat wobble wobble wobble wobble wobb wobb

+ shakability, control levels, FUNNY, easy-to-use, free version available

could be offensive, not free or you get ads, spheres-only (no oval for penises)

5. Full-Screen Private Browsing

when you worry “the other half” is snooping, or “the little kid”

+ free, everything you could ever want

nothing

 

4. Sex Roulette

ideas, ideas, ideas, pinkie, thigh

+ straight-forward, won’t get you in trouble

i can’t understand the description to save my life. so. totally. japanese.

3. Savage Love

good ‘ole dan has all the answers to your sex-related ?!?s

+ so complete-ask questions, get the latest news, listen to podcasts, free

– having trouble with the negatives again…

2. Private Photo Vault

when you worry “the other half” is snooping, or “the little kid”

+ keeps those photos private, features a break-in security camera and gps, free 

– a lot of transporting

 

1. Dirty Game – Truth or Dare

was i the only one who had a bonfire party go dead last friday? solution

– so pretty, shake for question, multi-player or two-player, jokes function, multi-theme, paid version available, God i love this app

– sigh. nothing. get this.

 

Where You Should Never Have Sex And More In The Morning Quickie

After yesterday’s viral round of the whole “Michael Douglas got cancer from giving oral sex” story, Funny or Die decided that that was prime material for it’s latest “leaked interview”. In the recorded confession, the “voice” of Michael Douglas reviews how the films of his past influenced the way he, um, got cancer.

listen to it here

Since my YOUR day is never complete without some Game of Thrones action or nudity or death or what have you, our friends over at Fleshbot and Peeperz are offering you the scoop on Shae and Ros, respectively.

see nakie Shae here

see nakie Ros here

When I first heard of the Heeldo I was super confused. Do you strap the thing to your foot and repeatedly kick your partner’s vag or butt? Or do you literally “go fuck yourself”? So when I heard that foot fetish queen Ashley Sinclair became the official spokesperson for the product, I knew my questions would be answered without an extensive Google search.

find out how to use it while ogling Ashley Sinclair here

Teen girl lifestyle site Gurl (clever), likes to run articles about “How to Dress Like Your Fave Cinderella Characters (!)” and “Tips for Finding the Perfect Summer Fling” and “How to Mix Up Your Own Detox Water”. Welp, they recently just ran an article called “8 Places NOT to Have Sex”, and it’s going to kill that rebellious bug that bit you when you fantasized over…kitchen sex.

read it and weep here

Here’s an awkward, “ehhhhhh” story for you. A Washington teen recently went to her prom and was denied entry because of her large breasts. That’s one way of looking at it. Another way is that she went to her prom, was asked to cover her cleavage with a shawl because she broke the dress code, and left after an hour because she felt humiliated. Either way it’s getting attention.

decide who’s right here

And Now Fake Lesbians Watch Lesbian Porn…Morning Quickie for Monday

After last week’s viral video of “Real Lesbians React to Lesbian Porn”, the lesbian studio Juicy Pink Box unleashed their own answer to that, a YouTube vid called “Fake Lesbians React to Real Lesbian Porn”. It’s pretty hilarious, in a sarcastic, overly obvious way, since it’s stuffed with stereotypes.

A Slate journalist has posed a question to the masses: Is monogamous sex boring for women? And he’s seriously asking you. He’s writing a book about what women want, and is asking for you to write in and tell him (pertaining to monogamy). Unfortunately, any answers of pornographic nature are prohibited.

find out how to send your replies here

Do you consider Jesse Eisenberg a jerk? This interviewer does, after sitting him down to talk his new movie and it goes so badly you consider outing it for a fake. It’s definitely awkward, and interviewer Romina even blogged about how she felt humiliated by Eisenberg. I thought he was funny, and she was a little strange, but I’ll have you watch it and you can determine for yourself.

read blog, watch video here

Not all Irishmen are gifted with imbibing. At least not when drinking is combined with doing some amateur gymnastics. This dude wants to stand on his head while drinking a pint. Not surprisingly, it ended up not being a great idea.

watch it here

It’s Monday morning, and it’s raining here in Philly, and you probably hate both of those things. But I love the rain. So when I saw this gorgeous photo collection of rain scenes with a title honoring The Crow (“It Can’t Rain All The Time”), I decided to pass it on.

view them here

Caffeine Fix for Your Junk and Bra-Less Boobs

– I get the whole “God it’s 6am and I need five loads of coffee to attack just my inbox” during the work week. But how about if it’s 6am on a weekend and you need coffee to handle the five loads when your partner attacks? Pjur invented just that – a lube infused with caffeine, aptly named pjur espresso. But how do they get it to be taste-and-scent free?

– News hit yesterday that the HBO awkwardian drama Girls is the latest pop-cult hit to get porn parodied. But Girls’ writer and star Lena Dunham is all like “wtf?” and took to Twitter to release her frustration.

 

– This is so NSFW whatsoever, but if you like your porn in the form of (sometimes ridiculous) flash games, they’re around. I tried the student sex game, and once her clothes came off it did raise my eyebrows…

– I like going bra-less too. It’s day-um hot. But oh my gah, yes, look at number 8 and number 21

– I was going to comment solely on the coming of the side butt as a no-no take on the side boob, but actually this entire post has fashion hell-nos.

– Okay, fine, more sex games since it’s Friday.