Tag Archives: positions

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Election Day Positions

election-day

With election day here I thought it would be a good idea to put together a list of positions fit for everything that is the 2016 Presidential Election for the good ole US of A. Be careful, it’s all fun and shit today, but you might pay for it tomorrow…

The Squeeze

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I figured we’d start with all the undecided voters out there since there’s a record amount this year. Just like Ariana Marie up there, you’re being squeezed with lots of pressure mounting from all sides. There are derogatory recordings and countless emails to sift through, with everybody from your momma and aunties to Jay-Z and Beyonce telling you to go out and vote. At first, you think you can handle it, but at this point the stress is almost unbearable and you just want it to be over! Don’t worry, it almost is. Just remember that at the end of the day, no matter which way you lean, there’s still a dick in your mouth, and it’s gonna be there for the next 4 years, so make sure at the very least it’s the dick of your choice!

Manhandled

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For those of you unaware, that very strong man up there (with his boots still on…rude!) is Prince Yahshua, and he is manhandling the very beautiful Kagney Lynn Karter. When Prince gets his legs wrapped around you like that it’s over. You’re getting manhandled and there’s nothing you can do about it. From that position he may choose to flip you over into a pile driver or standing 69 but you won’t have any control over it. This election is manhandling the American people as I type! You feel like you’re making a choice and taking an active role in your future, but look at the choices…just like with Yahshua up there, you’re fucked.

Too Damn Much

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In the closing weeks approaching Election Day I’ve seen anti Hillary Clinton television ads with her drawn as a cartoon figure pulling puppet strings with The Simpsons theme song playing in the background. I’ve seen drawn images of Donald Trump groping more pussies than I’ve ever witnessed in porn, and The New York Times vs. The Wall Street Journal battle has reached a new level of nuclear passive aggressive warfare. Everybody is doing too damn much just like that creative threesome up there! I mean, I can’t turn on the T.V., open a newspaper or magazine, or walk past a billboard without being subjected to one outrageous statement after the next, all filled with opinions that if you ask me are all wrong (I’m a philosophy major, I get to call your opinion wrong, accept it). Please, keep the creativity coming and the wheels spinning, but at some point we have to draw a line. Does that shit up there look safe to you!? Exactly, and neither is this election.

The Spidey-Blow

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Ever since that damn Spider-Man movie everybody wants to do everything upside down. This entire election is upside down and has been since the very beginning. The choices leading up to Donald and Hillary weren’t great to begin with, which is how we find ourselves in this place. Bending over backwards trying to make the best decision for your future and those you love just to take a dick in the throat at the end of the day. Plus you wake up with back pain in the morning.

It Hurts

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Jackie had fair warning. She knew what she was getting into before she got there. The information was out there and Lorenzo made himself available for questions and explanations. You can tell by the look on her face and how she tightens her body and keeps it that way while he fucks her in the ass. She’s bracing herself and yet here she is, experiencing pain and pleasure at the highest level possible (if you disagree you’ve obviously never had anything up your ass). That’s what we’re headed for over the next 4 years people. No matter which way you vote, you’re going to have the good with the bad. Emails and gropes, insults and non-explanations, walls and wars; this is our future, so tighten up, brace for the pain when it comes, and pray to whoever the fuck you pray to for an orgasm to quickly follow.

Follow The Authentic Lesbian on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for political insight into the doom that is sure to come…and go.

Post Humpday Link Love!

Happy day after Humpday!  I was out of the office yesterday and missed the official midweek hump, but that doesn’t mean we need to forget about the awesomely sexy news of the Internets!  I’ve decided to throw all conventions to the wind and hit you all with a little link lovin’ a day late.  I know, I am such a rebel.  Alright, let’s get to it!

– What does this portrait of Sarah Palin have in common with this one of naked chicks? They are both created from pieces of nudie mags as part of Jonathan Yeo’s ‘Porn In The U.S.A.’ series.  (via Fleshbot)

– How sad/scary is this:  a 30-year-old British woman was found dead in her bed, next to a sex toy and a laptop playing porn.  The coroner said she died of a heart issue during her “activity before death.”  I guess it’s not the *worst* way to go, but imagine that from now on you are known as the woman that came to her death. Eek. (via Frisky)

Crotch clutch! Oh Etsy, I love you more and more each day. (via Jezebel) Continue reading Post Humpday Link Love!

Link Love

Happy Humpday!  Welcome back to the mid-week stretch.  Masturbation month is in full swing and we couldn’t be more excited to have an even greater reason to go on and on about the awesomeness of porno.  That said, we’ve got lots of tricks up our sleeves and lots to do, so let’s get to the Humpday celebrations!  Link Love in 5-4-3-2-1…

– Very vaginal tree gets an accessory. Mother Nature never looked so fierce!

– Yes it’s a fake, but still pretty funny. A woman claims she got pregnant from watching a 3-D porn. I guess it really is that realistic.

– An in-depth look at Labiaplasty and the quest for an “ideal” vag, complete with a graphic video featuring parts of the procedure.  Definitely interesting, but it’s impossible to unsee that snipping once you watch… Continue reading Link Love

Love at Any Length – Penis Size and the Perfect Positions

My partner’s penis is smaller than I’d like, what are the best positions to maximize his goods?
-Desperately Seeking Size
Miami, FL

Not all penises were created equal. Some are bigger, some smaller and, unfortunately, some fall into the “what am I supposed to do with that?!?” category (which includes both the very small and very big). While some people love the smaller stallions, others need a little more horsepower. One of the downsides to having sex using a biological cock (other than the whole baby-making aspect) is that unlike using a harness and dildo, you’re man’s meat is stationary. You can’t just swap out an undesirable size for one that works better with your shape and size preference. But not to fear, there are easy workarounds to get past the problem of the pequeño penis.

Fortunately for us, the body is a bendy and exciting tool in the arsenal of tricks you can use to enhance your sex life. The positions that best suit a smaller suitor are ones that compact the vagina to make it as short as possible. Shorter vagina means that you get deeper penetration and feel more of your vagina being stimulated by his penis.
Continue reading Love at Any Length – Penis Size and the Perfect Positions