Online Dating

So there’s a great debate about who pays for the first date. Some say a guy should absolutely always under all circumstances definitely do it. Some say that whoever asked the other out should pay. Some say that the bill should be split “Dutch” style, while still others say that if the girl is paying her share it’s an indication that she wants out of there.

The first, the guy always pays ‘traditional’ method has some very adamant backers. I once got into a half hour argument with one of my best friends who actually suggested excusing yourself to go to the bathroom and then beating a hasty retreat if the guy didn’t pick up the tab fast enough! The most common reasoning for this method seems to be that this is the way a guy communicates interest, because a woman spends so much time on hair, makeup and dressing up for the occasion it’s pretty obvious from the get go if she’s interested but if I guy can’t or won’t pick up the first date check? Well he’s not worth the effort you’ve already wasted getting ready once let alone a second time around.

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Courtesy of Devil’s Panties – Go Read

It’s pretty important to figure out what you actually want to find in the ideal match. Why? Because the second you jump onto an online dating site you’ll be bombarded with thousands of options and some of them might be compelling, in the most shallow distracting time wasting way possible.

For example, there used to be a guy in my possible matches whose main profile pick was of him showing his ass while playing a drum set – he had a cute ass, a very cute ass I do admit, gay porn cute which is saying a lot, but was I really interested in the type of guy who’s online showing off naked bits? Not really (unless his name is David Taylor, in which case – call me) and if it had been a shirtless picture like many other profiles, I would have just passed him by without even a click. It wasn’t what I was expecting, it was kind of funny and I ended up spending way too much time looking this guy’s profile over trying to decide to write him a message on the merits of his cute butt alone – somehow, I managed to control myself.

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Here’s the thing that everyone seems to forget in the online dating process while they’re looking for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect – it’s supposed to be fun. The greatest times I’ve had with this online dating thing hasn’t been when I’ve come across a profile that makes me weak in the knees or my lady bits wet, it’s been when I’m completely goofing off and having fun with everything from playing online popularity contests to conducting ‘experimental’ online dating research (here’s a sample from my last experiment – guys are no more fond of shameless flattery than females are, who knew).

Most of the time when I’m looking through my online matches (after I’ve shallowly gotten rid of anyone that I can’t imagine ever touching someday) I’m far more interested in someone that seems fun or funny than I am in someone who seems to be treating their online profile like a resume or a job application. The most memorable correspondences I’ve managed to have all focused heavy on amusement (and in one very special case, bacon) in which we didn’t try to probe the depths of each other’s most cerebral elements online but instead focused on silly things that made one or both of us smile.

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Often when I get ready to write one of my adventures in online dating, I’m reminded that I’m just another seeker on this big ol’ journey and I’m not absolutely certain about how I’m getting to my destination, let alone how you should get to yours. Then I remember I like to type like I know everything and I forget about pretenses of modesty. So onward, my brave adventurers, to the next installment!

So at this point, I’ve been buzzing around my dating site of choice for a bit and while I’ve had a few dates I’ve also struck out more than a few times (I think I even scared one guy so badly that he deleted his profile! Seriously, there’s no love for aggressive women on or offline). And in the process of striking out over and over and over again (remember the cuties that I missed out on contacting, well one came back and still isn’t interested) I’d attempt to help some other OkCupid users with similar problems. In the process I learned a few things.

Here’s the crux of it – absolutely everyone wants a super hottie and online with the shield of anonymity (and the possibility that in some cases she might be a bot) no one feels the need to limit themselves the way they would in real life. This causes about a million and a half people to run off and complain because “everyone online is shallow,” (girls) or because “girls only like muscle bound jerks,” (guys).

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It’s time for more hard gleaned wisdom about the wilds of online dating! Next up –supposed total deal breakers that often pop up in people’s profiles. Now it’s important to remember that everyone has different tastes and points of view, so some of these things might not be a complete no go for you or your ideal potential partner, but if you’re trying to throw the widest net possible avoiding these total no-no’s will definitely help you get more of the right kind of attention. Also, I’m only going to discuss the relatively small things people won’t feel too cheated on if you fudge a little, don’t go doing anything stupid like saying you haven’t got any children and then showing up with a couple of teens calling you Daddy/Mommy!

The number one deal breaker for people looking at male profiles – whining. Why is this male specific, I’m not entirely sure, gods only know I whine constantly, but it’s a complete turn off for women and men to see a guy say something that totally buggers them as a match right off the bat. Not many people really want to jump anyone’s bone that isn’t comfortable with themselves first (low self esteem almost always translates into unpleasant sex anyway; it’s a way bigger indicator than a guys shoe size). Being overly self deprecating in your profile and first messages will only make people pass you by. Remember it’s a written profile, so there’s absolutely no use in beating yourself up in it; and when it comes to attracting the opposite sex it’s always important to pretend you’re hot stuff even if you’re still a little insecure about your crooked nose, or the fact that you haven’t reached your big life goals, or if you’re are going prematurely bald, or the fact that you’ve messaged a million people already and no one has replied, etc.

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It’s time for more hard gleaned wisdom about the wilds of online dating! This time, its more tips scooped right out of the OkCupid forums. I have to admit, having a forum is a really great feature for this particular dating site for a number of reasons. The first and simplest reasons being, it’s a great way to figure out what people are really looking for in a profile and how best to make an impression when you’re just one out of several thousand people vying for your potential soul mate’s attention.

One of the first things I learned from the forums – never just don’t say anything! If someone messages you and you’re not interested, go ahead and say so. Occasionally you’ll be confronted with a real jerk with an encyclopedic knowledge of insults to hurl at you, but most of the time people prefer to hear something rather than nothing at all.

Second most important thing I learned quickly – pics! You should post at a minimum, three shots: one good head shot, one good fully clothed body shot and at least one ‘fun’ shot. The logic behind each is pretty simple but I’ll explain anyway. Profiles without images are instantly ignored by the vast majority of users. Profiles that only have one, carefully obscure, head shot and nothing else – make you look like you’re hiding something horrible. Regardless of what you look like, online everyone wants to know that up front and first (which is amusing because everyone also wants to pretend that they’re not shallow online but they all so totally are) so be honest with your head shot. The body shot is another stab at being honest with your potential partners. The ‘fun’ image is more about glimpsing a person ‘in their natural habitat’ hanging out and enjoying themselves.

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Ready for the next installment in my online dating adventures? I hope so because this one contains hard earned wisdom and some stupid things people don’t really think of mentioning about the online dating scene.

See, I’ve picked my site and I’ve created a profile that I think is both witty, inviting and succinct (brevity is the better part of wisdom in online profiles, as in resumes) and I think I’m hot stuff online already. But I’ve already made several mistakes – chief amongst them being, I used my HotMoviesForHer pen name. It’s a good name, flirty, fun and I’ve been using it for years in a variety of locales. It seemed like a logical choice, until I ran into a post on the OkCupid forums asking “what’s your favorite way to research a date?” The answer is google them, of course.

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I have a confession to make – I’m trying online dating. My decision to get into the virtual dating scene was based partly on curiosity, partly on laziness and partly on the fact that deep down I’m still that little girl that believes I’ll find the one man on the planet that’s extra special to me (I won’t mention the part of me that also wants to find this guy while I’m still young enough to hump without breaking a hip) and dating sites allow me to search outside of my normal range (raves, bars, work, friends, passing lunatics.)

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