Tag Archives: Joanna Angel

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Porn Stars Are Athletes Too

In the early 2000s, or what I like to refer to as the Bring It On era, I found myself engaged in a debate over whether cheerleaders were athletes or not. Before then I had never given much thought to questioning if they were or weren’t, I thought it was obvious they were, and now I’m faced with the same question in regards to porn stars. With all the madness that comes along with March and our annual PornTourn competition, we decided to attack the question head on.

What Is an Athlete?

Webster defines the word athlete as “a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina.” The key words in that definition are “trained” and “skilled.” Anyone can go out and shoot hoops, but the training and skill levels are what separate athletes from everybody else.  This is where I think we forget about porn stars. On any given night, you can see a video clip of Stephen Curry or James Harden working on their handles in a gym for hours. Turn on NFL Network and you’ll get a glimpse of the next big college prospect bench pressing two times their body weight and talking about the off-field work that we viewers rarely get to see. What we aren’t privy to is all the work porn stars put in behind the scene. Think about it, we never get to see Prince Yahshua’s push up routine before flipping chicks over with his dick still inside, or watch the beautifully buff women of Iron Belles during a regular gym workout that doesn’t involve face smothering some skinny chump (I say that with all the love in my heart). Some might argue that with porn stars nobody wants to witness the unsexy hard work that they put into their bodies, but I live for behind the scenes footage so that reasoning doesn’t work. Others might admit to a similarity here or there but deny that porn stars are on the same athletic level as semi-pro and pro athletes. I’d argue they’re wrong.

High Level Consistency

Nobody wants to be the guy that only wins the championship once. That’s like only serving one term as President. I mean, yay, accomplishment, but winning and being great is about consistency and what goes into maintaining it. You can’t mention the word consistent in porn circles without then mentioning Nina Hartley. Look at that figure! You don’t get a body like that just having great sex, although I’m sure it helps. But diet and routine (along with genetics) get the credit per Nina, and that alone is more than some of us can handle. Trying not to eat bacon three times a day is struggle enough for me. But believe it or not, Nina Hartley isn’t the type to hit the gym regularly for vigorous cardio and she isn’t the only one. In a recent interview with Misty Stone I learned she doesn’t go out of her way to maintain her beautiful figure either. A balanced diet, amazing hygiene before and after shoots, and a little luck gets the credit per Misty.

Just like in sports, the same routine, or lack of one, can’t be applied across the board to obtain success. Because something works for one doesn’t mean it will work for others, and what comes easy for some won’t come easy for others. Tasha Reign gave OC Weekly the inside scoop on her pre-porn rituals and after letting the guys know it’s not as sexy as the fantasy she ultimately produces, she goes straight into how she cares for her body. It’s no secret that sex is one of the best (and usually free) workouts around, but some of the positions porn stars put themselves into goes way above what us amateurs try nightly. To keep up with the demand, Tasha keeps a group Pilates or yoga class on her schedule, maintains a vegetarian diet, and makes sure to get at least eight hours of sleep at night (sounds like the Tom Brady way of life). In 2010 Asa Akira admitted to Cosmopolitan that if she could, she’d work out every day of the week, but since scheduling would never allow that, she settles for a few days a week of boot camp training (which is insanely intense!) supplemented with yoga, and lots of dressing-free salads. Similarly, Jesse Andrews participates in boot camp training and hiking while throwing in fun physical activities like bowling and dodgeball and keeping a healthy diet free of bread, milk, and my personal favorite, McDonald’s. She juices a lot, and tries to eat kale at least once a day all in the name of adult entertainment. I thought I was doing something by making everything in my Starbucks order “skinny,” but these stars blow me out of the water.

I noticed that almost every performer I came across participated in some form of a physical stretching exercise like Pilates, yoga, or tai chi. When I was little my father put me in ballet classes, which was torture because I was not a girly girl and hated everything pink. When I begged and cried for him to take me out he explained his reasoning. Ballet would provide a foundation of footwork that I could take and build from to further better my overall basketball game. Once I heard and understood that, you couldn’t get me to skip a ballet class. I wanted to be the greatest basketball player to ever play for Pat Summit down in Tennessee and if ballet was going to help get me there I’d sleep in my tutu (ballet, you totally dropped the ball here). Because of the rigorous activity porn stars’ bodies must go through daily I think the boot camp, yoga, and Pilates become extremely important and necessary for some. Think about the positions they put themselves into and it’ll all make sense.

While Dana DeArmond doesn’t have to do much to keep herself looking fit, she did admit that foot worship scenes are very close to a core workout for her because while giving a footjob you must keep your middle balanced while stroking with your legs. Chanel Preston, who stays away from too much cardio for fear of being too skinny, talks about how much of a workout wearing a strap-on is, and I for one appreciate the hell out of that. Pelvic thrusting is one of my absolute favorite things to do, but squatting is one of my least favorite things to do, and fucking a chick with a strap is nothing if not squat class 101 (102 for us overachievers). And just about every female porn star ever asked about working out talked about posing, modeling, and lugging around a lot of shit, which got my wheels spinning…

Porn stars, like cheerleaders and gymnasts fall into the category of having to look good while putting their athleticism on display. The most I worried about when it came to appearance was if my sneakers and head band matched, and I bet Sam Cassell and Tyrone Hill can say the same thing. Appearing attractive while performing isn’t something many athletes have to think about. Adult performers, however, have it at the top of their morning list and are responsible for bringing their own wardrobe to set, which can consist of everything from 3 different outfits and 2 pair of heels to match, to that plus a suitcase filled with whips, chains, and a strap-on, which are heavier than they look. In pro sports, you don’t have to bring your own equipment and in college sports a lot of that is taken away, especially for stars. You’ll never see coach K showing up to a tourney game with a bag of balls for shoot around just like you’ll never see Usain Bolt cleaning up the track after a hard rain. Porn stars are expected to travel with most of their own shit though (if you’ve ever traveled with a woman you know the horror this could be), twist and conform their bodies into positions we’re too scared to do more than fantasize about, appear attractive to a wide audience, and look like they’re enjoying it. Imagine that was in the work contract you signed! I would be screwed. Sure Tina Thompson, the 1st overall pick in WNBA history, took it upon herself to wear red MAC Diva lipstick during every game, but that was more about luck and later in her career making a statement about women who play professional sports. For porn stars, something as simple as red lipstick, and looking good wearing it while sucking dick, is often a job requirement, and after viewing a million photos of yourself naked, keeping a positive body image and attitude can’t be the easiest thing in the world.

Siouxsie Q, who performs in a lot of hardcore BDSM titles, wrote an article for SF Weekly this year in which she talks about getting back into the adult industry and preparing for a shoot with everyone’s favorite queer, Andre Shakti. “Although I’ve missed getting paid to have sex with hot people, the epic hair and makeup, and the silly costumes and dialogue, the main thing I’ve missed about the adult film is the athletic lifestyle. When I was performing full time, I devoted much of my week to yoga, weight training, cardio, and a strict diet, but now that my life is more about policy papers and political action committees, there’s not much time for crafting my porn star bod. To get ready to be naked in front of the camera again, I’ve had to convince myself that I’m living in a training sequence from an inspirational sports movie from the 80s. This involves a great deal of hard-boiled eggs and running around my neighborhood at 7 a.m. in a waist-training corset. It’s not easy or glamorous, but neither is being a porn star.” Can you imagine that shit!? Siouxsie was only out of the game for about a year, and even though she’s heavy into BDSM, 7am runs in a waist corset!? That’s serious dedication right there, but I think my favorite part is that she actually missed the athletic lifestyle. The game is won in practice and conditioning, and athletes expected to perform with high consistency know this. Porn stars are no exception and Siouxsie Q’s example of commitment to preparation illustrates this perfectly. Not only is working out and eating healthy a constant, but upkeep like shaving, makeup, and all that jazz have to be top priorities too. With all the work adult entertainers put into their craft they deserve to be paid and acknowledged for it. This brings me to my next point…

NCXXX

For the most part professional athletes are paid very handsomely for their talents and the work that goes into them. Hell, some are paid way too much (Brock Osweiler, Kwame Brown, Andy Dalton) just because of the promise that they might be great, but when it comes to porn stars, they get the NCAA treatment regardless if they’re pro , semi-pro, or amateur playing in the d-league. The only thing missing is the outward appreciation college athletes get. Look at Rico Strong up there. He wasn’t born with those muscles, and even the fellas have to take a little time to appreciate the physique. Nobody wants to watch Fat Bastard (or Mike Myers for that matter) bang anything, no matter how hot she is, but do you think any of that turned into dollar signs for Rico? Despite all that bad ass ink I’m going to bet that answer is no, and that’s a shame. Male porn stars are pretty much only there to provide the dick in straight flicks, and on the surface that’s all they’re really good for. But there’s a lot that goes into the upkeep of that dick and the body it’s attached to.

Take the beloved Johnny Sins for example. To start his daily routine, Johnny stretches with a few kick backs and pushups before attacking those abs we all know and love with 12 reps of dead lifts, 24 reps of bicycles, and 12 reps of squat jump tuck. In fact, his routine and physique gained so much recognition that he started instructing in and selling workout videos (seriously, look at his YouTube page). And that’s on top of his whole grain diet in which he stays away from microwaves and eats every two to three hours to keep his metabolism going. That seems like a lot for someone who is essentially a prop on set who just needs to keep it hard for hours and then cum when he’s told. You’d think there would at least be some type of handshake or pat on the back when it’s all said and done since this is the guy who banged the hot babe while lifting her over his head, which just happens to be your favorite position to fantasize about and makes you cum every single time, but nope! The dude is responsible for maintaining a certain look, keeping his junk up for an insane amount of time (diet plays a factor here), busting a nut on cue, lifting chicks with big asses and even bigger titties (weight lifting, ugh), and nobody buys his jersey or shakes his hand. Plus his check is smaller than his female co-stars every single time, and if you’re a minority it’s even less! If it wasn’t for the sex I don’t think guys would even show up, and I can’t blame them.

Speaking of all the sex that makes it so worth it, James Deen talked to GQ back in 2013 and shed light on just how much of a workout it is. “In the film world, people don’t realize you’re not just having sex. Sex on camera can be anywhere from 20 minutes to four hours. It all depends on the production and type of scene. It’s also not just standard sex like, ‘let’s just make each other’s bodies feel good,’ its physical entertainment style sex.” That doesn’t sound as great as it looks especially the stop and go of it all, and it really makes you think about how much work goes in to sex for entertainment. The performer is responsible for making sure we have a good time, and while it falls on everyone in the scene, men in straight movies bear that burden, although they often go unappreciated (straight women who enjoy porn feel this pain too). I can’t imagine someone stopping me in the middle of a good time with Kira Noir to pose for the camera and after it’s all said and done I don’t even get a “great job Authentic Lezz!” I understand that these guys get to fuck some of the hottest, freakiest, downright irresistible women walking the face of the earth (at least that’s what we think), but employee recognition goes a long way and it’s not like the guys aren’t working hard for it. The way Ryan Madison fucks is nothing less than exhausting and to think he’s stopping and changing angles and actually working in the middle of it all literally is enough to blow my mind. That man puts the energizer bunny to shame!

A Means to an End

Athletics of any kind are encouraged in today’s society more than ever before. Not only does being athletic promote a healthy lifestyle, but team activities teach us how to depend on each other, work together, overcome adversity, and succeed as a unit. It helps in the workplace and in one’s social life, but today being athletic and playing a sport has taken on a new and bigger role. That shit pays for college! Higher education has become big business that most of us can’t afford, but we’re constantly told we need it (similar to what’s going on with home buying in today’s economy, but I digress). That piece of paper opens up a world of opportunities and if you can sing, dance, run, jump, or anything else that people are willing to pay to watch you do to get it then by all means GO… unless it’s porn. Enter Belle Knox. Intelligent enough to get accepted into Duke University, Knox began her adult actress career in 2013 to help pay for her $60,000/year tuition. Pornography allowed her to control her schedule so she wouldn’t miss classes but still make enough money to survive, a constant struggle for working college students, while ensuring she wouldn’t be trapped in debt upon graduation. On top of that she entered a profession where she could travel, meet and learn from all types of diverse people, explore her sexuality and body image, something all young women go through, and be subjected to medical testing to ensure her safety, something us non-porn star college kids didn’t do enough. What parent wouldn’t be proud of her as a daughter!?

Despite what, when laid out, many would consider major accomplishments and smart thinking on her part, Belle Knox faced a lot of criticism because of her career choice. Besides being ousted and harassed by the frat boys watching porn in the first place, she lost respect from some of her professors and peers, and had to explain her lifestyle and job to staff. Apparently providing adult entertainment to the masses is not an acceptable way to make a living, although watching it bears no ill judgments from society (that double standard kills me!). Sit back and imagine if the dean of your kid’s school called them into a meeting to explain why they work one place instead of another and then made judgments based on that one thing. I’m telling you now, I’d be happily in prison watching graduation on Twitter Live using a burner phone somebody snuck me because that dean’s face would no longer look the way God intended. For the life of me I will never understand many of the ridiculous stereotypes that follow sex workers, but the one that really grinds my gears is that somehow your preppy snot nosed kid is being negatively influenced or put in danger. Countless porn stars have studied at and walked college campuses before, during, and after their career, and not one of them (to my researched knowledge) has ever harmed anyone. In fact, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to have Brandi Love (Central Michigan), Bree Olsen (Indiana Purdue), Carter Cruise (East Carolina University), Lexington Steele (Syracuse), Stoya (Delaware College of Art & Design), and Joanna Angel (Rutgers) on campus. The experience they have across the board, life lessons they can share, and the immense success they’ve all enjoyed are priceless to anyone they stop and talk to.

It’s time we recognize adult entertainers as professional athletes and give them the credit they deserve. Hopefully you pay for porn, and that’s great because they worked hard to provide you with a quality product you can jizz all over, but it goes beyond that. The way we view and think about porn stars on a day-to-day basis needs to escalate to a level where we begin to consider workouts, diet, make-up, wardrobe, and the expectations we place on them that we wouldn’t be able to meet ourselves, because it really is a lifestyle that they must adhere to on and off camera. It’s bad enough there’s no union, health care, or HR departments stars can rally around on the same level as us office dwellers, so the least we can do is acknowledge everything that they do to make themselves great and us horny.

That’s all for now, but for more from the great mind of the Authentic Lesbian, follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 and remember, sex is positive, sex is your friend, and sex can pay the bills!

Writers Roundup: Best of 2016

At the end of each calendar year, the adult industry typically reflects on the past year’s releases in the form of award nominations. At HotMoviesForHer, we consider ourselves the experts of all things XXX, and with our unique and differing perspectives on the content we see each day, the staff writers decided to nominate our own personal choices for some already-established award categories, and some categories that we came up with ourselves. Take a look below to see what we’ve hand-selected as the best of XXX in 2016.

@JudyHologram

abelladanger2016Female Performer of the Year: Abella Danger and Sara Luvv

It’s a toss up between Abella Danger and Sara Luvv. They’re both great performers who are tons of fun to watch, and they consistently pick great projects to work on.

Male Performer of the Year: Manuel Ferrara

I know he’s already won like 1000 times, but I’ve gotta stick with Manuel Ferrara. The man could generate sexual chemistry with a chia pet. Her scene with Abella Danger in her Hard X showcase, Abella, was truly phenomenal.

Best New Starlet: Kira Noirkiranoir2016

Kira Noir really stood out for me this year. She has a look that’s really hard to find in this industry, and she carries herself with a ton of maturity. I consistently have to remind myself that she really is a newbie and that she’s not an industry veteran.

cindyqueenofhell2016Trans Performer of the Year: River Stark

I have to go with River Stark for her performance in Transition. It was a powerful, semi-autobiographic performance that I think is really helping to change the landscape of trans-porn.

Best Feature Movie: Cindy Queen of Hell

I love seeing big passion project from people who really love their work. The first scene with Joanna Angel, Xander Corvus, and Small Hands is particularly awesome.

Best Gonzo Movie: Girl/Boy 2

Girl/Boy 2 from Dana Vespoli just really blew me away. A very close second would be Abella, the Abella Danger showcase from Hard X.

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Best Activist/Advocate: Siouxsie Q and Julia Ann

Siouxsie Q and Julia Ann  did stellar work on the No On Prop 60 campaign, and they really deserve more gratitude than we could ever give them!

Best Team Effort: Stoya and Kayden Kross

Stoya and Kayden Kross’s Trenchcoat X is all the gloriously arty smut that I’ve ever dreamed of, resulting in the candy colored Brett Rossi is Delicious!

Best Indie Movie: Glitter and Gold

These two really go hand in hand, so I’m going to pick 2 and go with Glitter and Gold.

@AndiScribe

Female Performer of the Year: Samantha Bentleysamanthabentley2016

Samantha has performed in several films this year, but I am most fond of her crazy character in Hard in Love I & II. She’s been writing a lot about the industry for mainstream publications, which has helped to give a non-porn audience an honest and intelligent look at the work she does.

Male Performer of the Year: Jean Val Jean

Jean Val Jean has been around for awhile, but recently he has made a huge comeback with Erotica X and Tushy scenes. Also, his scene with Joanna Angel in Dominantly Submissive was excellent.

christianacinn2016Best New Starlet: Christiana Cinn

Christiana Cinn started in late 2015, and she already has over 30 scenes to her credit with some of the biggest studios in the game.  She has a ton of creative vision and talent, and I hope to see much more of her next year. Although, I think many people will say Melissa Moore may get the nod this year due to her scary similarity to last year’s Female Performer of the Year, Riley Reid.

Trans Performer of the Year: Michelle Austin

Michelle Austin has worked her butt off this year as a performer, director, and studio owner.  She has also been forthcoming with her own work on her body, mind, and soul through social media and advocacy.

Best Feature Movie: Sugar Babies

Sugar Babies from Pretty Dirty studio. I am not writing any spoilers, but this was messed up and super hot. Best movie of the year, if you’re into dark and inappropriate relationships, which is what makes this studio really great.

Best Gonzo Movie: Anal Encores

Anal Encores from Mike Adriano Media. Newcomer Zelda Morrison’s scene with Mike is not to be missed.

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Best Activist/Advocate: Chanel Preston

It was great to see the industry come together to fight Prop 60, and there are a lot of people that were very vocal, reached out to fans and mainstream media, and really educated the masses on the issues. Chanel Preston held APAC together when it could have fallen apart. She pushed through with her team, and continued to expand membership and outreach.

Best Team Effort: Dee Severe and Jimmy Broadway

Dee Severe and Jimmy Broadway for Severe Sex films. This husband and wife team work with extremely talented performers, they were instrumental in the fight against Prop 60, they genuinely want the industry and everyone in it to be informed, safe, and have a good time, and their scenes always make me feel like they are having the most fun out of anyone in the biz.

Best Indie Movie: Femdom Fatale 5

Julie Simone‘s Femdom Fatale 5  because I need more unicorn anal play in my life!

@ExplicitBridget

Female Performer of the Year: Sara Luvvsaraluvv2016

For me, 2016 was the year of Sara Luvv. Everywhere I seemed to look, Sara dominated the major releases from virtually every studio out there. One of the biggest releases of the year, Babysitting the Baumgartners, showcased Sara’s ability to deliver incredible performances for both lesbian and straight scenes. She’s a truly dynamic star that continues to rise through the ranks of the industry into fan-favorite status.

Male Performer of the Year: Mick Blue

He’s won the title in years past, but Mick Blue continues to lead the male performer pack in my opinion. With his studio BAM Visions as a standout new brand for Evil Angel and his work with every other major studio under the sun, watching a Mick Blue scene was almost unavoidable this year, not that anyone would want to avoid the raunchy Austrian sweetheart!

lyralaw2016Best New Starlet: Lyra Law

We were introduced to the stunning Lyra Law in 2016, and I couldn’t have been more mesmerized by her performances. Whether performing as a Domme or as your more typical porn video-vixen, Lyra put her own sexy spin on being a California beachy blonde. Her scenes alongside real-life beau Michael Vegas were especially titillating for me because I could tell their chemistry was 100% authentic.

Trans Performer of the Year: Nina Lawless

I saw a whole lot of Nina Lawless this year, and I liked it! The super-fit Mexican hottie made waves working with almost every trans-friendly studio in the industry this year. Not only is her work ethic impressive, but so too is her range. Nina can be a sultry scene partner when she tops or bottoms, but she can also be a merciless Dominatrix during her kinkier shoots.

Best Feature Movie: Little Red – A Lesbian Fairytalelittlered2016

Girlsway is constantly killing it with their feature releases, but Little Red really took the cake for me this year. Inspired by the classic fairytale of Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red somehow turned a children’s classic into a raunchy lesbian romp that kept pretty true to the plot of the original story… as much as was possible without involving an actual wolf.

Best Gonzo Movie: Dirty Talk 3

Manuel Ferrara‘s series Dirty Talk is a pretty sensual take on the POV genre, and for that reason alone I love it. With each starlet beginning their scene by giving the camera “bedroom eyes” while telling Manuel exactly what they want to do to him, it’s a pretty intimate and sexy moment. This series is unique and doesn’t get enough credit in my opinion, but the third installment is especially my favorite just because some of my favorite stars are in it: August Ames, Abella Danger, Karlee Grey, and Briana Banks! Doesn’t get hotter than that.

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Best Activist/Advocate: Andre Shakti

It’s one thing to work in the adult industry and face all of society’s unwanted morality and criticism for your career choice, but it’s quite another to face all of that unwanted backlash and use your voice to fight for your rights as a sex worker. This year, Andre Shakti stood up for her and her fellow sex workers’ rights writing for multiple mainstream publications like Cosmopolitan and VICE, and also had the courage to pose for the cover of The New York Times Magazine for a piece debating whether or not sex work should remain 2016-12-20_14-03-47criminalized. Through her myriad of thoughtful pieces, Andre Shakti exposes the reality of working as a queer sex worker in a climate that still views her lifestyle as overwhelmingly taboo.

Best Team Effort: Anikka Albrite & Mick Blue

I love a good power couple, and Anikka and Mick are probably the closest thing to Beyonce and Jay Z that the adult industry is going to get. Between managing their new Evil Angel studio, BAM Visions, and continuing to churn out scorching scene-after-scene for every other popular studio in existence, Anikka and Mick keep themselves busy in the best way possible: doing what they love!

Best Indie Movie: FUCK THEM ALL

From indie porn studio Bleu Productions, FUCK THEM ALL really struck me as a fun and unique take on queer porn. Starring FTM trans performer Kay Garnellen, Kay travels through dark, erotic fantasies that ultimately lead him to an explosive gender-fluid orgy that is not to be missed!

For more award-winning movie suggestions, check out our 2017 AVN Awards category. And don’t forget to follow us on Twitter @hotmoviesforher!

Happy Halloween with Burning Angel

joannaangelJoanna Angel revolutionized porn with her vision of hot, alternative women making dirty movies and creative parodies. With her homages to classic horror, pinup couture , and popular culture, Burning Angel Entertainment has become the standard when it comes to modified women in porn. Joanna may have started in the “alternative” genre, but her hard work and creative vision has turned Burning Angel into an authority in the industry. Halloween is the perfect time to sit down with someone you fancy, and watch spooky parodies and horror remakes from the alt-genre master. Happy Halloween!

Evil Head

evilheadAn abandoned cabin in the woods is the perfect place for four friends to have an exciting and romantic getaway. They discover the book of Necronomicum, which turns members of the group into possessed demons. Watch as Ash (Tommy Pistol), Linda (Joanna Angel), Shelly (Kleio Valentien) and Scotty (Danny Wylde) unleash unspeakable evil from the “Book of the Head.” Evil Head brings you everything you would want in this pornographic horror remake – talking taxidermy, chainsaws, demons, and a gangbang with possessed trees.

 

Cindy, Queen of Hell

cindyqueenodhellIs it better to serve in heaven, or reign in Hell? Raven (Joanna Angel) had a fling with the devil (Xander Corvus) and got knocked up. Now, 21 years later, she must tell her daughter Cindy (Leigh Raven) the truth about her real father. Cindy is presented with the choice: remain on Earth…or be the next ruler of Hell! Follow Cindy’s voyage through the underworld filled with debaucherous demon sex and see her take fate into her own hands!

 

Fuckenstien

fuckenstienDuring their nightly romp, Joanna Angel and Dr. Frankenstein suddenly did something that had never happened to them before! She went wild when he stuck his fingers right in her ass WHILE he was fucking her pussy. Inspiration stuck, and the scientist created a monster whose sole purpose on this earth was to doubly penetrate his wife. Of course, everything got a little out of hand when his monster creation’s ego amped up, and the monster dick got out of control. It’s a XXX-rated homage to everyone’s favorite classic horror flick.

 

The XXXorcist

xxxorcistAfter all other exorcism methods fail; Father Merkin (Tommy Pistol) has no other option but to fuck the hell (and the devil) out of a possessed woman, Regan Teresa MacFeel (Joanna Angel). Her Mother, Mrs. Mac Feel (Kylee Kross) looks on helplessly until she succumbs to the evil and becomes possessed as well. Father Merkin is compelled to fight for his life with his cock.

 

A Very Adult Wednesday Addams

wednesdayadamsWednesday Addams is all grown up! While she’s still fond of black, destruction, and death, she’s found some new interests since growing up; namely, her desire for dick! Mama Morticia had no problem keeping her man’s cauldron hot; now it’s time for Wednesday to learn how to wrap men in her spider’s web as well!

 

Comic Book Freaks and Cosplay Geeks

2016 AVN Nominee for Best Makeup

comicbookfreakcosplaygeeksFrom Joanna Angel comes  a fun and sexy set of scenes featuring the gorgeous, tattooed Burning Angels Draven Star, Larkin Love, Sheridan Love, London Lanchester, Annie Cruz and Rizzo Ford. Dressed up in sexy cosplay, these nerdy girls aren’t shy when it comes to fucking like crazy. The dialogue is funny, the sex is hot, and the orgasms are through the roof!

 

Cosplay Geeks 2

cospalygeeks2Ever notice how much sexier your favorite geek culture characters look in person at Comic-Con? So did we! We found five hot cosplayer girls to bring your nerdy, dirty fan fiction fantasies to life! Your favorite Burning Angel Girls cosplay the best indie and major comic, anime, and manga characters! Joanna And Small Hands in “The Nightmare Before XXXmas.” Draven Star As “Horny Potter.” Roggie and Nat Turner as “Spectrum and Luke Cage.” Rachel Ravaged in “Star Trek.” And Ophelia Rain as “Vampirella.”

 

The Walking Dead: A Hardcore Parody

walkingdeadAfter a month in a hospital bed, County Sheriff Rick woke up from a coma and quickly realized the world has been overrun by zombies. One odd notion was especially concerning; these zombies are hungry for brains…and sex! A jizz shot was the only sure-fire way to return these undead creatures to the grave!

 

 

 

The Whowhoreofdarknessres of Darkness

Director Joanna Angel calls her gothic new Burning Angel Entertainment release “a dark and demonic film,” and considering the devilish talents of such stars as 2011 AVN nominees Draven Star and Bella Vendetta, it’s easy to see why. Burning Angel favorites Star, Vendetta, Felix, Asphyxia, and Ranie Mae squeeze into velvet lace and don some dark eyeliner before throwing down nearly three hours of intense screwing. Hot sex and cool goth-punk sounds by Kommunity FK set the stage for two hours and thirty eight minutes of humorous hardcore action in the patented Burning Angel tradition. With Draven and Bella on board, this “dark and demonic film” is a trip to the promised land you’ll never forget!

 

Re-Penetrator

repenetratorRe-Penerator is a pornographic spoof of H.P. Lovecraft’s 80’s horror flick Re-Animator. The film is the story of a stripper (Joanna Angel), who after being dead for twenty years, is resurrected by a perverted mad scientist, Dr. Hubert Breast (Tommy Pistol). Dr. Breast vaginally injects the long dead, but exquisitely preserved, exotic dancer with a special serum so the re-penetrated corpse will return for the VIP room in hell and crave nothing but sex. After he injects her with a gooey green potion, the stripper awakens with an insatiable craving for balls and fucks the mad scientist from the gurney to the grave.

 

Killer Kleavage From Outer Space

killercleavagefromouterspaceThe inhabitants of Planet Areola are quickly becoming extinct, and one Earth penis could save them all. Not just any penis – a perfect penis. Experimentation with an imperfect penis WILL result in deadly tit-lasers. With Areola’s impending doom, Captain Sheridan knows she must send Jessie Lee to complete this mission. Why Jessie? Well, because she likes dick a lot.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: I Banged My Tattooed Step-Sister In The Ass

I Banged My Tattooed Step Sister In The Ass CoverJust when you thought it was impossible to love Joanna Angel and her crew more than you already do, BAM! She goes and puts out another hit! I Banged My Tattooed Step Sister In The Ass from Burning Angel is not only fun to yell out on the subway, it’s also a sexy, funny ink-filled adventure with a different story in every scene.

Scene 1 – Joanna Angel & Anna Bell Peaks & Toni Ribas

Before realizing that Anna Bell Peaks is so fucking gorgeous that of course a bunch of people go to her house to fuck her every day, I seriously thought some type of whore house operation was going on in this scene. I fully expected Joanna Angel to sit there collecting funds for services rendered, until I realized it was way worse than that. Poor Joanna is the ugly step-sister and when another guy shows up to bang her super sexy step-sister she desperately tries to get his attention and fails horribly. Even her pop tells her she’s hideous and probably won’t grow out of it. Not willing to sit around and take it anymore, Joanna bursts into Anna Bell’s room where she’s fucking the shit out of Tony Ribas and demands to be fucked! She even tells them ugly people are better in bed because they have more to prove (supermodel looking chicks do tend to lie there…just saying’) and eventually Anna Bell gives Toni the puppy dog eyes and he agrees to fuck her step-sister.

Joanna Angel in I Banged My Tattooed Step-Sister In The Ass

All three of them look good together. Anna Bell’s tits look like the perfect resting spot and the ink between her and Joanna was enough to make me pop. The sex itself was great and there was a constant chemistry between the 3 of them throughout the scene. Toni is his usual aggressive, face-fucking, choke-you-the-fuck-out self and it was fun watching him unleash it on Joanna since she wanted to be fucked so bad. She took that shit like a pro (this is Joanna we’re talking about so no surprise there) and the anal was intensely hot! It always felt like everyone had a roll and never stuck to the side watching. I particularly like when Toni and Anna Bell gang up on Joanna in an attempt to push her over the edge. Toni fingers her into squirt mode while Anna Bell strokes her asshole with a black dildo. Joanna’s facial expressions were priceless during this part and her borderline screaming heightened the experience. Plus I really like the fact that the very first scene is a step-sister fucking her step-sister. Yay, lesbians!

Scene 2 – Small Hands & Lola Luscious

First things first, Lola Luscious is hot and extremely good at playing the bad girl. When the scene opens you hear sirens, screeching cars, and some bad ass music. It becomes pretty obvious that all that attention was for Lola, who is hiding out in her step-brother Small Hands’ apartment trying to escape a warrant for assault. Apparently she held someone down and tattooed their asshole against their will because she thought it would be hilarious. Not exactly the type you take home to mom, but you definitely show her off at the bar! Anyway, she starts talking about midget biker gang orgy sex (because what else do step-brother and step-sister talk about) and realizes step-bro isn’t as experienced sexually as she is. Naturally big step-sis wants to help out and from there we’re off. Small Hands is another aggressive fucker but what I love even more is how much time he spent eating Lola’s pussy in this one. He paid attention to detail in this one…job well done Mr. Hands!

Small Hands and Rachel Madori in I Banged My Tattooed Step-Sister In The Ass

Sexually, you get everything you’d expect from these two. The scene is intense with lots of hair pulling, tit and ass slapping, dirty talk, direct eye contact, and slight choking. And to top it off, they look amazing together. You can’t tell where his ink ends and hers begin in some positions and visually it was really cool. If art could fuck, that’s what you have here. Lola adds that extra spark with her ridiculously perfect body. She has those in your face boobs and she’s the type of girl that wants you to slap and grab them instead of caressing her nipples or something not fun like that. Watching Small Hands fuck her from behind was my favorite part. He grabs her hair and slaps her ass leaving a few hand prints, but she takes that shit like a G! You can tell it turned her on more and there’s nothing like watching someone actually enjoy their work. Both Lola and Hands seemed really comfortable with each other on screen which made the scene feel lifelike.

Scene 3 – Joanna Angel & Small Hands & Rachel Madori

This is definitely my favorite scene when it comes to plot. So dig this, Small Hands doesn’t like his new step-sister Rachel Madori. She’s always in his way and on top of that she stole one of his records. We all know how close vinyl is to one’s soul, so this is a big fucking deal and starts a big fucking argument. In walks Joanna Angel aka Mom. From here on, the exact opposite of what should happen happens and it’s brilliant! In this creepy calm mom voice, Joanna explains to Small Hands that Rachel and her father both make her happy. She then walks over to Rachel and goes to town. They make out and Joanna eats Rachel’s pussy as a demonstration of how she should be treated and how the step-siblings should go about solving their problems from here on out. Now, there’s some shit you’re never going to agree with Mom about. That’s just the way works. But when she tells you to fuck the brains out of a hot girl, you get your shit together and you fuck that hot girl, dammit! Well, that’s exactly what Small Hands does. Granted, there was an initially element of surprise Hands had to get over after watching his mom and step-sister engage in something that’s clearly been going on for a while, but there was no performance anxiety when he stepped up to the plate, dick already in hand, ready to fuck.

Rachel Madori and Small Hands in I Banged My Tattooed Step-Sister In The Ass

And that they did. Small Hands fucked the shit out of Rachel! He was a man on a mission in this scene and she was there to receive. Rachel has an ass that’s 2nd to none by the way. At one point, as she was sucking Hands off with her ass in the air, I had to put my phone down, or this review would be nonexistent. I love titties, but man oh man do I love ass, and this girl’s is up there with some of the tops. I could stare at it for hours. As I was planning to do just that, in walks Mom to check in and see how everything is going.  After Hands yells, “Mom get out of my room,” they get to the anal fucking and her expression is the perfect mixture of pain and pleasure. From there Hands fucks Rachel into apologizing for stealing and hiding his record, which is the equivalent of a tap-out in my mind, and that was a major turn on because it’s always sexy to win. After all is settled, Small Hands runs off to tell Mommy all about how he followed her directions and completely forgot about the damn record.

Scene 4 – Mr. Pete & Taurus

Yay Mr. Pete! I have a completely healthy obsession with this guy and I cannot tell you why. I think I saw him fuck for the first time in 2010 and I’ve been hooked every since. He’s another aggressive one on the low and he always seems to have great chemistry with everyone he works with. I can now add Taurus to that list.

Okay, so Mr. Pete is a very successful drug dealer and baby step-sister Taurus came to stay with him for a while. One of the first things she notices is the amazing view from the back yard by the pool and she decides it’s the perfect day for some Vitamin D (you see where this is going…I know you do). After watching her seductively strip down to her bathing suit, step-bro decides he’s going to be the one delivering the D and walks right up to step-sis and kisses her grabbing a handful of boob for extra. Taurus is down from the beginning and the two continue in the living room. Mr. Pete eats pussy and ass with his normal brilliance before face fucking what is an absolutely beautiful face on Ms. Taurus. She has the two piercings on the lip thing going on and that plus the tattoos are my ideal.

Taurus and Mr. Pete in I Banged My Tattooed Step-Sister In The Ass

Like all three of the previous scenes, the sex and chemistry really made this one. There were some points where I felt like Mr. Pete carried most of it, but in all fairness Taurus was getting fucking pretty good. Pete went all Energizer Bunny on her while they were spooning and she never stood a chance. At first it looked like the anal might be a bit much for the sexy Taurus, but by the end of the scene she had Mr. Pete moaning just as much you can always tell when he’s really feeling it because the kissing intensifies. They started biting each other’s lips and I couldn’t hold on any longer!

Overall I Banged My Tattooed Step Sister In The Ass is funny, entertaining and sexy! Everyone was amazing and it’s definitely worth watching. Check it out and let us know what you think.

Don’t forget to follow me @authenticlezz1 and the rest of the gang @HotmoviesforHer on Twitter!

Porno Starring The Devil Herself

With Halloween right around the corner, we’re taking a look at all tricks and treats that porno has to offer. It’s only appropriate that we celebrate our favorite spooky sinner and the originator of all our unholy lustiness. We know her (ok, sometimes him) by many names. The Prince of Darkness. Azazel. Mephistopheles. Lucifer. Satan. Devil. Whatever we know her as, we love it when she takes a starring role in our pornos. She’s that temptress who gives us permission to give in to our desires, no matter the price, and that’s why she’s the best character that you could ever hope to see in your smut.

A Thing Of Beauty – 2015

A Thing Of BeautyIn this ultra porno retelling of the legend of Faust, Dana Vespoli portrays Victoria Hook, a creepy and convincing infomercial shill whose “Two Part Plan” to “Believe and Receive” lures the meek yet beautiful Bree Daniels into signing her name on the dotted line. When she shows up again in the final scene for a blistering round of rough anal sex, she delivers one of the best lines in all of porno: “I can feel the grace of God going up my asshole, where it belongs.” Writer/director/star Vespoli crafts a story with characters that really capture the mood and heart of the original legend. Backed up by a squad of lesbian demons and two fallen angels, Victoria Hook is hands down my favorite porno she-devil.

The New Devil In Miss Jones – 2005

The New Devil In Miss Jones boxcoverTen years later, this atmospheric and well-acted remake of the original 1973 cult classic is holding up really well. When virginal Miss Justine Jones (Savanna Sampson) commits suicide, she makes a pact with the devil to delay her descent into hell. The devil obliges, but only if the mousy blonde agrees to give into all of her most carnal, basic, and earthly desires. Savanna is fantastic as the mousy Miss Jones, but it’s the casting of the ultra charismatic Queen bee Jenna Jameson as the devil herself that makes it for me. She exudes danger, control, and a weird sense of warmth as she draws out Miss Jones’ desires, all while radiating intense sexuality. It’s entirely believable that someone would fall down the licentious path of ungodliness into this tempting she-devil’s clutches. If you’d prefer to watch the original The Devil In Miss Jones find it here!

 

 

The XXXorcist – 2006

The XXXorcistThis Burning Angel parody of 1973’s classic creepfest The Exorcist stars Joanna Angel as possessed eighteen year-old Reagan. When Father Tommy Pistol comes to the conclusion that he must perform a sexorcism, he delivers the stupidly clever line, “I’m going to have to fuck the hell out of you.” Joanna takes great fun in being repulsive, rasping her lines and snarling all over Tommy’s cock before vomiting pea soup on his crotch. The XXXorcist is a lovingly gleeful homage to the original, with the opening sequence tackling several of Dick Smith’s famous special effects. Joanna, Tommy, and costar Kylee Kross pull off some surprisingly hot sex scenes, despite the abundance of green vomit coating every surface and spurting from every orifice. Fans of the original will definitely find some silly and creepy jerk-off material in The XXXorcist.

The Devil’s Workshop 2 – Body And Soul – 2014

The Devil's Workshop 2 - Body And Soul“Pro Villain” Tim Woodman directs and stars as another Faustian dealmaker in this kinky release from Severe Society Films. Nikki Hunter costars as a struggling musician prepared to sell her body and soul for a shot at stardom, but when she finds that fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, the Devil still comes to collect…and crack a few whips! It’s always fun to watch Tim Woodman at work, and Nikki is deliciously desperate as she negotiates with the Prince of Darkness himself. Woodman hams it up, purring his lines with a smirk and a sneer as he seduces Nikki into the Devil’s Workshop.

Demon Lust – 2015

Demon LustSpizoo and director/star Ralph Long bring us some B-movie insanity with this year’s Demon Lust. Tommy Gunn plays a trashy Van Helsing who isn’t actually very good at his job, considering his weakness for murderous, big boobed demon babes. When his righteous son Ralph takes up his mantle, he must go head to head with the wily Son of Satan, Tommy Pistol, who has a British accent for some reason. Are British accents more evil sounding than Queens accents?  This is a weird, sprawling, transatlantic porno, where everyone in the cast seems like they’re about to break character and start losing it at any second. Tommy fulfills his devilish duties well, playing a smarmy trickster and costarring in the movie’s standout sixth scene with August Ames. Evan Stone kills it as a trigger happy warrior of God, and it’s really a shame that he doesn’t show up until the last scene. This whole thing was pretty confusing, but I loved that all the boobs were real and that everyone had a good, sexy time in this nutty tale of good versus evil.

Honorable Mention – Satan’s Whore – 2009

Satan's WhoreAlthough the devil herself doesn’t actually make an appearance, this high budget release from Harmony is worth mentioning for Gazzman’s stylish direction and the standout performances from its American and European cast. A Satanic cult performs their last ever Black Mass, not to summon Satan, but the most perfect sexual creature: Satan’s Whore, played by the stunning Russian beauty Alexandra Cat.

Find more Fantasy and Supernatural porno here on HotMoviesForHer!

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Judy Hologram would sell her soul to touch your butt. You can follow her on Twitter @JudyHologram and the rest of us @HotMoviesForHer.

The Time Hump Chronicles

“No, it’s not just sex. It’s love!

It’s two people connecting.

With four other people…

And aliens.”

Suzanne Warren, author of The Timehump Chronicles
And thus, the world was introduced to The Time Hump Chronicles, the epic eight part (nine if you count the fan fiction chapter) sci-fi erotic novel penned by Orange Is The New Black’s Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren. It tells the tale of Edwina, a time traveler with the ability to move backwards and forwards in time, who might also be a robot made of pee-proof metal. Edwina falls in love with both Space Admiral Rodcocker, a time humper from the future with two penises, and Gilly, a wuss from the past with the purest soul in the universe. The Time Hump Chronicles has pretty much anything that I have ever wanted from my XXX media: time travel, outer space, a trial by lovemaking, someone with more than two penises, someone who pees on everyone, open relationships, a guy made entirely out of Vaseline, and most importantly, a meaty storyline with characters that you can fall in love with.

There’s just one problem. The Time Hump Chronicles is a fictional piece of fiction written by a fictional character, and Netflix, distressingly, has not released any media tie-ins to sate the fans who are just clamoring for totally obscene wormhole sex between a robo-doll and a diphallic military man.

Fear not, my dear Time Humpers. I look the liberty of digging up the most batshit insane sci-fi/fantasy porn I could find, in the hope that it would be good enough to get our orgasmators off until the internet pulls through with the fan media that we need.

PornoMation trilogy

Pornomation 3 - Time Hump ChroniclesRobots! Aliens! Valkyries! Mermaids! Monsters! Monster cocks! Wood nymphs! A dozen dildos that come to life! A god damn auto-cunnilingus alien!!! Dudes, listen, the PornoMation trilogy is pretty much everything your weird little brain ever thought up as you teetered on the precipice of sleep as you lay in bed during your teen years. Part one of the series is chock full of short 1 – 4 minute computer animated vignettes in which the creatures of every nerd’s wet dreams fuck the crap out of each other. Some of the vignettes even manage to tell a little bit of a story with a beginning-middle-end set up. The second and third installments of PornoMation have their own feature-length plots! PornoMation 2 tells the tale of Zuma, a sexual gladiator from Earth, who must sexily battle her way across the planet Stratalyrie, while PornoMation 3 spins a yarn about a bored human couple who cheat on each other with fantastic creatures in their dreams. If there’s any porno that would be Crazy Eyes-approved, it would definitely be this.

Barbarella – An Axel Braun Parody

barbarella xxxIf you’re looking for a tale of a busty, space traveling heroine shot on a high budget (high by porn standards, at least) then Axel Braun’s parody of the 1968 sci-fi cult classic Barbarella should do the trick. Braun’s contract girl Riley Steele steps into Jane Fonda’s moon boots as the titular heroine, a hyper sexual astronaut traveling the universe in search of the doctor Durand-Durand. Along the way, Barbarella gets off with two cuddly aliens played by Evan Stone and Eric Masterson, Alec Knight in a wolf costume, the wonderful Asa Akira as The Great Tyrant, and the Excessive Machine. Axel Braun’s Barbarella parody not nearly as out there or inventive as The Time Hump Chronicles, but it does scratch the “hot lady in space” itch!

 

The Erotic Time Machine

the erotic time machineThe Erotic Time Machine is just the sort of low-budget late-nineties insanity that I was hoping to find. Kelli Summers stars as Miss Manners, a scientist from the 32nd century who has unlocked the secret to time travel. She narrates her story while tearing off her lab coat and rubbing her breasts at the viewer, explaining that a side effect of time travel is unbridled horniness. She discloses some gobbledey-gook about toxins in the cerebral cortex and identifies herself as a lust traveler, but fuck that, Miss Manners is totally a time humper. Miss Manners introduces us to a series of vignettes that detail the sexual adventures of the past and present, including some bikini-clad lesbian cave women who use volcanic mud as lube, some sexy aliens from the planet Quonatia, and a creepy suburban mom’s well-meaning birds-and-the-bees talk naturally resulting in lesbianism.

Spaceship Agga Ruter

Spaceship Agga ruter1998’s Spaceship Agga Ruter from Hentai studio Kitty Media is just the sort of childish free-for-all with just enough softcore eroticism that Crazy Eyes would love. Predictably, I had no idea what was going on, even with the subtitles. There’s a space pirate named Jannis, and she gets really excited about capturing a space ship, but it turns out there’s only two people on board: Kei, a sexy android, and Taiyo, the 18 year old boy that Kei raised and taught how to please ladies. It turns out that Taiyo, who’s really kind of a clueless, well-meaning doofus, is really good at sex, even though his technique is mostly just touching people’s boobs, but that’s really just par for the course for Japanese movies. Hentai usually just pisses me off, but Spaceship Agga Ruter manages to be fun without being totally degrading.

Killer Kleavage From Outer Space

killer kleavage from outer spaceI covered director Joanna Angel’s campy Killer Kleavage From Outer Space way back in March, but it’s definitely worth a second look for fans of The Time Hump Chronicles. Busty alien chicks? Check. Deadly body parts? Check. Goofy plot to save a planet from extinction? Check. Hardcore fucking? Check. A happy ending? Double check. This candy colored shout out to all things low-budget and sci-fi is perfect for fans who are dying to get something a little extra in their extraterrestrial. Join busty tattooed babe Jessie Lee on friends on their search for Earth’s perfect penis!

 

 

The Princess Has Come Of Age

the princess has come of ageIf you came here looking for sheer lunacy, look no further than 2005’s The Princess Has Come Of Age. With computer graphics that are significantly better than the PornoMation trilogy, this weird Italian shit delivers on all of the otherworldly fuckery that fans of The Time Hump Chronicles love. With minimal dialogue, it tells the story of a princess with a serious thigh gap in a galaxy far away who must choose a husband. The only criteria? The lucky groom must be able to satisfy all of her sexual desires. The suitors in question are David The Gnome’s well endowed  meth head cousin, a robot made out of body-safe materials, a daffodil with an ample bosom who really likes DP and bondage, a shiny mirror image of the princess who uses double ended dildos in zero gravity, and a suriname toad daddy who likes to watch while his phallic bat babies do all the work. I am absolutely showing The Princess Has Come Of Age to all of my friends, because this is the kind of fuckery than cannot be missed.

Will porn world release their own answer to The Time Hump Chronicles? God I hope so. I recommend bringing Faye Reagan out of retirement to play busty, freckled Edwina, alongside Christian XXX as Admiral Rodcocker, Tyler Nixon as the pure hearted Gilly. For the minor characters, I’d cast Dana DeArmond as Lilly Sprinkle, who pees on everyone, Carter Cruise as Sunflower, the mean one that you love to hate, and Dane Cross as the hot yet tragic Vaseline Man. But until porn land pulls through with The Time Hump Chronicles XXX, please enjoy my top picks!

Hot Reviews: Killer Kleavage From Outer Space

Killer Kleavage From Outer Space

Killer Kleavage from Outer Space marks the one hundredth-ish directorial offering from punk rock porn queen Joanna Angel. Starring Jessie Lee and Veronica Rose, as well as several of Joanna’s Burning Angels and five of our favorite studs, Killer Kleavage is a candy colored shout out to the campy sci-fi, B-movies that were watched in drive-in theaters of days gone by. The Star Wars style text scroll that opens the flick explains its farcical premise; the inhabitants of the all-female Planet Areola must travel to Earth to find the “perfect penis”, or else face extinction. Experimentation with an imperfect penis will cause the penis’ owner to be killed with deadly tit lasers. With the failure of Veronica Rose and Vyxen Steel to complete their mission, Jessie Lee is sent Earth to replace them because, well… she really likes cock.

Scene one opens with the original song “A Lay Un” from Angel’s band Joanna and the Gigolos, and Areolite leader Captain Sheridan Love sending a spunky, ditzy, and totally horny Jessie Lee on her mission to Earth. Jessie stops fellow alien Veronica Rose from entering the bar where Seth Gamble and his supposedly perfect penis work. The segments of plot in this flick are just enough to keep the action moving, but short enough that script’s self assuredly cheesy dialogue doesn’t wear out its welcome. Seth tells Jessie to “take a seat” and she gleefully responds, “how nice!” and picks up a barstool. The majority of the film’s humor rests on miscommunications between the alien and human life forms, as well as the bumbling cockiness of the guys who may or may not have perfect penises. Oh yeah, and they say the word “penis” a lot.

 

 

SCENE ONE

Killer Kleavage From Outer Space

Anyway, on to the fucking! Jessie and Seth are the first up with a pretty standard boy-girl scene in a dive bar. The camera is never really close enough that Seth is out of the frame, which I appreciated. I prefer porn that shows both performers as they fuck; call me an old romantic, but I want to be able to see how they interact as a whole, and I really liked being able to see that they were actually looking into each others’ eyes while Seth nailed Jessie’s pussy. And boy does Jessie look great! She’s so deliciously curvy, and her little space dress is designed so that her killer kleavage spills out. Overall, however; I wasn’t super impressed with this scene. It was hot and would certainly get me off, but overall I like something with a little… extra.

 

SCENE TWO

Sheridan Love
Captain Sheridan

Next up we travel back to Planet Areola for an other worldly lesbian tryst between Sheridan Love and Axis Evol, where we hear one of my favorite lines from the whole movie: “I wouldn’t know a perfect penis if it hyper-accelerated up my ass.” Both of these tattooed ladies have fantastic, all natural curves, and they complement each other well. I loved the crappy green screen effects that sometime caused their tattoos and arms to discolor to a funny purple. It felt so genuine to the low-budget B-movies that Killer Kleavage pays homage to.

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE 3

Veronica Rose killer kleavage
Veronica Rose

Scene three has Veronica Rose swiping through Tinder as she waits for a very confused Billy Bailey to show up at a bar. There’s even a cameo from Joanna Angel herself as an annoyed waitress (I hope Veronica leaves a huge tip; after all, she never buys anything, and then fucks Billy right there in a booth before murdering him with her tit-lasers). Veronica is the stand out comedienne of Killer Kleavage; her timing is spot on, and she has so many adorable miscommunications with humans. Not only that, but her scene with Bill is super hot! He seems over the moon at getting to play with her and her all natural curves. He hungrily eats her ass and rubs her clit before fucking her with his, sadly, imperfect penis. Despite his imperfection, Veronica cums several times before getting his (ehhh… lackluster?) cumshot to the face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE 4

Vyxen Steel
Vyxen Steel

Scene four finds FBI agents Michael Vegas and Mr. Pete engaged in a highly energetic poolside foursome with Veronica and Vyxen Steel. I always get excited to see Vegas in action; his mop of blond curls, new funny moustache, and sensitive demeanor is a refreshing change from the usual boys of porn. Mr. Pete is a consummate professional, as always. The lovely tattooed alien ladies really shine when put in a group setting, but Vyxen steals the show when she squirts all over Michael and gets DP’d later on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE 5

Jessie Lee
Jessie Lee

The real stand out moment in the fifth scene of Killer Kleavage, where Jessie Lee finally finds the perfect penis, belongs to none other than Tommy Pistol. Tommy is hilarious as a tin foil hat/underwear wearing, ET believing nut job who still lives with his exasperated parents. After he accidentally beams Jessie into his bedroom, Tommy bashfully concedes that he does have a very nice cock and that Jessie may probe him if she wants. As they get down to the main event, Jessie and Tommy stay in character, but they never detract from the sexiness of the proceedings. Don’t miss the laugh-out-loud moment when Tommy explains condoms to Jessie. Tommy eats out and fingers Jessie for ages, which I always love to see in my pornos; I think blow jobs are neato and all, but the ratio of beej-to-pussy eating is hardly ever as egalitarian as I would like to see. Not the case here! Tommy goes all out, and Jessie seems to love every second of it. The PIV fucking lives up to the tone set by the foreplay, with Jessie appropriately flushed and displaying much more chemistry with Tommy and she did with Seth. It was during this scene that I finally had to pause the movie and excuse myself. My roommate (because now I watch porn with my roommates, apparently) groaned in disappointment, having fallen in love with Tommy Pistol over the previous fifteen minutes.

So would I recommend Killer Kleavage From Outer Space to the discerning horny lover of all things human and/or extraterrestrial? Abso-fucking-lutely! If you’re into curvalicious tattooed babes having a blast and a few laughs while they’re doing the dirty, Joanna Angel’s Killer Kleavage proves to be an “Out of This World” addition to her already impressive oeuvre.

Top Five Tuesday – 2013 AVN Award Winners

It’s time to celebrate some of the most noteworthy 2013 AVN Award winners on Top Five Tuesday. Two of these films swept the awards, while I’m stoked about the three single recipients. Let’s have a fast and dirty recap to this porn party:


rocked the 2013 AVN Awards by earning 7 related awards, most notably the Movie of the Year Award. Congratulations Wasteland and Elegant Angel! In addition to Movie of the Year, Wasteland also won Best Drama and  took home the award for Best Actress.  Wasteland’s  won the awards for Best Director, Best Editing, and Best Screenplay. On top of that Wasteland also won for Best Cinematography. Frankly, I think they should have won an 8th award for that sex scene featuring those drool-worthy striped athletic tube socks.  Sadly, the AVN doesn’t hire me to give out my own awards.

Hot on Wasteland’s tail for most awards was , with a grand total of 6 related awards. Star Wars XXX took the won Best Parody-Comedy, Best Art Direction, and Best Overall Marketing Campaign-Individual Project‘s talents in Star Wars XXX earned him the Best Supporting Actor Award. And , who took home AVN’s 2013 Director of the Year award also earned Best Director-Parody, and the award Best Screenplay-Parody (with Mark Logan). I’ve yet to see the original porn-less Star Wars, but something tells me I’ll make it around to Star Wars XXX within the week. I’ll let you know. Maybe I do a compare/contrast essay on the porn vs. the classic sci-fi movie. (No, I won’t.)
Now, we already know that ’s performance in Elegant Angel‘s Gangbanged 4 is near and dear to my crooked, little sex heart, and I’m thrilled to note that this film won the Best Orgy/Gangbang Release! It was the first film I reviewed for HM4H, and I’m going to drink a toast to this one tonight. And maybe get off to it again.
Damn right to  for winning the Best Solo Sex Scene award for ! This lady knows how to have fun and I’m confident she was enjoying that solo wank scene as much as we were. I also love that while she starting the scene wearing sexy shoes, they weren’t over-the-top/fuck-me-harder-yeah-yeah-yeah sexy shoes. In other words, Joanna, hooray for not drilling yourself while wearing Lucite. I love you even more now.
And a hearty Hot Damn and Hell Yeah for taking the crown for Best Foot/Leg Fetish Release! is so captivating to watch and I love the shoes and stockings featured in this film. I love a good eyeful in a fetish film, and this one brings it home so hard. I’ve watched several scenes and I’m prepared to melt all over my computer chair. And I also have one big wet kiss for Arabelle Raphael’s juicy legs. 

Congrats to all the winners and every movie that was nominated!

-Janie Jones

2013 AVN Award Winners – Congratulations!!!

The Oscars of Porn, The 2013 AVN Awards, were this weekend, where a whole bunch of performers took home gold in a variety of categories.  While I don’t want to name every single winner here (it would literally take me until Wednesday night), I do want to send out love to all of the winners and wish everyone nominated a big congrats.

Here is a condensed list of winners.  For the full list, head over to AVN.com.

WINNERS!

Best Actor
Steven St. Croix, Torn, New Sensations Couples

Best Actress
Lily Carter, Wasteland, Elegant Angel Productions

Best Anal Sex Scene
Brooklyn Lee & Manuel Ferrara, , Jules Jordan Video

Best Boy/Girl Sex Scene
Alexis Ford, , Jules Jordan Video

Best Director – Feature
Graham Travis, , Elegant Angel Productions

Best Director – Non-Feature
Jules Jordan, , Jules Jordan Video

Best Director – Parody
, , Axel Braun/Vivid

Best Drama
, Elegant Angel Productions

Best Educational Release
, Belladonna/Evil Angel

Best Male Newcomer
Logan Pierce

Best New Starlet
Remy LaCroix

Best Solo Sex Scene
Joanna Angel, , BurningAngel/Vouyer

Best Supporting Actor
Tom Byron, , Axel Braun/Vivid

Best Supporting Actress
Capri Anderson, , Vivid Entertainment Group

Crossover Star of the Year
TIE: James Deen & Sunny Leone

Director of the Year (Body of Work)
Axel Braun

Female Performer of the Year
Asa Akira

Movie of the Year
, Elegant Angel Productions

Transsexual Performer of the Year
Vaniity

Unsung Male Performer of the Year
Mark Ashley

Unsung Starlet of the Year
Brandy Aniston

Again, for the full list, go to AVN.com.

Congrats again!

xoxo
-JD

Top Five Tuesday – 5 More 2013 AVN Noms!

A few weeks back Ginger Leigh added her top five nominees for the 2013 AVN Awards coming this weekend! This time around I wanted to add my own favorites to the mix.  Sure, we have crazy similar tastes, but I thought I’d offer up something a little different with 5 MORE 2013 AVN Noms!



(Best Educational Release) –
I am an academic perv and I have a total boner for all things educational and smutty, so of course I’d start this list with a Best Educational Release nominee.  I love pegging and I love , so it was an easy choice when it came to picking which one I wanted to kick off the list.  And really, this flick features Dylan Ryan, Wolf Hudson, Jiz Lee and more… did I really have all that much of a choice.  Yum!

( Best Wall-to-Wall Release, Best Makeup, Best Music Soundtrack) – While most of ‘s new movies are up for AVN Awards in 2013, and they are all awesome, this retro-flavored fuck fest is my favorite of the bunch.  The costumes, styling and backgrounds made the sex even hotter for me – and Burning Angel Entertainment brings super sexy smut to the screen every time, so clearly this time I was on fire.
(Best Transsexual Sex Scene,
Best Transsexual Release)-
 I’ve been singing the praises of this movie since we added it to the site a few months ago.  It’s really the first awesome, sex-positive, mainstream porno featuring trans women that is both romantic and well written.  How exciting!  I have such a big heart on for Trans Romantic and seriously cannot wait until we get more in from them.  Major high fives to director .
(Best 3D Release, Best Parody – Drama, Best Special Effects) – I was totally anti 3-D porno until I put on my blue and red 3-D glasses and sat down with This Ain’t Jaws XXX, which offers up both in-your-face fucking and a giant shark chomping right into you.  Yep, it was the shark that changed my mind.  I will say that I never experienced the cum shot to the face that I hoped for with a 3-D movie, but I can forgo that for Jaws.  
Belladonna's How To Fuck
Belladonna’s How To Fuck (Best Educational Release) –
And I’m ending this list the same way Ginger did, with the magical Belladonna bringing up the back.  It’s not exactly an instructional porn, but way more than just some dirty fuck fest and full to the hilt with Belladonna’s signature awesomeness.  I really don’t know what else to say other than Belladonna could sit around and watch paint dry and I would watch every second.

Congrats to everyone and every movie that was nominated!

xoxo
-JD