James Deen

Welcome to our “Inside the Brain of a Porn Reviewer” Thursday post! These are stream of consciousness movie reviews that include all the weird comments I usually write down when I review, but drop by the time the post is ready to publish for all to see.

I know I can’t be the only one that’s excited that someone finally turned “Friends” into a porno spoof. I mean come on, the show was basically set up to be a porno without the sexin’! So many hook ups! Plus a window with a view of naked people in their apartments! Ok, fine, it was one ugly naked guy, but still, that beats the view that most New Yorkers get – the side of the building next door. Anyway, I’m excited so let’s get to it!

This week’s movie:

Friends – A XXX Parody Disc 1

The Scene:


Scene 4

Basic Idea (so you know what’s going on):
Remember that that show from the ’90s?  The one with all the friends sitting around a coffee shop?  Now add a bunch of raunchy sex and you’ve got it.

Or as the boxcover reads:
“Hilarity and deep penetration ensues when Freebie accidentally spills the beans about Monica’s bachelorette party, leading the boys to decide to throw a bigger and raunchier bachelor party. Finally, the show you always wanted to see naked… FRIENDS: A XXX PARODY is here!”

- The opening is AMAZING. I love the song! Gotta love the fountain dancing!

- Ok, I’m moving to Scene 4… I just really wanted to see the opening.
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Studio: Vivid Premium Category: PLOT ORIENTED -> Humor

Bring on the funny! My last few reviews all had pretty heavy subject matter, and though “Taboo” ended up having me rolling in the aisles, it also had me ready to pick a fight. So I was definitely in the mood for something a little lighter. With three AVN award nominations, “Stood Up” looked like it might actually hit the spot.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. The sex scenes were pretty long, giving plenty of time for all the staples: oral - both a blow job and cunnilingus, as well as at least three position changes, probably anal in one form or other and a little dirty talk during the pounding prior to that all important cum shot. I must commend the sex scenes in “Stood Up” for their efforts in one particular area – “Stood Up” does have a lot of hot male performers doing the pounding. Tommy Gunn, Evan Stone and everyone’s current golden boy James Deen are just some of the hotties that put this film high on the female friendly eye candy side of the spectrum. It is still a film made with more of a male audience in mind than a female one, so we’re treated to lots of female writhing and moaning and only really get to see the torsos of these hot men instead of their faces.

Plot, my love, where are you? Some women go for looks, others go for brains and if the performers are the looks of a movie, then its plot is its sweet juicy succulent brain. Nearly one hour in and I’ve only got the tiniest hint of a plot - aging comedian tells tale to doting fan about his life in the comedy business. That really was the entire plot I got after watching “Stood Up” for over an hour, but I got two sex scenes and one of them a threesome that would have been so much hotter if they were more than just fucking bits on my screen though. Then it hits, a wonderful acting performance followed promptly by James Deen taking his clothes off.

Ok, I admit it – throw a naked James Deen into a scene with a natural breasted, natural brunette and my only apparent response is happy drooling. He’s not even my type, but man is he fun to watch fuck. Plus the female performer James was paired with gave really amazing performance moments before the actual sexing started, definitely my favorite scene in “Stood Up.”

Ok, so all in all “Stood Up” is about two and a half hours long. Ninety percent of that time is taken up with some rather acrobatic sex scenes (there’s this one in a tiny trailer that should win an Olympic Gymnastics award.) Though I think James Deen’s scene was by far and away the best, most of the scenes had their own O potential. On the sex I can barely fault it, on the comedy and plot it left a lot to be desired. “Stood Up” will probably get you off but I wouldn’t expect it to entertain you in any other way.

-FrzKey

Watch “Stood Up” Now!

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Photo via Vice

Happy Humpday!  Welcome back to the mid-week stretch.  This week is a short one for most of us, with July 4th coming up on Saturday.  I love me a holiday that only requires eating BBQ and laying on the grass to watch pretty light bursts in the sky.  Oh, and Sheryl Crow, if you’re in Philly.  Having Friday off just sweetens the deal.  Sadly though, not everyone has a three day weekend.  For all you unfortunate folks, this link love is dedicated to you.  I hope it gets you through til the fireworks!

Let’s get to it!

- Vice Mag’s Conor Creighton takes us along on his tour of sex toy maker Fun Factory’s, well, fun factory in North Germany.  Check out the super neat picture (including the one above, the cool quotes and a insider look at the birthplace of some of the best toys out there! (via LizLangely, via WorldSexNews)

- Speaking of sex toys, the first academic, peer-reviewed study of vibrator use has found that you are almost just as likely to find a vibrator in an American household as you are to find a toaster or coffee maker!  (via HeartlessDoll)

- Another study has discovered that more sex can actually help a man with fertility problems.  My favorite part of the article is the aptly stated “If you want to have a baby, our advice is to do it often.” (via TheFrisky)

- Only one more study, I promise.  Researchers have found that women are happiest and have the best sex right before they turn 30.  I guess that would be considered the silver lining of getting closer to the big 3-0, huh?  (via Sunfiltered)
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that sometimes porn stars are real people!

Obviously, being the 2009 AVN Male Performer of the Year hasn’t gone to James Deen’s head. I couldn’t resist reposting this image from Joanna Angel’s website. It’s pretty obvious why she’s smitten with this dude.

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This past weekend the 2009 AVN Awards took over Las Vegas to celebrate the best of what porno has to offer.  Basically the Academy Awards of adult, the AVNs are a big damn deal and everyone involved and nominated gets pretty freaking excited. We here at HM4her have been getting ready for the awards by reviewing noms all last week and generally getting pumped for everyone who recieved a nod.

Anyway, a bunch of our favorite sexy folks won and congratulations are desevered all around. 

Since there are a whopping 125+ different categories that recieved awards, I’m only going to shout out a few of our favorites that won the covented golden guy… um, I mean square glass trophy thing.

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One thing that the adult world is sorely lacking is Hanukkah porn.  Seriously, type “Christmas” into the search box on this site and a ton of movies pop up.  Try that with the festival of lights and all you get is a big fat nothing.  Not that it’s our fault, by any means, for some reason no one wants to get down and dirty with a dreidel.  No one one, that is, except my favorite Jewish porno goddess, Miss Joanna Angel. 

Raised in a orthodox household, this chosen chick lets everyone know about her love of lighting her menorah.  So instead of getting ready for the holiday by talking about my favorite Hanukkah fuck flicks (which amount to a whopping zero), I decided to give some love to Joanna, the one who melts my gelt and sizzles my latkes.

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I recently did a survey of all of the lesbians in my office to come up with a list of the top five hetero porn stars dykes love. It was incredibly scientific, so I won’t go into the details, but let me assure you that this list represents all lady lovin’ ladies. OK, so really this is just a bunch of dudes that I like to watch fuck – but in this day and age anyone who has a blog is an expert, so this is an expert’s opinion! Thank you internet.

Even though I don’t want to do it with boys, I like good old fashion straight porn as much the next guy. I know I can always count on these five men for a great scene, plus I’m pretty sure they’d all be cool to drink beer with.

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Studio: Adam & Eve Category: For Women By Women

Here we go again, checking out our girl Joanna Angel’s hilariously dead-on porno spoof. This week we’re up to scene two, an anal romp staring Pixie Pearl as the obnoxious porn star and James Deen as the cable guy who’s filling in for the perpetually late and charmingly dim Tommy Pistol. I literally laughed out loud as Pixie stares blankly into the camera, then to Joanna and mutters “what’s my next line?,” then after Joanna feeds her the simple phrase, gets it wrong anyway. Not that it matters, because the reverse cowgirl and doggie style butt-fucking and clit rubbing about to ensue makes up for all the purposely lame-o dialogue they could possibly dish out. I love how flushed Pixie P gets as she takes all James Deen has to offer up her ass. But the best by far is when Tommy comes in at the end, all hurried and babbling excuses and some guy randomly tasers him. I’m not even sure if it’s real or part of the script, but it pretty much made my experience – teenage boy Jackass style.

Scene two was pretty good, but I accidentally caught a few minutes of scene three as I was finishing up, and holy hot, you guys are in for a treat next week!

-J.D. Bauchery

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Studio: VCA Category: Goth/Punk

I’d totally be an evil villain if that meant that Joanna’s Angels would come after me. Sure, it’d be to kick my ass, but really, does that matter? I’ve got a total weakness for inked chicks, so watching a girl with tattooed knuckles finger an asshole might be the hottest thing I’ve seen in a while. Not to say that Joanna’s double penetration with Tommy Pistol and James Deen in scene 8 is anything but impressive, but I’d expect nothing less from someone as awesomely tough as Miss Angel herself. So, whether she’s kicking my ass or bustin’ out the “magic handjob,” count me in.

-J.D. Bauchery

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Watch the Video

Studio: Shane’s World Studios Category: By Women

I love nerds. I am a nerd. In college, you would find me in the theatre until all hours, or watching my friends DnD. Therefore, the second I saw this movie, I had to watch it. I’m still not quite sure how the first scene fits into the video, but it wasn’t at all what I was looking for. Luckily, it picked up right after that, nerdy boys and all – hurray! I knew it was a true nerd movie when the Darth Vader helmet came out. It’s a fun, laid back film about a couple of nerdy, horny and desperate college guys who have no goals in life other to get a good fuck or two, and the film follows their ludicrous exploits in this direction. It offers humor (and a few jokes mocking the anti-sex right wing), and some well-known stars such as James Deen, Hillary Scott, and Katsumi. A fun film, maybe even worth viewing with friends. Yay nerd porn!
-Essin’ Em

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