Since today is Friday the 13th, you really do need to take a look at this awesome horror flick parody porn. I mean really people, they make Camp Crystal Lake into a nudist retreat. Can you beat that? Not likely.

And while you’re at it, check out the other Friday the 13th pornos we have too!

I think I actually squealed the first time I heard about this awesome porno parody. I’ve been a total Human Centipede follower since I first found out about it last year and obviously saw it the minute I could convince friends to watch with me (I don’t do horror alone). I am a big fan of both the concept and execution, which isn’t always easy when it comes to a new, unheard of scary story plot line. Basically, the quick story is: a mad doctor gathers three tourists (two American women and one Japanese guy) and sews them together by the digestive system to create a human centipede. Pretty fucked up/awesome horror movie idea, right? Now onward to the porno!

Pornofied, this story is less scary sewing together folks and more an insatiably horny trio that are jumping at the chance to get linked up – mouth to genitals – to form a creature of ultimate sexual enjoyment. At first it seems like all of this is against their will, but we soon find out that this is exactly what each of these super sexy folks want! And there is nothing scary about that!

Now, I’m not gonna lie, the fucking in this flick is nothing super special to me. Don’t get me wrong – it’s really hot, but not too different than all the other mainstream movies out there. The same oral, intercourse, cum on my chest business for all five of the fuck scenes. The shining part of this flick is totally the “mad sex educator,” Tom Byron. His one-liners are fucking hilarious and he does an awesome job of being the good doctor. He does pretty good work of screwing Amber Rayne as well, while we’re talking about his attributes. If you’re on the fence about watching this movie, do it for Byron’s part – you won’t be sorry.

Fans of parody, horror, pop culture and/or quality porn will love this movie. And really, if you don’t fall into one of those categories, we don’t want to know you anyway. See, one liners are the best!

Happy Halloween week!  I am so excited for this first horror porn review of the year!

Alright, I’m gonna cut to the chase with this one. I’m not even totally sure if I would call this movie porn really. It’s more of a softcore sexy flick with tons of naked lady flesh, but not one cock shot to spare. In fact, I don’t think the dudes even take their shirts off at all. But what this movie lacks in sexy quota, it totally makes up in blood, guts and gore, which for me is a completely valid exchange. Of course I wish it had both, but who’s going to complain when they get to see naked chicks pulling the guts out of a living guy? Not me!

Another cut to the chase moment – if you’re looking for a quick suck, fuck and get off, this is not the movie for you. I mean, we don’t even see any sexin’ til nearly 40 minutes in, but holy crap, once we see that sex, the action really begins. And I don’t even mean humping action – I mean gory, blood-filled, face ripping off action! Seriously – this woman as her fingers inside this guy’s face. She is literally fingering his face! Yeah, I got way more excited about that than the sex, but I’m not a horror movie nut for nothing!

I’ll be the first to admit I really have no freaking clue what was going on in this movie, and even after watching the whole thing, I am still completely lost. All I figured out is that there are a bunch of demon girls living in this old house that this paranormal crew is investigating and they lure the guys to fuck them, then rip out their guts and use their bodies in some ritual. Oh and they also roll on the ground naked and squirm around in bloody innards – need I say more. If you’re looking for a sex fuck flick, keep moving, but if it’s really cheesy horror with more blood and gore than you can shake a dismembered limb at, you’ve come to the right place.

Alright, I was sicko out of almost everyone I know that truly liked The Human Centipede.  Yep, I’m talkin’ about that screwed up horror flick about a crazy German doctor attaching three people by their digestive tracks.  What can I say? I love me an inventive horror plot!

So, when I heard that porno was taking on the awesomeness that is The Human Centipede, I was so freaking in you wouldn’t believe it.  And look what I found today – the trailer!

So here it is in all it’s glory – The Human Sexipede!

I am seriously in my happy place right now.  And yes, I know what that says about me…

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

Our beloved Belladonna is branching out from porn to drop in on a different genre – horror!

That’s right, Bella has signed on to be a part of the film Stripped, a  horror flick about to brothers and a friend going out on a birthday adventure which turns gruesome after they become trapped in a house with a “family” of malevolent women.

Sounds pretty intense/awesome, right?  I can not wait to see what kind of character Belladonna ends up playing.  I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she is one of the villains.  It just seems so much hotter!



Writers Justina Walford and John Wildman couldn’t be more excited either.

We could not be more excited to have Michelle [Belladonna] be a part of this project. She was someone that Justina and I had in mind as a dream choice for this role from the moment we began thinking about casting. She has an innate openness and warmth that you can’t help but be drawn to. It will be a thrill to introduce her to a whole new audience and re-introduce her to Belladonna’s legion of loyal fans.

So ready to get Stripped!

(via Fleshbot)

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

Studio: Television X Category: Features

At this point in my life, I don’t think I’d be that impressed if real zombies started roaming the world… unless they were porno zombies that were looking to eat cock/pussy instead of brains. Ok fine, they can still crave brains, but I definitely need to see some fucking first. A sexy bits appetizer, if you will. Bone appétit! I think this means that I’ve officially watched way too much zombie porn this season, but really, is there such a thing as too much zombie porn? I think not… especially since Halloween is tomorrow!

Since we’re on the topic, let’s talk about a little zombie porn etiquette 101. Just because you call your movie “zombie porn” doesn’t actually make it so. First off, I want to see my zombie action in the proper venues. Zombies don’t fuck in bedrooms – definitely not ones with tacky bedspreads and awful motel art. They get busy in graveyards, abandon houses and basements. Anywhere dirty and creepy. I’m really glad that Zombie Nation keeps it real and has their undead pervs screwing in the correct places. These zombies even screw in an abandoned church! If that’s not the most fitting thing ever, I don’t know what is (I won’t go into the whole Jesus was a zombie thing – I’ll just say that he rose from the dead. I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.).

Secondly, if I’m watching zombie porn, those fuckers need to look like the pale, grotesque undead that they are. I need ashen skin with green tints and mangled, holey clothes… well at least until they take them off. I love love love that this flick actually shows the zombies coming right out of the ground. With dirt on their clothes and all! And even their scantily clad zombies in stripper heels look like they’ve actually been resting in peace. See, you can be returning from six feet under and still be sexy!

And lastly, to keep me happy and horny, those zombies better be moving like a zombie would! When it comes to the sex, I want them to be fucking like a rock star, but when they walk, it better be shaky and look like they are desperately seeking brains. Yeah, I know there was a trend a few years back to make zombies all fast and shit, but that is so not the fodder of a true zombie enthusiast… especially not a zombie porn lover.

Nope, my creatures of the night better be walking like newborn puppies – all stumbles and disorientation. I mean really, you don’t rise from the netherworld and saunter around. It’s just not natural. Again, Zombie Nation passes with flying colors. These folks walk like the geriatric – just like they should! And they fuck like athletes! At this point, I don’t even really need to go into details of the sex – it’s all awesome.

If you watch one zombie fuck flick this Halloween season (or any time really) this is the one. Well, this or Re-Penetrator, but you already knew that. Happy Halloween!

-J.D. Bauchery

Watch “Zombie Nation” Now!

Studio: Vidway Category: Fantasy & Supernatural

It took me a while to pick this movie out of the bunch to review for today. Halloween reviews are some of my favorite of the year, and I wanted to be sure I was choosing something especially scary/amazing. I literally stopped and started 4 or 5 movies because they just weren’t right. I mean really, there was one that didn’t get down and dirty until 30 minutes in. While that’s usually fine, this important review needs a little something more. Something like Queen of the Porno Zombies! Seriously, this movie could a video of anything with a name as awesome as that! And we get Heather Hunter, a big-haired beauty with a body made for porno thrills… porno zombie thrills, that is. This is win-win all around!

After a Frankenstein-esque experience of accidentally getting zapped while watching a mad scientist zap another woman, med student Hunter becomes a sex machine, looking to get busy wherever she can. Though Hunter isn’t the best of actresses, she’s pretty hot in a totally mid-90s porno way, which is what makes it for me. Plus, her scenes are full of lots of close-ups, which I like… and which masks the awful ‘90s sets. Good job killing those two birds.

I think my favorite scene of this flick has to be scene 4, where Hunter is fucking the other zapped woman. Holy big hair humping! You can barely see their tits under all that hair! Must have been all that electricity in that zapping!

I love that this movie randomly goes back and forth into stock horror movie footage. It breaks up the scenes and keeps the non-sexin’ parts interesting and fun. I honestly might have cut the bad ‘90s techno music, but hey, I guess I can’t have it all, right.

I’ll admit that there was nothing scary or particular zombie-ish about this movie, which was definitely a disappointment, but really, how disappointed can you be when there is hot sex involved?  And as I said above, the name was really what got me in the door, and I’m stickin’ to it!  As long as I got naked folks gettin’ it on, It’s smooth sailing.  No gore I can deal with, but when there is no sex – that’s when I flip the channel.

-J.D. Bauchery

Watch “FrankenHunter – Queen Of The Porno Zombies” Now!

This month’s Top Fives are all about everything undead and totally gruesome. So, what better to get ready for the scariest day of the year (no, not April 15th, though that is pretty horrifying) than continuing the tradition with a few wickedly sexy witches? 

Double, double, toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble. Double, double, toil and trouble, something wicked this way comes.

Those witches must have caught a sneak peek at this list!

Katsumi At The School Of Witches: French witches fucking for nearly three hours. Hot sorcières? Je suis vendu!

The Coven: Porn goddess Janine needs a personal sex slave for her sexy witch coven? Where do I sign up?!?

Club Satan – The Witches Sabbath:Extreme 2.0 bring us an actual satanic black mass full of sexual deviance and taboo. I get chills just reading the description!

The Witches of Sappho Salon:Sexy lesbo witches open a trendy hair salon in NYC, which they use to prey on young virgins. Sounds like the premise of a really gruesome new reality show. Want to watch!

The Witchfinder: “The Crucible,” but way better. Authur Miller never imagined how great this story would be if he added bondage, whips and some femdom action!

Hope I got your cauldrons boiling over!

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

ps. I know this is a day late, but it’s definitely not a dollar short!  Enjoy!

Vampires are all over the place these days.  From Tru Blood  to all the Twilight uproar, these creatures of the night have totally taken center stage in the realm of the undead and, in my opinion, are kicking zombies to the curb.  Sure, I could be bias.  Right now I am in the middle of editing this gay teen vampire love story (gotta love random freelance projects), so I’ve been  pretty much inundated with these bloodsuckers day in and out.  And to back my vamp lovin’ up even farther, I found a list of vampire porns on the internet.  See – everybody loves a Nosferatu.

Inspired by all that, plus the fact that it is the haunting month, I’ve decided to bring you my top five vampire porns!  Get ready to get your suck on!

Muffy The Vampire Slayer: Just the fact that someone went with this awesome spoof idea makes me so totally happy. Sometimes you just need to go for the obvious, and a lesbian vampire hunter named Muffy is so right on target.

Vambires: Hello, it’s called Vambires! How could I pass this one up? Plus I always like to include a little bi action when I can.

Daughters Of Darkness: The box cover might not be much to look at, but the actual action is super hot. It’s like fetish porn and vampires were created to go hand in hand.

il Vampirla… (The Vampire): This choice was all about the box cover. Click on the link to check it out bigger and you’ll understand my reasoning. Oh, and the sex was a total bonus.

Female Fantasies, Scene 2: A high quality horror romp chock full of hot lady Vamps goin’ at it all over the place. A total win-win for porno/horror fans!

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

Studio: Loaded Digital Category: Fantasy & Supernatural

Yay its Halloween! Ok – not quite yet it isn’t, but it is October and as I’m a girl who loves absolutely everything that goes with the month of October, from the chill in the air down to that extra special scare. I thought I’d kick this month’s reviews off with a subject near and dear to everyone’s heart this year – zombies! Hopefully “Porn of the Dead” will scare you right out of your pants and straight into a willing partner’s arms.

Ok, the opener is certainly creepy enough to do most horror movies good credit (and I’m totally in love with the back cover art). It seems there’s an illness going around that turns the skin black and makes people bleed out of strange places. An erstwhile hero picks one of these infected people up, sticks them in a car, takes them home and then strangles them to death in a pit. All apparently so he can perform some kind of experiments on the body. Of course she comes back to life with an appetite – for cock. This is both horribly corny and awesome all at the same time.

The sex is rough and sloppy and at some point one realizes that they cheaped out on the body paint because it comes off in every scene. Unless sex is supposed to symbolize some amazing mystical cure that can both raise the dead and heal the sick (I wish! I’d never get out of bed, why bother?). But wait – did she just bite his dick off? Well, there goes the cure theory. Makes me more than a little nervous for the pretty blond in the next scene who wakes up to find a zombie eating her out. Apparently zombies are really big on anal (but not into that whole guy on guy anal thing as male zombies automatically kill any men they encounter) and for some reason, some of them are green. I do like the “reanimate the dead with oral” scene – though I really don’t recommend trying that one at home folks!

Ok I’ve got to give the movie half a dozen bonus points for the cool beginning and the hot tatted man in the second to last scene alone. Actually all of the scenes had elements of horror, interest and intriguing unique qualities that made this a pretty fun film to watch. They didn’t quite string together into a cohesive whole, except by theme makeup alone, but was still a pretty fantastic fantasy, in my book and I’d highly recommend “Porn of the Dead” to any horror fans looking for a little more sex with their gore… but if you can’t stand the site of fake blood or some scary scenes, it’s probably not for you.

-FrzKey

Watch “Porn Of The Dead” Now!