Happy Humpday!  Welcome back to the mid-week stretch.  Well, here we are again, returning to that last full five day work week before those two shortened final weeks of the year.  Yep, all we need to do is get through this week, then we are in the clear for smooth sailing towards the holiday breaks!  But that means the holidays are coming near and everything needs to be ready! Oy! Sure, Hanukkah is already more than half over, but for this Jew, a gift isn’t late for the holidays until January 1st, so I’m still chugging along on the old craft wagon.

Anyway, I digress (ooh look, something shiny!).  So, yes, it’s the last long week of stress before the short week of scrambling to get stocking stuffers and extra gift wrap.  So, let’s take a relaxing Humpday break to sit back, chill out and find out all the sexy news that’s fit to print!

Let’s get to it!

- Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” gets a “poke her face” update with a bizarrely awesome penis face portrait (pictured).

- And speaking of dicks, this is the ultimate fucking bed.  It’s totally where the magic happens.

- A Nevada brothel owner is bringing something new to the oldest profession in the world.  She hopes to open the first legal male prostitution house in the United States, now that STI testing laws have changed.  I guess Field of Dreams was right… if you build it, they will definitely cum. (via Jezebel)

- The same-sex marriage bill passed in Washington D.C.!!!  Woohoo!

- In other legal/political news,  while New York did not pass their same-sex marriage bill, the state did sign an executive order today that includes transgender folks in nondiscrimination laws for the state!  Hurray!  (via VelvetPark)

- Sexy smart cookie, Jiz Lee, has been busy doing all sorts of interviews recently, including a bunch with students.  And since these students are doing projects that include queer sex and porn and all that awesome stuff, Jiz has decided to let us in on what the future academics have to say, posting the finished papers on their blog. Nerd pervs everywhere grin and push their glasses back up their noses.  I just did.

And lastly, I’m not sure if this is real.  On one hand, I really want it to be, but on the other, I can’t imagine that anyone would let this product slide by…  so what am I talking about?

Check out the site and decide for yourself.  (via The Frisky)

Hope this gets you through til the weekend!

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

For maximum handjob potential. Good old “dynamic inertia.”

(via BuzzFeed)

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

Some video games are all about cocking your weapon.  This includes the new Resident Evil (#5, I think) with zombie killer Chris Redfield.  Other games are just all about the cock.  Like the one picture above, which has taken Chris Redfield and comic-ized his CG self and tied him up, all for our enjoyment.  That’s right all you gamers out there, The Humplex has created a game that’s only objective is to make this man cum.  Just move your mouse over his wang, from balls to shaft and watch the Cum Bar fill up, getting him closer and closer to your win!

I knew someday I’d find a game I liked more than Super Mario Brothers (and maybe even more than this)!

(via Fleshbot)

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

Intercourse and handjobs are like chocolate ice cream and strawberry ice cream – they are both equally tasty and fun, and you don’t have to partake in just one, or both. In fact, you can have two scoops, or just a lick of each. Sex is the same way. While it’s become the norm to think of sex as a linear event (ie. first base, then second base, third, and onward to the home run), in reality, there is no right or wrong way to fuck. And just because handjobs are foreplay to some folks, it doesn’t mean a good handjob can’t take you all the way home and beyond.

To get my point across loud and clear, I am putting a moratorium on the idea of foreplay. I am of the firm belief that anything that traditionally comes before intercourse is perfectly capable of standing on its own. And though we may play that way and then go to intercourse, there should be no prescribed agenda or script to follow. In honor of giving the big F.U. to anyone telling anyone else how to have sex, I am offering up a two-part Sex Tips that deal directly with our five fingered friends, our hands!

First up I’m giving the guys some love… well, them and the sexy strapped on gals. I’m talkin’ bout man-handling the manbits, stroking the sausage, wankin’ the weiner – basically how to give the best of the best handjob around. Next week you guys get a little lady bit lovin’!

Ok, let’s start with the most important – the most essential – part of a good handjob. Lube. Unlike some orifices, a hand is not self lubricating, so to get things running nice and smoothly, getting slippery is of major importance. Sure, you can spit on your hand a few times to get the ball rolling, but really, nothing works as well as a good silicone or water-based lube. I’d try out a silicone lube first, since water-based lubes tend to dry out fast, and most likely you are not using any silicone toys which could be damaged by silicone lube. If you are using a silicone cock ring for enhanced sensation, stick with the water-based lubes, though know you may need to reapply. Realistically, spit will do in a pinch, but know that’s like eating a Mickey D’s burger instead of the filet mignon.

Once you’ve got the lube situation under control, on to handling the goods! As we know, the most sensitive part of the penis is the glans, or the head, so that’s where most of the action should be. The traditional handjob technique is to make a “c” with your thumb and all four fingers of your dominant hand and to put it around his cock, thumb side up. Then tighten your fist around his dick to a snug but not too tight (ask him!) grip. With hand on bird, the basic motion is to run your hand up and down the length of his penis, paying special attention to the head of his cock – all the while maintaining your grip. Up and down, repeat, orgasm. Voila! Handjob accomplished!

Treat your partner to a super special thrill with few of these extra titillating handjob tips:

-Twist and hear him shout (in pleasure). While you are running your fist along his shaft, make a twisting motion with your wrist and send your grip up and down his cock almost like a barber shop pole. The different sensations on his penis will make him melt.

- Vary the tightness of your grip on his cock. See what makes him moan the most.

- Make sure to include his balls in the fun. Cup them with your free hand and massage them, starting gently, then applying more pressure as you go. He will definitely let you know if it’s too hard.

- Also take advantage of his perineum, the spot between his balls and anus. Touching it lightly and massaging it can give you access to his prostate (or male g-spot) externally. Hit this hot spot just as he cums for a totally heightened orgasm.

- Get in on the action and make this man handling a naked event. Shed your late fall layers and show a little skin to help get him revved up as you get to work. Don’t be afraid to climb atop him even and finish the job while facing his feet. Everyone appreciates a nice view!

- Don’t be afraid to add a little blowjob lovin’ to the mix if your hand gets tired. Or just add a little head sucking to enhance your phalangeal skills.

- Try keeping your fist just around his head and forgoing too far down the shaft. Squeeze his glans as you pull away from the shaft, easing up on the return.

- Use both hands. Interlock your fingers, sandwiching his cock in-between and go up and down his shaft in a twisting motion.

- Try holding his dick with your grip thumb side down. This can be super hot for him because the tightest part of your grip is between your thumb and index finger.

- While using one hand to stroke his shaft, open your other hand and rub the head of his cock with your flattened palm. Just make sure to use lots of lube!

- To simulate penetration, slide your grip down his cock and alternate one hand after the other as you get to the base. Do this in a continuous motion so there is always downward stimulation.

There you go, a whole host of hot handjob tips to get your guy going.

And don’t think you can’t give an awesome handjob to a strapped on cock. It may not have the same sensations as a real deal dick, but the biggest sex organ we have is the brain, so trust me, there is plenty of hot hand action to have on a silicone schlong. That and a dildo base that perfectly targets the clit when the dick is moved around. Hot!

Remember, everyone likes something different, so be sure to ask what turns your partner on the most!

Happy handling!

J.D. Bauchery

Check out some other handy tips with Penny Flame’s Expert Guide To Hand Jobs For Men & Women:

Watch the Video

Studio: Vivid Ed Category: Instructional

 Penny Flame may be the most adorably sexy porn star I’ve ever seen. I want to hang out with her and bake cookies just as much as I’d like to lay her down and give her a handjob of her own. While the actual info about handjobs in this instructional flick is awesome and extremely thorough, Flame is what really makes the movie with her entertaining while she informs approach. Both her instructions and demonstrations are pumped full of flirty fun, on-point tips and useful ideas – not to mention the wet pussies and rock hard cocks – and easy to both understand and enjoy.

I will say I would have liked if the little Penny Flame pop ups were a farther and fewer between, but I’ll admit that the pointers popping up were interesting and good to know. All in all, I am consistently impressed with (and worked up by) Vivid Ed’s instructional offerings and this Penny Flame addition only strengthens (and hardens) my love for their awesomely engaging and totally hot way of dispersing sexy knowledge.

-J.D. Bauchery