Happy Fucking Halloween!! The day is finally here! And as a special treat I decided that I would review a dirty version of one of my favorite Halloween movies – Hocus Pocus! Because who wouldn’t want a porno parody of a classic Disney movie featuring Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker? I know I do! C’mon, a porn version of a Bette Midler movie? They even got curly redhead Audrey Hollander to play the lead role. I love when these spoofs make the effort to capture those special details.
Backing up Hollander in this flick are the super hot Nikki Benz and Eva Angelina. The three of them make up the Sampson sisters, a trio who are believed to be witches who gain their powers from having hot lesbian sex. And they must, because at only one minute into the movie, we are already thrown into a delicious brew of lady sexin’. It’s supposed to be 1692, and while the apparel (what I am choosing to call the strings and scraps of fabric they are wearing) is not quite year appropriate; they at least try with classic-looking furniture and candles. Apparently after this the sisters were killed for being suspected witches.
Skip to present day when Amia Miley and McKenzee Miles are working at the Sampson sisters’ house, which is now a museum that is said to be haunted. Not only does the house haunt visitors into doing crazy sex acts, legend says if you have Halloween sex on the bed in the room that the sisters died in, they will come back to life. And of course, while setting up for the annual Halloween party, Amia, McKenzee and Michael Pacino end up doing just that!
Now that the Sampson sisters are back, they must find a virgin to fuck to come back for good. While each of them find a hot young thing to screw, it’s actually the museum’s creator (Krissy Lynn) that gets to fuck a virgin and help the sisters come back for good. Thank goodness for the ones that wait, right? All in all, a decent parody full of hot fucking and a few of the original movie’s shining moment. Nice work Cezar Capone. Happy Halloweeeeeeen!
Happy Halloween! How much do you love this amazing Dylan Ryan and April Flores pumpkin that J.D. carved from the depths of her pervy craft magic? I bet you never thought a pumpkin could get you all ansty in your pantsy. It’s happening!
For this special Monday Mixtape Rewind, we’re happy to present you with Pan’s People and their little dance ditty to the Monster Mash. It isn’t Halloween without a little Monster Mash in your life! The ballerina bat and tango mummy make this more awesome than you ever could have imagined! Thanks, Dangerous Minds.
I am beginning to think that themed dildos are my favorite sex toys. That goes double for monster-themed dildos, and obviously I was in some serious heaven when a package from the good folks at Fleshlight landed on our stoop, packed to the gills with an amazing assortment of Freak cocks. Included in that magical box was the biggest and most grotesque of them all… Frankenstein. And because I am a greedy little size queen, I lunged for Frank and used him to beat off all of the other reviewers.
Measuring in at a whopping 10.5 inches (8.75” insertable), this ghastly green monster dick is the epitome of everything I would want in Frankenstein’s cock. First, it is all stitched together looking and features two bolts coming out of the sides. There are even a few screw heads molded in to make it look extra pieced together. And even though it is all thrown together looking (like Frankenstein himself), it still looks very much like a cock, with a defined glans, shaft and big balls. All in all, this thing is seriously beautiful, and I plan to keep it out on a shelf to admire. You know, when it’s not stuffed inside me, or my loved ones.
And when I say stuffed, I mean STUFFED. This big guy is huge. Long, yes, but also fairly girthy (shaft is 6.75”!!), so Frank fills you up! I certainly couldn’t take it more than halfway into my vag, even fully aroused – and I can usually take a good amount. I will say that I love the way the staple sutures and other decorative touches did a second duty of stimulating the walls of my pussy. Nice work with the functional touches, Fleshlight.
Logistically speaking, this toy is fantastic. Frank is made of the highest quality, platinum cured silicone, which means it is super body safe, sturdy and easy to both clean and sterilize (which means you can share this giant fucker with friends!). You just don’t want to use silicone lube with him, since it will melt his silicone and turn the whole thing into the bad mind of vileness.
Be it Halloween or any other time of year, Frankenstein most definitely has a place in my heart and my pussy. Thanks for giving us something exciting, new and wholly disgusting, Fleshlight!
Happy almost Halloween!! We here at the HotMovies family are nothing if not festive, so we decided to do things up right this year and start a new tradition – a pumpkin carving party. And not just ANY pumpkin carving party… a dirty pumpkin party! Alright, so not all of them turned out pervy, but of course mine did.
It was my very first attempt at making a real pumpkin carving that wasn’t just a lopsided jack-o-lantern face. Not too shabby, huh? Take a look at our other pictures, including the image that this pumpkin was carved from, which is from Reel Queer Production”s Roulette Toronto. And pictures of us playing with Fleshlight Freak’s Zombie cock.
Ah, finally, a horror porn that actually has blood and zombies that walk the way zombies should. Three cheers for Night Of The Groping Dead! The zombies in this movie even chew off labia and cocks! I figured I should probably mention that early on in the review, as that could very well be a deal breaker for some folks. I am not one of those folks, though, and am wholly excited that I finally found another porno flick that goes the disgusting extra mile to gross me out and get me off. Ok, so I don’t actually get off to this stuff, but when you’ve been reviewing porn for a while, you get excited by anything different than the same old in and out.
Basic premise here is the zombie king sends his zombie minions out into the world to pick up hot young ladies to bring over to his dark side. I don’t know why this particular woman was jerking off then napping at the local laundromat, but she was and that’s how she got captured and had her labia and nipples nibbled off by the undead. Just a word of warning to you laundromat nappers. Soon she herself has changed over to the dark side and starts getting her zombie fuck on with chicks she finds for herself. Yum.
Yes, this movie is totally amateur and fill to the hilt with the most fake ass blood I’ve ever seen (not really ass blood… maybe that was the wrong choice of wording…). Seriously, these zombies have mouthfuls of corn syrup and red food coloring, which isn’t doing anything for the realistic aspect, but it does get everywhere and make a huge fucking mess – and really, that’s what we are watching horror porn for, aren’t we? And at only 47 minutes long, this is the perfect amount of blood, guts and sexin!
Watch “Night Of The Groping Dead” Now!
Happy Humpday! Welcome back to the midweek stretch. Just as with last week, I have a plethora of delicious linkage for you to sink your teeth into and won’t bother writing up some intro about how excited I am about Halloween. And really, if you’ve been reading the blog at all this week, you already know how dorked out I get about the holiday. Ok, moving on – let’s get down to it!
- Those winter months are a-comin’ quick (it’s supposed to fucking SNOW in Philly this weekend!!), so it’s best to be prepared with your warmest wooly underpants. Pattern? Anyone?
- Want to mix being in bed, fucking and twister all together? Finally there is a way – Karmasheetra. Done and done! Though, I’m wondering why they don’t just make it a fitted sheet so it won’t move around…
- Awesome pro-condom cartoon sent to me by a co-worker. No idea where it’s from, but I love it.
- It’s not that uncommon for the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) to go through your luggage while you travel, and while many of us are used to seeing those notices of inspection, attorney Jill Filipovic got an extra special treat. Apparently the agents found her vibrator and left a handwritten personal note on the notice saying “Get Your Freak On Girl.” Sigh. Really?
- In other sigh-worthy news, are you ready for White Ribbon Against Porn Week? Really? Aren’t there other, more important things (oh, I don’t know, like cancer, AIDS, starving people) to fight? Sigh.
And lastly, my only Halloween contribution to this link love. How amazing is this Gay Dracula from the ’80s? Totally fucked up and full of awful stereotypes, yes, but also amazing.
Nothing says Halloween like twink vampire sex – and I am ready to celebrate! It’s Happy Halloween week and what’s better than some badass haunting in the form of hardcore blowjobs and premium ass fucking. I don’t know about you, but I am so ready for some tricks and treats!
At this point in my horror movie interest, I am convinced that the woods bring nothing but death and destruction, and this flick’s description isn’t helping dispel those fears! The description gives us a group of guys heading out to a cabin in the woods for a relaxing vacation, which is anything but. It doesn’t take long for the sexing to begin, but as for the horror, I was deeply disappointed.
Listen closely, porn makers – if you want to make horror porn, then make horror porn. Don’t just make a movie with people fucking and slap a scary description and a few post production spooky touches and expect me to not know the difference. Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching porn for so long and have high expectations, but it’s such a turn off to not get the awesomeness that a description promises me. I start going off to my co-workers about false advertising and it’s no good.
Alright, enough complaining, let’s get to the stuff I did like. While weird blue lighting doesn’t equal scary vampire porno in my mind, but it does do something to give it an off-kilter vibe, especially during the sexes. There was a ton of dick/ass/mouth action going on that I very much appreciated and lots of different combinations of people, including a “vampire.” Another thing I really appreciated was the fucked up, scary cover. The dude with the blood-covered mouth is in there at the very last minute, which is the only thing that saves this as a Halloween pick.
Hot sex, yes – scary horror porn, no. I guess sometimes we can’t have it all.
Each Halloween, us ladies at HM4Her spend the week leading up to the holiday reviewing and featuring some of the most exciting gruesomely hot horror porns on the site and this year is no exception! And since we watch different movies each year, I wanted to make sure and highlight some older favorites that we’ve had the privileged of talking about in the past. So sit back, grab your Drac, and see what scary smut we have to offer!
Re-Penetrator: When it comes to the gross, ghoulish and totally depraved, look no further than Burning Angel. These alt pervs are the do all and say all of nasty meeting naughty and we’d been lucky enough to enjoy this Re-Animator spoof over and over again. If blood, gore and blowjobs put that tingle in your bottom, this flick, as well as Burning Angel’s The XXXorcist, are the ones for you!
Zombie Nation: There is nothing quite as disappointing as watching a zombie porn that just has a few blood-covered performers banging each other like any other porn. I need my zombie smut to feature quality make up AND stars fucking and moving like real undead perverts. Zombie Nation gets an A+. Definitely check out the review.
Flesh For The Beast – Unrated: Warning – there is very little sex in this porno and no cock shots at all, but if you are looking for something full of gore and a little ripping off of faces, you’ve come to the right place. While I’m not usually that into softcore, this is one nasty, demon-filled flick and I am willing to deal with the lack of fucking to get that good, gross fun.
Cult 70s Porno Director: Harry Hopper: Alright, so this may not exactly be a horror porn, or Halloween-themed at all, but a lady gets fucked while wearing a pumpkin, so really, who are we to say it’s not spot on for this list. And seriously, how can you read this and not want to watch? ” I mean, what better way to celebrate Halloween than to wear the great pumpkin as underpants and get finger banged?” Yep, I’m sold.
Ladies Of The Night – Les Vampyres: Maria Beatty can do no wrong and this black and white lesbian vampire tryst is so testament to why her work is so amazing. This whole flick is delightfully sensual and erotic, while being totally kinky and hardcore at the same time. If you watch one vampire porno, this is the one to see.
It’s that time of year ago, when all of us are scrambling to the costume store in search of the perfect Halloween get up. While the costume store is, of course, just the place to find something for all of the parties you’ve been invited to this month, you know what else the Halloween store is perfect for? Finding great costumes and accessories to incorporate into your sex life. That’s right, folks, I’m talking about role playing!
Now that sexy costumes have really become the norm for Halloween, there are an abundance of skimpy character frocks in the shops – definitely way bigger of a selection than your average naughty lingerie or sex toy store’s year-round picks. Here are a few great tips to send you on your way into the costume shop with confidence and sex on the brain!
- Don’t forget the accessories. Even if the full costumes are a little too heavy on the wallet, you can always pick up a few identifying details and use what you already have for the rest. Have a police woman fantasy? Grab a pair of handcuffs and a hat at the store, then just toss on some blue clothes you have at home. Done and done.
- Speaking of handcuffs, be very careful using the accessories you get at the Halloween store as sex toys. Sure, the handcuffs will keep your partner’s hands in one place, but they are not really intended for play and may cut or scrape their wrists or be uncomfortable. Same thing goes for those “Indiana Jones” bull whips that the costume shop sells. They are not the same thing as the whips sold at sex toy shops, and using them can result in injury and all sorts of other bad things. If you are interested in playing with these toys for real, definitely check in with a reputable sex toy store (online or locally) and get the goods that are intended to get rough with! Read the rest of this entry »
If there are two things I love to watch in this world it’s porn and horror. Put them together and I’m a happy girl.
Creature Feature gives a few vignettes of your tried and true generic horror flicks. Coming in at first place is definitely Bride of Fuckenstein. They definitely had fun with it and put everything they had into the scene. It was totally silly, but I loved it, all of it – the Halloween décor, bride’s store bought costume, but I mostly loved Evan Stone’s commitment to the Dr. Stein character. His opening monologue is fantastic. As he beholds bride’s brain, he is going on about sloppy blow jobs and ball sucking in his own brand of Evan Stone-ness. If you only watch a small portion of this movie, watch the first 5 minutes. The ball sucking dialogue and the look on Evan’s face when he says “it’s alive” is totally worth it. He is a guy that enjoys his job and it shows. I love when porn stars get into their characters, it makes me that much more interested in watching them fuck.
Okay, while this movie was entertaining and the sexin’ was decent, I have to say that the mummy scene was not a win for me. There was just something a little unsettling. I didn’t like the perfect hole that was cut out of the mummy’s pants that was just big enough to fit his cock through. Actually, I’m not sure if it was the hole or the khaki rubber pants that bothered me. Why not just wrap him in gauze? Why the pants? Either way, I just couldn’t get into it.
Regardless of pant choices, Creature Feature is a fun porno to watch to get you in the spirit of Halloween. While most people carve pumpkins and make candy apples, we peddle smut and think it’s the best way to get into the spirit! It’s not going to change your life, but this movie will give you a chuckle while simultaneously getting you all (chocolate covered) antsy in the pantsy.
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- Don’t forget the accessories. Even if the full costumes are a little too heavy on the wallet, you can always pick up a few identifying details and use what you already have for the rest. Have a police woman fantasy? Grab a pair of handcuffs and a hat at the store, then just toss on some blue clothes you have at home. Done and done.
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