Tag Archives: Classic

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Alice In Wonderland

alice-in-wonderland-coverLike many of society’s latest and greatest, there were multiple things about myself that I did not come to discover until late into my twenties. For example, I had no clue I too was susceptible to becoming star struck until Charlie Day was walking by the office, preparing to film a scene for It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. My best friend Elizabeth and I proceeded to stalk Danny DeVito’s trailer waiting for him (she’s obsessed). It was a no go, but we had a very interesting conversation with one of the security ladies and I got this cool ass picture!

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Anyway, I also discovered my extreme love for musicals and all things singing fairly late in life. I’m one of those people who walks around the house sing-talking out loud to myself (I answer I won’t lie) and it is glorious! Now, to add to my list of discoveries is porn parody musicals. Bill Osco’s 1976 sexual rendition of Alice In Wonderland for Arrow Productions is an instant classic and a must see! I can’t guarantee that you’ll bust a nut, but like most of the movies I review, this one will certainly entertain and I really can’t foresee a situation where anyone walks away disappointed.

Scene 1 – Kristine De Bell

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Kristine De Bell is almost too damn cute in that blue dress with her blue eyes and her hair flowing out like that! She’s already the perfect Alice and everything from the opening credits to the opening sequence makes me feel all happy and tingly inside. When we open, Alice, working as a librarian, is in a bad mood. Some dude named William, played by Ron Nelson, is all up in her space trying to push up, but Alice isn’t ready. He tells her she’s a girl trapped in a woman’s body and this gets Alice thinking. Here we get our first magical song, themed around Alice embracing her womanhood and growing up. There’s something about a singing woman that will always turn me on, just as there’s something about a person sized bunny popping up behind her that will turn me right the fuck off.

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Naturally Alice can’t help but follow the giant bunz through a magical portal. To be fair, I would have done the same considering his declaration that she can decide to grow up all over again. The special effects were pretty cool even if outdated and the whimsical accompanying music kept everything in perspective.

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Scene 2 – Kristine De Bell & Alan Novak

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As we all know Alice falls behind the rabbit and ends up lost in his woods. This time around though she falls into a lake or something and meets a gang of in-tune furry friends who make her feel at ease with the idea of being comfortable in her skin. They sing song #2, a really cute tune about living life to the fullest without fear of judgement or failure. Everything is okay as long as you want it to be. This is a good place for a splif if you’re into that kind of thing, just saying. After the song and dance, a still-dripping-wet Alice realizes she’s at risk of getting sick and needs to dry off. Of course there are no towels laying around the woods but the furry friends have an even better idea. They lick her dry from head to toe with Alice getting hornier and hornier. She controls her urges, but lets them know how she’s feeling, and after their approval she lays back and enjoys the licking.

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A now-dry Alice gets dressed in a newly gifted white skimp dress and top and heads on her way through the woods in search of the rabbit, but not before a stern warning from her cat friends to stay clear of the Queen. As you can see from the image above, our little Alice is no longer shy with her own body, and apparently a creepy guy voice looking in doesn’t bother her either. She came a long way in no time! At first I thought it to be her conscious but after he revealed he was in fact the rock she was sitting on, I was out. I will do and try a lot of things, my mind is never closed, but masturbating in front of a talking rock is not one of those things. I can draw my lines where I want dammit! Alice nonetheless continues to enjoy herself before getting dressed and being walked up on by that damn rabbit again.

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Mr. Pop-Up Bunny is still rude as hell but this time he invites her to a tea party. They’re already late because he’s always the fuck late (I have issues with the rabbit if you couldn’t tell by now) so he rushes her through the woods until they reach that little pleasant arrangement up there. They’re there for all of 2 minutes before The Mad Hatter, played by Alan Novak, whips out his dick causing Alice to cover her eyes in childish embarrassment. Of course the ignorant ass rabbit peaces the hell out, leaving Alice alone with a pretty out-there dude and his dick. Keeping up with her curiosity, Alice touches the Hatter’s dick and watches in wonder as it bounces up and down in response. Before you can get your hands back in your pants, her mouth is all over that thing and I’m no longer convinced Alice is a virgin, at least when it comes to giving head. She has the Hatter’s cum all over her lips before long and he looks more than pleased with the experience. Since this is her first time, Alice thought she broke his penis after he came and went soft, but couldn’t have been happier upon learning that wasn’t the case. Don’t you love it when things work out!?

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Scene 3 – Nancy Dare & Terri Hall

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After Alice sucks the Hatter off, there’s a ground-shaking moment, but not the type ladies hope for. Alice asks what’s going on and Hatter responds “He’s done it again…Humpty.” That leads me to believe shit it about go down. The pair run through the woods to find Humpty and another gentleman near a wall. After a spectacular rhyming sequence, we learn that Humpty fell off a wall, hurt his balls, and can’t get it up anymore. His last hope is a pair of dancing nurses, Nancy Dare and Terri Hall, who strut their stuff like there’s no tomorrow. They dance and strip in front of Humpty and the gang, touching and rubbing all over each other.

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Unfortunately Humpty still can’t seem to get his dick hard, but The Mad Hatter, never one to give in to a problem, suggests Alice try to help the broken egg. Humpty agrees to give it a shot and begins telling Alice how important and famous he once was throughout the forest. Between stroking and sucking his cock, Alice assures Humpty that just because he’s broken doesn’t mean he can’t still be great. Just as the words leave her mouth, he gets hard and she yells for everyone to come take a look. I got a kick out of how proud and happy everyone was as they danced in a circle singing “his ding-a-lings up” while holding hands. I wish people got that excited for me!

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Scene 4 – Bree Anthony & Tony Richards

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Lost in the woods again, Alice, The Mad Hatter, and Mr. Rabbit run into Tweedledee and Tweedledum, played by Bree Anthony and Tony Richards. This ain’t the story from your childhood though. Tweedledum and Tweedledee are love buddies who can’t get enough of making each other cum and cum and cum. They even sing a song about it! After introductions the team sits Alice in a chair for front row treatment and we finally have our first full blown sex scene!

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This entire scene is really fun and whimsical from the music to the character’s interactions. The feel is light and playful, which fits perfectly with the overall theme of the movie and I like how the main objective of getting Alice in touch with her sexuality is never lost. The sex between Tweedledee and Tweedledum serves as a tutorial and by the end Alice certainly gets the point. She watches as the pair gently touch and caress before giving each other head in the 69 position. Bree rides Tony cowgirl until he cums and the energy and passion between the two is undeniable. I wish there were better shots incorporating the action and the actor’s faces, but that’s more of a complaint about classic films in general. Overall, for our first live boy/girl action, this scene gets the job done.

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After the deed is done we get more singing and I couldn’t be happier! Alice is now in search of her own special someone to love/fuck and watching the development of her character is really fun. She’s fully invested at this point and what’s coming next promises to be good.

Scene 5 – EVERYBODY!

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Our 5th scene opens with our favorite trio sitting in the woods when Alice hears a scream in the distance. All three run up to offer help and stumble upon Gila Havana riding a knight, Bruce Finklesteen. You’d think that Alice understands by now, after watching the tweedles get their freak on for her viewing pleasure, but she doesn’t and instead breaks out into song about a nice girl like Gila fucking a knight like Bruce. Since she doesn’t know either of them, I didn’t really understand this point except for Alice coming to terms with fucking in public where anyone can see you, but it was still entertaining, especially the song. The whole gang joins in and before you know it everyone is dancing around. All of a sudden, a knight on a horse rides up, pulls Gila off her Knight yelling “I knew you were cheating on me you bitch!” and takes the knight away to the palace.

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Now, we get our first glimpse into palace life and it looks interesting to say the least. There appears to be a play or some type of performance piece going on. It isn’t until you see the king walking around and the common folk hanging out that you realize this is a just a normal day in the royal court. It’s time for another song, this time from the infamous cards and the choreography is amazing! I can’t believe the amount of time and effort that actually went into just this performance. I was completely glued to the screen and loved every minute of it. Alice and the rabbit find their way to the palace where she’s introduced to and carried off by the King. Of course they start talking about Alice’s virginity and her wish to save it until she’s married, but the King does bring out a valid point that most men learn by high school. There’s no guarantee that any of us will live long enough to get married. Hell, we might decide not to get married at all by the time common sense kicks in! Plus, sex isn’t a spot or blemish you carry around with you, so you aren’t ruining anything for your future spouse by engaging in a little coitus anyway. I like this King…dude is smooth in a Curtis Mayfield type of way and that’s always a good thing. Anyway, he helps Alice come to see that sex is all about trusting yourself, not other people, and right then in walks the Queen. Alice was in the middle of getting some royal head from the King when she notices her and quickly answers the Queen’s questions about who she is. Instead of cutting off her head, the Queen wants some head, but Alice won’t make it easy. She demands a fair trial and the Hatter has a book saying it is indeed true that she be given a fair trial. Personally I would have just given the Queen a good licking. She’s going to have to suck somebody off either way so why not get it out of the way now?

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The court scene is as entertaining as they come! Alice is charged with not having love and ignorance is no excuse. She hasn’t been living life to the fullest, so they’re going to make her start. She’s found guilty and the next thing you know there’s fruit and genitals everywhere! Women are sexily slurping down juices while getting their backs banged out and one of the card ladies eats a huge turkey leg while riding the King’s dick. Tweedledee and Dum make another appearance, this time a little more creepy than before, and a French speaking woman asks “who do I have to fuck to get out of this movie?” which I found pretty hilarious. There’s plenty of p-in-v to go around in this scene, although it does go rather quickly.

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Scene 6 – Nancy Dare, Terri Hall, Ron Nelson & Kristine De Bell

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Nancy and Terri bathe and powder Alice, getting her ready for the big event – her first time with another person! They even go as far as fondling her pussy a little to get her relaxed and ready. There’s lots of light kissing and pretty music but when the Queen walks in on the trio, the tone completely refocuses. The music now sounds like something Queen Elizabeth brushes her teeth to, and the mean Queen is giving out directions left and right. She likes her nipples toyed with as she’s getting head and Alice diligently obliges until she sees an opening to escape. Helped by her loyal pals, Alice, Hatter, and the rabbit make a run for it with the naked queen and her royal court chasing after them through the woods. The cartoon animation used in this sequence made it even more enjoyable. The only way out is the way Alice arrived: in the lake, and since she can’t swim that could be a huge problem.

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We’re back in the library now and William walks in just as Alice is coming to. Still in a daze, she tells William not to apologize for their argument earlier as she begins taking his clothes off. Way to go Alice! Out little virgin takes control of the scene like a seasoned vet and even tells William what she likes and how she likes it. This scene is deliberately slow and gentle, filled with lots of “you’re so beautiful,” and “I can’t believe this is happening,” but everything feels in place. Alice has been working up to this moment the entire movie so it makes sense for her to take her time through it, not to mention it is her first time with another person. When she says she wants to feel him inside of her William is so taken back he looks at her with a smile on his face asking if she’s the real Alice. Watching Kristine finally have sex was great, especially when she thanked the Hatter and rabbit out loud before cumming.

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I was truly sad to see this one end. It was a blast to watch, even if it didn’t get my lady parts throbbing as I’d hoped. The acting was terrific and the story was creative and fun. Seriously, you have to watch Alice In Wonderland just to say you’ve seen it.

That’s all I have for now folks, but make sure you follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for pictures, info and reviews.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Fornicating Aliens

Fornicating Aliens CoverIf you’re looking for green aliens fucking chicks with long tentacles that squirt out ridiculous amounts of any color liquid you can imagine, stop reading. This movie is not for you. If you think you can handle a French masterpiece about dead bodies being taken over by horny aliens with powers of seduction and possession, then Fornicating Aliens, directed by Claude Pierson for Alpha France, is totally for you! Since the movie is in French with no subtitles, I’m limited in my knowledge of the plot and that can’t help but influence the review, but trust me, the visuals do more than their fair share of guiding you through the narrative. It actually feels more like a feature film with lots of love scenes than a porno flick, but for the 70s, I guess it fits right in. I got a little turned on at some points in the movie, but I was constantly entertained, and for me that’s important.

 

 

Scene 1 – Richard Allen & Ursula White

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Right away, we have a dead chick in a coffin being carried away by two expressionless men who are accompanied by the grieving and handsome Richard Allen and gorgeous Ursula White. It took me a while to realize Richard was burying his previous wife with his current new, young lover on his arm (men!), but after a few minutes it comes together. I’m not sure how wifey #1, buried in the beautiful, white fur coat died, but the happy newlyweds wasted no time settling in to their new life. Richard and Ursula start kissing and getting hot and heavy in the living room when all of a sudden the dead wife pops up in the window-white, fur coat still on and everything. Of course, Richard bugs the fuck out, but by the time Ursula turns around, dead wife is gone. None of this stops the couple from consummating their wedding night. They probably chalked it up to dead spouse trauma or something like that.

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Ursula White has that timeless beauty thing going, and her boobs are great, especially when she’s on top! The music is creepy and fits the theme of the movie, but definitely took me out of the mood. The sex between the newlyweds comes across as very passionate and romantic, and it enhances the plot, which of course is the point, but it also reminded me of my beef with classic porn. The plot comes first since much of the thought back in the day was to create a movie with penetrative sex scenes making up some of the plot as opposed to the sex being the focal point, so the camera angles aren’t exactly what I look for when choosing a porno to watch. You get very brief wide shots of the couple fucking, but mostly what you end up with are a lot of close up facials and close up hairy balls and vag. It’s not terrible, but I prefer seeing the whole picture most of the time. Also, the sex scenes aren’t very long since this is a “plot first” type of flick, but if you can manage to keep yourself in the mood, the sex is hot. Ursula makes great fuck faces and even though the audio is dubbed over, it matches so the moaning is cool. They stay in missionary for the most part, face to face like one would imagine newlyweds having sex, and they seem beyond comfortable with each other. They bust their nuts when all of a sudden Richard sees this shit…

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…which has him all…

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And once again, by the time Ursula turns around, dead wifey boo is gone!

Scene 2 – Richard Allen & Barbara Moose

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Richard can’t shake seeing his dead wife, played by Barbara Moose, twice after burying her and ends up roaming the beautiful green fields of his huge estate, no doubt in search of some clue as to what’s going on. He comes across Barbara’s white, fur coat laying in the grass and a few yards away notices she’s sleeping in the grass. When he tries to approach her,  she runs away. Makes sense since she’s supposed to be dead, right? Exactly what I thought, but when he finds her hiding in a cave on the property, she readily goes with him as if she was expecting to get caught. He attempts to communicate with her, and at first it sounds like she’s repeating everything he says, but eventually a conversation ensues and her voice is strangely robotic, like she’s being controlled as part of a larger group. Now it makes sense! This dead chick is possessed by aliens! I can’t tell if Richard realizes this with me, but what I do know is this fool is completely hypnotized by something exotic and beautiful in her that he can’t help but be drawn to. They kiss softly before walking off near a lake (this property is huge!).

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As time goes on, you see Richard falling further under dead wife Barbara’s seductive spell, and before you know it, their naked bodies are intertwined in a really sexy fuck session that definitely got me going! Barbara and her long black hair are incredibly sexy and she goes crazy when Richard gropes her breasts. When she gets on top and rides him cowgirl while playing with her boobs I almost lost it. There’s nothing sexier than a woman turned on by herself! She fucks the shit out of him until he cums, but then something weird happens…

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Richard is in a sex comma, dick still inside dead wifey Barbara while she’s off in a trance looking into space at something we as the viewer can’t see. At this point I don’t even give a shit what she’s looking at or thinking, I’m just trying to come to terms with the fact that I fucked an alien lakeside and loved it!

Scene 3 – Richard Allen & Ursula White

Ursula is busy cleaning the house when she stumbles across a blue bag containing the white, fur coat. She immediately recognizes it as the coat her husband’s wife was buried in, when the phone rings and shakes her out of her shock. I obviously don’t know what the phone call was about, but she sounded very scattered and concerned, the way one might when trying to carry on a conversation while still piecing things together.

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Fast forward to Richard and Ursula making happy time in their marital bed. We don’t know if she talked to him about finding the fur coat or the mysterious phone call (mysterious to me because I can’t speak French), but because the director decided to cut straight to sex leads me to believe she didn’t say anything. The scene is hotter than the first with these two. The chemistry and passion still comes across in that classic porn way, but this time they explore more positions and get all acrobatic on our asses. Again, the sex, and in this case the scene in general, is really short, but I found staying in the mood a little easier for some reason.

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Scene 4 – Alban Ceray & Barbara Moose & Richard Allen

After banging his hot wife all night, Richard still can’t seem to get Barbara off his mind, and honestly, who the hell would be able to!?! I don’t know how she died, but assuming he had nothing to do with it, you’d have to think he’s a little happy to see her. He did marry her after all. Plus, this chick is dead! How the fuck is she walking around the house!? And why his house!? Shit is real, so I can’t blame the man for going off and looking for her near the cave again. What I can blame him for is his response to this bullshit right here…

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What the fuck is Alban Ceray’s hairy naked ass doing and why is he doing it with my man Richard’s dead wife? Is he dead too? What the hell is going on!? Richard is all up in arms behind the bushes and shit like this…

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I was ready for a fight when Richard jumped out and started cursing everybody out, but after a comical stare off…

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Alban ends up running off. None of that is my problem. I think Richard handled that brilliantly. He scared dude off after giving him the verbal business and hopefully told him to find some damn clothes. My beef is how you go from pissed the hell off to this alien seduction stuff right here…

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Even if I do forgive your dead ass for having that naked dude on my property after we done had romantic lake sex, you’re sucking me off before I give you any type of nipple action! But oh no. Not Richard. Barbara’s smooth robotic talking works its magic again and Richard is stuck, all the way stuck! This man doesn’t stand a chance.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Ursula is going through something mentally because this woman pulls out a hand gun, makes sure it’s loaded, and stuffs it down in her purse. That could end very badly for Richard, but again, I have no idea what’s being said in this movie, so I can’t be sure.

Anyway, they do it in the butt for a while and Barbara goes crazy which was a huge turn on. Richard literally shakes his way through an orgasm and immediately falls back into relax/ sex coma mode. This time Barbara tries to walk away after putting him down, but Richard isn’t having that shit and grabs her arm before she can leave him. It looks like some Adam & Eve stuff to me.

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Scene 5 – Ursula White & Alban Ceray

This is where things get extra Lifetime crazy. Ursula is walking through the cemetery, loaded gun still in her purse, when suddenly she stops to bend down and leaves the gun in the dirt. Now I’m wondering if she’s scared Richard is losing his damn mind and could possibly kill her (like he did his previous wife??) so she’s getting rid of everything dangerous in the house. While walking back to the car, she comes across Alban Ceray’s grave. Instantly Ursula knows that shit ain’t right and looks up only to find Alban standing behind her.

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He hands her the gun back, they exchange words and strange intense looks, and Ursula damn near runs back to the car. Back at the house later that night, she and Richard have a heated conversation. It doesn’t seem like they’re arguing or at odds with one another, but more like they’re trying to figure something out and aren’t always seeing eye to eye. Ursula has to believe his tales now that she’s seen Alban, but since I’m not sure I don’t want to speculate too much. Richard storms out of the room by the end of it all, and Ursula can’t help but follow him. He unknowingly leads her to the cave and she runs into Alban’s naked, creepy ass. At first it looks like she really does think about running off, but just like Richard, she’s drawn to something seductive and uncontrollable within him and gives in to her curiosity.

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Ursula’s body is taken by Alban right away and the whole thing is incredibly hot to watch. She’s a little more vocal with Alban, probably due to his alien penis, and the sex is really close and personal the entire time. She jumps on his dick like it’s about to save her life and even sheds a tear after the deed is done and he disappears to leave her standing there hugging the tree for dear life.

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Scene 6 – Alban Ceray & Barbara Moose & Liliane Lemieuvre & Didier Aubriot

Ursula’s bliss doesn’t last very long because as soon as she opens her eyes she sees this shit…1

A line of zombie-looking naked people is enough to have anybody running for the hills, which is probably why  we don’t see Ursula anymore! The music is like 70s-everything-meets-aliens and the cult aspect of the sex is fucking perfect. This is definitely my favorite scene already. The group breaks out into pairs, and starts in on some type of synchronized fucking with Richard and Ursula lurking and watching from the bushes. I can’t lie, as entertaining as this scene was, it was impossible for me to participate. I was so captured by the music and caught up in the plot that I forgot to be horny. I completely transformed and went into movie watching mode, which was cool for me, but might not do it for you if you’re solely trying to rub one out. The foreplay and sex are definitely good, but all their faces are statues for the most part, concentrating on something outside of them instead of on the sex, so that contributed to the distraction. Great job by Liliane Lemieuvre and Didier Aubriot joining in on the action by the way. The fact that they all synced up is incredible. They actual fuck in rhythm with each other for the latter part of the scene, forming a semi-circle around a random statue. With girls still on dicks, the guys spin around and around as if calling out or making a gesture to something. Richard and Ursula eventually walk away, leaving me craving more group activities just to know what happens next.

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Scene 7 – Richard Allen & Ursula White

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Just like we started, we end with the newlyweds, but it’s nothing like I expected. Barbara comes to Ursula in her home and they exchange words. Ursula seems upset, but Barbara seems in need. She collapses on the floor with Ursula coldly watching her cry out in pain on the floor. She points a gun at Barbara and I’m just noticing babe is pregnant! Great, now there’s an alien baby, just what everybody needs! Richard walks up the steps just in time with a gun in his hands and shoots Ursula’s gun free. Richard kneels by her side while Ursula spews the angry woman song I’m assuming. It wouldn’t be a party if creeper Alban didn’t show up reciting something and pissing Richard off. To my surprise though, when Alban is done talking, Richard shoots Barbara, maybe to put her out of her misery or keep the child from being born, but either way I’m ready for some sex. Just as that thought crossed my mind, Alban shoots Barbara as she ran to him and I’m back in movie mode! This flick is crazy!

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So now Ursula and Barbara are lying dead on the floor and Richard has nothing left to do but kill Alban. Of course, he talks his way out of it, none of which I can understand, but I was glued to the screen nonetheless. Good thing too because Richard uncovers Ursula’s tits and right then you notice the weird alien eye make-up already applied and realize what she’s become. The only thing I can’t figure out is who the hell is in her body! Richard doesn’t give a damn though. He just wants crazy passionate alien sex, and that’s exactly what he gets. The two fuck in the same field he first fucked Barbara in and the sex is just as intense. Ursula is wild and free, swinging her hair as she rides Richard’s cock, and it seems like she’s more in control than previously. There aren’t many positions explored but the sex they have keeps in line with the theme as both moan and move in tune with each other. Richard cums and finds himself back in that same trance (I’m convinced this is all he wanted in the first place) and after the pair exchange a few words, Richard pulls away happily and Ursula just stares off into the sky.

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Overall I had a lot of fun watching Fornicating Aliens. It’s definitely worth a look if you don’t mind plot-centric classics that may accidentally take you out of the mood, especially when the plot is about horny aliens that take over dead bodies and fuck in the woods behind a mansion. Check it out and let us know what you think in the comments section below or hit me up on Twitter @authenticlezz1 and @hotmoviesforher. Until next time…

The Opening Of Misty Beethoven

Back in 2007, mere months after I started working at HM4Her, I sat down to review .  Being such a novice to the world of smutty reviews, and classics like this at all really, I only pumped out a quick paragraph and a half about this super popular and influential film.  Oy! What was I thinking?  I guess at that time, that is how we were doing things.

Anyway, last week we were lucky enough to get a beautiful new box set full to the hilt with all things Misty Beethoven.  Not only did we receive a gorgeously re-mastered edition of , the box includes a whole host of extras, like a behind the scenes video, outtakes, the last interview with star Jamie Gillis and more.  Seriously – it’s an awesome set!   Acquiring the new re-master, coupled with the dinky review from years ago, I decided that it was high time to give old Misty B. another go-round and hunker down to really review this puppy like it should be reviewed!

Pygmalion done porno style, this rags-to-riches story follows sexologist Dr. Seymour Love () on his quest to transform low-class sex worker Misty Beethoven () into the world’s greatest lover.  Picking her up in a French porno theater, the pair travel back to the states to begin their erotic training adventure.  They want her to be the most exciting new girl of the season, otherwise known as “The Goldenrod Girl.”

After the most amazingly pervy airline takes them back to New York (can you say sex section!), we get an awesome montage of Misty’s hands-on education.  While working on the street, Misty refused to give blowjobs and have sex in her butt, so those are two of the main focuses, taught with lots of dildos getting sucked and so much cum on her face.

I think one of my favorite things about this film is all of the random people having sex all over the place in the backgrounds of the shots.  They are never really explained or referenced, so it seems they are just there to add a little extra dirty dimension to the visuals, which they definitely succeed in doing.  Like in so many scenes there are maids and butlers fucking all over the house.  It’s kind of amazing.  I also love that there are so many times that the good Dr. Love is right in her face, showing Misty exactly how to suck a cock just right, or swallow.  What a hands-on instructor!  Check out this educational montage.

After an evening of fucking in the bathroom at the ballet, rumors begin to surface about Misty, turning her into an international woman of mystery overnight.  Everybody wants to know who exactly is Misty Beethoven.  She even seduces a gay man, which was pretty risqué in the ‘70s, when this movie was made. They know she is ready for the big leagues when she can make three men cum at once.

At the climax (pun totally intended), Misty fucks famed publisher Lawrence Layman and becomes the much coveted Goldenrod Girl, which inspires her to leave Dr. Love, a teacher that is belittling and condescending towards her.  Love only realizes how much he cares for Misty after she leaves.  But it doesn’t take long for her to find her way back and give him the fuck of his life.  All’s well that ends well…

While the story is fantastic and Constance Money is a great lead, the real gem of this movie is Jamie Gillis.  Charming, sexy and a fantastic actor, it’s no surprise that Gillis was as popular as he was in his heyday.  I’m actually a little shocked that he wasn’t a big mainstream star as well.  He really was the perfect man for this part.

To sum it all up – if you watch one classic porno, this is the one to pick – especially with all the added extras!

Watch “” Now!

xoxo
-JD

 

Rain

Today is Election Day here in the U.S.A., which means that a lot of people are pretty stressed out about the coming presidential results.  You could sit and watch CNN all night, keeping your ear to the ground for each individual vote, but why not take a little break and enjoy a dirty movie to keep your spirits up and your blood pressure down… well, after the orgasm, of course.

Today I am keeping short and sweet with an old school quickie from .  They are classic movies with no discernible dialogue and usually have pretty dreadful music, so you can mute the movie and keep your political stream in the background.  You know, because those political reporters have the sexiest voices to masturbate to.

Anyway, today we are watching – a seven minute girl-girl-boy threesome flick that shows us what happens when you show up to a friend’s house after you’ve been caught in the rain and you must strip off all your wet clothes (and not a nod to the recent storm/devastation – we aren’t that heartless).  Please note that this movie does say that it’s 20 minutes long, but in reality it is only something like 6 minutes and 47 seconds.  I am looking into getting it fixed, but I already started reviewing and wanted to keep on with it, even with the timing posted wrong.

Within two minutes the hardcore sex has already started.  Some of these classic movies get right to the action with little ceremony.  And since we only have a few minutes and three people to please, it makes sense that they would want to waste little time.  There is some precious pussy pounding time that cannot be lost.

While some of the footage is pretty old, grainy and a little blurry, we get a whole bunch of awesome close-ups that make it all totally worthwhile.  There is something so extra sexy about watching a cock thrusting into a pussy from really close-up. Yum.  With three people getting it on, there is lots of sucking and fucking action going on in a little bit of time.  We are graced with a delicious blow job, lots of pussy licking and all of that fantastic penetration I mentioned before, though there wasn’t much time to change positions or anything, so it’s pretty straightforward.

All in all, this is a decent quickie and a fabulous way to distract yourself for a few minutes without having to abandon your poll coverage for too long.

Watch ” ” Now!

Rated Sex

There are lots of ways that we porn reviewers pick the movies that we watch.  Sure, sometimes there are big releases that need to be promoted, so we give them a look, but usually our choices come from browsing the site and taking a gander at some of the movies that seem exciting.  It could be the title that titillates us, or possibly the stars that catch our eyes… and every once in a while, we get sucked in by the screen caps, which is what happened today with .

While the box cover is what initially drew me into Rated Sex, it is most definitely the screen caps that kept my attention.  A few screen caps in particular.  Can you guess which ones I’m referring to?  Oh yeah, I’m talking about scene two, which features a penis with a face wearing a hat, talking to a vulva with a face.  Pretty creepy/amazing, right?  I know from the moment I saw it that I needed to know more, hence the review.

As it turns out, this flick is more a collection of trailers rather than a full movie. Hosted by award-winning critics, Merle Smith () and Jan Kennet (), we go clip by clip, checking out  seven of the “hot new dirty movies” that the ‘80s had to offer.

As excited as the rest of this move is (it is pretty hot), it’s really scene two that I came to watch.  I mean seriously – it’s a dick with a face and a hat.  How could I possibly resist?  It’s called PeePee’s Big Adventure, and from the first moment it’s the creepiest/most awesome scene ever.  There is this strange music and a wiener with a falsetto voice.  Oh, and a dick with a face and a hat… did I mention that?

This personified cock has lost his “warm spot,” which is clearly his lovely vaginal friend.  You know, the one with the big face drawn on its labia.  Finally he finds her and they embrace while PeePee heads into his warm spot, even though Mr. Finger tries to stop him.  After thrusting for a few minutes, both partners get excited and PeePee begins to climax, so Mr. Finger comes back and chokes him until he explodes cum all over the place.

Though it’s nothing that I want to get hot over, I still really liked this scene.  I agree with the critics about getting caught up in the plot a little (if you can call five minutes of a puppet penis waving around a “plot”) and enjoying it even without seeing the actors’ faces.

And lucky for you, I have a little clip so you can experience the magic as well.

Amazing, right?

Watch “” Now!

Pervy Poster Art and Latin American Brings The Lady Porn Love – Link Love

Happy Humpday!  Welcome back to the midweek stretch.  We are winding the summer down at warp speed and I know that there are a ton of people out on vacation around now, trying to soak up those last remaining days until fall.  Not to worry though, folks, because we smut peddlers are still around and ready to help push your workweek into the second half!  Let’s get to celebrating the hump with a little Link Love!

– Nerve offers up a few awesome classic smut posters from the ’70s and ’80s.  Look at that vintage style!  Also, we totally have this movie if you are up for watching that spandex is action!

Joanna Angel hits the bar for an adventure in speed dating.  How hard it is for a young, Jewish, tattooed, alternative porn star to get a date?  Apparently not as easy as you’d think.  Keep up the good work, Joanna!

– Who’s Joanna Angel, you ask?  Check out this new interview she did with GuySpeed.

– This year Russia has cancelled its annual inflatable sex doll river race.  While officials cite dangerously high water levels, many believe that it is actually to prevent people from gathering in mass, which could lead to a protest.  I mean, what else would you expect from a country that jailed three women for hooliganism, right?

Three Word Phrase is an awesome comic.  This one and this one are my favorites.

Which states are buying the most sex toys?

– We’ve heard that sperm can be good for a diet and a complexion, but can semen actually control the female brain?  Some scientists say it can in some ways.

– And lastly, congrats to everyone involved in the first International Film Festival of Female Directors of Erotic Cinema to be held in Latin America, “Cinema and Sex, the Feminine Glance,” which is happening in Mexico City right now!!  Tristan Taormino and Candida Royalle are in Mexico now, taking part in the festival.  How neat is that!?!

Hope this gets you through til the weekend!

xoxo
-JD

The Devil Inside Her

Today was feeling like an old school porno day, so I headed over to our Classics category to check out the goods of decades past.  Something about this bizzaro ‘70s flick caught my eye.  I mean, you mix weird family dynamics, demons and Annie Sprinkle, and I am so there.  Add in a naked Devil jerking off and you have yourself a porno I can’t help but need to review.

Basic premise of this movie features a pair of sisters lusting/loving the same man.  Not only is their über religious father in the way, the second sister (Hope) gets so jealous and crazy with desperation that she offers her soul to the Devil in exchange for the man they love (Joseph).  Using his dastardly tricks, the Devil takes the shape of Joseph and has his way with Faith, the other daughter.  While I know it’s just porno, I still don’t like weird, rape-y scenes.

It turns out that Hope didn’t even actually sell her soul to the Devil, because after he appears and conjures his own Joseph, Hope then goes to the local witch-y woman in search of a love potion to make Joseph fall in love with her.  Confused?  So am I.  I guess it really doesn’t matter because Hope gives this magical dude a blowjob as he hangs from a tree branch, which is totally awesome.  Man, I love me some strange porn!  I will say it all starts to make a tiny bit more sense when we find out that the witch is working with the Devil to orchestrate all the delicious debauchery.  Oh and one last thing… the Devil totally has Kiss makeup on his face.  And it’s amazing.

So, Hope gets her potion and as soon as she downs it, the Devil comes to her and gets a magical blowjob/  fuckfest, though she thinks he is Joseph the whole time.  Reverse love potion??  Either way, the whole thing is pretty fucking bizaro.

Anyway, I won’t get into the whole movie, because I don’t want to spoil it all, but I will end this with a mention that there is a masturbation scene with an ear of porn and a squash… and some super strange incest thing… and a huge demon orgy.  Yeah, like I said before, it’s all bizarro.  And equally awesome.  Oh 1970’s, you are so weird.

Watch “” Now!

Hollywood Merry-Go-Round – Remastered Grindhouse Edition

Sometimes you just need a little old school orgy to round out your day.  While this whole Grindhouse classic collection wasn’t group sex, the movie started out with orgy action that set the pace for my porno watching experience.  And what a nice pace it was…  Featuring rare footage of porn legend John Holmes, this ‘70s compilation offers a whole host of awesome scenes with some of the industry’s favorite stars.

One thing I especially enjoy about this smattering of scenes is that even though they give us a little background music to keep things moving along, you can still hear all the delicious moans and groans of pleasure that the performers are dishing out.  I can’t help but love a good moan.  There is something so extra sexy about hearing how excited someone is getting – especially when they get close to climax.

The video quality is dated at best, showing us exactly what the ‘70s brought to the porno table.  We still get lots of angles and all, but more scenes where the camera stays put during the action.  Like take scene three for example.  It’s as though the camera is sitting stationary on a bookshelf while the swinging dance party devolves into a raunchy orgy, with no close ups or cuts.  While I sometimes find that annoying, I actually really enjoy it in this instance.  But I wasn’t disappointed when the camera got a little closer towards the heat of the action.

All-in-all, a great classic combo to finish up a long week.

Watch “Hollywood Merry-Go-Round – Remastered Grindhouse Edition” Now!

Debbie Does Dallas 30th Anniversary: Re-mastered Feature

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been readying my apartment for an upcoming move.  Along with packing all of my belongings, this also entails going through all of the shit I’ve ended up storing under my bed and in various closets.  The other night I was pulling boxes of random stuff out from under my bed when I found a VHS copy of Debbie Does Dallas.  Score!  I happily passed it along to a friend that still has a VCR, reminiscing about how it is such an awesome movie.  Luckily, I didn’t actually need to keep the old VCR to watch all the classic porns – we have them here, streaming and ready to watch.  Yes, I know that sounds like a commercial for HM4Her, but honestly, I just say it because I am grateful that I don’t need to add VCR to my list of crap to pack.  In honor of finding this movie the other day, I decided it was totally time to review it once more (the last time we reviewed it was back in 2007, when Stoya still worked here, as she wrote the review).

Oh Debbie, what is a cheerleader to do with only two weeks left to earn money for a big trip to Dallas to cheer as a Cowgirl?  Good thing you have your squad behind you, helping you figure out a plan.  Sure, you can all get after school jobs, but even working down at the local sports equipment store (or record store, or library) will bring in enough cash to get you and your friends down to Texas.  Unless… you take that horny sports shop owner, Mr. Greenfield, up on his offer to pay you extra to flash him and let him suck on you nipples.  Heck, why not talk to the rest of the gals about opening up their variety of “services” and have them each give their new bosses the help they are REALLY looking for?  Look who’s making it to Dallas!

As much as some parts of this awesome classic gave me that uncomfortable ‘sexual harassment feeling,’ I tried my best to keep in mind that porn is fantasy and you don’t have to worry about that stuff in a fantasy.   My feminist brain gets the best of me with classic porn sometimes.  I was actually surprised how feminist I found this old school flick.  All the girls make a decision together to burst into the world of sex work, deciding exactly how far they want to go with their bosses.  Sure, most of them are fucking like champs by the end, running that gamut from butt sex to spanking, but they made those decisions for themselves.  I love that the director showed the conversation they had together in the locker room.  Good old second wave feminism to the rescue.

All the fucking in this flick is actually pretty hot.  I love a full ‘70s bush, so I was in total luck with each and every naked body.  The entire hour and a half movie is filled with all kinds of activities, including pussy licking, blowjobs and the aforementioned butt sexin’ and spanking.  Hell, there is even jerking off with a candle.  Big props for variety!

I’m so glad I finally took the time to watch this whole movie and really appreciate the attention to detail in classic porn.  I decided to check out the re-mastered version, which I’m assuming makes a difference, but honestly, I’m not sure how much of a difference.  All I know is that this classic dirty flick has totally earned its place in both porno and pop culture history.  Thanks for doing Dallas, Debbie!

Watch “Debbie Does Dallas 30th Anniversary: Re-mastered Feature” now!

Cafe Flesh

I’ve been looking forward to reviewing Café Flesh for a long time now.  Not only do I love classic movies, but this one has been in my sights for a while now and I am definitely ready to give it some review love!

The basic story of Café Flesh follows a post-apocalyptic society broken into two segments – the cans and the cannots.  Ninety-nine percent of the population are Sex Negatives who long to fuck, but are unable to withstand another’s touch without getting violently ill.  The slim one percent are Sex Positives, the ones who can still get it on, and do on-stage in performances for the masses who were not so fortunate.  The stage is Café Flesh, a sexy cabaret where erotic delights are the most popular items on the menu. Yum.

There are a few things about this film that make me love it so much. First, what an amazing premise – having the few that can still fuck do it on front of the ones who can’t, for their enjoyment.  There is something so subversive and risqué about that, and I love it!  The faces of the Sex Negatives as they watch the action are amazing.  Those sneers and grotesque grimaces of longing are the details that really make it for me.

Another thing I love about this movie is the art house bizarre-ness of the Café Flesh performances.  Some of them are seriously weird/amazing.  Like take the first performance, with a guy dressed as a giant rat milkman seducing a sexy mama with her three babies (all grown men dressed as babies, with bibs and rattles) in high-chairs in the background.  She rubs herself all over his long rat tail, which is both disgusting and hot at the same time.  Each of the performances are this way, and definitely have thinking about them long after the sex is over.

Sex-wise, we get a little standard ‘80s porn fair, with decent close-ups, full pubic hair (yay!) and lots of big hair.  Even nearly 30 years old, this awesome art-house flick totally brings it!  Thanks Rinse Dream!

Watch “Cafe Flesh” Now!