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classic porn
Fans of anything British will absolutely love this one. This movie is like Animal Planet meets the BBC meets porn! The narrator is obviously an expert when it comes to the sex lives of British men and provides us with a sneak peek look inside their perverted minds. I really liked the first scene – mostly because it featured a black couple that didn’t bill one of them as either a “phat-azzed bitch” or a “monster-cocked brutha”. It was pretty refreshing. The sex is on the softcore side when compared to a lot of content released today, but I’d much rather watch something like this then 15 minutes of indistinguishable genitals smashing together any day. This is a light, sexy movie that’s super couple-friendly.
-The Porn Librarian
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This mish-mosh of animated clips totally makes up for all the Fritz the Cat cartoons I wasn’t allowed to watch growing up. I’m not sure what my favorite vignette was – maybe the tale of the King of Clitoria and his little peter, or perhaps the sunny little piece where a carrot fucks a woman with another carrot. Now, would that be a threesome, or just using a toy? Guess it’s all up to interpretation. Sure, all the cartoons are a little misogynistic and whatnot, but I’m chalking it up to the times in which they were made. And by the look of some of them, we’re talkin’ Grover Cleaveland in office. Ok, not quite that old, but you get the point.
-J.D. Bauchery
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Written by: J.D. on March 11th, 2008
Surprising, I’ve never before seen, or even thought about, using a cult as part of a porn plot. But what a good idea! It’s a great way to bring an orgy into every scene with no explanation needed (not like porn ever explains anything anyway). This specific cult plot was a little bit too soap-operay for me, with a boozed up leader, financial woes and too much back-story going on, but I will say that as in most classics, the plot stays true to itself and doesn’t continuously change up every scene. We also get a super young Nina Hartley as the sweet, innocent inductee who must learn to lick pussy and free her mind to get through the processes need to eventually experience the ultimate O. And while this flick is all about the O, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen Nina give anything but a 100% natural orgasm. Although it’s a little sad, don’t worry, with ten other people moaning right along in the same bed, you’ll barely notice.
-J.D. Bauchery
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Written by: J.D. on March 7th, 2008
There is nothing like classic porn. Sure the contemporary stuff goes places they wouldn’t have dreamed of back then, but there is just something about grainy film and dated apparel that brings back the taboos of the time for me. This super quickie is a perfect example of an amateur classic, with that old home movie feeling I love, like we just accidentally stumbled upon this risqué flick among a pile of vacation and family party reels. The quality isn’t great, but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? Plus, keep a look out for the impressive one-handed double penetration complete with clit stim. At a whopping 7 minutes long, its not like you could miss it.
-J.D. Bauchery
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Reviewing a documentary is a little out of the ordinary, but I do sometimes watch something other than hardcore porn. Betty Page – The Naked Truth tells the story of Irvin Klaw’s favorite subject and the undisputed pin-up queen. It offers a general history of Page told over a fantastic collection of existing footage of the dark beauty. You’ll see everything from photos of her in high school to bondage and dancing videos. While this isn’t a complete biography, the visual format is very intriguing and demonstrates why this living legend continues to have such a strong cult following fifty years later.
-The Porn Librarian
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The Collar is a vintage clip with a fetish edge. It’s just shy of eight minutes, but packed full of titillating visuals that plays out more like an art school film than a typical porno. You’ll get to watch as the man binds his partner with wrist and ankle restraints before dining on her hairy pussy. His dominance is apparent, but so is his worship of her from the opening seconds. The film is mostly foreplay, which is refreshing, and is edited in a way that somehow manages to tell the entire tale in a short amount of time. You’ll also get to see two fantastic afros, a flaccid penis (I know, how unusual!) and an erotic story that’s oozing sensuality.
-The Porn Librarian
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Written by: J.D. on February 4th, 2008
You know those times when something is so funny/weird that you aren’t quite sure what to say? Well, this is definitely one of those moments. It’s not that I didn’t like this super ’80s throw back, because I did, it’s just that I’m not sure the best description to do it justice. A frustrated cartoonist draws up horny chicks with larger-than-life hair and sexy scenarios that jump off the page into fuck-fueled vignettes. Scenes include ripped up spandex, pastel teddies, and one even has a wedding dress – but all offer tight shots, decent acting and hardcore worth watching. Sure the dated looks can trump the hotness factor at times, but older porn is usually pretty fun, and finding a movie that features a woman with pubic hair is rare like seeing a unicorn. Plus, you gotta love the slow mo money shot. Always a nice touch.
-J.D. Bauchery
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 John Holmes is a legend, there’s no denying that. Countless starlets have agreed that he was the “biggest” male star of all time, and while I can’t speak to that, I can officially declare him a pop culture hero. The Beastie Boys reference him in song, Boogie Nights is based on his life, and I’m guessing I’m not the only teen who knew his name before they had any idea who or what he was. The Devil in Mr. Holmes is a foreign shot film (which means the English is dubbed and ridiculous) in which Holmes makes a deal with the devil that allows him to seduce women just by looking at them. Whipping out his monster cock probably would have had the same results, without invoking Lucifer, but that movie had been made a hundred times already. The highlights for me were Karin Shubert getting it doggy-style from Holmes and the grand finale, an orgy of epic proportions. Director Giorgio Grande somehow managed to bring together a cast of the hottest American and European stars of the time, making this a movie any classic movie fan must see.
-The Porn Librarian
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Written by: J.D. on January 3rd, 2008
Blackmail, money and corporate greed – not the usual ingredients of a hot porno flick, but they work surprisingly well alongside the fucking in this vintage feature. Heavy on the classic adult stars, including vixen Veronica Hart, a young Ron Jeremy and Sharon Mitchell, who later went on to co-found the Adult Industry Medical Health Care Foundation (AIM), this 1981 release turns the tables on the male dominated work places of the time. Kind of like a porno “9 to 5.” And you know Dolly Parton would totally agree. 2008 AVN Award Nominee for Best Classic DVD.
-J.D. Bauchery
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One of the great things about the AVN awards is that every year they highlight some great movies in the Best Classic DVD category that I haven’t watched. I love me some classic porn, so when I saw Careful He May Be Watching was nominated this year, I knew I’d be reviewing it. This film features one of my favorite classic porn stars, the platinum princess of porn, Seka! I love the basic premise for this one; Seka is a devoted housewive during the day and a raunchy porn star by night. In fact, it seems awfully familiar for a woman who peddles smut by day and hosts dinner parties for Ivy League docs by night…Anyways, it’s pretty obvious why this movie was nominated this year. It features two of the era’s biggest stars, Seka and Kay Parker and it chock full of smokin’ sex scenes. This is a film that you will want to watch in its entirety.
The Porn Librarian
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