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celebrity sex tapes
You may have been living under a rock yesterday, so hopefully the Porn Librarian was the first to tell you (ok, probably the millionth) some exciting news - there just may be a Josh Hartnett sex tape.
Since I am a foremost authority on details, I’ll recap the important stuff - Josh Hartnett, public sex in library, caught on surveillance. Oh, and Red Light District released a press release offering $500,000 for the video.
I am not one to let sleeping dogs lie (or let secret Josh Hartnett sex tapes remain secret), so I am publishing 3 public letters to the entities that I feel can help make my wish a reality.
Letter #1:
Dear Power Greater Than Me,
Thank you for coming close to finally answering my prayers that for once a celebrity sex tape may possibly exist that features someone I actually find attractive. Many seem to be staged leaks featuring people I’m not necessarily interested in watching clothed, let alone doing the dirty; but I think this just may be my moment.
Josh Hartnett may not be my first choice, but he’s in the long list for sure. I will continue to cross my fingers in hopes that one day I will be witness to this promising tape and that it will not be a fantastic disappointment.
Yours always (at least sometimes),
Venus Vegas
Letter #2:
Dear Red Light District,
I have just read that you are offering money for this tape! While I know many of your past celebrity tape acquisitions have been a financial boon, I must admit they left me feeling much to be desired. I lust over many celebrities, yet you keep seeming to find the ones that are on my “no” list.
Exhibit A - Screech
Now, I think we can all agree Zach and A. C. Slater were the real hotties here. Zach not so much any more, but Slater has only gotten better (good bye Z. Cavaricci’s!). Mr. Red Light District, I know you take what you can get, but did you not see the show? Only poor geeky Violet took Screech, and while we all know beneath those big glasses and ill-fitting dresses she was a true gem, I highly doubt she’d stand for a fake dirty sanchez.
Remember Lisa Turtle’s voice of repellent in every episode? I rest my case.
So, to hear that you are trying to get Josh Hartnett’s sex tape is music to my ears and sends tingles to my hoo-ha! Please, please, be nice to him and allow my hungry eyes witness to his raw sex. In a library. Please.
My Faith Is With You,
Venus Vegas
Letter #3:
My Dearest Josh Hartnett,
I’d like to begin by saying that the vision of you keeps me warm on cold nights. For every porn movie I watch that does not star a few certain key males (Tommy Pistol, Manuel Ferrara, or Kurt Lockwood), I envision your face on the mulleted/poorly bleached/bald-headed man.
I am deeply saddened to hear that your most intimate privacy may have been invaded! In a public library no less! However, as with everything that appears bad on the surface, something good can always be brought out of it. This good I speak of, is fulfilling so many female (and male!) fantasies without having to do any more effort on your part. Imagine it! What you thought was a mere night of bliss which would end as soon as you exited into the streets could now turn into financial gains and happy women the world over! You want people to be happy, don’t you, Josh?
Please don’t think that I’m pressuring you. I’m merely trying to open your mind to magnificent mass sexual satisfaction that you could give to women without risking severe mortal exhaustion from physical attempts at this feat. I’m only thinking of your best interest.
I think you know the right decision in this situation (do it.), so I will I close with an earnest plea from a dear friend:
“I emplore you to do this good and noble deed for women everywhere.”
Hoping and praying to see your penis on-screen soon,
Venus Vegas
PS - Should you feel more effort IS necessary, I will gladly make good use of you. I have included a pic to illustrate our potential happiness together.
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This morning’s celebrity sex tape rumor involves one Josh Hartnett. While I’m not really a fan, I welcome the possibility of a celebrity sex tape that would star someone I’ve heard of or have any interest in seeing having the sex. It sounds like Mr. Harnett and an unidentified woman didn’t notice security cameras and put on quite a show for hotel employees.
I am also very excited to hear that the rumored act takes place in a library! Good choice, Mr. Hartnett. Chicks dig dudes who feign interest in great works of literature. Plus, nothing beats being fucked from behind up against the stacks…
Red Light District, the folks that are responsible for my having seen China (Joanie Laurer) take it in the ass, have offered half a million dollars for the right to distribute the tape. I’m guessing it will never come to light because Hartnett probably doesn’t need the money or publicity, unlike the numerous “reality stars” I’ve never heard of who have had tapes “leaked.” Unless he’s trying to prove something…
Like the importance of supporting your local library.
And I know you’re curious, so click here to check out our Celebrity Sex Tapes.
(via AVN)
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The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency has another former porn star in the house this year! We just confirmed that Martin (York Hubbard) can be seen in scene six of Boyride Films The Big Swell. So those of you who want to see another reality star get bent over, now’s your chance.
Queerclick also did a quick piece about Martin modeling for Cruiser Boys. Looks like he’s been busy!
Martin isn’t the first boy with a porn past to appear on the reality show and I’m sure he won’t be the last. Regardless of his past, it should be interesting to follow his story and see how being deaf affects modeling. I’m sure it makes living with Dickinson easier…
Anyways, here’s a dirty picture of this handsome bottom
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I was seven years old when the Amy Fisher scandal came to a head. Seven! I was a pretty informed child and a big fan of In Living Color, so I had a basic understanding of what was going on. I knew the following things to be true: someone did something bad, someone got shot, and people in Long Island in the early ’90s were a frightful bunch - and I grew up in a trailer park. A classy trailer park.
Flash forward to October 2007 - Amy’s out of jail and living a happy, married life. Apparently, her husband sells a sex tape of the couple to Red Light District, Amy files a lawsuit, blah blah blah. After seeing this tape, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume they knew what was going on the whole time - but that’s just my opinion.
As far as the sex tape goes, it’s overall pretty bad. I think I was suddenly reverted back to 1992 and it was like stumbling upon a homemade sex tape of your parents’ creepy friends. Bad hair, bad dialogue, bad sex. The whole thing is kind of unsettling. First of all, Amy has the Fran Drescher thing going on - she looks good but sounds terrible. The pillow talk is weird and spoken with a heavy Long Island accent - Amy says at one point, “Yeah, that actually feels good.” She also refers to her husband as ‘Daddy’. There’s a lot of moaning and groaning on her part while she gives a handjob, and Daddy isn’t touching her. On the unintentional comedy scale, this would get a 9/10 - losing points only because of the fact that they probably took this very seriously.
I have to admit that the last scene was kind of sexy. The way he was throwing her around into positions that normal people use all the time - it was racy and arousing. There’s something very sexy about sex you can relate to - I don’t know about you, but I don’t use the piledriver on a regular basis and neither did they.
-M.
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Why am I not a millionaire for when these opportunities arise???
A 16mm film from the 1950s of Marilyn Monroe giving a blow job (bj recipient is unidentified) just sold for $1.5 million dollars. Risque! One of my fave ladies of yesteryear, plus porn, mixed with government conspiracies (supposedly the film was confiscated by the FBI in plans to use against one of the Kennedy’s) equals me wishing I was the proud new owner so I could add to my nudie-Marilyn Monroe memorabilia collection (which I do have).
Read more about it on AVN.com
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Here in the states tomorrow is Thanksgiving, so I’m using today’s review to talk about something I’m thankful for, Slyvester Stalone in porn. That’s right, it turns out that this urban legend is actually true. Before Rocky, Bridgette Neilson, and Rocky #47, Stalone strutted his stuff in a 70’s softcore flick originally titled “Party at Kitty and Stud’s.” The best part is that his mom encouraged him to take the role! Because this is a softcore title, there are traces of a plot, but mostly I just laughed by way through this film because of Sly. Anyways, if you want to see Rambo’s flaccid wang blowing in the wind as he plays what can only be a drug induced version of ring around the rosies, this movie is for you! Happy Turkey Day!
The Porn Librarian
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