Well, friends, it looks like Easter is here… and boy has the lord risen! At this point as a sex toy reviewer, I would say that all in all, I am fairly unflappable. You want me to try out that giant cock with 45 different vibration patterns? Sure, hand it over. You say you want me to shoot lube up my ass? Great, all I need is an instruction manual. Basically, I’m up for anything. So when I stumbled upon this amazing creature on the free-for-all that is the Internet, I just knew I needed to beg them for one to review. And luckily, the folks over at Divine Interventions were just as excited as I was! So, what is all the fuss about? Well, in honor of the impending holiday, I give you Jackhammer Jesus!
An amazing high quality silicone dildo, Jackhammer Jesus is a gorgeous 7 ½ inch cock with an impressive shaft that culminates in the most notorious of crucifixions. That’s right, this toy is one part dick and one part cross – featuring Jesus stuck on tight! Blasphemy never felt so fucking good!
And as you would expect from folks that would make such a toy, Divine Interventions went balls-to-the-wall and gave us a dil with the perfect diameter – a cool 1 ¾ inches. Plus we get a nice defined glans with the kind of ridges you preach about to your friends. Amen! Every curve to this dick is perfectly smooth and slides in (and out) with great ease. Add a little water-based lube and you’ll be on your knees, thanking the lord. I honestly don’t know which I am more in love with – the function or the form. This beautiful piece of shaped silicone is as awesomely orgasm inducing as it is breathtaking to behold. Christ on a cracker, I am smitten with this toy! It seriously feels like pure Heaven as soon as Jackhammer enters you ‘tomb.’
Along with Jackhammer Jesus, I am totally head-over-heels for Divine Interventions, the fabulously sacrilegious company that makes these toys. They are a small, independent group of artisans that offer up a ridiculously fun bunch of high-quality, body safe toys and clearly have an amazing sense of humor. Other toys they sell include the Baby Jesus Butt Plug and the Virgin Mary dildo. How could I not fall in love here? All their wares are made of 100% silicone, which is awesomely easy to clean and super safe for your body.
One of the things I love best about my Jackhammer Jesus is that you can tell that it’s handmade. You can see the seams and where Jesus is attached to the cross, which I think just adds to the charm and makes me feel like someone really put a ton of heart into creating something special. I received the marbled gold color, which it seriously beautiful, though you can choose from ten different colors, including glow in the dark! Whatever color you request, I have no doubt that you will be equally as pleased.
You have no idea how excited this Jew is to celebrate Easter this year! Fuck the egg hunt and the chocolate – I’ve got other plans!
