Oh, the holidays. That magical time of year where everyone gets together for quality time, gift giving and eggnog. While some of us have the luxury of staying home and creating our own traditions among friends and loved ones, others are making the trek back home to see family – which can be really wonderful and totally horrifying, all at the same time. Not that we don’t love our families, but let’s face it, family time and getting busy should never be in the same sentence. Who wants to forgo sex and jerking off and all that good stuff for as long as these trips can last?!? And they can definitely seem like forever…
So I’m taking this opportunity to give you some good tips for getting through the holiday season as sexually un-frustrated and with as much dignity as possible. And if you’re one of the lucky one that get to hang at home this time around, keep these tips in mind – you’ll inevitably need them someday.
First, lets talk about getting there. For some of us, getting home for the holidays means insanely busy airports. The last thing you want is to have some surly security guard dumping your bag to locate that “suspiciously shaped item” (read: dildo) in your carry-on. But that doesn’t mean your favorite toys need to be left home – heaven knows you’ll need a little stress relieving after dealing with the airport. Here are a few helpful hits for successfully traveling with your toys.
- If you’re thinking about taking any larger or phallic-shaped toys with you on a plane, you are better off stowing them in your checked luggage. Yes, you will probably get one of those “we went through your bag” papers in your luggage, but think of all the possibly mortifying situations at the metal detectors/security checkpoint that you get to bypass. So worth it!
- Before you pack your vibrators, be sure to take the batteries out and pack them separately. Not only will you stop your toy from accidentally turning on and causing the guards to give you a full cavity search (not always a bad thing…), but you avoid having the batteries burn out, which can be a much worse fate. Plus, packing the batteries separately ensures that your vibe will be out of harms way if the batteries leak. Nothing ruins an expensive and dearly loved toy faster than a bath in battery acid.
- Disguised vibrators are wonderful for travel situations. Whether they look like makeup compacts, pens, cell phones or even tubes of lipstick, these little vibes are nicely hidden to the naked eye, but can pack quite a punch to the naked bits. The Discretion Bullet is awesomely powerful and whisper quiet as well as super discreet, hence the name. These toys are also perfect to hide from nosy family members who go looking in your bags to “borrow socks” or whatever.
Ok, so now you are home and back in your childhood bedroom with mom and dad right down the hall. Or even worse, you’re relegated to the sofa. How’s a lady supposed to get off with all those thin walls?! Two words, my friend: quiet vibrators.
Even if you brave airport security and baggage handlers to keep your Hitachi Magic Wand within arms reach, don’t think you’re necessarily in the clear to plug and play. Let’s be honest here, that sucker could wake the hearing-impaired, 90-year-old woman down the block – and that’s on the low setting. Times like these call for stealth, super quiet toys to get you making some noise of your own (but only a little, shhhh!).
Vibes like the Silent Pocket Rocket are right on the money. Small and silent (the name says it all), this toy may as well be sold at the airport it’s so perfect for these situations. And, of course, the Discretion Bullet. I really can’t say enough good stuff about this vibe. It’s whisper quiet, tiny, and inconspicuous. The triple threat of covert coming.
And if you can’t get your hands on a vibe that’s quiet enough, it becomes all about improvisation. Try turning up the dial on the radio or muffling the vibrations with a pillow to quiet down. Or hit the bathroom and get a little playtime in while you run a bath. Even better if your toy is waterproof!
Oh, and we can’t forget our five-fingered friends! The quietest, most incognito – not to mention cheapest – toy is your hands. And they leave your luggage open to bring another pair of shoes. Score!
We must remember that some people are bringing their partner/significant other/spouse/fuck buddy with them. Along with all the uncomfortable family interactions, the sleeping arrangements can put a damper on any ho ho horniness. Whether you are bunking together or tiptoeing around the house for secret meetings, here are a couple of tried and true tips for home for the holidays nookie navigation.
Stuck fucking in a twin bed? Try new positions. While you might not be able to get as creative as you would in your own house, take this opportunity to challenge each other to figure out positions that work in small spaces – kinda like the IKEA of sex. Have fun with it and just maybe you’ll find some new mind-blowing activity you never would have thought of otherwise. Or fuck the bed, use the floor. Just remember to lay the blankets on the floor underneath you to fend off rug burn and sore knees/backs/what have you.
Keep it down, will ya! Getting busy in a packed house means keeping the moans to a minimum. A pain in the ass, I know, but sometimes being forced to stifle yourself can make your sex even hotter.
No matter how you roll, be it getting your stocking stuffed or trimming your own tree, remember that a trip to your hometown does not need to be a dreaded event. Just be sure to have fun, keep it a Silent Night and make sure it’s not just Santa coming (to town).