This week we welcome local Dominant, the Masked Mistress, to offer up an insider look at the BSDM community and the role of a Dom in a Dominant/submissive relationship. To learn more about the submissive side of BDSM, check out last week’s column here.
When people outside of the scene think of Master or Mistress, the first image to come to mind may be a stern face welding a whip while clad in leather and surrounded by quizzical contraptions. While, in part, this is true because BDSM can include costume play, whips, and dungeons, the real force and intrigue of BDSM is mental pleasure.
The Dominant is responsible for providing the submissive with a safe place to explore their sexual and mental desires. This safe place is void of any judgment or shame despite the verbal play that may be occurring. In this tightly controlled environment, the submissive is freed of control and the Dom is freed through accepting said control. How is there freedom in BDSM? The answer is trust and communication. Since both parties want to be involved and are willing to give themselves completely to the experience, both parties get what they need.
In our society to give up control is practically unheard of and even frowned upon. We have been conditioned to always be in pursuit of a promotion, money, new object, or person. For the submissive, an opportunity to leave the rat race and place themselves in the hands of a Dom is their only source of release. Which leaves one to wonder…what motivates the Dom?
To find the answer, one must understand what a Dominant feels. I feel that submission is a gift that is not given easily and should not be handled lightly and have heard variations of this from other tops. As the Dominant, their control lays wholly in the fact that the submissive has absolute trust in their top. To know that another person is allowing you to guide them into a place they cannot reach alone is a beautiful and priceless experience.
As some know, in a world where trust and loyalty is a rare commodity, the dominant/submissive relationship is a relief. The Dominant, while guiding the experience, can never be overcome by their emotions and pleasure. The moment a Dominant goes past the expressed desires of the submissive or does not heed the safe word, they are no longer deserving of their position. I know this may sound harsh, but I feel it is crucial to stress the importance of “checking in” with your submissive during a session.
As an example let’s examine the fetish of rope bondage. While the submissive is bound and maybe gagged they will not be able to easily communicate their needs or discomforts. If the Dominant is not being watchful for any signs of distress, then the pleasure of giving up control can quickly turn into distress for the submissive. In this quick moment, the submissive stops being willing and becomes a real captive. If you would like a more detailed explanation of safe words and the importance of having one please refer to J.D. Bauchery’s article, as safe words are a staple in BDSM communications.
You may be wondering ‘how can embracing BDSM help me?’ The reasons of communication and claiming responsibility for your desires are on top of the list. In BDSM, both the Dominant and submissive must be frankly honest with what they are seeking. It is the Dominant’s responsibility to ensure they fully understand what is expected of them and to communicate what they are unwilling to do. Conducting an interview with perspective submissive is recommended. Do not hesitate to find out whom you are dealing with. Do you like the prospective submissive as a person? Do you feel that they are being honest with you? Do you want this person in your dungeon? If not, do not do it, as you may not be the right Dominant for them. All of these questions can be applied as guiding points for subs (also called bottoms) as well. Patience is a vital part of BDSM and should be employed when the time to select a top or bottom arises.
New Dominants or curious readers… do not do anything that you are not trained to do. It is true that the sound of the whip slicing the air can be intoxicating to a person in the scene. If the Dominant is not properly trained in the fetish being executed, serious bodily harm can occur. The Dom must be honest about what they know and if they have been trained. As a submissive if you do not trust a prospective Dominant, be sure not to place yourself under their whip! I know, all the ropes and chains look seductive and are a form of living art. However, the Dominant must be ever mindful of the fact that their submissive is a person and their bodies can be harmed during play. I do not say this to scare you, but to inform you being a Dominant is about taking responsibility for another person’s mental and physical health.
There are classes all over the country where trained BDSM artisans share their skills and teach anyone willing to learn. If going to an open forum class is not your thing, head to the bookstore or computer. One of my personal favorites is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. The book is an excellent introduction to the scene and even offers some basic ties for the emerging rope artist. Thankfully, the Internet is a valuable resource to find other people, teachers, or partakers of BDSM. I personally found a clip that teaches you how to make a strap-on from ropes and a dildo. People, you are not alone in your search for sources of alternative pleasure.
In a healthy Dom/sub relationship, the need to keep the Dominant in check should not arise. First, the Dominant should be in control of themselves at all times. Secondly, the Dom and submissive should have worked out every detail before the session commenced and should not be interacting if the communications were unclear. Finally, saying no to a Dom during session disturbs the power dynamics and the safe word is used instead. It is for this reason that a bottom should not just submit to any Master or Mistress they meet. Not every Dominant is the same and neither is every submissive. To ensure everyone is on the same pages…talk it out!!!
In the beginning I stressed the importance of training and now I must have a sidebar with people who are just starting to embrace their inner Dominant self. To earn the whip, you must feel the whip and this applies to any tool of BDSM. Unless you have been bound, gagged, whipped, or clamped do not do it to someone else. It is the Dominant’s responsibility to know what their submissive is experiencing every way. The golden rule of only doing to others what you would have done to yourself still applies despite the presence of dog collars and leather heels.
In the end the Dom/sub relationship can be a beautiful experience. Relax and explore the multiple fetishes that exist in the world until you find the right fit.
To explore your body and mind is your human and sexual right…so let the playing begin!!!
Masked Mistress
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