This week, I’ve been moping around the HotMoviesForHer offices because it seems like everyone’s in a relationship except for me. Even on my lunch break, I noticed everyone had a wedding ring or a lunch date or someone to wait for on the corner in hideous sandals. Listen, I’m not usually the type to whine and cry about not having someone (at least not the type to whine aloud) but it’s just EVERYWHERE.
I recently got out of a long affair that was hardly satisfying emotionally or sexually, so I feel like I’m ready for something solid. How am I supposed to find that if everyone is in a relationship?
Enter George Clooney.
George Clooney and Sarah Larson, his girlfriend of about a year, have officially split up. Yes! George must’ve felt my lonely vibes and gave her the boot. You see, George and I are soulmates. This may be hard to believe, but I have some cold, hard facts that support my case:
- George Clooney is an older man. I have an old soul. We should mate.
- He won an Academy Award for his role in Syriana. It’s my ultimate goal in life to win an Academy Award.
- He starred in ER when I was considering a career in the medical field. He went on to direct, produce, and star in Good Night and Good Luck – and as a journalism major at the time of its release, I knew it was for me.
- He recently released Leatherheads, co-starring John Krasinski of NBC’s The Office, which is the basis for why I get up and go to work in the morning.
- George Clooney is really good friends with Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt’s birthday is the day before mine, which means we’re probably like-minded (according to the stars, at least). I bet this means Brad Pitt would feel the same way I would about a threesome with my soulmate and his friend.
- George Clooney has a great sense of humor (to the point of being self-deprecating in interviews) – and I know you’ll agree that I do, while you’re all laughing at this very serious post.
The list goes on, but I won’t disgust you with our love. The bottom line is this: if I seem a little quiet lately, it’s because I’m so busy moving my stuff to California and learning to not get sick on motorcycle rides that I don’t have time to blog. I’m sorry, loyal readers (Porn Librarian, J.D. and Venus) – but can you blame a girl?
-M.
P.S. On the off chance that George Timothy Clooney would ever read this, I’m not crazy so you can probably skip the restraining order. However, an e-mail and/or an autographed picture wouldn’t hurt.
Main Theater
Hetero TheaterLesbian Theater Queer Theater Gay Male Theater
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
George is fucking mine. WE are soulmates because:
1. He is the intern on gofugyourself.com. And I read gofugyourself daily like a bible.
2. He is hot. I like hot men.
3. The original Ocean’s 11 was one of my favorite movies. Then he starred in the new Ocean’s 11, 12, and 13. He heard my prayers and blessed me thrice.
4. He is older. I am older than you. Age calls dibs.
George is no Shai Labeouf. And may I add that it appears Brad Pitt is still hung up on a former fling and may not be ready for a 3 some. JUST SAYIN’
I’d totally make out with G. Clooney. I’d make out with him so hard. Then I’d cut his face off and make it into a skin mask to wear to bed.
whoah.
George, for the record, I just want to make out with you. No cutting
Here’s hoping Brad brings Angelina and someone brings a camera.
[...] & Jerry’s, a box of Kleenex, and rom-coms (and a gratuitous serving of Brad Pitt, sorry George) and read the love letters of great men online. I’m with Big on that – Beethoven really got [...]