Often when I get ready to write one of my adventures in online dating, I’m reminded that I’m just another seeker on this big ol’ journey and I’m not absolutely certain about how I’m getting to my destination, let alone how you should get to yours. Then I remember I like to type like I know everything and I forget about pretenses of modesty. So onward, my brave adventurers, to the next installment!
So at this point, I’ve been buzzing around my dating site of choice for a bit and while I’ve had a few dates I’ve also struck out more than a few times (I think I even scared one guy so badly that he deleted his profile! Seriously, there’s no love for aggressive women on or offline). And in the process of striking out over and over and over again (remember the cuties that I missed out on contacting, well one came back and still isn’t interested) I’d attempt to help some other OkCupid users with similar problems. In the process I learned a few things.
Here’s the crux of it – absolutely everyone wants a super hottie and online with the shield of anonymity (and the possibility that in some cases she might be a bot) no one feels the need to limit themselves the way they would in real life. This causes about a million and a half people to run off and complain because “everyone online is shallow,” (girls) or because “girls only like muscle bound jerks,” (guys).
Well I know this kind of sad rejection and bewilderment, as wave after wave of uber hotness has failed to reply to my opening salvos of ‘oh my gods you’re smoking hot.’ I kid, I never say that, but I do think it as I craft 90% of my first messages. After all, a big part of the reason I started online dating was to give myself permission to be unabashedly shallow at first and then let them grow on me (it doesn’t work so good in reverse for me) so why would I shoot for the middle ground? I shouldn’t and there’s no reason for anyone else to shoot for a level they know they can reach either. Which would probably be why so many of my messages go unanswered and why I send out so many rejections to guys whose opening messages read like this: “whats up am new on her so don`t have a pic 2 show u but u pic sexy email me,” actual message (barfs quietly).
So what’s the solution? Should you shoot a little lower for a while and hope someone that doesn’t actually make you drool, replies? Well that’s one way of upping your success quotient and I’ve told many a guy on the forums that’s exactly what they should do, but I have a very good reason for that. You can have a forty year old male who chose the screen name Welfaredaddy trying to hit on a 30 year old goddess who has the body of a supermodel and the mind of a scholar, with a line exactly like the one I quoted about – basically men have little grasp of reality sometimes and can actually need someone to step in and say ‘dude, not gonna happen.’ Often I’m not even sure if these guys are truly aware when the ‘woman’ they’re hitting on is a real living entity and not a machine so compelling they’re ready to take the chance of being charged out the nose for some webcam time.
Women rarely have that kind of problem for several reasons, one big one being that women rarely go looking for a ‘date’ and mean ‘just sex, any sex.’ Women are also less likely to get into an “I’ve struck out so many times I need a win to keep my stats up’ mentality so keep right on aiming high and hopefully you’ll eventually end up meeting someone who makes you weak in the knees on first sight. Hopefully, I apparently have very odd taste because I can count on one finger the number of profiles that made me jump up all eager on first sight.