Masterwhat?

We’ve written a bunch so far about May being Masurbation Month, and while I love love love masturbation, I can’t say that I really like the word ‘masturbate’ or use it all that often.  I’m a writer and more than anything, words get me going, so when it comes to talking sexy about self lovin’, ‘masturbation’ just doesn’t make the cut.  I’d much rather go with all the fantastic euphemisms that really get down to the heart of the matter… alright fine, they make me grin and giggle and generally put my mind in the gutter, where it belongs. So, to celebrate the month and keep my thought pervy, I complied a list of my favorite ways to talk about solo lady love: 

A night in with the girls – Auditioning the finger puppets – Beat the beaver – Beating around the bush – Bisecting the triangle – The ole feel n’ squeal – The two-fingered tango – Visiting Rosy Palms and her five sisters – Tiptoe through the twolips – Buttering your bagel – Checking for the jackpot – Womanipulation – Whipping your cream – Hanging out at the Y – Rubbin’ your nubbin’ – Checking my oil – Cleaning between the camel’s toes – Buffin’ the muffin – Coming into your own – Composing on the single key piano – Burro ride through Grand Canyon – Feed the beaver – Fiddle with your middle – Bushwhacking – Fingerbating – Copping a clam – Buttering up the whisker biscuit – Diddle my skittle – Banging the box – Buffing the bead – Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp – Coaxing the turtle out of her shell – Jerkin’ your merkin – Jillin’ off – Jocelyn Eldering – Lovin’ your oven – Cunt cuddling – Carpet bumping – Churning butter – Clam bake for one – Diddling the bean – Double clicking the mouse – Cradle the cooch – Cuddling the kitty – Digging for clams – Engaging in safe sex – Engaging in a hot button issue – Flickin’ the bean – Diving for pearls – Doing the two-finger slot rumba – Entering the ring of fire – Paddling the pink canoe – Polishing the pearl – Playing the slots – Excavating the Tunnel of Love – Exploring the bush – Fluff your muff – Going fishing with the man in the boat – Going solo – Hand to gland combat – Having sex with someone you love – Menage a moi – Mistressbate – Muffin buffin’ – Paddling the finger canoe – Petting the kitty – Petting the pussy – Rubbin Hood – Rubbing one out – Searching for Ms. “G” – Sending Muffin Morse Code – Sexercising – Taking advantage of yourself – Teasing the kitty – Tending your own garden

This is by far not a comprehensive list or anything like that.  They are just the ones that I think are awesome, and I know there are a ton of other hilarious/hot euphemisms I would love, so if you know any good ones that aren’t on the list, comment away! 

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

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