At Least My Vibrators Don’t Judge Me

Are you my Prince Charming?

I think that porn is potentially ruining my social life.

That sounds harsh, I know. Before you light your torches, put glitter on your protest signs and MapQuest directions to my home, let me explain.

I’ve always been really loud and open. I don’t scare easily and I never understood boundary lines. I was always the one to “kiss and tell”; anyone in my social circle could be subjected to intimate details of my sex life at any given moment because that’s what was on my mind and I wanted to talk about it. My icebreakers include anal sex and masturbation habits. Inappropriate doesn’t even begin to describe me – and that’s without alcohol.

The thing is, I never saw it that way. I was just raised in a very open family where no topic was taboo. Even before my lucrative career began, people assumed I was some kind of harlot. (Ironically enough, I went to college a virgin and it wasn’t too long ago that I bought my last book, so it’s not like I’ve climbed Mount Everest sexually.)

Recently, I was introduced to a friend-of-a-friend’s boyfriend, whom I had never met before. We exchanged pleasantries and made casual small talk and he asked, “So what do you do?” My friend laughs and I feel the need to explain.

“Oh, I work for an adult company in new media and marketing. I read, write, review, and sell porn.”

He laughs. “For some reason, I knew you’d say something that had to do with sex. I just knew it.”

I don’t know what that means. When I started in the industry, one of my best male friends sent me a congratulatory text that read, “Ur in porn! This is just like before I got to know u – I thought u were in porn.” Mostly I assume that these are backwards compliments and that I obviously just have a certain je ne sais quoi and I ooze sexiness.

Here’s my issue: I’m actually really boring privately. I watch a lot of (non-porn) movies and read a lot of non-sexy books. I’m clumsy. I get wet for American history. I like quiet nights in as opposed to wild nights out. I get really into watching sports and I’m pretty sure I could beat most people on Jeopardy. But someday, I really want to go the Bunny Ranch with my partner.

It’s not like I’m trying to publicize my life in porn; in fact, most of the time I tell people I work for a “small dot-com company in new media” and that’s that. It’s just that they sense something about me that I can’t see in my evenings in sweatpants reading The Federalist Papers while SportsCenter is on in the background – even after I’ve just tried a new toy.

There are tons of social networking sites that cater to people’s specific needs, especially in adult. Yesterday I found out about MyFreeImplants.com, a social networking site that hooks up girls who want implants with “benefactors” who want to pay for them! Hell, I’ll take some free implants. There’s AFF and XAdultSpace.com, and there are social networking sites for people with STDs – but where’s the site for people who love dirty porn and dirty talk and staying in on a Friday night?

There’s an old episode of MTV’s True Life about porn, and Chloe does an interview where she talks about fantasizing about normal things like kissing and taking bubble baths. That’s what I’m talking about! I’m somehow missing out on those things and skipping right to the part where some guy is whispering in my ear, “I bet you can suck the chrome off a bumper with those DSLs.” I shouldn’t have to consult the Urban Dictionary when it comes to sweet nothings. (For the record, DSLs are Dick Sucking Lips. I bet that’s how Brad scored Angelina.) How does this happen?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not breaking up with porn. I love our public relationship. I love every minute we spend together and I definitely enjoy our hot nights.

I just think we should try swinging.

-M. 

20 thoughts on “At Least My Vibrators Don’t Judge Me”

  1. Pingback: Sugasm #131
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  3. Who needs porn?…….wait actually I do need it. I’ve broken up with porn for long periods of time to reduce my tolerance to it – and then had it return into my life with vengeance. I guess you can’t turn your back on porn if its your job – but its sometimes necessary or else you become over stimulated and few things turn you on. Atleast thats my experience.

  4. Porn is great…and your blog post was hot! You should add my social network to the list though as it’s so much better than XAdultSpace. If you want a place to go and talk dirty to men or women, check us out.

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