I like classic porn.  Sure, it may be grainy, and yes, sometimes the sound doesn’t totally match up to the visuals, but there is something about a dirty movie that was made in the ‘70s that always warms my heart.  As a big queer feminist that rallies for sex-positive, female-focused porn, it’s true that classic movies don’t always sync up with my values, but for the most part, I am willing to retract my claws and just let the past be the past, and enjoy it for what it is.

Take ‘Love On The Beach,’ a ‘70s Grindhouse remaster.  Sure, they’ve just met on the cable car, but Carol is thrilled when Robert asks to walk her home, and even more excited when he mentions taking a trip to the beach, but only on the condition that she makes them lunch.  Yeah, my feminist hackles went up.  Dude, make your own damn sandwich.  And Carol, that guy could be Ted Bundy! Get to know him first!  I need to remind myself that first, this is the ‘70s, where life wasn’t quite so scary (except Ted Bundy was doing his thing in the ‘70s…), and second – this is PORN! I need to just chill out and watch the sexin!

Before any sexin’ happens, they pair strip down and play on the beach, which is pretty cute.  I will admit that my first thought was ‘if you were anywhere near San Francisco, that beach would be downright FREEZING,’ but instead of worrying about that, I focused on their real, hot bodies frolicking in the sea foam.  They look so excited and happy to be alive… and horny.  Soon they are in the sand getting busy.

Unlike most porno, these lovers take their time, caressing each other and lying together naked.  Carol goes into a super scary flashback of her last sexual encounter, which was an intense, violent sexual assault.   While I’ll admit that yes, it kills the mood, I’m glad they brought it up.  Porn never brings up sexual assault, so I think it’s empowering that this movie goes there… even if it is in a particularly graphic and uncomfortable scene.  As soon as that is finished, Robert goes into his own flashback, detailing his last sexual encounter, which was less than awesome (though not traumatizing like Carol’s).

Finally, a little more than half-way through this 50 min movie the action begins to heat up.  They continue to caress and kiss, moving to his hands on her pussy and her mouth on his cock – both with lovely close ups.  And then they fuck right in the sand (something I find horrific – you do not want sand anywhere near your pussy!), which comes off as super sexy and totally romantic.  They end with a delicious lunch and even more sex.

While this review was a little bit of a downer, I know, the movie was pretty decent and left me feeling like I watched something different than just straight up porno.

Watch “Love On The Beach – Remastered Grindhouse Edition” Now!

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