“I have looked these multiple terms, but there is no better way than to get a clear definition and/or insight than from a professional.  What is the difference between Bisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual, and Queer. I am at a lost.”

Ah, labels.  Some people hate them, while others cannot live without.  When it comes to the taxonomy of relationships, the language of labels can be a little on the tricky side.  In fact, it can be downright confusing. What makes it all so difficult is that folks relate to one another in such nuanced ways that the smallest details count when talkin’ definitions.  So, with that, let’s take a look at these four terms and see how they are both different an similar.

Before we get down to the nitty gritty, let me just say that these terms can definitely be confusing, especially because there are many definitions and folks don’t usually agree on one.  This is my take on the whole thing.

1) Bisexual means that a person has the potential to be attracted sexually emotionally and/or romantically to both men and women.  Bisexuality is couched in the notion that there are only two sexes and doesn’t leave room for there to be folks that identify as anything other than male or female.  Many folks assume that bisexual means that a person is attracted to men and women equally, but I don’t believe that is always the case.

2) Pansexual means that a person has the potential to be attracted sexually, emotionally and/or romantically to all types of folks, regardless of biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, orientation, etc.  This leaves room for folks who identify outside of the male/female binary, including trans and gender variant folks.

3) Polysexual, on the other hand, means that a person has the potential to be attracted sexually, emotionally and/or romantically to many types of folks, but not necessarily all.  It too leaves room for folks who identify outside of the male/female binary, including trans and gender variant folks.

4) When it comes to Queer, the definition is very tricky because there really are so many ways that folks define the term for themselves and their lives.  I can only give you my definition of queer and some resources to take a look at what other people say.

To me, Queer is an identity that really works as an intersection of sexual/romantic/emotional desires and lifestyle.  Yes, queer folks have the potential to be attracted sexually, emotionally and/or romantically to all types of folks, regardless of biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, orientation, etc., but it’s more than just that.

To me, being queer is about making a proud/loud statement against heteronormativity, gender binaries and assimilation.  Queer doesn’t just leave room for everyone on the gender continuum (as well as everyone who does not identify as part of the continuum), it readily embraces all gender identities, gender expressions, biological sexes, etc.  Sure, you could say that someone who is Pansexual could identify as Queer, and someone who is Queer could identify as Pansexual, but again, I believe that Queerness is more than just who you wanna sleep with – it’s a political statement, an outward way to let folks know that you acknowledge that there is way more than a gender/sex binary and a way of life for many folks.

Phew, that was a big definition.  And specifically my own definition.  Do you have any other definitions or ideas you’d like to contribute?  Comment away!

xoxo
-JD

1. Latex or Non-latex (Polyurethane and Lambskin)  – One of the first things you need to decide is whether or not you’re going to use a latex or non-latex condom.  Latex condoms are the most common, but many people are allergic to them.  If you find that products made from latex irritate your skin, you don’t want that stuff coming in contact with your goods.  Polyurethane condoms are thinner, which could mean more sensation, but they’re not quite as flexible as latex.  Which one to use is based on your preference and skin situation.  *Spermicidal lube/nonoxynol 9 – I haven’t seen proof that this stuff works, but have seen tons of evidence that this causes unhappy vaginas.  I have also read reports of this stuff encouraging the spread of HIV.

2. Lubricated?  Many condoms come lubricated.  While I love lube and encourage using it, I tend to encourage people to use non-lubricated condoms along with their preferred water-based lubricant.  All bodies are different, but often times people have adverse reactions to the lube used on condoms.  You never know what you’re getting – glycerin, parabens or other chemicals that might cause adverse reactionse.  Go with a lube you are comfortable with.  Always use water-based or silicone-based lubricant!  Oil-based varieties break down condoms.  In addition, never use oil-based lube because it is difficult to wash from the vagina and in turn causes infections.  Here’s the rub – I have yet to find a non-latex condom that is non-lubricated.

3. Size – Condoms come in about 1 trillion different sizes and shapes.  Which one works best for you is based on his penis size and again, preference.  There are “regular” sized, large and slight variations among the different brands.  Some men choose the bigger condoms because they find the regular size to be too tight.  As long as you can smooth the condom down his cock and get all of the air bubbles out, you’re good.  Working out any air bubbles is a must as they can cause the condom to tear easily!  When it comes to the ribs, ridges and bumps it is up to you as to what you tickles your fancy.  Some people swear that texture makes all the difference while others feel nothing at all.

4. Flavored and Scented – No.  Just, no.  When you start adding flavors and scents to products you start adding for chemicals that are genuinely not good for your vagina.  There is a good chance you’ll have some sort of reaction to that blueberry blast flavored meat sheet.  Feel free to enjoy all of the fun you can stand with tastes and smells, but do it far away from your pussy!  One thing I do want to point out (that really doesn’t have anything to do with this is subject at all): Vegan condoms exist.  I had no idea.

I hope this helps in with choosing the right condom for you!

Love,

Ginger

A submissive, or sub, in a D/s sex act or relationship submits by choice to the will of their dominant partner – all consensually. The role of a dominant (dom) is the opposite – to willingly dominate their partner. Ways of dominating and submitting can include bondage, all kinds of pain and impact play, humiliation and so much more.

[I really can’t stress enough that BDSM is all consensual and a willing act on both sides. If it is not consensual, then it is problematic and not part of BDSM culture.]

While it might seem that the dom would have all the power in this set up, it’s actually the sub who should be holding the reigns.  How does that work, you ask?  Well, here are four tips that keep a sub empowered and safe, and generally help create a safe and consensual BDSM environment.

1)      Communication is KEY.  Before you even pull out the flogger, all the people that are in the scene should negotiate what ways they would like to play, what they do not want to do, any limitations they have, what kinds of sensations they enjoy/do not enjoy, and more.  There needs to be a clear boundary of what can and cannot happen, and each person’s limits.

2)       Safe Word.  Before getting into it, be sure that everyone in the scene agrees upon a specific word that anyone can say to stop the action.  Pick a word that you wouldn’t normally hear in a sexy situation, like “Alaska,” or “Pineapple.”  So when that word is spoken, everyone knows to stop.  You can also use traffic signal colors as a code – green for go, yellow for slow down/check in, red for stop now.  Whatever you choose, it’s best not to pick a word like “Stop” or “No” because they could easily be said as part of the playing. As well, if you are playing in a way that can become non-verbal, make sure to have signs or sounds to signal “stop.”

3)      Never hesitate to stop the scene if you think that anything that is happening may be dangerous to you.  An example would be if you were enjoying some impact play and your top started hitting you in no-hit zones, like the joints and kidney area.  You can’t always assume that a top will know how to play safely (though before playing, they really should know how to safely use the instruments they are wielding), and it’s everybody’s responsibility to speak up.  This is supposed to be fun and hot, after all, not something that lands you in the hospital with critical injuries.

4)      Make sure you trust who you are playing with.  Sure, it may seem like a “duh” tip, but really, a sub is totally vulnerable in a D/s situation, and it’s important to know and trust who is on the dominating end.  One good measure that you can use to get a sense of your trust for someone else (taking the sexual tension part out of it all) is, would you give that person a key to your car or your house?  Do you feel safe with them out of a scene?  Just something to think about.

Remember, these are only four tips our of tons and tons of them, so be sure to do your own research prior to playing!

xoxo
-JD

1) Rechargeable toys!  In the past few years, sex toy manufacturers have caught on that consumers are ready to toss their batteries in favor of toys that charge up over and over again.  Not only does it end up costing us less money (no batteries needed = no extra cost for those batteries), but it means that the landfills lose out on a whole bunch of old, dead batteries.  With less cost in the long run (the toy may be a little more $), less waste and usually a better quality product, the only downside is that you’ll have yet another electrical cord to have to look after.

2) Eco-Friendly sex toy materials.  While we’ve already gone over awesome toy materials, I want to reiterate how great they are for the environment as well.  Toy that are made of wood, glass, stainless steel and silicone are all super sturdy and will last a long, long, long time with proper care.  Unlike cheap toys that will fall apart easily, these toys result in less trash overall.  Plus they are all totally body safe – which is hugely important!

3) Take advantage of what’s around the house.  While buying new toys is fun, why not use what you already have?  Ice is a perfect sex toy for those folks who like temperature play and neck ties and silk scarves make great blindfolds and restraints.  Heck, even the faucet in the tub can be used to work yourself into a frenzy!  But don’t forget the cheapest and easiest sex toy of all – your hands!

4) Be mindful of where you are and what resources you are using.  Like getting busy in the car?  Make sure it’s turned off, with the air conditioning cut as well.  Really into shower sex? Have yourselves a hot quickie under the water, then move it to the bed to save on water. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, but all those little wasted resources add up to make a negative impact on our environment.  Have fun, but keep that in mind!

We hope you all had a safe and sexy Earth Day!

1) Shower sex!  While winter shower sex doesn’t work for us (my partner and I have two different ideas of hot water), summer shower sex is awesome because the water falls between luke warm and freezing.  Instead of trying to wrestle for the prime air conditioned location, get naked and do it upright in the shower.  Or, if that doesn’t appeal so much to you, hop in the freezing water, then dry off and jump into bed.  At least then your bodies will feel chilled by the ac and hotter to each other.

2) Cool it down with a little ice.  Bringing ice into the bedroom is a perfect way to play with temperature.  I say ice instead of the commonly thought of ice cream because no one wants to deal with a disgusting sticky bed after the sex.  Trust us.  Plus, sugar and vaginas do not play well together, and the mix could lead to unpleasant infections.  Tracing an ice cube over your partner’s hot body will definitely add a thrilling chill to the action.  Or you can even just suck on the ice and then lick their sensitive bits.  Yum!

3) Temperature friendly toys.  When it comes to cooling a toy down fast and easy, the best results come from toys made of glass and 100% stainless steel.  And I’m not talking about just randomly grabbing a piece of glass in your house or anything – I mean actual sex toys made of shatterproof glass and 100% stainless steel.  Both materials cool off quickly in a bath of ice water and stay nice and cold until your body heats them up.  Plus, you only need a drop or two of lube to keep them nice and slick.

4) Embrace the sweat!  It can definitely be difficult when you are hot and sticky before you even get started, but try to think of sweat as the perfect full body lube that keeps you frictionless against each other.  Heck, maybe even take advantage of how slippery you are a have a little slick wrestling match to get yourselves in the mood.  Soon you will forget all about feeling hot and gross!

Who’s ready for some lemonade and a hand job?

xoxo
-JD

Make sure you are connected to your partner before the clothes come off.  Sure, it may sound hokey to some, but spending a few minutes snuggling with your partner or looking into their eyes to make sure you feel close to them can mean a world of difference when you are getting busy.  Even taking a moment or two to just talk before jumping into the sex might just help reignite the passion.

Utilize your five senses.  Sometime it is easy to forget that sex is a full body experience.  While we usually have our genitals and mouths involved, it’s easy to overlook all of the delicious smells, tastes, sights, textures and sounds that bodies make.  If you find yourself drifting away in thought or distracted by something unrelated, try focusing on one of your senses to bring your head back into the game.  A great example of this would be to focus on all the sounds that are happening while you are giving your partner oral sex.  Slurping, moans, the sounds of their hands on the sheets, your hands on their thighs – there is so much to hear!

Engage your brains.  Sex can be so physical sometimes that we let our minds wander around a bit while our bodies are going at it.  To stay present in the moment, try engaging your brain with a little dirty talk or role playing to keep you in the moment.  Having you thinking on your toes will keep you grounded and present with what is going on.

Talk to your partner.  Keep the lines of communication open within your relationship and let your partner know what’s going on inside your head.  Yes, it may be a difficult conversation to have, but they might be able to help ground you when you feel disconnected and distracted.  Maybe come up with a code word or phrase that will stop the action and allow you to get re-centered.  Interrupting the act may feel awkward, but in the long run, it can help you feel less flighty when you are getting busy later on down the line.

Now that sexy costumes have really become the norm for Halloween, there are an abundance of skimpy character frocks in the shops – definitely way bigger of a selection than your average naughty lingerie or sex toy store’s year-round picks.  Here are a few great tips to send you on your way into the costume shop with confidence and sex on the brain!

- Don’t forget the accessories.  Even if the full costumes are a little too heavy on the wallet, you can always pick up a few identifying details and use what you already have for the rest.  Have a police woman fantasy?  Grab a pair of handcuffs and a hat at the store, then just toss on some blue clothes you have at home. Done and done.

- Speaking of handcuffs, be very careful using the accessories you get at the Halloween store as  sex toys.  Sure, the handcuffs will keep your partner’s hands in one place, but they are not really intended for play and may cut or scrape their wrists or be uncomfortable.  Same thing goes for those “Indiana Jones” bull whips that the costume shop sells.  They are not the same thing as the whips sold at sex toy shops, and using them can result in injury and all sorts of other bad things.  If you are interested in playing with these toys for real, definitely check in with a reputable sex toy store (online or locally) and get the goods that are intended to get rough with!

- Think outside the box!  You and your partner may have a whole host of fantasies that are already flushed out and known to be winners when it comes to getting turned on, but when you actually get to the store, there will be costumes for characters you never even knew existed (sexy Ghostbuster?  Slimer fantasies!).  Maybe step away from your comfort zone and established fantasies and try a whole bunch of different identities (and costumes) on.  Just remember that the nothing will feel quite as sexy during the middle of the day in florescent-lit dressing rooms.  Expect that.

- Don’t worry that it’s late in the season.  I purposely wait until it’s nearly Halloween to send out this post because, while the costume shop is fully stocked in August, the deep discounts come out on November 1st.  I am a big fan of shopping the sales directly after a holiday and reaping the benefits.  Sure, you won’t have that sexy pirate costume for the big party, but that’s not what it was really for anyway, was it?

- And remember to have fun!  This is sex, after all, and it’s supposed to be exciting and hot!  Bring your partner to the store and have them pick out things for you to try on, or surprise them later with all the great finds you picked up.  Either way, have a very, very Happy Halloween… and all 364 other days of the year enjoying your new toys!

xoxo
- JD

In the spirit of sex positivity and welcoming in 2011, we’ve decided to switch things up a bit and redefine the most popular resolutions to make them a little more exciting, as well as offer up a few  tips on how to actually make them stick!  And who would we be if we didn’t make sure they focused on all things sexy and fun?!  So sit back, give a read and take it all to heart, because who has ever said they had a lousy year because of all the great sex they’ve been having?

Lose Weight/Go To The Gym – This isn’t about getting down to a specific size or shape.  Screw losing weight to fit into anyone else’s idea of what your body should look like. Being healthy is important though, both for your health’s sake and your sex life. Keeping fit ups your sex drive up, your stamina and your endurance, making those sexy sessions last longer and longer. And a bigger bonus is that sexin’ is a cardio workout of its own!  Yes you need more than just coital cardio, but there’s nothing wrong with a little multi-tasking when it’s all getting your heart pumping!

Learn Something New/Take Up A Hobby – Always wanted to learn a new skill? Now’s the time! Sure, you could take up knitting or cooking, but wouldn’t you rather learn how to give an amazing hand job? Even taking a seemingly tame class like knot tying (you know, for boats) can be brought back to your bedroom and really heat up these cold January nights. Make time for new discoveries that help you get to know yourself and figure out exactly what you enjoy. Finding new and exciting ways to get off is way better than cooking class any day.

Be More Assertive – Whether you are talking about your professional life, personal relationships or in bed, having your needs heard is very important.  Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want… even if you’re not totally sure you even want it. What I mean by that is to share your desires and fantasies. Even if you discover that you don’t, in reality, like being submissive, you’d never have found that out unless you got a chance to try. Of course it’s important to be respectful of your partner’s boundaries and own fantasies, but if you find yourself continuously giving and getting your own needs pushed to the side, here is the perfect time to test that assertiveness.  Plus, don’t forget that confidence is the sexiest thing ever!

Reduce/ Manage stress –Orgasms relieve stress. The more you get off, the more relaxed you feel. Whether it’s alone or with someone else – doesn’t matter how you cum, just cum!

Get Out of Debt – Sex is free… well, the legal kind at least. Instead of going out to dinner, movie, coffee, etc., have fun at home. Make a game of cards into strip poker or watch a movie you already have on DVD, but add a twist and make it a rule to lose an article of clothing at each specific point (like whenever Woody Allen stutters, or Jean-Claude Van Damme blows up a building). You’ll save money and have way more fun. Don’t have someone you want to play at home with? Try making dates at cheap places, like parks or free attractions, and maybe you’ll find that special someone(s) that you want to bring back for some free lovin’.

Get organized/Keep Your House Clean – A clean space is a relaxing space.  Nix the piles of clutter and mountains of laundry in your bedroom and you’re sure to have way more fun using that room for what it’s intended for – and I don’t mean sleep.  While you’re at it, how about organizing your sex toys into an easy access drawer right next to the bed?  Who wants to be rummaging around for a specific toy while they’ve got one hand on their (or someone else’s) bits!  That’s a boner killer if ever there was one!  On that note, why not make a full out drawer full of lube, condoms and everything you’d ever need – all within arm’s reach!  The easier it is to get it on, the more fun you’ll have!

Good luck with your resolutions and have fun making them stick!

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery

(picture via PR Musings)

I know, I know, getting’ busy in the great outdoors sounds like a fabulous idea.  And yes, in theory it is an awesome idea, but in practice there are some major logistical obstacles to navigate.  It may seem like I am being a Debby Downer, but try to think of me more as a Realistic Rhonda that wants to give you all the info before you end up with bug bites the size of silver dollars all over your bare bottom.

Luckily in the last few years we at HM4Her have written up some super helpful tips for getting through the summer with as few causalities as possible.  Check out our sage advice from summers past.

The Motion of the Ocean

Sex and water are one hot duo. Not only do you get that thrill of exhibitionism if you are in a public place (though try to keep it out of kid heavy areas, oh and um… it’s kinda illegal), you get to try out all sorts of new and exciting positions while you float nearly weightlessly through the water. Not too mention easy access through bikini bottoms and pulling the trunks down a bit! Tee Hee!

There is a little snafu though. It’s not the water that’s the problem, it’s what’s IN the water that makes for a questionable situation. Water than contains chlorine, salt, or bacteria can all pose risk of infection or irritation when it’s forced into the vagina during penetration and thrusting. That basically means all pools, lakes, oceans, rivers and Jacuzzis can mean risky business for getting down and dirty… um, literally.




Fun In The Sun

What are the two biggest things to remember when you’re doing strenuous activity in the hot summer sun? Stay hydrated and use plenty of sun block! Well, the same goes for getting busy on a sunshiney day. Make sure you have water on hand to keep the dehydration away and definitely go head to toe with the SPF! You really don’t want to have to explain to people why your ass is so sunburned you can’t sit down. Why not make the application part of the fun and rub each other down? It’s all about the protection, people. And let’s not forget about the bug spray…



My Name is Sandy… Sandy Vagina

Now, unless you go all out and super prepare for having sex on the beach, my two cents on the matter says don’t even bother. Sure it looks all romantic and swoony in the movies, but the cold, gritty reality is that sex on the beach means little grainy sand particles up in all your cervices. And I know I want nothing to do with that. The best way I’ve heard to combat the sandy dilemma is to go with a zippered sleeping bag. While it makes sense that most sand would stay out, I still see a few granules creeping in, so I’m a little hesitant. But for braver souls than I, definitely grab your camping gear out of the closet and hit the beach running.

Also, you are in public, no matter how secluded you think you are. If you’re planning to have sex on the sand, wear a dress and keep it on while you get it on. It’s way easier than having to scramble back into your sandy clothes if someone – particularly a cop – should wander your way.



Notes From Camp (by former HM4Her’er Essin’ Em)

First of all, may I please recommend you invest in a cheap air mattress. It doesn’t have to be fancy, even inflatable rafts will do. You’ll be very thankful I suggested this. No, really. The ground is HARD and air mattresses are also good for sleeping, as well as a sex-ing, so I give them a thumbs up.

As far as sleeping bags go, I thought I was pretty ingenious…I bought two cheap single sleeping bags and zipped them together to create a queen sized sleeping bag for the two of us to share. It was ideal both for sex and for cuddling without losing body heat to the cold outdoors. They make special “couples” sleeping bags, too. You can use your own personal bags as well — just think about how cold it’ll be at 11pm when you’re naked in the middle of the wilderness. Something to consider.

I’m speaking mostly about tent sex because I wasn’t ready to let spiders, ticks, or other creepy crawlies get anywhere near my vagina, and because I like to keep my vulva mosquito bite free. However, if you’re into to outdoor-outdoor sex, make sure you sprits on some bug spray (and perhaps sun block, depending on your timing) before you go at it, to protect yourself and your partner.




And Now For Some Brilliant Ideas!

- Ooooh, no air conditioning, huh? Not to worry, you can still fuck, though you’re slowly melting to death. Point a few fans on the bed and hop into the shower together on cold blast. Get started with a little hot foreplay in the freezing stream, then run back to the bed while you’re still shivering a little to get the full potential of the air from the fans hitting your dripping skin to keep it cold. Fuck. Rinse. Repeat.

- Or go straight to the source and fill a bowl with ice cubes. Run the little squares of delicious freezing over each other’s skin and enjoy the frigid thrill while you get decidedly unfrigid.

For more sexy summertime advice, take a look at our older posts!

xoxo
-JD

We know that sometimes there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. A busy schedule and mind can make it easy to fall into a rut without spending any time really enjoying our bodies. Luckily, it doesn’t take a ton of time or energy to make over your rubbing one out ritual. Check out these simple ways to bring the focus back to you.

- Add some lube to the mix. Even ladies that get extra wet can benefit from bringing a little slippery stuff to their solo lovin’. Lube gets everything slick right away, so even if there isn’t much foreplay, you can go from zero to ten at the drop of a hat.

- Sexify your space. Not many folks like getting down and dirty in a dirty room. Who wants to be reminded that they need to do laundry and organize that pile of bills while they try to relax and get off? Try to do a 10 minute pick up before you settle in for a sexy self love session. Set a timer for 10 minutes and try to get as much clutter put away as you can… or at least out of your sight. It’s not about spending hours creating a love den (thought that would be awesome); it’s just making a less distracting space for you to really relax and get your groove on.

- Speaking of creating a relaxing space, don’t be afraid to sexify your chosen jerk joint with candles, fresh flowers, perfumes or anything else that makes you feel frisky. Even after you’ve done the deed, the room will still feel like a special place – and that’s never a bad thing!
- As you are taking the few minutes to get your space looking fine, don’t forget to make sure you’re feeling just as sexy. Think about something you would do to get ready for an evening of fun with a lover, like putting on make-up, or racy underpants. Why not bring those rituals into sex with yourself? Get into the mood by making yourself feel extra sexy and glamorous. You totally deserve it.

- Go for the multiples. Many women are lucky enough to experience multiple orgasms in one sitting. Take advantage of that. You won’t be sorry!

- Break out the toys! When you are feeling stressed for time or even just lazy, it’s so much easier to just call on Rosie Palm and her five friends, even if a vibe you know gives you explosive orgasms is in a drawer across the room. Explore what kind of stimulation works for you and go for it! I mean, as long a one hand is free to untie yourself, why not get as kinky as you like?

- That said, try different positions too. Sure, porn has ladies spread eagle, lying on their backs, but that is just one way that women get off (and the best position to pick it up on camera). Hop up on your knees and go at yourself doggie style, or see if standing garners a ‘standing o.’ You’ll never find out what induces mind-blowing orgasms unless you experiment!

- And, of course, don’t forget about porn enhancing your erotic romp! It’s not just for dudes rocking the lotion and tissues… duh. : )

All in all, just remember to have fun!  Happy Masturbation Month!

xoxo
-J.D. Bauchery