Sex Tips

The other morning I received a great question in my mailbox and thought it would be a good one to share with you guys.

“I have looked these multiple terms, but there is no better way than to get a clear definition and/or insight than from a professional.  What is the difference between Bisexual, Pansexual, Polysexual, and Queer. I am at a lost.”

Ah, labels.  Some people hate them, while others cannot live without.  When it comes to the taxonomy of relationships, the language of labels can be a little on the tricky side.  In fact, it can be downright confusing. What makes it all so difficult is that folks relate to one another in such nuanced ways that the smallest details count when talkin’ definitions.  So, with that, let’s take a look at these four terms and see how they are both different an similar.

Before we get down to the nitty gritty, let me just say that these terms can definitely be confusing, especially because there are many definitions and folks don’t usually agree on one.  This is my take on the whole thing.

1) Bisexual means that a person has the potential to be attracted sexually emotionally and/or romantically to both men and women.  Bisexuality is couched in the notion that there are only two sexes and doesn’t leave room for there to be folks that identify as anything other than male or female.  Many folks assume that bisexual means that a person is attracted to men and women equally, but I don’t believe that is always the case.

2) Pansexual means that a person has the potential to be attracted sexually, emotionally and/or romantically to all types of folks, regardless of biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, orientation, etc.  This leaves room for folks who identify outside of the male/female binary, including trans and gender variant folks.

3) Polysexual, on the other hand, means that a person has the potential to be attracted sexually, emotionally and/or romantically to many types of folks, but not necessarily all.  It too leaves room for folks who identify outside of the male/female binary, including trans and gender variant folks.

4) When it comes to Queer, the definition is very tricky because there really are so many ways that folks define the term for themselves and their lives.  I can only give you my definition of queer and some resources to take a look at what other people say.

To me, Queer is an identity that really works as an intersection of sexual/romantic/emotional desires and lifestyle.  Yes, queer folks have the potential to be attracted sexually, emotionally and/or romantically to all types of folks, regardless of biological sex, gender identity, gender expression, orientation, etc., but it’s more than just that.

To me, being queer is about making a proud/loud statement against heteronormativity, gender binaries and assimilation.  Queer doesn’t just leave room for everyone on the gender continuum (as well as everyone who does not identify as part of the continuum), it readily embraces all gender identities, gender expressions, biological sexes, etc.  Sure, you could say that someone who is Pansexual could identify as Queer, and someone who is Queer could identify as Pansexual, but again, I believe that Queerness is more than just who you wanna sleep with – it’s a political statement, an outward way to let folks know that you acknowledge that there is way more than a gender/sex binary and a way of life for many folks.

Phew, that was a big definition.  And specifically my own definition.  Do you have any other definitions or ideas you’d like to contribute?  Comment away!

xoxo
-JD

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Recently, two of my friends asked me about choosing condoms.  One of which had a bad experience.  It always bums me out when the women (or anyone) I love have a less-than-satisfactory experience.  I was happy to advise and I thought it might be a good time to share a little information with you guys.  Keep in mind that this isn’t a “how-to,” but instead more of a “help with choosing.”  The right condom is obviously important to men, but women are just as affected by the type of protection used.  Yes, female condoms exist, but this post is focused on the penis covering kind.

1. Latex or Non-latex (Polyurethane and Lambskin)  – One of the first things you need to decide is whether or not you’re going to use a latex or non-latex condom.  Latex condoms are the most common, but many people are allergic to them.  If you find that products made from latex irritate your skin, you don’t want that stuff coming in contact with your goods.  Polyurethane condoms are thinner, which could mean more sensation, but they’re not quite as flexible as latex.  Which one to use is based on your preference and skin situation.  *Spermicidal lube/nonoxynol 9 – I haven’t seen proof that this stuff works, but have seen tons of evidence that this causes unhappy vaginas.  I have also read reports of this stuff encouraging the spread of HIV.

2. Lubricated?  Many condoms come lubricated.  While I love lube and encourage using it, I tend to encourage people to use non-lubricated condoms along with their preferred water-based lubricant.  All bodies are different, but often times people have adverse reactions to the lube used on condoms.  You never know what you’re getting – glycerin, parabens or other chemicals that might cause adverse reactionse.  Go with a lube you are comfortable with.  Always use water-based or silicone-based lubricant!  Oil-based varieties break down condoms.  In addition, never use oil-based lube because it is difficult to wash from the vagina and in turn causes infections.  Here’s the rub – I have yet to find a non-latex condom that is non-lubricated.

3. Size – Condoms come in about 1 trillion different sizes and shapes.  Which one works best for you is based on his penis size and again, preference.  There are “regular” sized, large and slight variations among the different brands.  Some men choose the bigger condoms because they find the regular size to be too tight.  As long as you can smooth the condom down his cock and get all of the air bubbles out, you’re good.  Working out any air bubbles is a must as they can cause the condom to tear easily!  When it comes to the ribs, ridges and bumps it is up to you as to what you tickles your fancy.  Some people swear that texture makes all the difference while others feel nothing at all.

4. Flavored and Scented – No.  Just, no.  When you start adding flavors and scents to products you start adding for chemicals that are genuinely not good for your vagina.  There is a good chance you’ll have some sort of reaction to that blueberry blast flavored meat sheet.  Feel free to enjoy all of the fun you can stand with tastes and smells, but do it far away from your pussy!  One thing I do want to point out (that really doesn’t have anything to do with this is subject at all): Vegan condoms exist.  I had no idea.

I hope this helps in with choosing the right condom for you!

Love,

Ginger

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In BDSM (which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism), a Dominance and Submission (D/s) relationship (I’m using the word relationship because all interactions are relationships in some way – I don’t necessarily mean an actual partnered relationship) is a consensual power exchange that includes one (or more) people to take on a dominating role and one (or more) people to take on a submitting role.

A submissive, or sub, in a D/s sex act or relationship submits by choice to the will of their dominant partner – all consensually. The role of a dominant (dom) is the opposite – to willingly dominate their partner. Ways of dominating and submitting can include bondage, all kinds of pain and impact play, humiliation and so much more.

[I really can’t stress enough that BDSM is all consensual and a willing act on both sides. If it is not consensual, then it is problematic and not part of BDSM culture.]

While it might seem that the dom would have all the power in this set up, it’s actually the sub who should be holding the reigns.  How does that work, you ask?  Well, here are four tips that keep a sub empowered and safe, and generally help create a safe and consensual BDSM environment.

1)      Communication is KEY.  Before you even pull out the flogger, all the people that are in the scene should negotiate what ways they would like to play, what they do not want to do, any limitations they have, what kinds of sensations they enjoy/do not enjoy, and more.  There needs to be a clear boundary of what can and cannot happen, and each person’s limits.

2)       Safe Word.  Before getting into it, be sure that everyone in the scene agrees upon a specific word that anyone can say to stop the action.  Pick a word that you wouldn’t normally hear in a sexy situation, like “Alaska,” or “Pineapple.”  So when that word is spoken, everyone knows to stop.  You can also use traffic signal colors as a code – green for go, yellow for slow down/check in, red for stop now.  Whatever you choose, it’s best not to pick a word like “Stop” or “No” because they could easily be said as part of the playing. As well, if you are playing in a way that can become non-verbal, make sure to have signs or sounds to signal “stop.”

3)      Never hesitate to stop the scene if you think that anything that is happening may be dangerous to you.  An example would be if you were enjoying some impact play and your top started hitting you in no-hit zones, like the joints and kidney area.  You can’t always assume that a top will know how to play safely (though before playing, they really should know how to safely use the instruments they are wielding), and it’s everybody’s responsibility to speak up.  This is supposed to be fun and hot, after all, not something that lands you in the hospital with critical injuries.

4)      Make sure you trust who you are playing with.  Sure, it may seem like a “duh” tip, but really, a sub is totally vulnerable in a D/s situation, and it’s important to know and trust who is on the dominating end.  One good measure that you can use to get a sense of your trust for someone else (taking the sexual tension part out of it all) is, would you give that person a key to your car or your house?  Do you feel safe with them out of a scene?  Just something to think about.

Remember, these are only four tips our of tons and tons of them, so be sure to do your own research prior to playing!

xoxo
-JD

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While we may have missed Earth Day (as the 22nd ended up on a Sunday this year), we know that folks are showing more and more interest in keeping their lives green year-round. To celebrate both a belated Earth Day, as well as that dedication, we thought we’d offer up our HotMovies4Her tips, tools and tricks for eco-friendly action and the greenest orgasms around.

1) Rechargeable toys!  In the past few years, sex toy manufacturers have caught on that consumers are ready to toss their batteries in favor of toys that charge up over and over again.  Not only does it end up costing us less money (no batteries needed = no extra cost for those batteries), but it means that the landfills lose out on a whole bunch of old, dead batteries.  With less cost in the long run (the toy may be a little more $), less waste and usually a better quality product, the only downside is that you’ll have yet another electrical cord to have to look after.

2) Eco-Friendly sex toy materials.  While we’ve already gone over awesome toy materials, I want to reiterate how great they are for the environment as well.  Toy that are made of wood, glass, stainless steel and silicone are all super sturdy and will last a long, long, long time with proper care.  Unlike cheap toys that will fall apart easily, these toys result in less trash overall.  Plus they are all totally body safe – which is hugely important!

3) Take advantage of what’s around the house.  While buying new toys is fun, why not use what you already have?  Ice is a perfect sex toy for those folks who like temperature play and neck ties and silk scarves make great blindfolds and restraints.  Heck, even the faucet in the tub can be used to work yourself into a frenzy!  But don’t forget the cheapest and easiest sex toy of all – your hands!

4) Be mindful of where you are and what resources you are using.  Like getting busy in the car?  Make sure it’s turned off, with the air conditioning cut as well.  Really into shower sex? Have yourselves a hot quickie under the water, then move it to the bed to save on water. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment, but all those little wasted resources add up to make a negative impact on our environment.  Have fun, but keep that in mind!

We hope you all had a safe and sexy Earth Day!

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Today’s sex tips are focused on one of my favorite acts in the entire world – pegging!  It is fun for me and my man, plus being the one to penetrate for a change is pretty amazing.  I could really go in depth with this one, which I will at some point, but for today you’re getting the quick and dirty info on pegging.

1.  All anal rules apply!  Warm up is a must.  Start small, breathe, relax and lucky for you, your body acts as the flared base so nothing will get lost in your partner’s butt.  I’ve said 1,000 times and I’ll say it 1,000 more.  LUBE!  Use it.  Go with a water based formula so you know it will be compatible with your strapped on cock.

2. Find equipment that works for both of you.  First and foremost, he should be comfortable with the size of the dildo that you are using.  It is his butt, so he gets to call the shots on that one.  Your job is to find a harness that works for you.  You would be surprised at how much this really matters.  First take your budget into account, then find a style that is right for you.  Do some research!  Some harnesses are too loose and sagging occurs.  There are a few different styles – G-string, jock strap and boy shorts.  Of course, there are a few unique varieties, but these are the main ones.  Again, a longer post to come!

3. Move slow and don’t be afraid to try out a few different positions.  Preferably, go with something that allows the glutes to relax.  All bodies are different, but people tend to enjoy lying flat on their tummies or on the backs the first time around.  Experiment.  Slowly.

4. Communicate!  This is good advice for all things sex, but when it comes to the backdoor, it is extremely important to make sure everyone is having fun and no one is in pain.

Happy pegging!

Love,

Ginger

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The weather is beginning to change here in Philadelphia, where we are located.  Today the temperature is in the 60’s, but tomorrow it could very well be 85 degrees!  That said, we know how the heat can really hinder getting hot and heavy with your honey (try saying that three times fast!).  We love temperature play as much as the next person, but non-consensual sweaty times is NOT ok with us – and even though the air conditioner helps, it can still be hard to muster the passion when all you want to do is lie flat and not move too much.  Here are 4 helpful tips for beating the summer heat and bringing your love life back to a roaring boil.

1) Shower sex!  While winter shower sex doesn’t work for us (my partner and I have two different ideas of hot water), summer shower sex is awesome because the water falls between luke warm and freezing.  Instead of trying to wrestle for the prime air conditioned location, get naked and do it upright in the shower.  Or, if that doesn’t appeal so much to you, hop in the freezing water, then dry off and jump into bed.  At least then your bodies will feel chilled by the ac and hotter to each other.

2) Cool it down with a little ice.  Bringing ice into the bedroom is a perfect way to play with temperature.  I say ice instead of the commonly thought of ice cream because no one wants to deal with a disgusting sticky bed after the sex.  Trust us.  Plus, sugar and vaginas do not play well together, and the mix could lead to unpleasant infections.  Tracing an ice cube over your partner’s hot body will definitely add a thrilling chill to the action.  Or you can even just suck on the ice and then lick their sensitive bits.  Yum!

3) Temperature friendly toys.  When it comes to cooling a toy down fast and easy, the best results come from toys made of glass and 100% stainless steel.  And I’m not talking about just randomly grabbing a piece of glass in your house or anything – I mean actual sex toys made of shatterproof glass and 100% stainless steel.  Both materials cool off quickly in a bath of ice water and stay nice and cold until your body heats them up.  Plus, you only need a drop or two of lube to keep them nice and slick.

4) Embrace the sweat!  It can definitely be difficult when you are hot and sticky before you even get started, but try to think of sweat as the perfect full body lube that keeps you frictionless against each other.  Heck, maybe even take advantage of how slippery you are a have a little slick wrestling match to get yourselves in the mood.  Soon you will forget all about feeling hot and gross!

Who’s ready for some lemonade and a hand job?

xoxo
-JD

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The HotMoviesForHer team is picking up this week and depositing ourselves in sunny Palm Springs for one of the largest lesbian extravaganzas in the nation – The Dinah.  Along with warm weather clothing and more free porno cards than you can shake a dildo at, we plan to pack a few “specialty items.”  That, coupled with the fact that it will soon be summer vacation season, we figured that now would be as good a time as any to spend a little time talking about traveling with sex toys.  Here are 4 helpful hints for packing for playtime.

1) Prep.  When you are getting hot and heavy, there is nothing more annoying than having to take a break to go clean off the sex toy before being able to use it. So, when it comes to travel, I say clean your toys first, dry them well, then put them each into their own individual baggie (sandwich or freezer varieties).  Not only will this keep each toy clean and ready for action, it also protects your clothes from anything that may leach chemicals (jelly rubber) and keeps lube from leaking all over your stuff.  I stress individual bags because silicone toys piled together can lead to melting silicone messes, so solo is the way to go!

2) While many vibes these days are rechargeable, batteries still operate most of the electric toys out there.  Before you stow your sex toys, remove the batteries and stick them in a baggie, which you can put right into the same baggie as the vibe, keeping them together (you can do with with charging cords as well).  Yes, you are protecting your toy in case the batteries leak acid or get corroded, but you are also safe guarding your toys from going off halfway through security, ensuring that a TSA agent will go digging for that suspicious buzzing sound – which brings us to…

3) Put your sex toys in the checked luggage instead of your carry-on.  First, you won’t have to deal with that TSA agent digging through your bag and pulling your prized rabbit vibe out for all to see.  Second, you won’t have to explain any toys that may seem suspicious to them, such as Njoy’s Eleven, which is an 11″ stainless steel wand.  It may be thrilling to your vagina, but to them it looks like a weapon.  You don’t want to have to toss any of your toys, so stick to stowing the stash.

4) Research discreet toys.  Over the years, sex toys have branched out to take on just about any shape possible, including lipstick, compact and flash drive, making it easier than ever to toss them into your bag undetected.  Take a look online to find toys that fit the bill for keeping undercover and easy to transport.

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So, you’re probably thinking that I couldn’t possibly have anything to say about this subject.  Just grab his wang and stroke.  Sure, you can go with the tried and true up and down motion, but you can make it so much more interesting and perhaps stimulate him in ways your hand never has before.  Why not have some fun and see exactly what kind of magic Rosie Palm and her five friends can create?

1. Lube.  Yes, lube makes it’s way into many posts here on HotMovies4Her and for good reason.  It tends to make just about everything better.  I can’t imagine why you’d want to disagree with me there.  Instead of giving him a dry hand, squeeze a little lube onto your hand and his cock – enough to coat the entire length and to last long into the stroking hours (minutes).  Keep your lube close by so you can reapply when necessary.  This allows for a nice slippery HJ.  Side note: some say that over time hand jobs and masturbation with lube (instead of dry) can help improve premature ejaculation during intercourse.  You can also use spit!

2. Different strokes for different folks.  Instead of rapidly jerking him off in an up and down motion, try a little twisting action near and around the head.  It doesn’t have to be a constant twisting action, just add a twist or two at the end of each up stroke.  It is best to do this with lots of lube in the mix.  You will likely feel him shudder a bit when you try this.  If you’re not using lube, make sure you “have” his skin and do it gently.  No Indian burns!  Seriously, that will hurt.  What I am telling you to do should cause not cause any pain whatsoever.      Lube, ya heard?

3. Sex Toys.  Why not buy him a stroker (or use his)?  You can create the sensation that his jerk off toy creates without him having to use his hands.  It can be lots of fun to create sensations that he wouldn’t otherwise feel without the toy, but to know that you are still making him feel awesome.  Also, masturbation sleeves with ends can help contain his splooge which can totally be helpful in certain situations!  You can also bring a vibrator into the mix.  Some men really like a nice bit of buzz on their scrotum, perineum, or along their shaft.

4. Two Hands!  Use both of your hands to cover more cock!  Wrap your hands around him, one on top of the other, and get them moving in unison.  You’ll be giving him more love and it will feel awesome.  Some suggest twisting both hands, but again, use lots of lube!  Feel free to give it a whirl if you’re interested.

I hope this helps you have a little more fun the next time you give a handjob.  It can be fun for the both you and do so much than give you an arm workout!

Also, I want to add that yes, I did aim this at hetero couples, but I totally encourage anyone to try these techniques on any person with a strapped on cock.

Love,
Ginger

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When it comes to sexin’, it seems like the emphasis is always on the orgasm.  Sure, sure, I know orgasms feel great and all, but sometimes when you spend so much time focusing on the big climax, it’s easy to forget about all the pleasure you are giving and receiving on the way.  And even more, there are times when folks are worrying so much about coming, or making their partner come, that they stress themselves right out of enjoyment at all.  Sounds frustrating, huh?  This is where the idea of goal-oriented vs. pleasure-oriented acts comes in.

Goal-oriented sex is basically the idea of having sex (or fooling around/mutual masturbation/whatever) with the goal of orgasm – meaning that everything is done with the thought of climax in mind. Pleasure-oriented, on the other hand, is all about having sex (again, or whatever) for the sake of getting pleasure from it. There is no final destination of orgasm or failure if you never climax. People tend to forget that it is even possible to have sex without worrying about “the Big O,” which is why today’s HotMovies4Her Tips is all about exploring pleasure for pleasure’s sake – whether or not it results in climax.

1) Hands off the merch!  Spend some time touching your partner’s (or your own) body without engaging their genitals at all.  In fact, make it a rule for the evening that all genitals are off limits (if the whole night seems like too much, make it an hour or two instead).  By taking the obvious bits out of the equation, you’ll be able to notice all those other parts of the body that feel absolutely amazing.  That’s right, give your knee caps some attention and they may just sing!

2) While you are engaging in that no genital activity (or even if you are playing with those bits), try out different sensations on each other’s bodies – like soft and tickley, or prickly.  While yes, there are whole stores dedicated to toys for this type of play, you can always use things you find around the house.  Try a fur coat or hat to experience soft sensations, a feather for tickle play, a dull letter opener for scratchy (make sure it’s dull!), ice for temperature play, satin for smooth sensations, or a plastic hairbrush for prickly.  Just make sure that you and your partner maintain communication through out the experience and let each other know what feels great and what you could live without.

3) Even in masturbation many folks are so focused on getting off that they don’t spend any time figuring out the many ways they can pleasure themselves.  Maybe next time you go to rub one out (see, orgasm talk again), you can take a few minutes to test out each vibrator setting, or see if the vibrations feel good on other parts of your body, or even other parts of your genitals (the whole vulva is an erogenous zone, not just the clit and vagina).  Or try using your fingers differently to stroke yourself.  You might just find an even hotter way to engage in solo play!

4) Many people have certain positions they like to get off in – be it on their backs, on their bellies, sitting up, etc.  Sure, they may play in all sorts of positions, but to really get their orgasm going, they need to have their body that specific way.  Instead of defaulting to that tried and true position, try switching it up and sit/lay in different ways to see if they are pleasurable.  Sure, you may want to return to that perfect position if you feel that orgasmic twinge, but you also got to see the other ways your body can enjoy pleasure.  Woohoo!

And remember – don’t take it too seriously; sex is supposed to be fun!

xoxo
-JD

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Our lives these days are busier than ever, with work, school, family and all sorts of other responsibilities looming over our heads.  While sex is a great stress reliever and escape from all of these things, sometimes our bodies can unwind faster than our heads and we end up getting into sexy action, but still thinking about the electricity bill, or what’s on your to-do list for tomorrow.  Staying in the moment during sex means really keeping yourself engaged in what your body is up to – which can help create stronger bonds and even sexier sex.  This week we offer up 4 helpful hints to staying present and focused during sex.

Make sure you are connected to your partner before the clothes come off.  Sure, it may sound hokey to some, but spending a few minutes snuggling with your partner or looking into their eyes to make sure you feel close to them can mean a world of difference when you are getting busy.  Even taking a moment or two to just talk before jumping into the sex might just help reignite the passion.

Utilize your five senses.  Sometime it is easy to forget that sex is a full body experience.  While we usually have our genitals and mouths involved, it’s easy to overlook all of the delicious smells, tastes, sights, textures and sounds that bodies make.  If you find yourself drifting away in thought or distracted by something unrelated, try focusing on one of your senses to bring your head back into the game.  A great example of this would be to focus on all the sounds that are happening while you are giving your partner oral sex.  Slurping, moans, the sounds of their hands on the sheets, your hands on their thighs – there is so much to hear!

Engage your brains.  Sex can be so physical sometimes that we let our minds wander around a bit while our bodies are going at it.  To stay present in the moment, try engaging your brain with a little dirty talk or role playing to keep you in the moment.  Having you thinking on your toes will keep you grounded and present with what is going on.

Talk to your partner.  Keep the lines of communication open within your relationship and let your partner know what’s going on inside your head.  Yes, it may be a difficult conversation to have, but they might be able to help ground you when you feel disconnected and distracted.  Maybe come up with a code word or phrase that will stop the action and allow you to get re-centered.  Interrupting the act may feel awkward, but in the long run, it can help you feel less flighty when you are getting busy later on down the line.

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