It’s FRIDAAAAAAAAY! TGIF, for real. Well, I’m a little irritable this week and the slightest thing is setting me off so I am seriously looking forward to the weekend. (To be fair to myself, it’s not the slightest thing but it is ridiculous nonetheless.) Anyway, my mixtape rewind is a little throwback to the early ’90s that always puts me in a good mood when I’m angry - “King of Wishful Thinking.” Thank you, Go West, for the gift that keeps on giving - even when your career hasn’t.
The best of this week’s blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Highlighting the top 3 posts as chosen by Sugasm participants.
This Week’s Picks Gross Spelling Errors Turn Me Off
“Here are a few other word issues that come up in sex writing that throw me off and drive me crazy.”
L’Artiste
“I want time to sip my whisky, to drink you in as you unveil yourself, as you offer your body to my steady gaze.”
I think that porn is potentially ruining my social life.
That sounds harsh, I know. Before you light your torches, put glitter on your protest signs and MapQuest directions to my home, let me explain.
I’ve always been really loud and open. I don’t scare easily and I never understood boundary lines. I was always the one to “kiss and tell”; anyone in my social circle could be subjected to intimate details of my sex life at any given moment because that’s what was on my mind and I wanted to talk about it. My icebreakers include anal sex and masturbation habits. Inappropriate doesn’t even begin to describe me - and that’s without alcohol.
The thing is, I never saw it that way. I was just raised in a very open family where no topic was taboo. Even before my lucrative career began, people assumed I was some kind of harlot. (Ironically enough, I went to college a virgin and it wasn’t too long ago that I bought my last book, so it’s not like I’ve climbed Mount Everest sexually.)
I often struggle with being dumb. No, I’m not “dumb” - I graduated in the top tiers of my high school class, went through an accredited journalism program at a pretty renowned university, have a slight fixation on all things American history (to the point where I have considered many a doctoral program in the field), and I even won a spelling bee once - but I want to be. I often envy girls who don’t think about much more than shoes, clothes, and relationships. You can hear it in my speech; a desperate longing to be nothing more than, like, a total valley girl - but you can’t tell from my writing. I know, a woman should be proud of her intelligence and hold her head high, but it’s quite the cross to bear.
A study in Germany recently concluded that smart women have bad sex because they’re too busy thinking, and therefore they rarely have orgasms. I know I’ve spent time during sex thinking about numerous unrelated things - what I have to do tomorrow, did I shave my legs, what was Nietzsche really trying to say - that I almost forgot to moan a little. I always thought my mind wandered because the sex was bad, not because I was simply too smart to focus.
I thought about my past sexual history and realized the worst sex was with smart guys. The dumb ones? I never even thought about anything else. I didn’t date them, we were just having sex, nothing more, so I wasn’t concerned with anything. The sex was always really good.
Maybe that’s the smart woman’s problem - we’re always thinking about what comes next. Do we cuddle, do my thighs look okay, is he happy, does he love me, maybe Nietzsche was just full of it…it’s all the way we’ve been programmed academically. We graduate high school and we immediately move onto college or the work force. We get promoted and we yearn for even more. A masters degree? Let’s get a doctorate!
I’m not saying that being a smart woman is holding you back sexually. It’s not - smart women are also some of the most vocal in the bedroom. We’re the women who aren’t afraid to show our partner what we like or what we don’t like. We’re the women who aren’t afraid of our sexuality, period. We’re just wondering what’s next.
So here’s to taking a few moments to realize that what’s next isn’t as important as what’s happening right now. Right now is what takes you to what’s next anyway. Maybe I don’t want to be a dumb girl, but I definitely want her hang-ups - or lackthereof.
Naughty America threw a member appreciation party in Brooklyn this past weekend proclaiming it the “Naughtiest City in America” according to their users. The party was at the 507 Bar and Grill in Williamsburg and was featuring appearances by Ava Devine, Abbey Brooks, Alexis Texas, Mika Tan, and Angelina Valentine. Lucky for me, the people at Naughty America sent me an invite and so Saturday afternoon we (my assistant Scott and I - thanks again!) headed up with cameras in tow to see how naughty Brooklyn really is.
I once dated a guy who said the craziest things in bed. I’m all for dirty talk - I hate it when my partner is quiet in bed - but he said things that made no sense, and it wasn’t even in the throes of passion. One night, things were starting to heat up (but nothing was really happening, just some kissing and touching) and he says, “I like when you show me how much you like it.” Um, what? I wasn’t showing anything. We just started kissing! It took everything inside of me not to laugh - or leave. Believe me, that line is still a favorite inside joke among my girlfriends and I.
While I was indulging my secret love for Yahoo! Shine, I found a link to an article on Frisky. The article was written by a girl who found something she was really turned-off by in a guy’s Facebook profile she’d been seeing! Facebook! Shit, I update my Facebook profile weekly solely because I’m a sucker for attention. Anyway, it really got me thinking about dealbreakers. I’m not just talking about sexual dealbreakers like someone who puts their nose on your clit like a dog pushing a bone (yep, had that too), but I mean relationship dealbreakers as well. I mean, there have been entire TV shows based upon dealbreakers - MTV’s NeXt anyone?
I know you have to look past certain things about another person, and believe me I do. However, I sincerely believe that everyone has that one thing (or things) that if/when they come up, you have to stop and say, “Okay, that’s it - I’m out.” Me personally? I don’t like a funky sac, I don’t deal well with bad spellers or those who confuse “your” and “you’re” and if our first date consists of a trip to any drive-thru - it’s a sure bet it’s going to be our last date.
So what are your dealbreakers? I’ll include a heinous story to get your mind rolling after the jump.
Let me start off by saying that I have a fear of commitment. I’m not afraid of being with one single person for the rest of my life, but I am afraid of sex ending. Everyone says that’s what happens - it can’t be one big joke, right? Well, according to the desperate blackwives, that’s exactly what’s driven them to cheat.
Overall, this movie was pretty great. Each wife started out reminiscing about her marriage and then went into the details of her sordid affairs which we are then led into. The scenes were pretty hot - but unbearably long. At one point, I could sense the fatigue in one of the wives and she just wanted him to finish. “I want your sweet milkshake all over my face!” she exclaims - but it takes him a while to deliver. There was a lot of dirty talk during the sex - which really does it for me. And the final scene was an FFM threesome with Mr. Marcus? Thank you, desperate blackwives. Thank you.
Here’s my darkest secret: I totally believe in astrology. I’m a sucker, I know it, but sometimes these things are dead on. I mean, there are just some things an extroverted Sagittarius like myself would do that an introverted Capricorn just wouldn’t - and we’re only a month apart! Listen, don’t stop reading - this is embarrassing for me too.
I’m sure by now most people who are somewhat internetz savvy are familiar with Lolcats - and if you’re not, I hate to break it to you, but sometimes it’s okay to click away from porn. Anyway, the hilarious ladies of Fleshbot have teamed up with FuckingMachines.com to sponsor a picture caption contest called Lolpr0n! The winners were announced today and they received a one month membership to FuckingMachines.com - not bad!
Apparently, today, April 14th is “Cake and Cunnilingus Day.” The day is supposed to be the answer to “Steak and Blowjob Day” (March 14th) for men. The thing is, Steak and BJ Day is an answer to Valentine’s Day, which men believe to be a holiday for women. Personally, I’d prefer a steak to a cake and I’d actually rather not have oral sex performed on me, but that’s a whole other blog entry. At the rate this “holiday” one-upping is going, I predict soon May 14th will be “Beer and Butt Sex Day” - you know, when it doesn’t fall on Mother’s Day.
Anyway if you’re one of those people who don’t procrastinate when it comes to tax season and will be spending April 14th stress-free, casually remind your sweetheart (or hottie in the bar) that today is Cake and Cunnilingus Day and that you’re expecting Devil’s Food.
