Movie Reviews – Hetero

Ah, finally, a horror porn that actually has blood and zombies that walk the way zombies should.  Three cheers for Night Of The Groping Dead!  The zombies in this movie even chew off labia and cocks!  I figured I should probably mention that early on in the review, as that could very well be a deal breaker for some folks.  I am not one of those folks, though, and am wholly excited that I finally found another porno flick that goes the disgusting extra mile to gross me out and get me off.  Ok, so I don’t actually get off to this stuff, but when you’ve been reviewing porn for a while, you get excited by anything different than the same old in and out.

Basic premise here is the zombie king sends his zombie minions out into the world to pick up hot young ladies to bring over to his dark side.  I don’t know why this particular woman was jerking off then napping at the local laundromat, but she was and that’s how she got captured and had her labia and nipples nibbled off by the undead.  Just a word of warning to you laundromat nappers.  Soon she herself has changed over to the dark side and starts getting her zombie fuck on with chicks she finds for herself. Yum.

Yes, this movie is totally amateur and fill to the hilt with the most fake ass blood I’ve ever seen (not really ass blood… maybe that was the wrong choice of wording…).  Seriously, these zombies have mouthfuls of corn syrup and red food coloring, which isn’t doing anything for the realistic aspect, but it does get everywhere and make a huge fucking mess – and really, that’s what we are watching horror porn for, aren’t we?  And at only 47 minutes long, this is the perfect amount of blood, guts and sexin!

Watch “Night Of The Groping Dead” Now!

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I am loving Halloween porno week!  While Freddy Krueger is definitely my horror stud of choice, I was pretty excited to check out this parody.  Yay for slasher porn!

Lily La Beaux is Michael Myers’s object of affection in Halloween XXX Porn Parody.  He follows her around with all of his creeptastic goodness.  Meanwhile, we get to see her pals, Andy San Dimas, Lexi Belle and Britney Amber get banged and of course murdered.  I have to say, they really committed to the whole killing thing.  I expected some implied murders, but they really saw each and every one through to the end.  It definitely skeeved me just a little and that is exactly what I want from my scary movies!

On the spoofy end, I thought they did a great job of throwing in all of the slasher clichés: girls who don’t run when they see a dude with a knife, corny dialogue and of course, death.  Porno parodies often fall flat, but that isn’t the case with this one.  It certainly isn’t going to win any Oscars, nor did the acting blow me away, but it kept me interested and entertained in between the sex scenes.

On the sex end, we get the same action that is expected from Smash Pictures – lots of hot sucking, fucking and oohing, OOOOOOOhing and a barrage of your usual porno sex sounds.  I have to point out that I’ve never really payed much attention Marcus London, but he definitely caught my eye here.  It may just be the British accent (I’m just that shallow) or maybe it was the way he worked Britney over in the back seat with his cock.  Either way, I’m interested.

Back to Lily LaBeaux.  This is a girl after my own heart.  She masturbates while watching a scary movie and totally gets off on banging the boogie man!  It’s just right in every way.  I also have to hand it to her.  She has fucked some interesting characters – The Hulk and Michaels Myers covered in a sheet.  She fully commits and gets into it every time.  Work!

As parodies go, I would definitely say this is one to watch.  If you like scary movies, then this will do you right for a little Halloween porno fun!

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If there are two things I love to watch in this world it’s porn and horror.  Put them together and I’m a happy girl.

Creature Feature gives a few vignettes of your tried and true generic horror flicks.  Coming in at first place is definitely Bride of Fuckenstein.  They definitely had fun with it and put everything they had into the scene.  It was totally silly, but I loved it, all of it – the Halloween décor, bride’s store bought costume, but I mostly loved Evan Stone’s commitment to the Dr. Stein character.  His opening monologue is fantastic.  As he beholds bride’s brain, he is going on about sloppy blow jobs and ball sucking in his own brand of Evan Stone-ness. If you only watch a small portion of this movie, watch the first 5 minutes.  The ball sucking dialogue and the look on Evan’s face when he says “it’s alive” is totally worth it.  He is a guy that enjoys his job and it shows.  I love when porn stars get into their characters, it makes me that much more interested in watching them fuck.

Okay, while this movie was entertaining and the sexin’ was decent, I have to say that the mummy scene was not a win for me.  There was just something a little unsettling.  I didn’t like the perfect hole that was cut out of the mummy’s pants that was just big enough to fit his cock through.  Actually, I’m not sure if it was the hole or the khaki rubber pants that bothered me.  Why not just wrap him in gauze?  Why the pants?  Either way, I just couldn’t get into it.

Regardless of pant choices, Creature Feature is a fun porno to watch to get you in the spirit of Halloween.  While most people carve pumpkins and make candy apples, we peddle smut and think it’s the best way to get into the spirit!  It’s not going to change your life, but this movie will give you a chuckle while simultaneously getting you all (chocolate covered) antsy in the pantsy.

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I’ll admit, this one didn’t grab me right from the start like other Sex and Submission movies have in the past.  The opening interview isn’t quite as revealing as they usually are.  I wanted to know more about Savannah Stern’s wants and likes.   One of the things I love so much about these movies is that in addition to all of the kinky rough play that goes down, we find out specifically what they like and why.  She certainly wasn’t denying that she was into what was about to happen, she just didn’t seem as open about it, but her actions spoke for her.

Savannah and Derrick Pierce play out a kidnapping scenario.  A bit of name calling gets thrown in there, which I like.  Why is it that the same thing that makes me want to swing on someone in non-sexy time life gets me all hot and bothered when it comes to sexin’?  If someone were to tell me they couldn’t fucking hear me when I’m at work, I’d tell them to kiss my ass.  Say it in the sack and I’m all yours!

We go through a barrage of tied activities.  Savannah gets bound by ropes, chains and zip ties.  She looks great in all of them, but most importantly you can tell they all drive in her crazy in the best possible way.  At one point, she is in a cage, wrists and forearms are zip tied to the fence.  She blows him though a hole that is cut out just big for his cock.  Wow.  So hot!

Other than when her mouth is needed for the servicing of Derrick’s cock, Savannah spends the movie with a ball gag in her mouth.  Hearing her moan through it is a treat to the ears.  He fucks Savannah couple of times, but the last time seems to go on for a while, especially since she is frog tied and can’t do much.  She is totally into it, though.  While I hate to give away the ending, I’m going to do it anyway.  Derrick splooges on her ball gag.  Um, hello.  This is something you either love or hate.  I’m not sure one could be indifferent about jizz on a ball gag.

I definitely ended up digging this movie far more than I expected to in the beginning.  I absolutely recommend it to anyone whole likes this kind of debauchery.

Watch Sex And Submission #25 – Featuring Savannah Stern & Derrick Pierce now!

Love,

Ginger

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I had been looking forward to watching this movie since I first heard about it, which was before we even had it on the site.  As a huge Petra Joy fan, I am always ready and eager to spend a little time in her amazingly sex-positive, feminist, female-focused world.  And, of course, The Female Voyeur did not disappoint.   Petra Joy films are, well, a joy to watch and her latest masterpiece joins a collection that I consider a must-see for anyone that likes thoughtful, engaging smut.

Dished up in three vignettes, this movie focuses on just how visually-charged women can be and how much they like watching sexy exchanges.  Each piece is extra sultry and features a collection of beautiful performers that exude obvious chemistry – in both pairs and during group sex! Yum!  Along with all this delicious content, the actual quality is super high end as well, with elegant sets and post-production galore.  There is definitely something to be said for the trend of amazing quality in erotic, sex-positive porno.  Don’t think we didn’t notice!

One of my favorite things about all three of the vignettes is that each of them include strong, sexually-charged women who are running the show.  Be it in a sexy slave scenario, dirty photo shoot or pervy stage show – these women know what they want and how to get it.  And lucky for us, they go for it!  If you like female-centered porns chock full of hot bodies and exciting action, this is seriously one for you.  I promise, you will not be disappointed.

Thank you Petra Joy!  This movie makes me so happy that I am, indeed, a voyeur!

Watch “The Female Voyeur” Now!

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The librarian is in!  While our own Porn Librarian left us earlier this year, it looks as though the dusty shelves of la biblioteca are back in full effect with the lovely bad-asses from Burning Angel.  Head Librarian Joanna Angel leads the crew in keeping the patrons quiet and protecting the sanctity of the books – which turns out to be a whole lot more work than we thought!

Things take a turn for the worst when library-goer James Deen comes to the counter asking for the new Burning Angel Book (a collection of pervy pics of the alt Angels).  Once his card is scanned, it’s uncovered that he has 200 overdue books!!!  (All of them “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books – hilarious touch.)  Librarian Joanna freaks and refused to let him take one more book, so what does Deen do?  He gets a gun and keeps everyone hostage until he can get a copy of the book he wants.

Of course the whole thing devolves into fucking, but with a cast that includes Asphyxia, Draven, Mr. Pete, Kleio, Keni Styles, Wolf Hudson, Danny Wylde, Skin Diamond, Mick Blue, Kim Kane, Joanna and James, how could be upset about that?!  But while there is still an awesome amount of fucking, I really love how Burning Angel movies tend to keep the story going strong.  Sure everyone in this flick gets busy, but they do it in character, which I totally appreciate. Take Draven and James Deen.  Yes, they fuck for a good long time, but before they start tearing off clothes, they talk about the robbery and all that, and then screw.

I will say that the appearance of the Burning Angel Book over and over again felt a little… commercially (product placement what?), but I get that it was one of the funny things about the whole movie.  Burning Angel flicks are really good at not taking themselves too seriously, which again, is something I totally appreciate.  Another winner from the alt forerunners.

Watch “Librarians” Now!

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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Tristan Taormino is fucking amazing when it comes to giving concise, easy-to-use, sexy education.  Her how-do’s merge expert knowledge with fun and passion, creating fantastic movies that are so much more than just instructional porns.   The perfect mix of discussion, interviews and demonstrations, these guides are just the thing for couples who are excited to learn something new without being bored to sleep or left in the dust while the performers are doing acrobatic acts on screen.

This newest release, an advanced guide for sexing up the booty, really is the movie for Taormino to make.  As an expert on all things anal, Tristan brings her skills to the screen and gives us all the goods on getting it on butt-style in more advanced ways.  She really is the one person I would trust my ass with above anyone else.

As with all of Taormino’s other videos, this one features amazing sexy pairings.  Kylie Ireland with James Deen, Adrianna Nicole with Danny Wylde, Bobbi Starr with Mr. Marcus, and Nina Hartley with Christian – I seriously can’t decide which scene I enjoyed most!  Each of the duos are wonderfully matched and it’s super easy to see just how much chemistry is flowing between the performers.  Even if we didn’t have interviews with each of the performers telling us about how excited they are to be doing the scene, it would still be totally obvious.  They are all a joy to watch.

One of the greatest things about this advanced video is that though it is geared towards folks who are looking for beyond the basic 101 skills, Tristan still makes sure to touch on the important info on keeping safe.  Just because someone knows how to fuck a butt doesn’t mean that they can’t benefit from a quick refresher on going slowly and using a bunch of lube.  Also, I’m sure that there are tons of people that think they are advanced enough to skip Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide To Anal Sex (though they really should be watching it) and head straight to this video.  For those people, I am so glad the basics make an appearance before getting into the more complex stuff.  Thanks Tristan.

Another thing I love – that Adrianna Nicole says “Don’t put pressure on yourself.  If it isn’t going to happen today, then it will happen next time, or the time after that.  Your butt’s always going to be there.”  Wiser words were never spoken.

Watch “Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide To Advanced Anal Sex” Now!

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There are those pornos that you enjoy and there are those pornos that really give you exactly what you are looking for at that exact moment.  Thank you, Bobbi Starr.

Directed by the beautiful, smart, sexy, talented and kinky Miss Starr, Bobbi’s World is a hardcore piece of smut spun straight from her mind.  We get to see her point of view and the view from the outside, both of which are gloriously dirty.  This is anything but the soft, so if ball gags and butt sex aren’t your thing, this isn’t the movie for you.  If, on the other hand, watching people push themselves to their sexual limits and beyond sounds inviting, I recommend this pervy little gem to you.

I knew I was going to be in for a good time before I started watching this movie, but the first scene blew my face off.  The set up alone is enough to put a tent in your pants – Dia Zerva ball gagged and wrist bound, Danny Wylde tied to a chair and Bobbi Starr with camera in hand, running show and part of the action.  Oh. My. God.  You can just see everyone losing their minds.  Not in a moaning/ flailing sort of way, but in that self contained internal turned-the-fuck-on sort of way.  At one point Bobby, who is very much in control, makes Dia back her ass up to Danny as she (Bobbi) strokes his cock.  Dia isn’t allowed to back up all the way and Danny can only sit and stare at Dia’s round rump.  Eventually, Dia’s gag is removed and her mouth and other two holes are used for the pleasure of D and B.  I loved the outside view, but Bobbi’s view was even better, i.e. over Danny’s shoulder while he was in Dia’s mouth.  Everyone is pushed to the edge and loving every second of it.

Scene 3, starring Bobbi and Kim Kane, is equally hot, but a bit more exploratory.  The two play on the bathroom floor – pantyhose are ripped and fingers are used in and on puckering little buttholes and pussies.  This is a great match.  They are both into it and, well, filthy girls.  At one point a curling iron gets used.  While it didn’t really get the party started for me, I applaud their creativity.

Clearly, I think this movie is awesome and I think you should watch it if you can handle such well crafted mayhem.  This is absolutely worthy of watching outside of work.  I can’t wait to get to Disc 2 and to see what else Bobbie Starr has up her directorial sleeve!

Watch Bobbi’s World (Disc 1) now!

Love,

Ginger

P.S. I love that this dirt baggery is female directed.

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“60% of the time, it works every time.” Unfortunately, Anchorman – A XXX Parody fell into the other 40%.

Of course, expecting anything to live up to the original Anchorman is asking way too much. It was a magical mix of characters filled with one liners that you just can’t help but recite, even years after it’s release. Regardless, I just didn’t love it. It wasn’t a total bust, but it isn’t at the top of my list of parodies to watch.

As the story goes, Ron and the boys have lost their jobs at the news station and are all working at random places, wishing for the days of old. Mr. Burgundy’s brilliant idea to get them back on the news team is to pay a visit to Veronica Corningstone (Tasha Reign) and make magic happen under the sheets. The rest of his crew follows suit by hopping in the sack with the all-lady news cast.

As you can imagine, the boning goes down. The sex scenes are decent, but not out of the ordinary. Per my usual complaint, no one fucks in character. I get that it is a challenge to do this, but if you’re going to make the Anchorman XXX Parody, I think you should fuck the way you think Champ or Brick would fuck. Throw in an “I love lamp,” or something… anything!

One distracting element for me was Jack Lawrence’s not so good Ron Burgundy voice. He certainly gave it a lot of effort, which may have been the problem. It just wasn’t believable for me. Also, Tasha as Miss Corningstone was not a win for me. Again, who could fill Christina Applegate’s shoes? Brian (Dale Dabone) won the award for most entertaining. He totally grasped the character and seemed completely comfortable and natural. He is the man when it comes to the porno parodies. His scene with Aiden Starr was fantastic from every angle – the characters were believable and the van sex was dirty and hot. Aiden was really able to put on the news reporter facade and she had the voice/”non-regional dialect” down!

Is it worth the watch? That is for you to decided. If you’re an Anchorman fan, I think you should check it out and see. Just because my expectations were high, that doesn’t mean you won’t like it!

Watch Anchorman – A XXX Parody (Disc 1) now!

Watch Disc 2 for special features!

Love,

Ginger

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Did I open a porno, or is it MTV Spring Break 1988?  Because I’m pretty sure it could be either/or.  And really, I’m ok with that.  There is something extra salacious about partial nudity and bikini cut panties riding high on the hip.  What can I say, I spent my formative years watching late ‘80s, early ‘90s television.  I’ve most definitely been ‘Saved By The Bell’ a few times, if you know what I mean!

The basic premise of this movie is two med students make a bet during a wet t-shirt contest party (what ever happened to those?!) that they will both bed two other students – one that’s a lesbian and one that is “frigid” (aka. she has feminist leanings).  While one gets his fuck on, the other tells his conquest the whole story in attempts to get her to lie for him.  Confused yet?  Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one.  So, the one woman tells the other, along with a third, who gang up on the dudes and have them strip to their boxers and join in the wet t-shirt contest.  Which they win, of course.

And then a woman in a whipped cream bikini* dances.  And one of the dudes dresses up as a woman and woos the lesbian, who finds out and goes all dominatrix on him.  And if you think that’s random, I didn’t even mention the black and white medical stock footage interspersed along the movie – and the voice paging all sorts of dirty doctor names.  I don’t actually get the whole med school thing.  It probably would have made more sense to just have it be a frat party, though I guess that’s played out, huh?

I really do like these ’80s softcore porno.  They are both totally random and full of fun plots at the same time – something I really appreciate in my porno.  Yes, I do like a little fucking when it comes to dirty movies, but every once in a while I am okay with sacrificing sex for plot.  Just don’t let it happen too often.

*It’s probably shaving cream, since it’s not melting.  Sorry I’m so analytical, but I can’t help it, even in porno reviewing.

Watch “Bikini Med School” Now!

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