In the years before starting my porn reviewing career, I was under the assumption that a facial was something you either get done at a spa, or with the girls during a sleepover party, but now after five years of intense smut watching, I now know there is a third facial option. Oh yeah, I’m talkin’ bout the creamy variety – the cum facial.
Sure, some folks are anti-facials, saying that they are degrading to women, which I totally get, but at the same time, to other folks (like me) they are super hot and just another way that people express themselves sexually. Really, it’s just a matter of preference, like most other consensual sexual acts.
Anyway, today we are talkin’ facials – Adrianna’s facial to be exact. Adrianna is a super hot lady who has come to the Fake Agent casting couch for a model “interview.” The interviewer starts off with a few questions, asking Adrianna what kind of sex she likes and if she is comfortable in front of the camera. After that, it’s straight to having her take off her clothes. He gets some close ups of her tits and her ass, but then he touches her, which she recoils from. I don’t necessarily like that the dude is like “if you get this job all the guys will be touching you. It’s normal.” Whether or not that’s true, he should ask first. When he tries to touch her pussy she slaps him in the face, gets dressed and leaves. And then we get a cut signal.
Soon the camera is rolling again, with dude letting us know that Adrianna called and apologized, saying she wants to work, so she is coming back in. And back she comes, ready for a do-over. She needs money, so she comes back to “interview.” Alright, I know it’s a porn plot, but still I don’t like it. It’s too close to the reality that some folks need money to survive and have to do whatever it takes to get it. I’m not saying that all porn stars are like that (not at all!), but there are many people in the world that have to do work that they don’t necessarily want to do because they need the cash. It feels too exploity to me to just sit back and enjoy the movie, but I am going to try to remember that it’s only a movie and that while it does happen in real life, it’s not actually happening in this instance. I will relax and get into the sexy times!
First thing he does, before getting her out of her clothes even, is have her suck his cock. And because he is filming, it makes for some nice little P.O.V. action. She stokes his cock with her hand while sucking the tip and pays lots of attention to his balls, all while looking in the camera with sexy eyes. Soon her clothes are back off and dude films himself giving her a deep dicking on the couch – captured from two angles (P.O.V. and regular fixed camera across the room). They screw in a whole bunch of positions and he gets a lot more head throughout the 48 minutes. Then, of course, he cums all over her face, which, honestly, she doesn’t seem to be super jazzed about. She has to keep one of her eyes closed to keep the jiz out.
Now, I’ve seen tons of movies where the women are really excited to have cum all over their faces – heck, I’ve even enjoyed it myself a time or two, but in this movie, the chick was not into it. Whether or not she was pretending to be unenthused, it definitely sours the experience for me. And I am not blaming her here – I think the whole premise of the movie is uncomfortable and a total turn off for me. I don’t think it’s bad or anything, I just personally cannot get down with it and will probably stay clear of Fake Agent movies in the future. Also, it’s a little odd that the dude’s face is blurred out, but I guess it’s par for the course, since the whole damn thing is a little off to me.
It’s not really the time of year that we traditionally review horror porn (it’s why I love October so much!), but when I stumbled across Tails From The Zipperin our WTF? Category, I just knew it had to be today’s review. I mean really, with a description like this, can you see why I wouldn’t be able to pass it by?
“Tails From The Zipper offers a chilling change of pace from the usual adult fare: You like sex with a SCREAM? Want some HORROR with your HUMPING? How about something CREEPY with you CLIMAX? Come see what’s behind these tails! You might not get SCARED, but you’ll definitely get STIFF!”
Exactly. Oh, horror porn, I love you so!
On quick examination of the movie, I would give an educated guess that it’s probably mid-‘90s smut. There is no date on the box cover, but this movie is drippppping with ’90 flair.
We start with “Who’s The Dummy,” a ridiculous story about a mannequin that was cursed by the Nazis. Yep, that’s creativity if I ever saw it! Anyway, Randy West gets a job at the warehouse where the mannequin is in storage and he is warned to not touch it. Apparently a man who kisses the mannequin at midnight will have terrible, heinous things happen to him. And if you heard a curse like that, wouldn’t you want to test the theory? Well, of course Randy does and gives her a big smooch at the witching hour (after checking out her hot plastic ass). One kiss and poof – the dummy comes to life (shocker!) and wants to fuck!
The mannequin (who I will refer to as “Manne”) only talks French, but she bridges the language barrier nicely with her body language. It’s not long before they are going at it, with West face first in Manne’s wet pussy. They fuck all over the warehouse, in all sorts of positions, with lots of close up angles and fun shadow blowjob shots. But the real question is, what are the terrible, heinous things that West was warned about? West turns into a mannequin himself! Cheesy and totally awesome!
Next story is called “Too Old, Too Young” – a scene that starts with two very old women who get a package in the mail. What is it? Two beautiful necklaces and a spell that someone sent them on how to become young again. They must wait for a full moon, then put the necklaces on, hold hands, say some shit and kiss. Where does this lead to, you ask? Obviously the pair become young again and fuck each other. It just so happens that they have sexy lingerie on under their granny dresses and they waste no time getting their clothes off and their hump on. They even have a dildo laying around, which I do think every woman, young or old should have! I don’t actually see any “horror” or anything in this scene, but the sex is hot, so I’m not that disappointed (though I do feel a little cheated).
And lastly “The Black Widow” comes to us in scene three. Randy Spears goes out on the town and tries out a new bar to find some different pussy to bang. He locks eyes with a lady across the room and he is instantly drawn to her. Then everything goes black and next thing he knows it, he is somewhere different, sitting naked in a chair. She has some sort of power over him and wills him to fuck her (which he isn’t too bummed about. And then she does what a Black Widow spider does – she leaves her web and keeps Spears forever.
Overall impression? Weird in a porno way, but definitely not as exciting as I hoped it would be.
While we try not to review movies that aren’t offered in our pay-per-minute format, I honestly could not pass up the chance to watch Digital Sin’s Power & Control. Nearly three hours of high quality rough sex on screen – sign me up! Plus I get to spend a little time with Lily LaBeau and James Deen, two performers that I really enjoy and have not watched in a minute. Seems like I win all around.
The basic premise of this flick is ladies submitting to the sexual impulses of their men. Sounds pretty good, huh? I just need to get out of the way that no, I don’t think women need to be submissive to men. This is fantasy and playing with power, something totally different than men being the dominant force in a relationship or non-negotiated sexual experience. Ok, public service announcement over. I just needed to make sure that it was said before continuing on to our regularly scheduled porn review.
So, yes, this is seven scenes of women surrendering to the power of men. Pretty hot, right? And they are all different little vignettes that give us a nice variety in the power plays. First up are Danny Mountain and Maddy O’Reilly. Maddy is Danny’s maid, who manipulates him to fuck her good and dirty. They don’t even get into any foreplay action before Danny is pounding into her pussy fast and hard. There is no bother taking off clothes or anything, just pulling up Maddy’s skirt and Danny fucking with his pants around his knees. That is until he rips her shirt right off her while simultaneously choking her. We get a little blow job and a few position changes, but all in all, it’s the same furious fucking for the whole scene. No complaints here.
Next up is The Prisoner with Lizzy London as a prison librarian and Xander Corvus as a prisoner. Yeah, it’s a little random, but it’s porn, so are you really shocked? This scene is more of a forced sex fantasy and also included shirt ripping (I wonder if it will be a pattern?) as Xander corners her into the stacks of the library. He binds Lizzy’s hands with her own bra and rams into from behind over and over again. But no matter how hard he tries to keep her quiet, she can’t help her loud moans and howls of pleasure.
Lily LaBeau and Ramon Nomar star in scene three, The Games We Play, as a pair of co-workers. Lily isn’t quite sure of Ramon is trying to annoy her or seduce her, but within moments we find out when she gets blunt with him and flat out asks. This, of course, leads to really fucking hot sex with Lily LaBeau in the driver’s seat. YUM!
I’m not going to review the rest of the scenes one-by-one because this post would be too long, but just know that each scene is awesome! The only thing I’m a little confused about it that they describe it as women submitting to men, but honestly, it seems like the scenes are an even split of men submitting as well.
There’s nothing like tainting your fondness for lighthearted movies with a comic book character porn parody. It was, afterall, my choice to watch The Justice League of Pornstar Heroes XXX: An Extreme Comixxx Parody, so how can I really complain?
I’ll admit, scene 1 gave me the Batman, Robin and Catwoman threesome that I always wanted. I didn’t get to watch Bruce Wayne and Boy Wonder make-out, but I got to watch them DP Selina Kyle (Catwoman). Yep, it gets hardcore up in this porno. Not that I don’t love a little a lot of skin, but I wish Catwoman would have been wearing more of a cat suit. The boys wore fairly authentic looking costumes, but my girl got stuck wearing a pair of workout pants with claw marks. What the hell? Did she scratch her own pants? It may be all the same to some, but dammit, wardrobe is important to me! Anywho, Catwoman handles the dynamic duo and gets exactly what she wants out of them… jizz! When the scene is over we get a cameo from Ron Jeremy as the Penguin. I love how Ron pops up everywhere, even if his wang doesn’t.
As the story moves along we get eyefuls (of splooge) from Super Man, Poison Ivy, and Flash, to name a few. With performers like Kristina Rose and Andy San Dimas, you can rest assured the sex will be decent. Both ladies love what they do and are never afraid to show it. The acting, on the other hand, left a little something to be desired. I have learned to not expect too much from parodies (sorry, porn) so I’m not terribly let down. At this point I don’t even remember what the storyline was or is. Just keeping it real. I must say, the final scene did perk me right on up.
The Pornstar Heroes manage to save the day from whatever was threatening it, which meant it was blowbang time! Wonder Woman got down on her knees while five dudes in unitards surrounded her while jerking their cocks and waiting for her mouth. While something didn’t seem quite right about Wonder Woman being on her knees on her knees, I couldn’t help but find it incredibly hot. You could sense her pervy enjoyment and I love that! She managed to give each cock equal attention. Things got a little rough and there was lots of choking and spit involved. You’ve been warned in case you’re not into it. had no ill feelings whatsoever.
In short, what this porno lacked in acting and storyline, it made up for in blowbang.
I honestly wasn’t expecting much from a studio named “Mike Hunt.” I mean really, Mike Hunt ? What am I, back in high school or something? Don’ get it? Try saying it out loud. Anyway, I was a little leery of a romantic feature film from this studio, but I figured that It Was Always You seemed like a cute idea and I should give it a go.
From the get-go this movie was two things – high quality and totally cheesy. Maybe it’s the premise, and maybe it’s the acting, but there is something inherently cheese ball about it all. The basic idea is that a group of friends are getting older and starting to couple up and get married and the rest of the group wants the same thing for themselves. One particular women, Heather, has this guy friend Ryan who she plays video games with and generally always has fun, but she’s never thought of him as anything more. Until now…
The sex scenes in the movie are mostly her group of friends having sex with their boyfriends. While the sex is hot and comes off as pretty romance, I can’t get over the cheesy music. It’s a little too elevator music/Lifetime Television For Women for me. It’s just too flowery, in my opinion. I guess it helps make everything feel more romantic and “lady-focused,” but really it just makes me want to hit the mute button. I don’t want to turn off the action, just add my own idea of hot music to it.
When Heather’s friends start to hone in on Ryan, she finally starts to realize that there may be more to him and their friendship than she thought. That and a super sexy dream she had about him. Woah hot dream sex! It’s slow, sensual and totally packed with chemistry! Not to be a spoiler, but at the end they finally wise up and get together to have lots and lots of smokin’ action!
Romantic, sweet and cheesy – the perfect mix for couples to watch together.
It’s been a while since I’ve shared an afternoon with Nina Hartley. Alright, fine… by “share an afternoon,” I mean sat at my desk and watched one of Hartley’s fantastic instructional movies. Oh well, a girl can dream… So anyway, today Nina and I got down and dirty talking about advanced sex toys. Yes, some dildos and vibes could be considered “advanced,” but this flick’s focus is on ultimate position enhancers, such as the Bungee Weightless Sexperience and the Love Swing.
Basically a how-to on using these specific toys, this video only really talks about these two specific models of weightless toys. There is a third scene featuring a hot threesome with a vibrator included, but I didn’t really see any advanced sex toy activity going on there, so I plan to talk about scenes one and two primarily.
As much as I really love Nina Hartley and her instructional movies, this particular volume didn’t really do it for me. Hartley’s other instructionals touch on topics with a broader brush, going over specific sex acts and types of toys, but never really get into detail to the point of talking about certain brands. I could be mistaken, but I believe I’ve never (or rarely) seen that in a Nina Hartley guide. Either way, it wasn’t my favorite of the bunch.
Even though I wasn’t as blown over by this instructional, it doesn’t mean I didn’t like it or find it helpful. Before watching this, I never really had a step-by-step view on how to use these two products. I mean sure, I had a general idea about how they work, but not anything extensive. First up is the Bungee Weightless Sexperience, a collection of straps and harnesses that attach to a single thick bungee cord in the ceiling.
There is a back and shoulder harness, a sling that supports your lower back, and two straps that fit around your thighs, hoisting them as high into the air as you prefer. This toy leaves you totally weightless (hence the name) and frictionless when it comes to positioning. Nina and her friends Adajja and Tyler Wood show us how to get in and out of the contraption and how to adjust it to accommodate certain sexual positions. While it looks like a total pain in the ass to put on and get situated in, the Bungee Weightless Sexperience actually seems like it would be really fun and really hot to play with. I may be sold… Read the rest of this entry »
Sure, I love porno with lots of fucking and passion, but sometimes I need a little WTF in my life to shake things up. When you start to feel like the porn you watch at the office is getting a little ho-hum, it’s time to get weird. Yes, I used the word weird. It doesn’t mean I’m “yucking your yum” nor does it mean that I think you’re a bad person for liking it or getting off to it. Hell, it doesn’t even mean that it isn’t something that I don’t get off to my damn self. I like weird!
The basic premise of The Hand Biting And Arm Biting Nurse is this: Nurse Coco Velvett is discussing a patient’s up coming surgery. During this super serious talk, the patient (Eric Jover) gets handsy, grabbing her ass and whatnot. After she tells him to stop a few times, Coco loses it and bites his hand! That doesn’t learn him the first time. Instead he carries on and this time Coco goes on a hand and arm biting spree. It seems like she is definitely using some jaw power, but doesn’t bite down hard enough to break the skin. She really gets into, which is awesome and hilarious. It seemed like she really had fun with it and wasn’t afraid to get silly. I like that in a girl.
Since this movie is different than anything I’ve ever seen, I had to grab a little clip to show you. This kind of movie may have very well been made before, it’s just the first one that I have seen. I can describe it all I want to, but you really need to see it with your own eyes.
I’m not sure what else to say about this porno, but if you’re looking for a little something something different, this is for you. I can’t tell you if it’s good or bad. I can only tell you that I couldn’t stop watching!
You all know the stereotypical, pop culture idea of a gamer – a nerdy dude that plays hours upon hours of video games and has never had sexual contact with anyone other than himself. Contrary to that popular belief, lots of people actually play video games, including women. Really, really hot women actually. In fact, some of them even make porn movies… like this one, all about the geeky gamer girls that love the feel of a warm… controller in their hand. Whether they are trying to destroy the enemy, or just replenish their life force points, these gorgeous gamers are armed and ready to get to the next level.
Now, I’ve heard of “Call of Duty,” “World of Warcraft” and “Skyrim,” but really just from sitting next to a few people that like to talk about video games, not because I’ve ever seen or played them myself. I just wanted to make that clear from the get-go so you don’t expect clever game-specific puns about guilds and whatever (ok fine, I looked up WOW on wiki). I can make a few weak Super Mario jokes, but that’s the extent of my repertoire. I guess it’s a good thing that you’re really here for the sex!
We start off with Misti Dawn, who even I know is a hardcore gamer, as well as a super hot, tattooed porno queen. She kicks off the movie talking about her favorite kind of games (single player Role Playing Games – or PRGs) and how she does like to play multi-player games with her fans. Soon she is on her back, giving us suggestive poses with an old school Nintendo controller before Jordan Ash comes in and gives her a little deep dickin’. The awesome video quality mixed with a fantastic array of angles totally made this scene for me.
Next up is Kimber Peters, who is a total “Mortal Kombat” PRO! Yes, she loves” Black Ops,” but in her interview, she spills that she is especially good at the old arcade standard. She starts off talking all about gaming, and then quickly devolves into dirty talk about fucking the people on the other side of the controller. Sure this is a porno, any maybe it’s just me, but it seems a little contrived… I mean, I like listening to her be smutty, but it was more genuine and fun when she was talking about the games she loves. Well, at least we get to see her get pervy with the “Duck Hunt” gun, right? Oh, yeah, and there is some hot sex with Danny Mountain. I do like watching the sex, but for me, I think the gaming talk is hotter. I can watch sex in any porno, right? But can I hear about hot lady gaming anywhere else? Not really… though I will say that I enjoy how they incorporated the gun controller…
Lea Lexis is really fucking hot in her Blood Elf costume. Who wouldn’t love a little “World Of Warcraft” cosplay, right? I really wish she would have continued wearing her costume during the sexy action, because 1) it makes the most sense and 2) it would have made a great scene even better! I know her clothes don’t stay on for all that long, but I guess for me, it would have made a difference… and I bet I’m not alone. The video game music was a nice touch though… (Well, I assume it was the music from the game, but who knows.)
Gia Steel is our last sweet gamer, coming in as the youngest of the bunch at a mere 20 years old. She talks about her love for Sega Genesis (which kind of makes me feel old) and RGPs like “Mortal Kombat.” She is actually super cute with her Boston accent and giggly demeanor. She gets down and dirty while going at in on her Nintendo-DS and is soon getting it from all sides by Xander Corvus. Yum.
I really have no idea what the last two scenes of this movie have to do with it. I think they are just extras from the DVD.
If you are into video games, hot girls, and hot girls who like to play video games, this is the movie for you!
When it comes down to it, Disney was right. It is, in fact, a small world after all. Remember in high school health class, when they used warn about STIs by filling us in that each time we sleep with someone, we are also sleeping with all the people they’ve slept with, and all of the people that they’ve slept with, and so on? Sure, it was/is a scare tactic, but it’s still pretty much true-ish… and this porno is here to give you proof! If you think Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon is fun, just wait til to get a gander at Six Degrees of Penetration – where all the sexy action comes full circle.
Amy (Chloe) has a theory that we are all only separated by six sexual partners, so she sets her hypothesis to an experiment. She finds a random hook up, bangs him, and then asks him to wear a silver necklace and give it to the next person he has sex with, and so on. If the necklace makes it back her way, Amy will know her theory holds water. So off the necklace goes, on the wings of come and orgasms.
I’ll admit that it is a little hard for me to keep all of the characters straight. There are a whole bunch of names and combinations to remember, and honestly, I’d rather focus on the fucking than keep a running tab of who is actually fucking two. Is that wrong? I mean really, the movie is nine years old and I don’t know any of the stars well enough to be able to recognize them on first sight, so why not just focus on the dirty instead of the details, right?
All the sex in this movie is pretty decent. It’s the usual blowjob, pussy eating, penetration routine that most porno offers, with a few threesome scenes mixed in for variety (one man/man/woman and one man/woman/woman). While the action is pretty standard, I will mention that there is some super hot ball sucking activity in scene 4, with Britney Foster giving Pat Myne’s sack a thorough tongue bath.
All-in-all a good (and only a little bit dated) porno with a interesting plot, even if it’s a little complicated to follow. Oh, and Amy is totally right; the necklace comes back her way within six degrees. Seriously, this lady needs to go get her Ph.D. in Human Sexuality – what a great dissertation idea!
There is something special about Belladonna. I don’t know how she does it, but she brings out the best in other people. Of course by ‘best,’ I obviously mean their hottest hotness and most hilarious personality traits. No matter what her role in the movie, be it performer, director, or both, Bella’s distinct warmth and charm opens up whoever she comes in contact with. This time it’s her buddy Kristina Rose, in a movie that’s all about herself!
Bella starts the flick out casual, bringing Kristina her morning coffee and hanging out with her at Kristina’s apartment. They chat about her cat, how open she is and what she’d tell other women who are interested in getting into porn. So what does she tell them? To do what THEY want to do, not what other folks want them to do. Pretty good advice, I think. They chat for a while more and Kristina hops in the shower to get ready for the action. They keep the conversation going while she showers, talking about foot fetishes, the industry, and fucking in general.
Now, if this was a regular porno, either that shower scene would have turned into fucking, or else the fucking would ensure shortly after. But no, this is no regular porno, this is a Belladonna flick, which means that we get the whole shebang of hanging out with Kristina. If you’re looking for a quick and dirty porn movie to jerk it to, this is not the one to pick. I mean sure, Kristina Rose is hanging out in her matching bra and panties set, and telling us all about her anal sex warm up routine, but even an hour and a half into the movie, there has been no sex. I love it, of course, because I love a behind the scenes gabfest, but most people aren’t watching dirty movies for the hot gossip action. Most want sex. We do get an enema around the same time, but again, that’s not what some folks are looking for.
After the enema and all that, Kristina finally starts the sexy action by playing with her ass. Belladonna rubs at her feet while she works toys inside her ass, in preparation for Michael Stefano to come on over and fuck her in her ass, in her actual house. I wonder if that’s a little weird for her? Anyway, once Stefano gets to her house, they waste no time getting into an intense make out and pussy-licking action. Finally! Nearly two hours in, here’s the sexin’! Don’t get me wrong, I love the interview but after two hours, I’m ready for some dick-in-ass activity.
The pair head up to Kristina’s bedroom, where the light is actually perfect for shooting. They don’t even move the teddy bears off the bed before she starts riding his cock. And maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention, but she definitely lost a sock along the way somewhere. They fuck all over her bed, sucking and licking each other all over their bodies. All that anal prep definitely lead to some hot booty action with little additional warm up. Just to note: FINALLY there is a porn that’s honest about the fact that most folks have to warm up their assholes before anal sex. They may just “lick it and stick it” in the movies, but in real life, there is a bunch of prep work and lube. Thanks for keeping it real, Kristina Rose.
Belladonna hops back in the bed as soon as Kristina and Michael finish their scene. They get right back into talking and going over the sex that just happened. Everyone chats for a while and then Kristina and Belladonna roll a blunt and smoke it. The end.
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