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Hetero
What diving underground to find alligators has to do with fucking beats the hell out of me, I’ve decided to just accept it. Maybe it’s so they could use the line “I’ve been checking pipes all day, it’s only fair I get mine checked, right?” I’d say that’s as good an excuse as any. Sure the plot is totally random – divers checking the NYC sewers for alligators, and then needing to be quarantined by a group of naughty nurses, but it does lend nicely to some hot orgy action, especially with a young, fresh-faced Annie Sprinkle as the title’s Sue Prentiss, R.N. As her charge says “Oooh Marone!” Also, be sure to check out 54 minutes in, when one of the nurses goes above and beyond the Hippocratic Oath with a double dick sucking! Truly impressive.
-J.D. Bauchery
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Holy Crap! The dialogue in this movie is so perfectly porn! I can’t even describe it how amazing it is. It’s like watching a movie where they’re mocking porn, but with hardcore sex. I thought that the sex was spectacular in this movie, but Tommy Gunn is one of my favorite male performers, so I might be biased. Scene one starts the action off with an amazing scene. I’m not sure who the woman is, but she didn’t shut up and I loved it. Gunn pounds her after she deep throats his rock hard cock – and let me tell you, that doesn’t look like an easy feat! There’s also a pretty hot all-girl threesome that closes out the film and did I mention that Ron Jeremy plays the bad guy? If that’s not reason to check this one out, I’m not sure what would convince you.
The Porn Librarian
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While I’ve never been much into muscles, it’s always been really interesting to me to see how other people react to them. And in this Straight Guys For Gay Eyes flick, our gal Darina is all about the burly body. Not only does she rub down every part of Olda’s muscular frame, she craves his extra-thick cock in her pussy and he gives it to her in pretty much in every position they can think of. I’m pretty sure it’s Olda’s muscles that keep the action hot and hard with added stamina for the entire 30-minute video. Neither of them says much, or anything at all, but the constant moans and his explosive finish sum it up nicely. If you’re looking for a hard body plowing his way to ecstasy, look no further.
-J.D. Bauchery
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I’m not going to tell you that this movie is totally hot. You might think it is, but personally I love it for its art school weirdness. I have a special place in my heart for weird sex movies that make no sense. There’s not really a plot, but there are Vikings, so really, who am I to complain. We all know that plot is not necessary in adult, but just to get you curious, here is a list of things you’ll see:
1. Three really beautiful women. Seriously. They are absolutely stunning if you’re into the whole natural look.
2. Vikings tearing meat from bones while the women make out.
3. One dead Viking. I’m not sure what happens, but one guy finds himself on the wrong end of a sword.
4. Dudes drinking from horns. I just thought that was neat.
Anyways, you should watch this movie. It’s only seven minutes long and it’s pretty sweet. Will I be fantasizing about this film next time I’m getting romantic with myself? Definitely not – but it’s still totally awesome!
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I like porn parodies. Much like in my personal life, I think it’s important to be able to laugh at everything - even sexy stuff. I also really like celebrities, so I thought the character names in this movie would be above par, and they were, even for porn.
The scenes were amusing - Lindsay Blowhan can’t make it through the metal detector, Hairless Hilton and Cornhole Richie get some sex-ed on The Simple Life, Katherine Hymen and Sandra Ho get dirty on Grundel’s Anatomy, and Dumi Moore gives Gashton Coocher some head - but they weren’t really sexy. At the end of each scene, Gashton comes in to inform the “celeb” that they have been Spunk’d, and he blows a load all over their faces. Everyone laughs, and licks it all up.
That’s really it. Nick Manning makes a great Gashton - they both have a similarly irritating Midwestern accent. The movie is shot very well and there’s a great cast (Ron Jeremy, Hillary Scott, Evan Stone, Jada Fire, Steven St. Croix, Katie Morgan) and it’s definitely funny. I was just hoping for something a little sexier.
Oh well, maybe next season. Punk’d wasn’t that great at first either.
-M.
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I love me some dirty talk. There is just something about having someone ask you to pinch their nipples harder or if you like their wet pussy - totally seals the deal for me. And it only makes it better that Sativa is absolutely beautiful and charmingly kinky. I’ll readily admit that Richard, the guy in this flick, doesn’t really do it for me. He’s a crappy actor, a lazy lover and kinda rude to this girl he “just met” and is now fucking up to her tits. I will say that I like that he’s game for some sex toy play, including a dildo, which is a rarity in porn where one party has their own dick. I also love that they spend a little time dry humping before the clothes really go flying. All in all, this amateur tumble in the sack is pretty good. Sativa definitely gets two thumbs up and a smooch on the cheek from me!
-J.D. Bauchery
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Ah, fucking machines. If humanity had the same drive to feed the world it has to get people off using technology, hunger would be eradicated. I mean, who builds these things? I guess I should be thanking the geniuses behind these complicated machines. I love watching girls loose control and nothing does that more than a ride on a sybian or thrillhammer. Over the course of this thirty-five minute film, you’ll see the diminutive Penny Flame take on four man-made dildo drivers. Each scene is fascinating and totally wankable, but I loved the fourth because I can never watch enough sybian footage. If you want to see a woman’s mind blown, you need to check out Flame riding this amazing piece of machinery. It only takes a few minutes before she’s barely able to put together a sentence!
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Let me start off by saying that I have a fear of commitment. I’m not afraid of being with one single person for the rest of my life, but I am afraid of sex ending. Everyone says that’s what happens - it can’t be one big joke, right? Well, according to the desperate blackwives, that’s exactly what’s driven them to cheat.
Overall, this movie was pretty great. Each wife started out reminiscing about her marriage and then went into the details of her sordid affairs which we are then led into. The scenes were pretty hot - but unbearably long. At one point, I could sense the fatigue in one of the wives and she just wanted him to finish. “I want your sweet milkshake all over my face!” she exclaims - but it takes him a while to deliver. There was a lot of dirty talk during the sex - which really does it for me. And the final scene was an FFM threesome with Mr. Marcus? Thank you, desperate blackwives. Thank you.
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 It’s not often that the opening scene of a classic porno open with a woman getting head. In this film, as in her career, Annette Haven was in charge. Haven was one of the first big time adult stars in the 1970’s and belongs to both the AVN and XRCO Hall of Fame. This compilation is fantastic because Haven was a strong woman who had strict standards and often refused work if the director wouldn’t comply. She was picky about who she worked with, refused to do facials or anything remotely violent, and didn’t back down from what she thought was right. A woman after my own heart… Scene three is short but completely hot. Haven is sprawled out on a table top in what looks like an upscale bar and a fancy-pants woman begins going down on her while everyone watches. Through the scene, a couple of different people take turns while the rest watch the beautiful Haven writhe in ecstasy. My only complaint is that it isn’t longer, but it’s a great scene for voyeurs like me! Fans of John Holmes should also check out scene six which has some hot girl-on-girl action in a steam room before they take on the biggest stud of all time.
-The Porn Librarian
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Alt Porn rarely makes much sense. I think that’s why I like it so much. Everything can be totally random, but it doesn’t matter, because it’s “edgy,” with over the top plots, fuzzy rimmed camera shots and all those super inked up, attitude fueled ladies. Hot! I think this one has something to do with a video game, but really, who can tell?
Honestly I’ll admit that didn’t care much for most of this movie - it was a little too confusing and the hospital and dungeon settings didn’t really do it for me, but I will say that the chains in scene two were the perfect way to keep one’s balance as they are being fucked up to their tits. I did love me some scene three though, which gives us two chicks goin’ at it in a bathroom stall, using the urinal to prop their heels on to give the best pussy access for licking, sucking and a little hardcore fucking. Hot! Sure it’s a little germy when you think about it, but bathroom sex is can be super hot and this Vivid Premuim alt flick totally does it justice.
-J.D. Bauchery
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