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Movie Reviews
New reviews posted daily!
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What diving underground to find alligators has to do with fucking beats the hell out of me, I’ve decided to just accept it. Maybe it’s so they could use the line “I’ve been checking pipes all day, it’s only fair I get mine checked, right?” I’d say that’s as good an excuse as any. Sure the plot is totally random – divers checking the NYC sewers for alligators, and then needing to be quarantined by a group of naughty nurses, but it does lend nicely to some hot orgy action, especially with a young, fresh-faced Annie Sprinkle as the title’s Sue Prentiss, R.N. As her charge says “Oooh Marone!” Also, be sure to check out 54 minutes in, when one of the nurses goes above and beyond the Hippocratic Oath with a double dick sucking! Truly impressive.
-J.D. Bauchery
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Holy Crap! The dialogue in this movie is so perfectly porn! I can’t even describe it how amazing it is. It’s like watching a movie where they’re mocking porn, but with hardcore sex. I thought that the sex was spectacular in this movie, but Tommy Gunn is one of my favorite male performers, so I might be biased. Scene one starts the action off with an amazing scene. I’m not sure who the woman is, but she didn’t shut up and I loved it. Gunn pounds her after she deep throats his rock hard cock – and let me tell you, that doesn’t look like an easy feat! There’s also a pretty hot all-girl threesome that closes out the film and did I mention that Ron Jeremy plays the bad guy? If that’s not reason to check this one out, I’m not sure what would convince you.
The Porn Librarian
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While I’ve never been much into muscles, it’s always been really interesting to me to see how other people react to them. And in this Straight Guys For Gay Eyes flick, our gal Darina is all about the burly body. Not only does she rub down every part of Olda’s muscular frame, she craves his extra-thick cock in her pussy and he gives it to her in pretty much in every position they can think of. I’m pretty sure it’s Olda’s muscles that keep the action hot and hard with added stamina for the entire 30-minute video. Neither of them says much, or anything at all, but the constant moans and his explosive finish sum it up nicely. If you’re looking for a hard body plowing his way to ecstasy, look no further.
-J.D. Bauchery
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I’m not going to tell you that this movie is totally hot. You might think it is, but personally I love it for its art school weirdness. I have a special place in my heart for weird sex movies that make no sense. There’s not really a plot, but there are Vikings, so really, who am I to complain. We all know that plot is not necessary in adult, but just to get you curious, here is a list of things you’ll see:
1. Three really beautiful women. Seriously. They are absolutely stunning if you’re into the whole natural look.
2. Vikings tearing meat from bones while the women make out.
3. One dead Viking. I’m not sure what happens, but one guy finds himself on the wrong end of a sword.
4. Dudes drinking from horns. I just thought that was neat.
Anyways, you should watch this movie. It’s only seven minutes long and it’s pretty sweet. Will I be fantasizing about this film next time I’m getting romantic with myself? Definitely not – but it’s still totally awesome!
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The first time I saw this Morty Diamond Productions queer boi romp was at a hipster art gallery in Philly a couple of years ago. A room full of hot queers watching hot queer’s fuck on screen, complete with commentary by Morty Diamond himself, who was sitting on the side. I sweat just thinking about it. It was fucking hot then and just as hot sitting here, watching at my desk. I’ll totally admit I have a raging hard on for dirty gutter queers and tattooed, mohawked tranny boys and watching them have an all out orgy in an outdoor hot tub nearly did me in. At one point I couldn’t figure out where the fourth guy went, only to realize he was wedged between two other bois, taking it from the front and the back. But lets get to my favorite of favorite parts… the circle jerk in scene two. More line up than circle really, these dudes are just standing around, rubbing their bits and moaning. I loved seeing the different ways they fucked themselves and the differences in their genitals (some are probably altered by T). It was my perfect porno scene. Two thumbs up… well, if they weren’t down my pants.
-J.D. Bauchery
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I like porn parodies. Much like in my personal life, I think it’s important to be able to laugh at everything - even sexy stuff. I also really like celebrities, so I thought the character names in this movie would be above par, and they were, even for porn.
The scenes were amusing - Lindsay Blowhan can’t make it through the metal detector, Hairless Hilton and Cornhole Richie get some sex-ed on The Simple Life, Katherine Hymen and Sandra Ho get dirty on Grundel’s Anatomy, and Dumi Moore gives Gashton Coocher some head - but they weren’t really sexy. At the end of each scene, Gashton comes in to inform the “celeb” that they have been Spunk’d, and he blows a load all over their faces. Everyone laughs, and licks it all up.
That’s really it. Nick Manning makes a great Gashton - they both have a similarly irritating Midwestern accent. The movie is shot very well and there’s a great cast (Ron Jeremy, Hillary Scott, Evan Stone, Jada Fire, Steven St. Croix, Katie Morgan) and it’s definitely funny. I was just hoping for something a little sexier.
Oh well, maybe next season. Punk’d wasn’t that great at first either.
-M.
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I love me some dirty talk. There is just something about having someone ask you to pinch their nipples harder or if you like their wet pussy - totally seals the deal for me. And it only makes it better that Sativa is absolutely beautiful and charmingly kinky. I’ll readily admit that Richard, the guy in this flick, doesn’t really do it for me. He’s a crappy actor, a lazy lover and kinda rude to this girl he “just met” and is now fucking up to her tits. I will say that I like that he’s game for some sex toy play, including a dildo, which is a rarity in porn where one party has their own dick. I also love that they spend a little time dry humping before the clothes really go flying. All in all, this amateur tumble in the sack is pretty good. Sativa definitely gets two thumbs up and a smooch on the cheek from me!
-J.D. Bauchery
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This is for all of you women who love manly men. Man Hunt is all about hot Euro studs stripping out of their three piece suits to jerk off for you. I personally enjoyed the first scene starring Matthew Cameron best – he’s incredibly handsome and eager to show off. A lot of JO movies have guys who are staring off into space or totally not into it. You know they’re just there to make a quick buck and get out. Not Cameron, he’s totally focused on pleasure as he poses and rubs his hands all over his muscular body before blowing his load all over a leather bound notebook. The best part of the entire thing might be watching him get dressed after he’s done. I guess because it’s so unusual to for someone in porn to put their clothes on, but there’s something pretty hot about watching him arrange his tie as he struggles to compose himself.
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You know what you don’t see enough of in porn? People giggling because something that is happening that is supposed to be hot is actually ticklish to them. That pretty much sums up why I like AbbyWinders.com movies so much. The women fucking aren’t there to give some fake performance where they hump and cum with no depth to it. Sex isn’t totally perfectly hot all the time. People giggle, cough, sneeze, laugh and play, all while getting each other off. Their hair gets messed up and they get sweaty. If they don’t, is it really worth it?
Sorry, back to the review. I’m going to focus on scene one, with Violet and Fotina because it’s amazing and my favorite. I love the intensity in which they kiss each other and flip each others bodies around to get at the parts they want when they want. My ultimate favorite part about 41 minutes in when they’ve slowed down a little bit and Violet is just sitting on Fotina’s lap facing her and they are just kissing and trailing their hands over each other. Violet gathers Fotina’s long hair up in her hands for no reason other than she wants to. It’s obvious that the pair has long forgotten the camera on them and are just sharing an incredibly sexy and intimate moment. Does it get better than that?
-J.D. Bauchery
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Ah, fucking machines. If humanity had the same drive to feed the world it has to get people off using technology, hunger would be eradicated. I mean, who builds these things? I guess I should be thanking the geniuses behind these complicated machines. I love watching girls loose control and nothing does that more than a ride on a sybian or thrillhammer. Over the course of this thirty-five minute film, you’ll see the diminutive Penny Flame take on four man-made dildo drivers. Each scene is fascinating and totally wankable, but I loved the fourth because I can never watch enough sybian footage. If you want to see a woman’s mind blown, you need to check out Flame riding this amazing piece of machinery. It only takes a few minutes before she’s barely able to put together a sentence!
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