There is, to paraphrase a lovely old verse, something new beneath the visiting moon.
And I’ve been writing about it quite a bit lately, because I’m still somewhat in shock.
Let me begin by saying that I’ve never completely understood the whole “BDSM” thing. Or I thought I didn’t. I have met and befriended and even “played” with a few well-known masters and S/M couples, and I found the play interesting but not intoxicating. I wondered, then, why I kept “trying it again.” Maybe I’m just a sexual adventuress, I hypothesized. Maybe I’m drawn to extreme experiences and sensations as a sort of intellectual tradition.
The curious thing was that often people well-versed in BDSM would approach me, responding to some “vibe” they felt from me which caused them to believe I was “one of them.” (This even happened with one of the most well-regarded Masters in Los Angeles.) And after my scene with the amazing Kylie Ireland, she told me “It’s weird, but you have an affect on me that no other woman does. I’m submissive with most lovers, but with you, I don’t know if I want to kiss you passionately or beat the crap out of you.” She meant it in a loving way (Kylie and I are friends) but there it was again – I was giving off something that others were picking up on. What was it that I was emanating, and why?
And then I met a new lover, and things started to make sense.
After having sex for the first time with this person, I was in a state of intoxication unlike anything I’d experienced before. It didn’t feel like falling in love — or not in the usual romantic sense. It was more that I wanted to completely submit in ways I had only ever heard about others doing (and had always assumed they were “exaggerating” or being histrionic.) But the real difference with this person was that the dominance was expertly executed without any “props.” No floggers, canes, handcuffs, or blindfolds. Nothing that had previously caused me to think of BDSM as overwhelmed by accouterments and theater. With this lover it was all theater of the mind, and it knocked me on my ass.
“You want to be my slave?” he said, repeating my request with his hand around my throat. “Then you will have to do everything I say. And sometimes it will hurt, and sometimes it will be humiliating.” My whole body tingled with excitement and anticipation. Did I “want” to be his slave? ‘Want’ was too weak a word for what I felt. The desire I felt was without precedent.
And then I had a flashback. Years ago I had been in a strange relationship with a psychologically dominant person who initially exuded a state of utter self-control. He had the manner of someone who was slightly “above it all” and not prone to the emotional needs that afflict most mere mortals. He constantly spoke of being “unable to love,” and described his previous girlfriends as if they were odd species of insect he had studied for a time and ultimately lost interest in (due to their shortcomings and failings, not his.) He seemed untouched by life and by the relationships he’d had — as if for him no woman had ever crossed the rubicon into the land of the Lasting Impression. It was this detached quality that had drawn me in for reasons unknown to me, and I had pursued him with the belief that sex between us would be dark and perverse. Just before we began our affair he said to me, “You’re about to enter the darkest period of your life: your relationship with me.” Dazzled, I had played that statement in my mind over and over again, drunk with anticipation. I realized that was the last time I had felt that “all over body” shiver; that delicious excitement for what was to come.
But then my previous lover hadn’t been ‘dark’ after all – or at least not in the way I’d hoped. What I’d picked up on was not sexual dominance and expertise, but mental illness, emotional dysfunction and contempt for women. Plagued with anxiety and neurosis, his interest in sex was more theoretical than actual. He didn’t show any discernable passion, he wasn’t interested in doing anything kinky beyond the occasional threesome (and then, more so he could brag about it to his friends than for private enjoyment.) So throughout the relationship I felt in a state of denied gratification, as if I was always being teased and excited and then left hanging. I would insist on having sex all night long and still at the end feel unsatisfied. What was it that I wanted? Something big was missing, and I was always trying in vain to get it: groping in the dark, frustrated by things I couldn’t quite name. He was doing something to trigger a deeply sexual response in me, but there seemed to be no satisfying way for me to express it.
And now, without warning, I had stumbled upon the answer. Suddenly a lot of things began to make sense. Learning my need for a psychologically/sexually dominant male lover shed new light on my bisexuality and why I am attracted to women far more often than I am to men. (I don’t need a BDSM dynamic with women, and thus am able to be attracted to them more easily.) But I’ve also learned that true dominance is not synonymous with contempt or hostility — or withholding of love and emotion. In fact, as Ernest Green explained to me once, angry or hostile people make the worst masters and mistresses. Their state of mind is all wrong. Their “power” comes from weakness and inferiority disguised as strength, and ultimately it falls flat.
I also recalled something else Ernest Green said once about the BDSM state of mind: “It’s like being gay.” I’d silently scoffed at that notion, but now it was making sense. I had found, finally, a way to feel completely satisfied. It’s not the only kind of sex I’m capable of enjoying, but I realize now that I need a lover who has the capacity to expertly dominate as part of his sexual repertoire to feel fully engaged.
There is nothing more exciting than learning something new and important about the self that sheds light on past internal mysteries. After all, it’s only by knowing ourselves that we can be fair and honest with others. And to that end, I have made some definite progress.
I’m also making progress in other, less lofty ways, thanks to a little direction. Here’s a little hint: Butt plugs are awesome. And I think Sweetheart Video may need to do a girl/girl anal strap on DVD soon, don’t you? I’m hopeful that the visiting moon will stay a while. As long as we’re alive, and thinking, growing and learning, there are always new mysteries to uncover.
Sweetheart Video’s first releases Lesbian Confessions is now available AT HOTMOVIES and at local retail stores, as well as at www.sweetheartvideo.com. Lezlove Video has given the debut film a 5-star rating and it has earned 4 “A’s” from AVN.com
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I guess the old adage “never say never” is true after all.
I always said I would “never” do a boy/girl scene, and I meant it. And now here I am about to do one. Granted it’s going to be edited as soft-core so it won’t be an “explicit” scene. And it’s for a lesbian feature film, so I haven’t defected to the other side or anything. But it will still be a brand new experience for me.
Originally I didn’t expect the scene to have much importance. It was meant to show the relationship between a “straight girl” character and her cavalier, thoughtless boyfriend. I’d planned to cast a functional male performer in the boyfriend role, as soon as I could figure out who the best candidate was. But I certainly didn’t think I’d be into the scene on a sexual level — I just wanted to get it over with.
I’ll admit that it’s not often I feel an overwhelming attraction to a man. I experience moderate attractions from time to time, and every now and then get a respectable (if fleeting) “crush.” But rarely does it motivate me to spring into action. I don’t pursue men or dream of romantic trysts with them. I’m much more likely to develop such fantasies and feelings toward a girl.
But every once in a while my mind and body has an unexpected reaction to someone of the opposite sex. This exception happened most recently in Las Vegas during the 2008 AVN convention. I was hanging out at Circle Bar with Michelle Lay one night when somehow we got on the topic of male porn stars.
“I don’t know who any of them are,” I admitted. “I never watch boy/girl porn. I don’t think I’d want to be with any male porn stars. Oh, except maybe that one guy…”
“Who?” Michelle asked excitedly.
“I don’t know his name but he’s really beautiful – I think he’s French?”
“Manuel Ferrara!” she said, guessing the one man who fit that description.
“Is that his name? Yeah, he doesn’t seem like a typical porn guy, but I’ve never met him…”
And then suddenly, as if on cue, Manuel Ferrara was standing in front of us. It was as if he’d simply dropped out of the sky.
“Manuel — we were just talking about you!” Michelle said. “Nica was just saying that you’re the only guy whose porn she’d want to watch!”
Manuel turned to look at me and I was instantly frozen. Felled by a tragic case of “deer in the headlights” syndrome. Couldn’t move; couldn’t speak. Finally I uttered “hi” – or I think I did. Manuel was very gracious about my sudden catatonia, though he looked a bit puzzled. He was charming and friendly and then he moved on.
“Nica, I hate to say this, but you just acted kind of retarded in front of him,” Michelle whispered to me.
“I don’t know what happened,” I said. “I couldn’t even open my mouth.”
“Oh my god — YOU like a BOY!” Michelle teased.
Over the next few days it seemed the Gods were having a marvelous time at my expense. Everywhere I went I would run into Manuel Ferrara. I’d pass by him in the convention hall, at the bar, in the lobby, at the awards show. And any time our paths crossed Manuel would be charming, sweet and elegant. Me? I acted like a complete moron.
“Please do not be afraid of me,” Manuel said to me in his terrifyingly sexy French accent. He didn’t want me to be uncomfortable, and he couldn’t understand why I was having so much trouble.
“I’m sorry,” I told him. And I was sorry — for myself. I meant to act sophisticated and confident; not like a fifteen year old girl meeting her favorite rock star. But despite my odd behavior we managed to become friends by the end of the week. Our friendship was largely based on the fact that I couldn’t speak to him in full sentences, but to him that was part of my charm.
“I’d like to say more to you, but I just can’t seem to talk,” I explained.
“But that is what is so cute!” he said.
Manuel is nice to girls. I can’t stress enough how powerful that is, and how easy it is to pick up on. There are plenty of guys (particularly in Los Angeles) who strut around like they’re God’s gift to women, and exude a vaguely hostile, contemptuous vibe toward the gentler sex. Manuel is not one of those men. His love of women and generosity of spirit makes him even more beautiful than do his high cheekbones, full lips and gorgeous body. And that combination of extraordiary beauty and sincere humility is intoxicating.
When I returned to Los Angeles I turned my attention to Sweetheart’s next feature film, “Angel.” I needed to cast my character’s boyfriend — a role that would be limited to some heated dialogue and a quick soft-core scene. I called Katherine Annelle to ask her advice about male performers.
“What about Manuel Ferrara?” she suggested innocently.
The Gods were up to no good again. But the idea was certainly exciting, and I trust Kathy’s judgment. I decided to ask Manuel if he’d be interested. (That is, if I could get the words out.)
Manuel graciously agreed to play the role. Then he added, “You are aware that most people do not hire me for my acting, right?”
Gulp. Yes, I’m aware. Am I ever.
I told him that I’d never done a boy/girl scene before, so we’d both be trying out new territory albeit in different ways. He said he was game.
After casting Manuel it occurred to me that although the scene will be edited as soft-core, it will now be authentic — just as my girl/girl scenes are. I won’t be faking the attraction or the chemistry, and I know I can trust him to lead the way to a great scene — rather than one I just want to “get over with.”
So it seems the Gods weren’t having fun at my expense in Las Vegas, after all. They were just pointing me – speechless though I might have been – in exactly the right direction.
Look for Nica Noelle’s first ever boy/girl scene in the upcoming Sweetheart Video feature film, “Angel.” Check www.sweetheartvideo.com for more details and upcoming release dates.
Love,
Nica
Director, Writer & Performer
NicaNoelle@aol.com
SweetheartVideo.com
Watch Nica now!
(Watch her as Sydni Ellis!)
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As Ricky Ricardo might say, “I have a lot of ’splaining to do.”
When I last updated my HotmoviesForHer blog, I was with Girlfriends Films and my stage name was Sydni Ellis. Fast forward six months later and my new company is called Sweetheart Video and my name is now “Nica Noelle.”
What the hell happened? Well, it’s a bit of a story. Or rather, it’s a terribly long, dramatic, convoluted story about which some want to hear all the sordid details while others couldn’t care less. I’m going to assume, dear reader, that you fall somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.
First of all, I want to say that my time at Girlfriends Films was invaluable to me. Girlfriends Films showed me that you can be successful in porn by following your own heart and mind rather than sheepishly going along with the crowd. The founder of Girlfriends Films is a true innovator and he was generous enough to teach me things that otherwise would have taken me years to learn. I will always be grateful to him for giving me my start and the confidence to make films I believe in – even if they go against the conventional wisdom of what will sell.
But it was time for me to move on and find my own way. Jon Blitt of Mile High Media gave me that opportunity. I call him my “professional soulmate” because we’re always on the same page and it’s been that way since our very first meeting. Together we conceptualized and created Sweetheart Video, a girl/girl erotic studio that we hope will surpass all others in terms of quality, diversity and innovation.
Our first titles are getting ready to hit the shelves as I write. Set for release are Nina Loves Girls!, a documentary starring the legendary Nina Hartley where she explores her strong lesbian side (and explains in depth her philosophies about porn, love, monogamy and womanhood.); Lesbian Daydreams, a vignette series that shows what can happen when a woman’s erotic imagination runs wild; Rivals, a sexy catfight series that I’ve had a blast filming (I shot a scene with Kylie Ireland where she spat in my mouth! It was the hottest thing I’d ever experienced!), and many others. I’m finally doing the interracial series I’ve always wanted to do (Lesbian Beauties – Interracial), as well as a “kissing” video for hardcore kissing fans. And of course I’m continuing with my lesbian soap operas, beginning with Lesbian Chronicles – Wasted Years. In that series, I play a massage therapist and single mom who is searching for herself and for what really turns her on. It stars Elexis Monroe, Micah Moore, Keisha, Aubrey Adams, Kylie Ireland and many others. *Check Sweetheartvideo.com for news, galleries, and all the latest information about our upcoming releases.
Now, for the mysterious name change from Sydni to Nica. I know that’s probably the weirdest thing of all, and I realize I have to address it.
I changed my name because signing with Sweetheart was a new beginning for me. And I knew in my heart that this was going to be home, that it was going to be permanent (or as close as anything gets to permanent in this random, unstable world.) Nica is my real name, while Sydni was a name I thought of in a pinch (at my first shoot with Girlfriends Films when they asked how I wanted to be billed. “Ellis” was my then-lover’s middle name, and I took it as a little “inside joke” between us.)
In short, I chose the name Sydni Ellis before I realized I’d have a lifelong career doing erotic films and that I had actually stumbled upon my destiny. But now that I’m clearly on that path (I’m even writing a memoir), I can’t quite stomach being known forever by a name that means nothing to me.
It’s been a wild year, with lots of changes and triumphs and plenty of drama. I’m grateful to the lezlovevideo.com forum, an online community of lesbian erotica enthusiasts, for being true friends and supporting all of my decisions as well as being loyal enough to wait all these months for my new films.
So now that I’ve given you the backstory and you can rest assured that I’m not schizophrenic (yet!), I hope to get back to the business of making films and writing about my experiences here at HotmoviesForHer.com. I’ve never been so excited about the future – and the present – and I’ve never been so happy professionally. The Germans coined the term funkshunslust, and it means to experience pure joy by simply doing what you were born to do. It might sound funny, but I finally feel I’ve got that. Funkshunslust. (Hmm… sounds like a good title for a film, don’t you think?)
Please check out our website at SweetheartVideo.com and write to me at NicaNoelle@aol.com
Love,
Nica
Director, Writer & Performer
NicaNoelle@aol.com
SweetheartVideo.com
Watch Nica now!
(Watch her as Sydni Ellis!)
1 Comment »
One interesting (and mildly terrifying) facet of my life as a porn actress is that I don’t necessarily know who I’m going to be having sex with on a given day. It’s a little like arranging a boxing match — who do the fans want to see go at it? Who would make good ‘opponents’? Sometimes conventional wisdom is correct, and other times — as highlighted in my last column — it’s a bit of a disaster.
And sometimes you strike gold and you find yourself in a scene with Stephanie Swift.
Most people know her as that former Wicked contract girl, the super hot, exotic-looking one who seems a little… glum. Stephanie is not blonde and big boobed, nor is she particularly bubbly. There’s something sincere about her, a hint of something genuine. A longing, or a sadness. It comes across on screen and it’s even more apparent in real life.
My scene with her was for my series, Lesbian Psychotherapist. Her character and mine have a tense exchange after which she slips something into my drink that causes me to want to do whatever she says. Before the scene began, Stephanie sat alone on the couch studying a dozen or so flash cards on which she’d written her lines. While the rest of the cast and crew joked around with each other, she was preparing. Despite the fact that she’s worked on some of the biggest productions for the biggest studios in the industry, she obviously took my small budget film no less seriously. Stephanie explained that she liked scripts, she likes to act. She prefers having something interesting to say and do, along with the sex.
Stephanie is one of those stars, like Marilyn Monroe, who goes through a great metamorphisis when she turns it “on.” When I first met her, she was in “civilian” mode: no makeup, sweat clothes, frazzled from having been stuck in traffic. But something happens when she decides to become “Stephanie Swift.” She begins to radiate genuine, high voltage sex appeal — it’s not a put on, it’s not a con. It’s the real thing. She becomes breathtakingly beautiful, the fantasy you didn’t even realize you had, come to life.
“I’m not the blonde hair, blue eyed girl with the big boobs,” she told me once of her unique appeal, “but I’m the one you won’t be able to get out of your mind.”
When our sex scene began, I realized that I was nervous in a way that I generally am not. The reality of the situation hit me — I was about to do a scene with Stephanie Swift. Was I crazy? I wasn’t nearly in her caliber — what was I thinking? I was suddenly terrified that I was going to make myself look bad; or even worse, make HER look bad. My porn life suddenly flashed before my eyes. “Sydni Ellis Gets Overly Ambitious, Ruins Career” the next day’s adult trade papers would say.
As Stephanie and I began to kiss, I immediately relaxed. She’s known for her small, delicate mouth, but what isn’t as well known is how unbelievably soft her lips are. She kisses in a slow, sensual manner that most porn actresses don’t. Stephanie takes her time; truth and realism is her thing. I suddenly felt less like I was on a porn shoot and more like I was on a date. With someone I really, really liked. And perhaps even more importantly, with someone who liked me.
The rest of the sex scene is a blur in terms of who did what to whom. I just know that I had a real orgasm, which doesn’t always happen. And after the scene was over, I felt different than I usually do. I felt like I had a huge crush on Stephanie, and I also felt I was a better porn star than I’d given myself credit for. What scene was I afraid I’d ruin? I had just done the best scene of my career!
The wonderful thing about truly gifted stars like Stephanie Swift is that they make their partners look good. When you’re with them, basking in the glow of their reflected talent, you can claim some of the credit yourself. “I had something to do with this, too,” you say, and pat yourself on the back.
Of course, I did have something to do with it. I was fully involved in the scene, really into Stephanie, and didn’t fake a thing. But I was left with the suspicion that Stephanie had a large role in getting me to that place; in her understated, humble way, that she had allowed me to believe, for that brief period of time, that it was real. That’s what all great actors do, and porn stars should be no different. In Stephanie Swift’s case, her work is her art, and the validity of her approach is apparent. It’s why she’s in the Hall of Fame, and it’s why my scene with her is by far my most memorable.
Look for “Lesbian Psychotherapists 1″ coming later this month, from Girlfriends Films.
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
SydniEllis.net
Watch Sydni now!
3 Comments »
In recent years, as porn has trended toward the more extreme and novelty-oriented, an act called “squirting” has gained popularity. The proper term, I’ve been told, is “female ejaculation,” and not everyone can do it. Or alternatively, everyone CAN do it. It largely depends on who you talk to, and it’s hard to know whom to believe. Sex Educator Deborah Sundahl has made a career of writing and speaking about female ejaculation and after 20 years she’s still going strong. This suggests most laypeople are still in the dark about the ultimate Female Orgasm, and it’s taking a while for us to get up to speed.
And because we are ignorant, we can be fooled. You see, squirting, to the untrained eye, can look a lot like pissing. And sadly, sometimes it really IS pissing.
I found this out the hard way.
A while back, I worked with a woman – let’s call her Karla — who had suddenly in mid-career developed the ability to “squirt.” Karla was in her forties and having trouble getting work, even with the current MILF craze. Actually, she seemed to be having some trouble coping with life in general. Karla had an unsettling affect to her personality; high strung and prone to inexplicable mood swings. It was hard not to wonder if she was abusing drugs — prescription or otherwise.
I knew from experience that squirting doesn’t happen spontaneously for everyone; I had yet to come within a million miles of doing it myself, no matter how intense my orgasm. So when Karla developed overnight an ability to “squirt,” I thought: well that’s kind of odd, but okay. Good for her, she’ll get more work now.
Besides, despite her slightly unnerving personality traits, I liked Karla. She seemed fairly harmless. She was a bit lost perhaps, but then aren’t we all in some way? She was just less able to hide it, I supposed, and I felt for her. Karla wore her emotional instability like a big red hat: you couldn’t ignore it and she clearly had no interest in taking it off. One just had to shrug his or her shoulders and work around it.
Karla was all over the place during our sex scene. She vacillated between nervous wreck, passionate lover, and batshit crazy. She told me I was beautiful, that she wanted to marry me, that she loved me. She told me to rub her pussy, oh rub it harder, harder… ooh I’m gonna squirt on you baby… oooh you’re gonna make me squirt…
Then out it came, in great gushy spasms, drenching my skin. Karla moaned as if she were having the orgasm of her life. And then it hit me.
The smell.
The unmistakable stench of urine perfumed the air, wafting up into my nose, taunting me: “Surprise, fool!” My naked breasts and stomach were saturated, and as a tiny pool of liquid collected in my bellybutton I noticed it had to it a distinct yellow tint. “Squirting,” from what I’ve heard, is clear or has a slightly cloudy appearance. Likewise, the aroma of female ejaculation is often described as “sweet” and “light.” I have yet to hear it described as smelling “eerily like piss.”
Still, I had little choice but to continue kissing Karla, grinding on her, letting her fuck me crazystyle. The cameras were rolling, so I couldn’t react, I couldn’t show outrage, couldn’t run out of the room. I recalled a line from a Stephen King thriller I’d recently seen: “We have a job to do, and we don’t rattle.” I silently reminded myself that urine is sterile — or at least I thought I’d heard that once, somewhere. I now hoped it was really true.
After the scene was over, I thanked Karla for working with me, and darted from the room as fast as I could. There would be no way to change or shower before I went home, and I was desperate to leave. The stench of urine seemed trapped in my nose, and as many times as I washed my hands I was still convinced I could smell it on my fingers. To paraphrase Shakespeare, “water could not wash away her sin.”
Ironically, I had always been curious about “golden showers.” I admit I’ve have had the occasional fantasy of sitting in a shower stall submissively hunched against the wall while being peed upon by a dominant, powerful, sexual superior. I don’t go around announcing that, and I’ve never actually sought it out, but there it is. Now, Karla had ruined that fantasy. Karla’s piss was not a display of erotic dominance and power, but a pathetic act of desperation; desperation for more work, more attention, more value as a performer. I felt a bit sick, as if I had witnessed someone in a psychiatric free-fall. After all, what kind of person would dare to piss on another’s naked body without their consent?
Maybe Karla thought that it didn’t matter much. Female ejaculation, cum, pee — six of one, half a dozen of the other. A body fluid is a body fluid. Or maybe she assumed nobody would mind, as long as it didn’t get them in the face or mouth. I’m sure she didn’t think it would actually harm anyone.
But it did. Sex is a complicated dance, and different body fluids communicate vastly different ideas. For instance, if I let you cum in my mouth it’s because I’m totally hot for you and I want you to know it. If you’re a woman and you squirt on my body, I regard it as a baptismal of sorts, a sex-sister ritual, and I feel honored to be a part of it.
But if you piss on me without asking, you’ve just blindsided me and caught me off guard. You’ve introduced a dynamic that I didn’t ask for and that you might not be able to offer anyway. The terms “pissing” and “cumming” are not synonymous, and if you try to pass one off as the other, you’re not going to fool anyone for long. And yet, I think Karla routinely does fool people.
When I first read about Deborah Sundahl, I snickered at the notion that she’d devoted her life to educating people about female ejaculation. “How much can there be to say?” I scoffed. But lately I’ve found myself looking her up online, and I may have to order another copy of her book. It’s time to get up to speed on the art of squirting, and to hopefully come up with some methods of self defense, should I ever need it. Maybe I’m kidding myself, but then again Ms. Sundahl has made a career of educating people just like me. And a little knowledge never hurt anyone.
To learn more about female ejaculation and the difference between ejaculate and pee, visit Deborah Sundahl’s website at www.isismedia.org.
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
Watch Sydni now!
1 Comment »
I know it’s been a while since I’ve done a column; life has been coming at me fast and furious lately, and it’s been all I can do to just catch my breath and keep moving. It’s not always a pretty sight, but at the same time I’ve really never been happier.
Most of my joy lately has come from the simple pleasure of talking to and corresponding with fans. What I’ve come to realize, not that it’s much of a surprise, is that the average porn viewer is much smarter and more thoughtful than most people like to believe. While most of us enjoy some form of pornography (or, for those of you who don’t like that word: “erotica,”) we still tend to make broad and unfair generalizations about the typical porn consumer. It reminds me of when I was a stripper — almost every customer would at some point say to me, “You must meet some real freaks and weirdos in your line of work.”
“Actually,” I would reply, “Most of them are just like you.”
Nobody ever thinks of adult entertainment enthusiasts as being “just like them.” For most of us, our love of porn is a little peccadillo, a harmless secret, a slight eccentricity in the personality of an otherwise normal, multi-faceted person. We don’t define ourselves by our love of erotica, yet we’re quick to define others by theirs. And it’s usually to discredit them: their opinions, their worth, their intelligence. It’s just another form of self hatred and deep seated shame. And it’s time to get rid of it.
I’m inspired more than ever lately to believe that’s possible, and that I’ll see it in my lifetime. As more intelligent, well adjusted people “come out” about their love and enjoyment of adult entertainment, the stigma attached to it becomes less powerful. The dozens of well written, thoughtful letters I get each day asking me to please continue writing story-driven erotic films and to emphasize dialogue tell me that people are ready to expect more from adult studios, and they’re not afraid to ask for it. The message is: “I’m not dumb. Please don’t give me a film that will make me feel stupid.”
I’m obviously new to the genre, and I have a lot to learn. But I have the rest of my life to get it right. And to all of the fans who take time out of their busy, full lives to give me feedback, ideas, suggestions, criticisms and support, please know how valuable it is to me and to Girlfriends Films.
Now that I’m back on track with my writing schedule, please check in next week when I’ll tell you all about the experience of being on Nina Hartley’s show (check it out May 29th! go to www.nina.com for details!) and my impressions of working with the spectacular Stephanie Swift, who will star in Girlfriends Films upcoming release, Lesbian Psychotherapists II.Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
Girlfriends Films
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
GirlfriendsFilms.com
Watch Girlfriends Films now!
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Anything can be done well or poorly, and porn is no exception. Just as it takes time and practice to become a good lover in real life, the same is true for performing well in adult films. And, again as in real life, what turns on one person can be anathema to another. But there are certain rules that seem to apply, regardless of personal taste.
The first rule of being a good adult performer is to be “into” the scene, involved with your partner and passionate about the encounter. This means keeping connected to your costar, both physically and — for lack of a better term — “emotionally.” Eye contact, constant touching, increased breathing, gazing at each other lovingly; all of these things are fundamental. Let your arms go limp at your side for a moment while she’s kissing you, and you’ve just communicated a lack of enthusiasm to your entire audience. After all, you’re supposed to be in the throes of passion and you have to convey that with your body, your eyes, and your attitude in every frame of the film. It’s not as elementary as some might think.
At the same time, you have to be aware of the fact that you are, at bottom, performing for the benefit of others. Being aware of where the camera is, approaching your costar from an angle at which the camera can get a good view of the action, and choosing positions that are possible to shoot well are important things to remember. But we obviously don’t consider those issues in our real life sexual encounters, so it takes some adjusting to get used to it. Some performers master these new requirements quickly while others never really do.
Recently, I had the experience of breaking in a “newbie” who had never before performed in front of a camera. She’d been a stripper years ago, but that was the extent of her involvement in the adult industry. But she identified as bisexual, and she was curious to see if lesbian porn would be a fit for her. We scheduled the scene to be shot at her home and in her own bed, so that she’d feel as comfortable as possible.
What amazed me was what a natural she was, both as an actress and as a sex performer. Her reactions were authentic (her nervousness worked well with the storyline we used), and her sexual responses were entirely believable. Did she really orgasm? I don’t know, and I didn’t ask. But if she didn’t, she’s one hell of a faker. I was definitely impressed, but it also got me wondering – why does this come so easily to some of us, and not to others? For instance, as much as I love sex, and as enthusiastic as I was about becoming a performer, it took me much longer to get comfortable with all of the many things I have to be aware of during a shoot. Whereas this new girl seemed to master it right away.
People assume that porn is a job anyone can do, and that it takes no special talent or skill level. But nothing could be further from the truth. The saying “the camera doesn’t lie” definitely applies in this area of entertainment — possibly more than in any other. At Girlfriends Films we edit very little of the actual sex scenes, so it’s important that the girls truly enjoy each other and what they’re doing. If they don’t, it will not only show in the finished product, but it will be exaggerated to the 10th power. There’s really no escaping what the camera sees, and it’s hard to “fake the funk.”
It occurs to me that what makes a good sex performer is probably very much like what makes a good lover in real life. Attention to your partner, passion, intimacy, and enthusiasm can make up for what may be lacking in other areas. But above all, the most important quality may be simple sincerity. We know which performers bring truth to their scenes, which performers are truly gifted at what they do. To watch Stephanie Swift in just about anything is to be struck by her quality of realness and authenticity. Some people emanate that, and it may always be something of a mystery as to why it’s so strong in some and not in others.
As with any expression of performance that dares to call itself “art,” (as I believe porn should be entitled to do), there is also in the best works, an element of grace. A great sex scene should play like a beautifully choreographed dance, with the performers blending into each other, their bodies in harmony. It”s hard to say what makes that happen, because our understanding of such things is still fairly limited. But for now, we’ll file it away under the heading of “magic,” and continue to strive for it in all of our films.
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
Girlfriends Films
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
GirlfriendsFilms.com
Watch Girlfriends Films now!
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Not that long ago, when a female adult industry performer reached the big 4-0, it was pretty much a given that it was time to move on to that “new career” as a psychologist, real estate agent, or soccer mom. After all, porn was a young woman’s game. Like fashion modeling or ballet, it was simply the way of the industry, and it was nothing personal. Sure, there were always the extraordinary beauties who managed to stretch their careers to, say, 45 (all the while claiming to be 32) but that was the exception, not the rule. And women who stayed in porn past their prime were thought to be rather sad and cautionary tales: Here’s what happens if you don’t find something else to do with your life. You can end up an old lady, still sticking your head between someone’s legs for less and less money each time.
Well, times do change, don’t they? These days, older women are in demand like never before, and for some companies, such as Girlfriends Films, finding gorgeous women 35 and over is our main priority. The “older/younger” dynamic (placing a young girl in a scene with an older woman) is perhaps the biggest seller in the girl/girl genre right now. Part of this can probably be attributed to the recent “MILF” craze, but it’s also because women just look better these days, and they stay looking that way for much longer. With advancements in anti-aging plastic surgery and cosmetic “maintenance” procedures, along with regular workouts at the gym, it’s reasonable that a woman can expect to look 25 or 30 when she’s actually a decade older.
It’s also become reasonable for a woman to embark on a career in porn when she’s approaching menopause.
Our most recent and exciting find was a woman named Magdalene. Tall, striking, and sophisticated, Magdalene caught our eye on the final day of the AVN show in Vegas earlier this year. She was a civilian, simply walking around and looking at the booths for kicks and thrills, but we were struck by her commanding presence, her aura, her perfect bone structure. We admit it — we propositioned her. She was, thankfully, flattered. She said she would think about it, and we assumed she was just being polite. She was probably about 42, we thought, and a middle aged civilian is not really very likely to suddenly decide to be a porn star.
We were wrong. Magdalene contacted us when we returned to LA, and we had dinner to discuss the possibility of her starring in a Girlfriends Films DVD. She said she was excited by the idea of this new world opening up to her at a time when many women are coming out the other side of their sexual prime, and steadying themselves for the “lean years” of less and less sex with their significant other. Instead Magdalene was embarking on a brand new sexual adventure, and one could tell just by looking at her flushed cheeks and sparkling eyes that this was the shot of life she hadn’t even known she needed.
We scheduled her first shoot, but because Magdalene was a civilian we didn’t expect much from her first time in front of the camera. She had told us she was firmly bisexual, though, and we allowed her to choose her partner. She chose Lena, a young, beautiful classic blonde.
The scene was amazing. We knew we had found a true star in Magdalene. And for her part, she feels that life has opened up anew, and presented her with new possibilities for sexual exploration, friendship, sisterhood. Not to mention the chance to perform; an experience the former dancer and actress craves in order to feel complete.
It may sound silly, but even the New York Times recently ran an article about older people getting into porn — not watching it, but performing in it. The industry is waking up to the fact that viewers want to see people who are really enjoying sex and are grateful for the opportunity to re-experience their “wild youth” again, with some of the world’s most beautiful people. The contrast between older women and young, inexperienced, but wildly enthusiastic girls seems to be the ultimate recipe for sexual arousal. At least until the next big thing comes around.
Magdalene plans to shoot for us every week, for as long as we request her presence in our films. Judging from her beauty and enthusiasm, I think it’s safe to assume that will be for quite a long time. And I hope her new career will continue to enhance her life in every way.
Here’s hoping that the new crazes in porn will continue to be so female-positive and older women-friendly. In a business known for its objectification and exploitation of women, it’s good to see that such gross generalizations may become as outdated as the notion that no one wants to see someone’s mom get laid.
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
Girlfriends Films
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
GirlfriendsFilms.com
Watch Girlfriends Films now!
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My introduction to porn began many years ago. Long before I started working for Girlfriends Films.
I starred in a B/G (boy/girl) video when I was in my early 20s. My costar was my live-in boyfriend, who had a large penis but had never before performed in an adult film and, prior to meeting me, had never considered doing so. However, the notion of his girlfriend fucking a male porn star filled him with a special dread, so he agreed to “costar” in my porno debut. He was the lead singer for a garage band at the time and was quite certain fame was waiting in his future, so he wore a cap pulled down over his face to disguise his identity. However, I was totally recognizable. I had no illusions of grandeur, and I felt relatively sure I’d never run for public office.
It was hard for my boyfriend to “perform” during the scene. The director was nice, but, well, creepy. Not creepy in a sleazy way, but in a “This guy seems nice, but it grosses me out when he calls semen ‘goo,’ in that whispery voice of his,”- way. Often the nice, passive porn guys do seem creepier than the jaded, “show me your tits” types. Perhaps we’ll explore why in a future column.
After we finished the shoot, my boyfriend and I went to McDonalds and ate our double cheeseburgers in silence.
“That was weird,” I finally said.
He nodded, his mouth full. More silence.
We never spoke of it again.
Years later, I was working as a freelance journalist and I thought it would be fun to write an article about the experience of performing as a fetish model. I had long ago left the sex industry, and I didn’t want to have anal sex or suck anyone’s cock to get the article done; I just wanted to write about a “normal girl” doing something freaky. I posted a resume on sexyjobs.com so I could answer one of the ads I’d seen posted. (*You have to “register” and post a resume to answer an ad.) The ad of my interest was looking for models who wanted to be “spanked.”
“I love being spanked!” I thought, merrily composing my responsive email. “This will be a killer article.”
I went to New York and performed in the spanking video (for Kelly Payne) and indeed wrote an article about the experience for Spread Magazine.
And that, I thought, was that.
About a month later, though, I received an email from someone claiming to be a talent agent at a well known porn studio. He had seen my resume on sexyjobs.com, he said, and he wanted to represent me.
“Really?” I said. I had forgotten that my resume and photo were still posted on the site. I was flattered, and curious. He sent me a questionnaire/application and asked that I check the boxes corresponding to everything I was willing to do as a porn actress.
I looked over the application and felt at a loss.
“Cream Pie”? Okay, no idea what that is.
“DP” Um … the fact that it’s referred to by its initials implies that its full name dare not be spoken, so I’m gonna check “NO…”
“B/B/G, G/G/B, B/G…”
What was I getting into?
“NO.” “NO.” “NO.”
“NO.”
I checked “YES” for the boxes next to “G/G” “Solo” and “Fetish.” Then I emailed the application back to the prospective “agent.”
Within an hour, I had in my inbox his angry reply.
“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” he demanded to know, in all caps. “You’re at least ten years older than most girls entering the industry, and you ONLY want to go G/G? You’re not going to work at all!! You should take that resume down because you’re misleading people!”
Ouch.
I took a deep breath, and began to compose my response.
“You’re probably right,” I began typing. I knew I shouldn’t really be emailing during work. After all, I had a fax to send for the lawyer I worked for, but I decided that could wait. This felt more important than my job at the law firm. I knew that was irrational, but I still kept typing.
“I certainly didn’t mean to waste your time,” I continued. “I posted that resume so I could write an article, and I actually forgot it was up there. You’re right that I should probably take it down. I realize that I’m competing with much younger women who are willing to do way more, so I’m already at a disadvantage. I hope you understand that I didn’t mean to mislead you, and perhaps our paths will cross under better circumstances in the future.”
I didn’t think he’d bother to reply. The fact that he did, almost right away, was the first of many surprises.
“That,” his response began, “was the nicest email I’ve ever received. How about this: I’d still like to represent you.”
I met with him in person later that week, and he handed me off to another agent who specialized in women who performed only G/G. He took me on a go-see to meet the President of Girlfriends Films.
“Well, we can definitely use you,” the President of GFF said, after asking me if I had any tattoos. (Only a small one, on my ankle.) He booked me for a scene later that week.
The first scene I shot for Girlfriends Films, as I have documented in a previous column, was far from an award winning performance. But after the scene, the GFF camera woman took me aside and said “You know, I think you’re going to be a big star for us. Don’t let that other girl’s performance discourage you. We LIKE you.”
Before I left, the President had booked me for two more scenes later that week. And after those, still more. Within six months, I was writing my own series for Girlfriends Films, and giving my notice at the law firm. Life had taken a sharp left, and I was a little dizzy but felt I knew where I was going. Like those people who claim to drive better when they’re a little drunk, I forged ahead full of confidence that my crazy decision to ditch the “real world” and devote myself to porn was a completely valid career choice.
It’s hard to know what form destiny takes, or why. Why does porn call to me and not to you? Why are some destined to be a lawyer, a baseball player, an opera singer? Why does it happen that in some instances the planets align, and even if some little details go wrong, somehow there is a quick recovery and then onward to glory? Meanwhile, other things we more consciously devote ourselves to are marked by repeated failures, our efforts are thwarted, as we once again submit to bang our head against the wall in denial?
I can’t explain why I answered that “agent’s” email and took a chance on meeting him, or why ultimately I left a stable job to embark on a career as a porn director. I only know that it felt right. And in a world where so many things feel wrong so much of the time, when something feels right it’s best not to question it. I’m still not sure where this journey will take me, but I have never been happier in a profession than I am right now. And if the great philosophers were right and the present is truly eternal, then today’s happiness is enough, however long it lasts.
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
Girlfriends Films
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
GirlfriendsFilms.com
Watch Girlfriends Films now!
Come see Sydni Ellis! An evening of literary performance with Spread Magazine where Sydni will read from her feature article on Kelly Payne.
Where: Bowery Poetry Club in NYC
When: Monday Feb. 19th from 8-10 pm
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Lately people have been writing to me to tell me how excited they are to see a woman creating erotic films they can feel good about watching. I can’t tell you how much that means to me. In fact, if I couldn’t do something positive in porn, I wouldn’t be here at all. I have such love for the adult industry and for the brave men and women who endure the stigma placed on us by society (that is, by the very people who enjoy our work when they’re in lonely hotel rooms or need a little boost to their sex lives). It’s quite a service we offer and we don’t get a whole lot of respect for our efforts. It’s become very important to me to do what I can to change that.
But I wasn’t always so clear on how I felt about my role in the sex industry. In fact, I wasn’t always so clear on how I felt about sex work in general.
I was an exotic dancer for many years, and like so many sex workers, when I decided to leave and re-enter “mainstream America” the decision was abrupt. When you reach “burn out”, it often comes with little warning, although looking back of course the signs were there. After leaving the world of sequins and platform heels, I changed my phone number, moved into a new apartment, got a “real” job, and a new circle of non-sex worker friends. My resume was a pack of lies, and I avoided talking about myself except in the vaguest terms. I’d decided that my past was something best forgotten, and that I no longer wished to carry the stigma, or exhibit the mannerisms, of the girl I’d so recently been.
But instead of feeling “free” of my past, as the months went by I could think of little else. I analyzed my obsession with my former life to mean that the sex industry had damaged me even more than I’d thought. Why else would I feel so defined by it? Why else was I continually menaced by the intrusive thoughts and memories I was trying so hard to forget?
Confused and angry, I began doing late night Internet searches, googling the words “stripper” and “ideology”. I was hoping to find some smart person out in cyberspace who had written an article or thesis on stripping and its effects — something that could help me. I wanted to analyze what I was feeling, and I needed to figure out what I thought about the adult industry.
I simply wasn’t at peace.
From my searches, the name “Alysabeth” and “Feminist Stripper” came up several times. There was a site called Alysabeth.com, also known as FeministStripper.com and it addressed the very things I was feeling. The creator of the website was a stripper named Alysabeth who lived in Colorado. She was my age, with flaming red hair and a face like Botticelli’s Venus (literally – the paintings of Venus and photographs of Alysabeth are eerily similar.) Her writing style was brilliant, funny, sarcastic, angry and challenging. She was pro-sex work, pro-stripping, and anti the very ideologies I had recently decided to buy into. She rejected the position of people like me; strippers who blamed the industry for their own weaknesses, and who believed that their sexuality was the enemy of their personhood.
I kept reading her essays. And then I read some more. Alysabeth had a lot to say, and said it better than anyone I’d ever heard of.
Her response to the argument that stripping isn’t an art, but just a bunch of messed up women “humping a brass pole”?:
“Most strippers I know are exceptionally lovely. Not only that, but a talented stripper ‘humps a brass pole’ the same way a ballerina ‘jumps around the stage.’ Real erotic dance is graceful and evocative. There is nothing that keeps stripping from being acknowledged as dance and therefore an art form except sour grapes and closed minds.”
About the validity of porn and the value of women who perform in x-rated films?:
“Good porn, like any kind of art, is much more than the sum of its parts. Just as there are talented artists and hacks in any field, there is bad and good porn. In many cases, it’s a beautiful, sensual woman who chooses to share her sexuality as a piece of art. Yes, she does it for money. Revenue doesn’t negate artistic value, as any starving painter or actor will tell you when they’re waiting for their big break.”
This woman was brilliant. I had to talk to her.
I wrote her an email. I waited, compulsively checking my email, desperate to read her reply. It finally came, and thus began a debate between us that would last the better part of a year. I challenged her ideologies, she challenged my abrupt departure from the world I had called home my entire adult life. What we learned, in those months, was that we needed each other intellectually and as comrades in the sex industry, and that we were destined to be life long friends.
Though we were separated by thousands of miles, Alysabeth became as important to me as my own family. I can’t imagine how different life would be if I hadn’t “met” her at that dark, confusing time in my life. With her bigger than life intellect, insider’s take on the sex industry, and her deep love and respect for women, Alysabeth helped me to see that I didn’t need to reject my past to respect myself. I could be a former sex worker, or a current one, and still be smart, political, creative, beautiful and productive. A career in the sex industry was not synonymous with self destruction. The mere fact that Alysabeth existed confirmed this was true.
Years later, when I took over as the head of production at Girlfriends Films, I knew I would need to bring fresh writers on board. Alysabeth was the first person I thought of. I contacted her and asked if she would be interested. Although her essays have been quoted in Masters Theses and her articles have appeared in countless newspapers and magazines, she had never before written a porn script. And though she’s an acclaimed Shakespearean actress, she had never performed in a porn film. But with her typical aplomb, she dove right in and on her first try handed me a script with dialogue so superior to the average porn scene that I wondered if we might have to dumb it down.
And then I remembered – we don’t dumb things down. Not at Girlfriends Films. And Alysabeth certainly doesn’t. Her contributions will elevate our already rising company to something even greater – of that I’m certain.
Thanks for coming on board, Alysabeth. We’re honored to have your wit, style, and intellect on our side as we forge ap to a new future in adult erotic entertainment.
(Alysabeth “The Feminist Stripper” will be contributing scripts to Girlfriends Films on a regular basis. You can read more about Alysabeth at myspace.com/feministstripper)
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
Girlfriends Films
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
GirlfriendsFilms.com
Watch Girlfriends Films now!
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