You may have been living under a rock yesterday, so hopefully the Porn Librarian was the first to tell you (ok, probably the millionth) some exciting news – there just may be a Josh Hartnett sex tape.
Since I am a foremost authority on details, I’ll recap the important stuff – Josh Hartnett, public sex in library, caught on surveillance. Oh, and Red Light District released a press release offering $500,000 for the video.
I am not one to let sleeping dogs lie (or let secret Josh Hartnett sex tapes remain secret), so I am publishing 3 public letters to the entities that I feel can help make my wish a reality.
Dear Power Greater Than Me,
Thank you for coming close to finally answering my prayers that for once a celebrity sex tape may possibly exist that features someone I actually find attractive. Many seem to be staged leaks featuring people I’m not necessarily interested in watching clothed, let alone doing the dirty; but I think this just may be my moment.
Josh Hartnett may not be my first choice, but he’s in the long list for sure. I will continue to cross my fingers in hopes that one day I will be witness to this promising tape and that it will not be a fantastic disappointment.
Yours always (at least sometimes),
Dear Red Light District,
I have just read that you are offering money for this tape! While I know many of your past celebrity tape acquisitions have been a financial boon, I must admit they left me feeling much to be desired. I lust over many celebrities, yet you keep seeming to find the ones that are on my “no” list.
Exhibit A – Screech
Now, I think we can all agree Zach and A. C. Slater were the real hotties here. Zach not so much any more, but Slater has only gotten better (good bye Z. Cavaricci’s!). Mr. Red Light District, I know you take what you can get, but did you not see the show? Only poor geeky Violet took Screech, and while we all know beneath those big glasses and ill-fitting dresses she was a true gem, I highly doubt she’d stand for a fake dirty sanchez.
Remember Lisa Turtle’s voice of repellent in every episode? I rest my case.
So, to hear that you are trying to get Josh Hartnett’s sex tape is music to my ears and sends tingles to my hoo-ha! Please, please, be nice to him and allow my hungry eyes witness to his raw sex. In a library. Please.
My Faith Is With You,
My Dearest Josh Hartnett,
I’d like to begin by saying that the vision of you keeps me warm on cold nights. For every porn movie I watch that does not star a few certain key males (Tommy Pistol, Manuel Ferrara, or Kurt Lockwood), I envision your face on the mulleted/poorly bleached/bald-headed man.
I am deeply saddened to hear that your most intimate privacy may have been invaded! In a public library no less! However, as with everything that appears bad on the surface, something good can always be brought out of it. This good I speak of, is fulfilling so many female (and male!) fantasies without having to do any more effort on your part. Imagine it! What you thought was a mere night of bliss which would end as soon as you exited into the streets could now turn into financial gains and happy women the world over! You want people to be happy, don’t you, Josh?
Please don’t think that I’m pressuring you. I’m merely trying to open your mind to magnificent mass sexual satisfaction that you could give to women without risking severe mortal exhaustion from physical attempts at this feat. I’m only thinking of your best interest.
I think you know the right decision in this situation (do it.), so I will I close with an earnest plea from a dear friend:
“I emplore you to do this good and noble deed for women everywhere.”
Hoping and praying to see your penis on-screen soon,
PS – Should you feel more effort IS necessary, I will gladly make good use of you. I have included a pic to illustrate our potential happiness together.