First, a little back story: I created Sweet Sinner Films because I had a hunch that straight porn fans might appreciate the same things that had set apart Sweetheart Video from typical girl/girl films: Real passion, real sex, real orgasms. Storylines. A bit of emotion to enhance, not detract, from scorching hot, realistic sex scenes. I’ve always found that jerking off to dumb, fake-looking porn is an empty experience, so I sought to create girl/girl films I’d want to jerk off to myself. Why wouldn’t fans of straight porn want the same things I did? I took a bet that they would.

The only problem was I didn’t know what I was doing, exactly. Although I’m bisexual in my real life, my porn of choice has always been strictly girl/girl. So when I showed up that fine morning to direct my first penis, all I really had to go on was how I make love to men in real life.

And because my ignorance was common knowledge to those around me, there was no shortage of concerned folks to take me aside and tell me I was making a big mistake. That straight porn was “different” than girl/girl (for more than the obvious reasons). The sensibility was different, the positions were different, viewer expectations were different. Was I really intending to try to bring my lovey-dovey girl/girl mentality to the harsh world of boy/girl porn? (As one fan famously joked, “Sweetheart Video – Now with Cock!”)

Sure enough, I did have some new “issues” to confront. For instance, what to do when a guy can’t quite keep his erection, and the girl is getting frustrated and upset. That obviously doesn’t happen in girl/girl encounters, where the scene can almost always proceed, uninterrupted, from start to finish. But in straight porn, the scene’s momentum and energy is at risk if the male is having “technical issues.” Not to mention that the girl might take it personally, or feel frustrated by the sudden disconnect and never quite recover her passion. In the adult industry we deal with human beings at their most vulnerable, their most exposed, and this can make for a variety of outcomes. Human emotions and reactions are complicated and run the gamut, and as a director, I have to be prepared to confront any and all of them.

There has also been the issue of male performers who “come on” to me, and decide that if they’re sleeping with me, I’ll probably give them more or better roles. I’m hip to this, so I made it clear from the beginning that if you want to work for me, the worst thing you can do is ask me out. First of all, I don’t dig guys with ulterior motives – who does? Secondly, what if the “off camera fling” doesn’t work out? How likely am I to want to book that guy again anytime soon? I don’t discount the possibility of falling in love with a co-worker, and I do socialize with the people I work with. But as a woman dealing with men in a sexually charged environment, motives have become harder to discern. My guard is up a lot higher when I work with men.

So here we are a year into Sweet Sinner, and my hunch seems to have paid off. Far from perplexing fans with our unorthodox approach to filming straight sex, we have won them over. We also won a few awards: X Biz Best New Studio 2010, AEBN’s Feature of the Year (“My Daughter’s Boyfriend”) and Sexiest Straight Movie at the 2010 Feminist Porn Awards (for “The Deviant”). Fans have responded enthusiastically to the portrayal of straight sex with passion, real positions, and of course, lots of kissing and orgasms.

A few new studios are starting to pop up using our approach and ideology to make “passionate” lines of their own. “Did you see that so and so is coming out with a copycat line?” I was asked recently, and though my expected response was one of resentment, I felt just the opposite. My work in porn has always been and will always be a quest to legitimize the art form and to create films that are beautiful, real and erotic. If our films are starting to set the tone for those to come, then I’m truly excited and encouraged. After all, it was only a year ago that nobody thought this would sell!

So what are the biggest differences between men and women in porn? Not as many as you might imagine, or that I imagined when I first embarked on Sweet Sinner. Both men and women need to be in a loving, nurturing environment where they’re able to feel desired and aroused. Both respond poorly to an insensitive director or crew, or an indifferent costar. And both men and women enjoy their job most when they are allowed to simply make love, in the many ways we can make love: fast and slow, sensual and raw, intense and playful. I seek to show all the many facets of sexual expression with Sweet Sinner, and I can now tell you with complete certainty that passion and seduction know no gender.

I met Ginger for the first time at Playboy Radio more than a year ago, when I was a guest on “Nightcalls.” She let me suck on her nipples and give her a spanking On Air — tasks I considered myself unworthy of performing, but which I hoped to carry out with some degree of competence. I found Ginger to be wild and adorable in equal doses, and I wanted to find some way to work with her again. In fact, when an interviewer at that year’s AVN show asked what my biggest wish was, I responded, “to cast Ginger Lynn.”

So when my good friend Powder called me a few months back and asked if I would be a guest on Ginger’s RudeTV show “Dirty Divas” I immediately accepted. I dolled myself up in a taffeta mini dress and stripper heels, piled on the sparkly eye shadow, and headed for Porn Valley.

The show was a blast. Ginger kept telling me all night how beautiful I was and I was dizzy with the attention. Then, toward the end, she went down on me, and continued to eat my pussy even after the cameras stopped rolling. I told her I wanted to devote an entire video to her, and soon. She said she’d only agree if I would be one of her costars.
(Oh, twist my arm, why don’t you?)

So the day of our scene arrived. Ginger had instructed me the day before to “buy some cucumbers and put them in the freezer before I get there.” She’d asked if I had any “rules” for the scene (i.e., no anal, no hair pulling, no finger fucking, etc.) and when I said “No, do anything you want to me,” her eyes lit up. So, cucumbers it was.

The scene was unlike anything I’d done before. Ginger grinded her pussy against my entire body as I Iay face down on my tummy, then she made me eat her pussy while she kneeled in front of me. Then, she asked for the cucumbers. They’d been in the freezer all day and were solid as ice; long, hard and a deceptively mellow, translucent shade of green. (I resisted the urge to ask if this would make me a “vaginaterian.”)

Ginger took the cucumber and teased my pussy with it, which burned terribly and made me go numb but at the same time turned me on in ways I didn’t understand. I stuck a finger in my mouth and sucked on it to distract myself from the pain. I thought of my most sadistic lover, and I wanted nothing more than his cock in my ass to offset the pain in my pussy. So I requested a butt plug and Ginger stuck it in. So I had a cucumber in my pussy and a butt plug in my ass, and the pain and pleasure was almost more than I could stand.

Time literally stood still. In fact, I thought we’d only been filming for 10 minutes or so, but my cameraman suddenly said “We’re past 50 minutes now, just to let you know. We’ll have to put in a new tape.”
But I didn’t want it to end.

Scenes like that, which truly challenge me and introduce me to new and intense sensations, are the best part of being a performer. In those moments where I’m alone with my fantasies while the camera catches my every expression are to me the essence of true art and authentic erotica. Ginger is a true erotic performer, and she knows how to get her costars to that intense, highly personal place. It was a gift and a privilege to be her costar, and it’s something I’ll always look back on with a mixture of awe and pride. Every day I’m more convinced that the people I work with are among the most special and magical the world has to offer, and I’m so grateful to have even a small place among them.

Most notably, it was the year Sweetheart Video was born. Our first release was in April 2008, and we quickly rose to the top of the food chain (our only real competition being, ironically, my former studio.) We’re up for several AVN awards this year, including Best New Line (i.e., Best New Studio), Best All Girl Release and Best All Girl Scene. We hit the ground running, and almost immediately began to forge new territory and introduce new concepts. My amazing partner/boss Jon Blitt has supported me in each and every one of my ideas (even when his first reaction is “Wha…? Are you kidding me?”). There has been not one moment where I’ve felt less than intense gratitude for Jon and what we’ve built together in this short period of time. His belief in my talent has changed my career and my life in ways I can’t even begin to explain.

On a personal note, I grew tremendously due to all of the changes I had to sort through when this year began. I got to know myself through my own eyes, after having been in a bad relationship for a long time; one where I could only see myself through the critical, unkind gaze of another. This year, my relationships were the antidote to all that. I experienced dizzying, intoxicating love affairs with some of the most beautiful, electrifying people in the industry – if not the entire world. Life opened up to me, and I learned what love, friendship, and compassion are truly about. Anais Nin famously said there are only two types of freedoms in this world: the freedom of the rich and powerful, and the freedom of monks and artists to whom possessions do not matter. I’ve been lucky enough, this past year, to experience a life of freedom in all the ways that count.

And with that success and freedom came the need to be aware of those less fortunate. I have become much more involved with charity work — more than ever before in my life. I won’t name the organizations because I don’t want to “out” myself (I keep my career under wraps when doing “hands on” work), but it gives me a sense of meaning and joy that’s hard to describe. I’ve learned that there can be no true happiness and peace in life when one is only focused on self. You have to give up everything your ego tells you to value, if you want to be truly rich.

I also discovered, through my newfound discipline and outlook on life, that I wanted to take better care of my body. I began doing body cleanses and going on healthy fasts. I stopped eating meat and processed foods, and now stick to raw foods and drink mainly water and tea. My body has become stronger, more beautiful and healthier every day, and I’ve never felt more clear-headed, confident and emotionally balanced.

I’m writing this because of the pervasive view, the “conventional wisdom,” that porn — a career in porn, an interest in porn, involvement in porn, is unhealthy and leads to a life of despair. I’m healthier and happier in every possible way than I have ever been in my life. There is no one who could ever convince me, with any type of argument whatsoever, that this industry did not play a huge role in my being able to blossom and excel and feel loved, accepted and motivated. And to give that same love back to others, both professionally and personally.

I’m grateful for all 2008 brought to me, and I’m deeply grateful to the Adult Industry and its beautiful performers and creators. Everything I ever needed to learn, I’ve learned right here.

My next blog will be to unveil a big surprise for 2009. It’s huge, and it’s fantastic, and I can’t wait until after AVN to tell you all about it. So stay tuned… and have a wonderful New Year!

Love, Nica

In other words, I had no idea what I was talking about, or how to even begin thinking about it.

Since becoming an adult actress, I’ve had several relationships of varying length with “civilians.” Unfortunately, almost all the civilian men I’ve dated became so immediately and intensely besotted with me (or was it with my career?) that I couldn’t begin to seriously consider them. Likewise, the civilian women I’ve been involved with have been – you guessed it – disproportionately threatened by the female porn stars I have sex with “at work.”

This problem crystallized for me one day, when my fellow porn star Jewels commented on my then boyfriend. He sat at my feet as if I held the very secrets of the universe, and she was a little concerned for his mental well being.

“Nica, what the fuck did you do to this guy?” she asked. “Did you give him the ‘porn star tour’?”

The Porn Star Tour. It’s shortcut for asking “Did you fuck his brains out the way only a porn star can?” And therein lies the problem. Civilians don’t often experience sex the way we do it. We ARE over the top. We love filthy talk, we do anything and everything and love every second of it, even the stuff we hate — on some level we love it, because it’s sex and it’s sensation, and we’re Sensation Junkies. We don’t care if you call us slutty or think we’re dirty or if you can’t or won’t take us home to mom. All the better, really. We love being bad, and we don’t want what you’re so afraid to lose. For some civilians, experiencing that sexual freedom and maverick ideology is like being injected with a potent drug. An expensive, rare drug with no adverse side effects. It’s no wonder they feel a bit loopy afterward.

Conversely, when porn stars are with each other we’re both in on the joke, and neither of us can intoxicate the other with a little dirty talk or anal sex. Rather than rely on the empty powers of artifice, pretense and show, we have to resort to something far more radical to win a fellow porn star’s heart.

We have to be real.

Porn stars are almost like Native American Medicine Men when it comes to sex - we’ve seen it all and done it all. We know the little man hiding behind the curtain, and the Great and Powerful Oz civilians see when they watch us arch our backs and say how much we want (that cock/that pussy) in (our mouths/ass/other orifice) is not what brings the ruby slippers and lets us go home. We show and give each other things that we never give civilians — because we don’t have to. We have civilians at “hello.”

So I understand why porn people stick together. But even then, some habits are tough to break. One famous porn star told me she has trouble having sex at all unless she hears someone yell “Action!” But at least we can sympathize with each other’s damaged souls and sexual eccentricities. In a world where we’re still so marginalized and romanticized, it’s nice to be with someone you don’t have to explain certain things to.

The caveat, though, is we lose viewing our own magic through an innocent’s eyes. There is something admittedly beautiful in watching the wonder, the excitement, the meaning that civilians find in what for us has become typical fare. I guess that’s why most of us still value our relationships with civilians and keep trying to have them, even if we ultimately return to the safe haven that is each other.

But there are other cautions, too. An obsession with youth, beauty, and bodily perfection, perhaps understandably, permeates the adult industry. Even with the MILF craze there is a distinct understanding (often spoken and easily observed) that it’s the 18-25 sect who are considered “in their prime” as sexual performers; as “hot girls.” Male performers may have a bit longer shelf life, but surprisingly, not much longer. Once a guy gets into his 30s he’s no longer considered the hot young stud, especially if he’s been working for a while. He’ll enjoy “tweener” status for just a brief time before the sudden acceleration into “Daddy, Stop Fucking My Friends!” territory.

Due to this paradigm, many adult performers demean themselves by trying to hold onto their “youth” long after they should — or can. Adult industry conventions are teeming with “women of a certain age” dressed in belly shirts, mini skirts, and stripper heels. Women who look 17 years old from behind and some indeterminate age when they turn around. They don’t look young, they don’t look old. They sometimes don’t quite look human. Over-injected lips glossed to a high sheen, flaxen blonde hair extensions falling to their waists in Disney mermaid-like waves, skin that has so much filler and botox holding it still that you can’t tell if they’re smiling or sneering, happy or terrified. (Maybe they’re not sure, either.) And once the men get upwards of 40, I’ve seen some of the same embarrassing behavior. I’m sorry, but too much jewelry, dyed, thinning hair and True Religion jeans on a guy crowding 50 doesn’t tend to look fantastic. The message this behavior sends, to the world and to each other is: you don’t have long here, and there’s no way out. So just try to keep blending in — forever.

I don’t like this aspect of the adult industry because I think it makes us look, and feel, like pathetic fools. Almost mentally ill, really. Delusional. Like “Baby Jane” (or Michael Jackson), we simply refuse to accept that we are aging, and that it is indeed possible to do so gracefully, even in an industry that is fueled by primal, sexual desire. That it’s possible to retain sex appeal, beauty and great bodies and to carry them with elegance and sophistication. But changing our image is going to take some work. And better outfits.

I was at an adult industry party recently, and a writer for an trade magazine said to me, “The adult industry is like the Land of the Misfits.” I realized it does indeed seem that way. That we as a people are rather flamboyantly “fringe” at times. I think that’s fine to a point, but it troubles me that this image of us is what shadows all other possible perceptions. It’s the circus acts that are most easily remembered, but the adult industry is so much more than a circus. I realize we’re very much like burlesque performers used to be — figures of both titillation and fun. You can jerk off to us or make fun of us, in equal doses, and we’ll laugh (and come) along with you. But are we truly in on the joke?

It’s a fact of life that as you age, your sex appeal changes. It doesn’t disappear; it changes. For men, an air of maturity and experience can be a far more potent combination than bulging biceps and a perpetually hard cock. For women, it’s a fact that young men are flocking to “MILFs” and “Cougars” in increasing numbers, due to the older woman’s sexual confidence, financial security, and, I think, humility and depth.

So why cover these hard-earned traits with nasty hair extensions, too much botox and teeny bopper clothes? Why become a caricature of who you were, instead of inhabiting who you are? Adult industry performers are an uncommonly beautiful group of people, and we don’t need to panic with the passage of years. We should set the standard for beauty and vibrant sexuality at every phase of life — and every age. At the end of the day, that’s what our industry should really be about.

I’ve come to suspect that these rules are not the result of what audiences have truly asked for — rather, they’re what satiates the lowest common denominator. Or to be fair, perhaps it’s just that the average consumer has resigned his or herself to the fact that when it comes to porn they shouldn’t expect much by way of quality: not technically, not performance-wise, and certainly not from the dialogue.

The funny thing is, it takes just a little imagination and effort to make audiences and critics alike sit up and take notice. Even if they don’t necessarily dig what you’re doing, they applaud your effort to do something a bit more elaborate, slightly more sophisticated. They appreciate the fact that you’re taking it seriously.

Nobody wants to admit that they take porn seriously, or that there’s any point in doing so. Even though almost everyone purchases some form of erotic entertainment, nobody wants to admit that it’s an important part of their lives. It’s almost as if their shame in enjoying erotic materials prohibits them from demanding quality and realism. And I don’t mean “realism” in the sense that the camera work looks inspired by The Blair Witch Project and you can see mic stands hovering in the corner — but quality in performances, writing and overall production.

In the past few months I’ve gone out on a limb and taken a chance that audiences are ready for something different. We’ve shot a classic-style noir film in black and white (only the sex scenes are in color) with an elaborate script and innovative camera work. It’s not “MTV” flashy, it’s not subversive — it’s just a very well written, expertly performed film that showcases some of the best lesbian film talent working today (Samantha Ryan, Annabelle Lee, Mz. Berlin and Satine Phoenix). The dialogue is true to classic noir vernacular, and our performers took the time to fully learn their lines, even though this was not a big budget script. It was pretty much a labor of love — and it shows.

Now, tomorrow I will begin a film called “My Little Minx,” which is (gasp!) a lesbian SILENT FILM starring Aubrey Addams, Nina Hartley, Michelle Lay, Marlie Moore and Sinn Sage. Are audiences ready for this mixture of very old and decidedly new? A true artist wouldn’t hesitate to find out, and in my opinion anyone who strives to make quality porn has to have the courage to try things many people will look at you cockeyed for.

“That will never sell,” they’ll say. “Nobody cares about the writing — they just fast-forward to the sex.”

So be it. Let them fast forward if they choose. But after jerking off four or five times, they might decide they’re curious about the parts they’ve fast-forwarded through. They might decide to watch. And find that far from being what they’ve come to expect, they’re watching something different, unexpected, even… entertaining.

The famous mathematician Erwin Schroedinger said that when we know what to expect we go on “auto-pilot” and stop paying attention. We stop engaging and being aware and in the moment; we don’t expect to be surprised. It’s only when the road suddenly diverts and we’re forced to take a detour that we sit up and take notice. Suddenly we engage, we pay attention, and we feel… ALIVE.

It saddens me that porn has become so predictable and that the expectations of the average consumer are so low, and that so many people are committed to keeping it that way. Every director working in erotic films today should be striving to change that. There is a silent audience out there who craves more, but is too embarrassed to ask for it.
So we shouldn’t wait for them to ask; we should just deliver.

Ignore conventional wisdom, and believe that your audience cares. Believe that they’re smart, that they want to see a film that involved some thought, some effort, something that came from the heart. If we can all do that even part of the time, I’m sure we’ll see this industry elevated to the level it deserves to occupy: a sophisticated, relevant form of adult entertainment, filled with beautiful, fascinating, talented stars.

Editor’s note: Watch Nica Noelle’s Sweetheart Video movies for exactly this.

When I ended the relationship he made a couple of snide remarks about my having a “wild life” and told me he’d prefer that I not mention to others the involvement he’d so enthusiastically (and secretly) sought for himself in my career. Everything from his constant desire to “invest” in my studio, to his passion for writing scripts and suggesting casting choices for my films, to his attendance at almost every industry event to which I was invited. I didn’t understand at the time what the mixed messages were about – did he think everyone in porn (including me) was crazy and marginal, or did he want to be one of us? Was he just trying to take one last hit at my achillies heel before we parted ways — a defiant swipe in the spirit of “You can’t fire me, because I quit!”?

I now realize that he needed to discredit my profession because it was too painful to admit just how much he’d wanted to be a part of it. He had desperately wanted involvement in a community he felt offered more excitement, creative satisfaction and fun than his own life choices did. The catch was, he also wanted the option to don an expensive suit and have dinner with “respectable” folks; to be taken seriously in ways he felt I never would be. And perhaps most of all, to retain his ability to impress people lower on the social totem pole than he — e.g., people like me and my friends — with his “mainstream credentials.” I can’t say I don’t understand that desire, but it I also can’t say I respect it.

But the truth is we’re an easy mark for that sort of thing, and it’s up to us to do something about it. For instance, I’ve noticed in talking to industry folk how self-conscious they are about seeming “legitimate” and how much they yearn to be taken seriously but assume they won’t be. If an adult performer has an academic degree, often he or she will mention it repeatedly in passing, an attempt to insert the subliminal message “See, I’m not stupid.” Adult industry legends will make self-deprecating remarks such as, “So I’m in the Hall of Fame — big deal. It’s just PORN.” They don’t want to admit that it means something, even if they’ve devoted their lives to it, just in case you, the listener, think it’s a joke. It’s the kind of self-hatred and low self-esteem one receives as a complimentary gift upon entry to any stigmatized group.

Having been on both sides of the fence, I feel it’s important to let industry people know that they never need to feel self-conscious or self-deprecating about anything. The men of corporate America worship us, they watch us and follow our careers, they dream of us, they know our names and the names of our films. They are star-struck when they meet us. Likewise, their female counterparts find us exotic and excitingly threatening. They want to talk to us, ask us questions, hopefully to learn something from us that they can use to spice up their own relationships (and these days, often to sleep with us themselves.)

Why do they feel that way? Because they live lives of fear and repression while we are naked and free (both figuratively and literally.) Our lives are filled with experience and excitement. If you really think about it, civilians have to discredit us on some level. After all, if we’re not crazy, if we’re not marginal, if we’re not ridiculous, yet we’re having so much fun and great sex while making such good money… that’s not really fair, is it? Aren’t you supposed to sit in your uncomfortable suit in board meetings and watch the hours painfully pass, each indistinguishable from the next, if you want to make a six figure salary? What do you mean, “I could be having more fun and better sex”? What’s the catch?

And it’s not really fair. But it’s nonetheless true for many of us. A career in the adult industry is not a downward spiral. It’s not a journey into darkness. It’s not even particularly radical. Nor does it suck the intelligence out of you — I knew many attorneys during my “corporate” days that seemed borderline intellectual functioning at best. But what did they have? Like in the Wizard of Oz, they posessed a “title,” an acknowledgement of achievement that allowed them to be taken seriously by the world. That kind of social acknowledgement and respect is often key to a feeling of pride and self respect. And unfortunately, civilians are often very happy that we in the adult industry are denied such acknowledgement, just as they are denied our special privileges (and believe me, they’re mad about it.)

But if that’s the biggest down side of this industry, I’ll happily take it. As I’ve said before, I’ve personally found life in the sex industry to be among the most wonderful of all choices. And I hope one day civilians will realize that it’s okay to be enamored of us, and wishing you could do it too is nothing to be ashamed of. Remember, the person in that cramped little cubicle next to you is probably keeping the very same secret as you are. And he or she can’t wait for 5:00, either.

And I’ve been writing about it quite a bit lately, because I’m still somewhat in shock.

Let me begin by saying that I’ve never completely understood the whole “BDSM” thing. Or I thought I didn’t. I have met and befriended and even “played” with a few well-known masters and S/M couples, and I found the play interesting but not intoxicating. I wondered, then, why I kept “trying it again.” Maybe I’m just a sexual adventuress, I hypothesized. Maybe I’m drawn to extreme experiences and sensations as a sort of intellectual tradition.

The curious thing was that often people well-versed in BDSM would approach me, responding to some “vibe” they felt from me which caused them to believe I was “one of them.” (This even happened with one of the most well-regarded Masters in Los Angeles.) And after my scene with the amazing Kylie Ireland, she told me “It’s weird, but you have an affect on me that no other woman does. I’m submissive with most lovers, but with you, I don’t know if I want to kiss you passionately or beat the crap out of you.” She meant it in a loving way (Kylie and I are friends) but there it was again – I was giving off something that others were picking up on. What was it that I was emanating, and why?

And then I met a new lover, and things started to make sense.

After having sex for the first time with this person, I was in a state of intoxication unlike anything I’d experienced before. It didn’t feel like falling in love — or not in the usual romantic sense. It was more that I wanted to completely submit in ways I had only ever heard about others doing (and had always assumed they were “exaggerating” or being histrionic.) But the real difference with this person was that the dominance was expertly executed without any “props.” No floggers, canes, handcuffs, or blindfolds. Nothing that had previously caused me to think of BDSM as overwhelmed by accouterments and theater. With this lover it was all theater of the mind, and it knocked me on my ass.

“You want to be my slave?” he said, repeating my request with his hand around my throat. “Then you will have to do everything I say. And sometimes it will hurt, and sometimes it will be humiliating.” My whole body tingled with excitement and anticipation. Did I “want” to be his slave? ‘Want’ was too weak a word for what I felt. The desire I felt was without precedent.

And then I had a flashback. Years ago I had been in a strange relationship with a psychologically dominant person who initially exuded a state of utter self-control. He had the manner of someone who was slightly “above it all” and not prone to the emotional needs that afflict most mere mortals. He constantly spoke of being “unable to love,” and described his previous girlfriends as if they were odd species of insect he had studied for a time and ultimately lost interest in (due to their shortcomings and failings, not his.) He seemed untouched by life and by the relationships he’d had — as if for him no woman had ever crossed the rubicon into the land of the Lasting Impression. It was this detached quality that had drawn me in for reasons unknown to me, and I had pursued him with the belief that sex between us would be dark and perverse. Just before we began our affair he said to me, “You’re about to enter the darkest period of your life: your relationship with me.” Dazzled, I had played that statement in my mind over and over again, drunk with anticipation. I realized that was the last time I had felt that “all over body” shiver; that delicious excitement for what was to come.

But then my previous lover hadn’t been ‘dark’ after all – or at least not in the way I’d hoped. What I’d picked up on was not sexual dominance and expertise, but mental illness, emotional dysfunction and contempt for women. Plagued with anxiety and neurosis, his interest in sex was more theoretical than actual. He didn’t show any discernable passion, he wasn’t interested in doing anything kinky beyond the occasional threesome (and then, more so he could brag about it to his friends than for private enjoyment.) So throughout the relationship I felt in a state of denied gratification, as if I was always being teased and excited and then left hanging. I would insist on having sex all night long and still at the end feel unsatisfied. What was it that I wanted? Something big was missing, and I was always trying in vain to get it: groping in the dark, frustrated by things I couldn’t quite name. He was doing something to trigger a deeply sexual response in me, but there seemed to be no satisfying way for me to express it.

And now, without warning, I had stumbled upon the answer. Suddenly a lot of things began to make sense. Learning my need for a psychologically/sexually dominant male lover shed new light on my bisexuality and why I am attracted to women far more often than I am to men. (I don’t need a BDSM dynamic with women, and thus am able to be attracted to them more easily.) But I’ve also learned that true dominance is not synonymous with contempt or hostility — or withholding of love and emotion. In fact, as Ernest Green explained to me once, angry or hostile people make the worst masters and mistresses. Their state of mind is all wrong. Their “power” comes from weakness and inferiority disguised as strength, and ultimately it falls flat.

I also recalled something else Ernest Green said once about the BDSM state of mind: “It’s like being gay.” I’d silently scoffed at that notion, but now it was making sense. I had found, finally, a way to feel completely satisfied. It’s not the only kind of sex I’m capable of enjoying, but I realize now that I need a lover who has the capacity to expertly dominate as part of his sexual repertoire to feel fully engaged.

There is nothing more exciting than learning something new and important about the self that sheds light on past internal mysteries. After all, it’s only by knowing ourselves that we can be fair and honest with others. And to that end, I have made some definite progress.

I’m also making progress in other, less lofty ways, thanks to a little direction. Here’s a little hint: Butt plugs are awesome. And I think Sweetheart Video may need to do a girl/girl anal strap on DVD soon, don’t you? I’m hopeful that the visiting moon will stay a while. As long as we’re alive, and thinking, growing and learning, there are always new mysteries to uncover.

Sweetheart Video’s first releases Lesbian Confessions is now available AT HOTMOVIES and at local retail stores, as well as at www.sweetheartvideo.com. Lezlove Video has given the debut film a 5-star rating and it has earned 4 “A’s” from AVN.com

I always said I would “never” do a boy/girl scene, and I meant it. And now here I am about to do one. Granted it’s going to be edited as soft-core so it won’t be an “explicit” scene. And it’s for a lesbian feature film, so I haven’t defected to the other side or anything. But it will still be a brand new experience for me.

Originally I didn’t expect the scene to have much importance. It was meant to show the relationship between a “straight girl” character and her cavalier, thoughtless boyfriend. I’d planned to cast a functional male performer in the boyfriend role, as soon as I could figure out who the best candidate was. But I certainly didn’t think I’d be into the scene on a sexual level — I just wanted to get it over with.

I’ll admit that it’s not often I feel an overwhelming attraction to a man. I experience moderate attractions from time to time, and every now and then get a respectable (if fleeting) “crush.” But rarely does it motivate me to spring into action. I don’t pursue men or dream of romantic trysts with them. I’m much more likely to develop such fantasies and feelings toward a girl.

But every once in a while my mind and body has an unexpected reaction to someone of the opposite sex. This exception happened most recently in Las Vegas during the 2008 AVN convention. I was hanging out at Circle Bar with Michelle Lay one night when somehow we got on the topic of male porn stars.

“I don’t know who any of them are,” I admitted. “I never watch boy/girl porn. I don’t think I’d want to be with any male porn stars. Oh, except maybe that one guy…”

“Who?” Michelle asked excitedly.

“I don’t know his name but he’s really beautiful – I think he’s French?”

“Manuel Ferrara!” she said, guessing the one man who fit that description.

“Is that his name? Yeah, he doesn’t seem like a typical porn guy, but I’ve never met him…”

And then suddenly, as if on cue, Manuel Ferrara was standing in front of us. It was as if he’d simply dropped out of the sky.

“Manuel — we were just talking about you!” Michelle said. “Nica was just saying that you’re the only guy whose porn she’d want to watch!”

Manuel turned to look at me and I was instantly frozen. Felled by a tragic case of “deer in the headlights” syndrome. Couldn’t move; couldn’t speak. Finally I uttered “hi” – or I think I did. Manuel was very gracious about my sudden catatonia, though he looked a bit puzzled. He was charming and friendly and then he moved on.

“Nica, I hate to say this, but you just acted kind of retarded in front of him,” Michelle whispered to me.

“I don’t know what happened,” I said. “I couldn’t even open my mouth.”

“Oh my god — YOU like a BOY!” Michelle teased.

Over the next few days it seemed the Gods were having a marvelous time at my expense. Everywhere I went I would run into Manuel Ferrara. I’d pass by him in the convention hall, at the bar, in the lobby, at the awards show. And any time our paths crossed Manuel would be charming, sweet and elegant. Me? I acted like a complete moron.

“Please do not be afraid of me,” Manuel said to me in his terrifyingly sexy French accent. He didn’t want me to be uncomfortable, and he couldn’t understand why I was having so much trouble.

“I’m sorry,” I told him. And I was sorry — for myself. I meant to act sophisticated and confident; not like a fifteen year old girl meeting her favorite rock star. But despite my odd behavior we managed to become friends by the end of the week. Our friendship was largely based on the fact that I couldn’t speak to him in full sentences, but to him that was part of my charm.

“I’d like to say more to you, but I just can’t seem to talk,” I explained.

“But that is what is so cute!” he said.

Manuel is nice to girls. I can’t stress enough how powerful that is, and how easy it is to pick up on. There are plenty of guys (particularly in Los Angeles) who strut around like they’re God’s gift to women, and exude a vaguely hostile, contemptuous vibe toward the gentler sex. Manuel is not one of those men. His love of women and generosity of spirit makes him even more beautiful than do his high cheekbones, full lips and gorgeous body. And that combination of extraordiary beauty and sincere humility is intoxicating.

When I returned to Los Angeles I turned my attention to Sweetheart’s next feature film, “Angel.” I needed to cast my character’s boyfriend — a role that would be limited to some heated dialogue and a quick soft-core scene. I called Katherine Annelle to ask her advice about male performers.

“What about Manuel Ferrara?” she suggested innocently.

The Gods were up to no good again. But the idea was certainly exciting, and I trust Kathy’s judgment. I decided to ask Manuel if he’d be interested. (That is, if I could get the words out.)

Manuel graciously agreed to play the role. Then he added, “You are aware that most people do not hire me for my acting, right?”

Gulp. Yes, I’m aware. Am I ever.

I told him that I’d never done a boy/girl scene before, so we’d both be trying out new territory albeit in different ways. He said he was game.

After casting Manuel it occurred to me that although the scene will be edited as soft-core, it will now be authentic — just as my girl/girl scenes are. I won’t be faking the attraction or the chemistry, and I know I can trust him to lead the way to a great scene — rather than one I just want to “get over with.”

So it seems the Gods weren’t having fun at my expense in Las Vegas, after all. They were just pointing me – speechless though I might have been – in exactly the right direction.

Look for Nica Noelle’s first ever boy/girl scene in the upcoming Sweetheart Video feature film, “Angel.” Check www.sweetheartvideo.com for more details and upcoming release dates.

Love,
Nica

Director, Writer & Performer
NicaNoelle@aol.com
SweetheartVideo.com

Watch Nica now!
(Watch her as Sydni Ellis!)

When I last updated my HotmoviesForHer blog, I was with Girlfriends Films and my stage name was Sydni Ellis. Fast forward six months later and my new company is called Sweetheart Video and my name is now “Nica Noelle.”

What the hell happened? Well, it’s a bit of a story. Or rather, it’s a terribly long, dramatic, convoluted story about which some want to hear all the sordid details while others couldn’t care less. I’m going to assume, dear reader, that you fall somewhere in the middle of those two extremes.

First of all, I want to say that my time at Girlfriends Films was invaluable to me. Girlfriends Films showed me that you can be successful in porn by following your own heart and mind rather than sheepishly going along with the crowd. The founder of Girlfriends Films is a true innovator and he was generous enough to teach me things that otherwise would have taken me years to learn. I will always be grateful to him for giving me my start and the confidence to make films I believe in – even if they go against the conventional wisdom of what will sell.

But it was time for me to move on and find my own way. Jon Blitt of Mile High Media gave me that opportunity. I call him my “professional soulmate” because we’re always on the same page and it’s been that way since our very first meeting. Together we conceptualized and created Sweetheart Video, a girl/girl erotic studio that we hope will surpass all others in terms of quality, diversity and innovation.

Our first titles are getting ready to hit the shelves as I write. Set for release are Nina Loves Girls!, a documentary starring the legendary Nina Hartley where she explores her strong lesbian side (and explains in depth her philosophies about porn, love, monogamy and womanhood.); Lesbian Daydreams, a vignette series that shows what can happen when a woman’s erotic imagination runs wild; Rivals, a sexy catfight series that I’ve had a blast filming (I shot a scene with Kylie Ireland where she spat in my mouth! It was the hottest thing I’d ever experienced!), and many others. I’m finally doing the interracial series I’ve always wanted to do (Lesbian Beauties – Interracial), as well as a “kissing” video for hardcore kissing fans. And of course I’m continuing with my lesbian soap operas, beginning with Lesbian Chronicles – Wasted Years. In that series, I play a massage therapist and single mom who is searching for herself and for what really turns her on. It stars Elexis Monroe, Micah Moore, Keisha, Aubrey Adams, Kylie Ireland and many others. *Check Sweetheartvideo.com for news, galleries, and all the latest information about our upcoming releases.

Now, for the mysterious name change from Sydni to Nica. I know that’s probably the weirdest thing of all, and I realize I have to address it.

I changed my name because signing with Sweetheart was a new beginning for me. And I knew in my heart that this was going to be home, that it was going to be permanent (or as close as anything gets to permanent in this random, unstable world.) Nica is my real name, while Sydni was a name I thought of in a pinch (at my first shoot with Girlfriends Films when they asked how I wanted to be billed. “Ellis” was my then-lover’s middle name, and I took it as a little “inside joke” between us.)

In short, I chose the name Sydni Ellis before I realized I’d have a lifelong career doing erotic films and that I had actually stumbled upon my destiny. But now that I’m clearly on that path (I’m even writing a memoir), I can’t quite stomach being known forever by a name that means nothing to me.

It’s been a wild year, with lots of changes and triumphs and plenty of drama. I’m grateful to the lezlovevideo.com forum, an online community of lesbian erotica enthusiasts, for being true friends and supporting all of my decisions as well as being loyal enough to wait all these months for my new films.

So now that I’ve given you the backstory and you can rest assured that I’m not schizophrenic (yet!), I hope to get back to the business of making films and writing about my experiences here at HotmoviesForHer.com. I’ve never been so excited about the future – and the present – and I’ve never been so happy professionally. The Germans coined the term funkshunslust, and it means to experience pure joy by simply doing what you were born to do. It might sound funny, but I finally feel I’ve got that. Funkshunslust. (Hmm… sounds like a good title for a film, don’t you think?)

Please check out our website at SweetheartVideo.com and write to me at NicaNoelle@aol.com

Love,
Nica

Director, Writer & Performer
NicaNoelle@aol.com
SweetheartVideo.com

Watch Nica now!
(Watch her as Sydni Ellis!)