All posts by emja

Go Watch: Cosplay Queens and Tied Up Teens

Cosplay Queens and Tied Up Teens

POW! BAM! FUCK!

Easily the porn queen of the Cosplay world (actually, you can remove the porn thing altogether because she dominates the scene even outside of the sex industry), Tanya Tate unleashed her own imaginative spin on Comic Con with this film. With tons of rope, cute girls, tight action outfits, and a speculum, this is a movie for anyone that enjoys the super hero lifestyle or lady sex. Sexy doll babes Nicki Hunter, Zoey Holloway, and Cassie Laine also star along side the buxom Brit, and their sex is most definitely on fire.

About Cosplay Queens & Tied Up Teens

Get your geek on! Tanya Tate’s Cosplay Queens & Tied Up Teens is a sexy lesbian cosplay adventure featuring superhero and villain gals playing out multiple incredibly hot and heavy fantasies! Capes, ropes, seduction, domination, and secret power – the naughty games are on! Inspired by Comic Con!

Take a look with four Dirty Thirtys that take you right up and into the action:

 

Watch the movie it its entirety here, and just let me know if you want a few free minutes to test it out 😉

Go Watch: The Lone Ranger XXX Porn Parody

Of note: I never watched any of The Lone Ranger installments and have never been too interested, until I heard a porn parody was being released. So if you’re looking for connections to the real thing, look elsewhere. This is a review that is blind to the original story, and I was excited purely because of Adrianna Luna (who I adored in Tuff Love) and those period piece costumes. Watch the parody here.

As far as plots go, the opening is actually pretty dynamic and dramatic, and sets you up for the story pleasantly. You have the prototypical “I guess we have to kill each other” stand-off, flavored with western stares, guns a-blazin, and western accents a-slingin. And though we have the Lone Ranger John Reed (Ryan Driller) shot right off his feet, here comes a gorgeous Native, played by Adriana Luna, ready to save his life.

Oh now I see where we’re going.

 

It’s Tonto! But she’s a beautiful girl (I’m to understand the original Tonto was male, so says Johnny Depp), and she’s been caring over the Ranger since he’s been shot, for many moons. The acting is surprisingly strong, and explains the back story well, and the sound is theater-quality. What is this, George Lucas’ THX? Love it.

The sex (that’s what we’re here for, right?), starts in the third scene, where the bad man (Anthony Rosano as Butch Cavendish) comes into the bar approaching the barmaids (in EXCELLENT costumes, I might add, I was not let down) demanding that he is out to pretty much own the town. Obviously, that starts with taking some drinks, and taking the girls. A loan barmaid named Jane (Natalie Moore), is extremely excited to give some pleasure to the bad gang, and we have our first bang-bang that doesn’t involve a pistol. Seth Gamble and Xander Corvus get right to work whipping out their “shooters” and Jane does double duty dildo slurping. Seth doesn’t get hard right away, which kind of makes an awkward beginning, but they don’t skip a beat and start talking dirty. It must be said that I really like Natalie Moore’s boobs. They’re perfectly natural. Just a note. The majority of the fucking is done by Xander, so all those that are fans of the Xander peen, you get plenty of action here, while Seth mainly stays in her mouth. Unfortunately, you never really see…either of the gents’ faces, it’s all Natalie in the camera here. My favorite part of this scene has to be the rapid fire action of Xander getting himself to cum all over her mouth. He needs a speed gun on there, he may have broke 80 mph.

There’s a lot of tension in the next few scenes where Tonto insists she travel with the Lone Ranger to help find justice from the murder of his brother and other rangers. He assures her that she will not journey with him; he’s the LONE Ranger, remember. It’s a great plot background while we get into the next sex scene.

There’s little introduction here with this next one, I’m not even sure what the back story is, but it doesn’t matter if you’re in it to get off. Cassidey and the walking boner, Ryan McLane, are found in a tent, and they’re just trying to do it. There’s a slew of them yelling at their clothes to come off, but she puts on his hat and jumps on top. There’s plenty of oral action for him, but none for her (not even a nipple suck?), before a lengthy intercourse party. I wasn’t totally sure about the choice of female performer in this one. She mentions something about it being really cold and seems to push him away a lot. It also seemed like maybe she was forcing her dirty talk and moaning. And then she orders that he tell her to cum, but he has to stop for her to do so? And then says “okay now you can fuck me again”. What? But Ryan fucked with no abandon, and looked sexy as shit with his uber-toned abs. Also, if you’re a fan of squirting, you absolutely get your fill of the bucket here – that is definitely her forte.

Tensions run higher and higher as Butch Cavendish threatens the local sheriff (Evan Stone) because the Lone Ranger keeps capturing his men, and the sheriff’s wife Julia (Macy Cartel) seems to care more about what Butch has to say then her husband. And so comes the cuckold-ish scene, as Julia says she’d rather fuck Butch then stay in the marriage with her husband, while he watches from within a jail cell. I understand the appeal of watching your wife getting fucked by another man (it’s a top-rated porn category and can be pretty hot), but I was just super pleased to see some nipples being sucked here. And finally, we see a man go down on a woman. It was worth the wait. Julia gives the sheriff and Butch constant eye contact throughout the whole ordeal, obviously trying to give both men entertainment. I really expected to see the sheriff masturbating in the jail cell while he watched, but it never happened. Butch did cum all up in that snatch though which we so rarely see these days. It was definitely the hottest scene thus far.

As Tonto comes to rescue the Lone Ranger, the sheriff, and Julia from the jail cell, Butch takes off. We’re led to believe that he was finally caught, as Christie Stevens and the sheriff spend a romantic moment discussing retirement together. Then, sex. Christie, who does not look unlike Julia Ann (read: effing gorgeous), pleases the sheriff like it’s the last dick she’ll ever have in her mouth. After moments of intense and passionate rubbing and kissing, he takes her from behind. Twenty minutes of deep impact fucking on a wooden table, and there’s an explosive finale with a hard grunt from Evan Stone.

But we haven’t seen the last scene, the one we’ve been waiting for – The Lone Ranger and his Tonto. If you only have time for one scene, this is the one to go for. It’s kind of vanilla, nothing fetish and no gang-bang, but you have oral for both stars, and lingering positions of vag sex. Their connection is the most believable of the group, even if you miss out on the entirety of the movie setting up their plot. The thing I love about watching Ryan Driller and Adriana Luna, is that the majority of their movies are pretty real, for porn, and it’s hard to remember that they’re performers and you haven’t just stumbled upon some buried scene in their lives. It’s easy to forget that through Adriana’s silky sweet voice, she knows how to take a dick down her throat and balls in her lips. Maybe that’s just me, but I love watching them both equally and am glad they were paired together here, no one out-slurping or under-fucking the other.

I definitely enjoyed this movie, and am excited to have it in my queue for later. The minor “disappointments” if you will, were nothing compared to the achievements in sound, quality, inter-mingling plot joiners, and COSTUMES. I was a tad sad that you could see so many tattoos, in fact, because the costumes and set really transformed you to believe this was a period piece. They done good.


Funniest scene ^^^ I love Ryan Driller.

AnyWHERE! With ANYONE!

(Well, maybe not that last bit)

 

by Ashley Rosemont

 

No, seriously, this article from the Guardian explores the notion that women are totally able to get it on any freaking time they want.

 

The article posits two nearly identical scenarios: a guy walks into a bar (see, this is how we know this is all kind of a joke) and offers sex to anyone who wants it. No takers. Because he’s a pervert. But a woman does the same, and is inundated with “horny suitors” as the article says, not mincing words.

 

Is this a reflection of what it’s really like out there? I have to say, I think this is a really strange thing to be debating.

 

First off, we all must agree that dating sucks (especially online dating) and if any of you are “out there” you truly have my deepest heartfelt sympathy and commiseration. It’s a jungle out there, except worse, because at least in the jungle the chance a guy might bring you flowers is actually pretty good because there are so many flowers around, whereas from what I have seen, romance is dead. Which may be why we’re even talking about this idea that women can get laid any time they want while men, poor men, are standing around, lonely and aching to be touched, with their testicles all glowing a charming shade of cobalt.

 

I don’t think so. I think we’re working with some very faulty assumptions here.

 

For one thing, one prevailing assumption seems to be that men are so horny that they will do it with literally anyone, while women are really choosy and more selective (or maybe just not as horny). But if you look at some of the couples out there, you find yourself wondering, as Joe Jackson might ask, Is She Really Going Out with Him? In other words, plenty of women choose real losers to date. Guys with bad manners, nonexistent grooming, no social skills, stupid hobbies, and presumably not much bedroom etiquette, either.

 

I have always believed that it’s much more important to learn to enjoy your own company and become self-sufficient as opposed to putting endless hours of energy and anxiety into attracting a man. Women, be choosy! You deserve to be. If that guy you’re dating is addicted to checking his Twitter feed while he’s sitting across from you in a restaurant, or wonders aloud if you’ve ever considered getting a boob job, or he can’t be bothered to trim his toenails or toss back a bit of mouthwash before he enters your boudoir, DTMFA. Plenty of fish in the sea.

 

As for any woman being able to snap their fingers and force any man in hearing range to drop to their knees ready to worship her knees, shoes or black lace Spanx, well, no it doesn’t really happen that way. It seems to me, men can be very choosy and snobby when it comes to rejecting or accepting women who are on the hunt. I remember a friend from NYC telling me a few years ago, “every geeky accountant thinks he deserves no less than Kate Moss.” (This was back when Kate Moss was the It Girl; I guess now you’d say Gisele Bundchen or Megan Fox.)

 

There does seem to be some truth to this idea that men can get away with being more picky these days: blame the cult of Photoshop that makes even gorgeous women into impossibly symmetrical, blemish-free dolls. In the “real world,” the media-driven expectation of perfection is a compelling one, and the pressure is on for women to be thin, successful, and sexually adventurous if they even want to be considered for a date.

 

So: What if you’re buxom, stuck in a mid-level job and not sure precisely what anal beads are for?

 

Answer: Keep being your fabulous self. Look people in the eye, and smile. Cultivate your friendships, old and new. Eventually the right guy will come along, and if he doesn’t, so what? You will still be gorgeous and fabulous, enjoying your own company, and be surrounded by your family and friends.

 

Ashley Rosemont is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. She is a Renaissance woman of many talents, but tries to remain humble in the face of all the curveballs life throws her way. She has been a professional writer for over two decades, and specializes in writing on media, culture, health and sexuality.

We Have Family in Canada!

Way back when, when it was much warmer and 37 degrees in Toronto’s October air, HotMovies attended the Everything To Do With Sex Show and made just a great amount of friends. Well today, we received a wonderful hello from one said friend, and an entire University class joined in on the greeting as well! After meeting one lovely student, we sent her entire women’s studies class our mini vibrators and plenty of minutes to use in our theater. Hey, our friends get pampered. Here’s the gorgeous group showing off our swag and their sexy smiles.

HotMoviesForHer Family

The 2014 of Sex Toys From the Best of 2013

2013 was my year of sexual toy revolution. I put so many novelties up, around, and on my hoo-hah-and-bits that you would think I should still be just vibrating…just sitting here…vibrating. But I’m not. Because I invested my time in only the most trusted companies and most desired doohickies. So what I’m going to do here is reward the best of the bunch and then review what’s coming from them in 2014, because VALENTINE’S DAY SITUATIONS are on their way and you best be prepared. Because, orgasms. And love. And lusty “if there’s ever a day to let you go in that hole I guess it’s today” conversations.

 

Almost all (if not every single freaking one) of these toys can be purchased here. If you have trouble finding one, tweet me or follow up in the comments and I’ll get you your fix.

 

 

Pipedream Products

I dub thee best for: Beginners’ Fetish Play

Best of 2013

All of their Ceramix collection. Featuring “an eco-friendly alternative to plastic, rubber, or silicone sex toys,” the Ceramix family can come in either the massager form or can be filled with water for temperature play. These two choices allow you to stimulate your sexual sense with vibration or temperature, all while using a different material that is new to your boo (your vag or bum). Ceramix No. 4 even just snagged the XBiz award for Non-Powered Sex Toy of the year. My favorite feature is that every one of the nine models look like came straight out of Alice in Wonderland’s sexual toy box. I’m a sucker for appearances.

Pipedream Ceramix Collection

 

What’s coming in 2014 (heh)

Icicles! Pipedream recently added 28 new hand-blown glass massager collection, bringing the total number to over 60 pieces. With such an extensive assortment, what could they even possibly add? My favorite might just be Icicles No. 49, the leather flogger that doubles as a glass anal plug. I’m a super light fetish fan, but this will do the trick regardless of sensitivity to the idea. You’ll definitely see a massive amount of glass anal plugs and bulb-like wands for interesting penetration. I see that becoming a major trend for 2014, and Pipedream is onto the game as well.

Pipedream Icicles Wand

 

 

Blush Novelties

I dub thee best for: Dildo play

Best of 2013

Totally a tie-up. I fell madly in love (as did my hoo-ha) with both the Naturally Yours Wild Ride and the Real Nude Suko playthings. The Wild Ride is indeed a wild ride; it features an intense nine iches of powerful vibrations. And while I wouldn’t recommend using it when peepy people are around (it makes a bit of noise), I do recommend shower use since it’s waterproof. I love it so much I told people to buy one for the holidays, and it’s the only sex toy that every single friend I know is aware of its existence in my collection. The Suko, on the other hand, is my best kept secret. I think it’s the closest thing I have to a real, actual penis, so I keep it hidden from my boyfriend. It’s on the bigger side (eight inches), and suction-cups itself to the wall so I can go at my own speed. Lube that sucker up and take off as crazy as you wanna be.

Blush Novelties Suko Dildo

 

What’s coming in 2014 

Personally, Blush is one of the greatest companies I’d have the pleasure of communicating with, and everything from the packaging to the user experience is impeccable, beautiful, and exciting. So with 2014 coming up I was really excited to hear what was in store for us. So, with this introduction of the newest Blush product I feel like I should be screaming, BECAUSE THEY ARE COCKS. DONGS. MASSIVE DICKS THAT ARE MOLDED UP TO 14 INCHES OF THICK PENIS. YOU HAVE VEINS. YOU HAVE RIBS. YOU HAVE GIRTH. YOU HAVE AN ANGRY THROBBING (it’s not but it very well could be) MEMBER READY TO FUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOU. The newest line, Hard Steel, is impressive and bulging. And I love every part of it and can’t wait to try it out myself, since I’m a size goddess. As much as I loved Suko, it’s a princess wand compared to the below. Get ready for pooowwwaaahhhh.

Blush Novelties Hard Steel

 

 

Topco Sales

I dub thee best for: CyberSkin

Best of 2013

Well, we’re mixed again. This year I tried, and loved, tons of products from the UltraZone line, such as the Infinite vibe and Midnight Sun vibrating cock ring (damn good for couples’ play). Both provided a smooth, quiet, even, buzzy experience that led to multiple orgasms. With their wheel-function speed control and button controls (they differ on devices), it was easy to change the fun up, and they were pleasantly strong. The real fun came from the CyberSkin Big Ass Bang. As a woman with a vagina, I couldn’t fuck it. But I had the time of my life poking and smacking the material that had to have been created in Asgard. It’s crazy amazing and addictive. But after the entire office finished having their photographic love affair with the butt, it needed to be reviewed. So I found someone to review it. You know what, this takes the cake on product of the year in terms of fuckability.

 

What’s coming in 2014 

The unleashing of the Farrah Abraham! Or her molded sexual parts, that is. Crafted back in the chill of Autumn 2013, we were told by Topco that we should expect her pleasure line to hit shelves and then penises in January of 2014. It’s the 29th. I still see no Farrah parts. But, with the Farrah’d CyberSkin preview popping up around the internet, our eyes are peeled to the novelty news for the drop date.

Topco Mold of Farrah Abraham

 

 

nsnovelties

I dub thee best for: Massagers

Best of 2013

nsnovelties stands for New Sensations Novelties (or well, that’s what it should stand for because it’s the same family). And with the popular studio line from New Sensations entitled The Romance Series, it’s no surprise to me that their sex toy line is one of the best in personal massagers. They win Best Of with Muse, their tiny rechargeable bunny that is meant for complete clitoral bliss. From the tiny LED light ups to the steady power punch on your baby bits to the RECHARGEABLE factor, Muse sits right out their on my night stand for all to see and question about. I could not be happy about my career without having one and bragging daily about it. If ever you’ve wanted a squee toy that makes you happy to look at and to play with, Muse is it, and for that it was my favorite of the entire year.

Muse

 

What’s coming in 2014 

The in-it-to-win-it company is expanding on one of their most popular toys from the men’s line, the Renegade Pleasure Rocker. It was created penetrate and stimulate the prostate, while also massaging those gentle family jewels. It looks intense, and word is that it feels even more so. What nsnovelties did was just even the playing field, and they did so by releasing one for women — the Femme Vibrating G-Spot Rocker. Where the Renegade hits the prostate, Femme diddles your G-Spot and vibrates your clit. If you are one of the many that still hasn’t found the secret O-Town wonder, this could be just the thing for ya.

Femme Rocker

 

Crystal Delights

I dub thee best for: Classy glassy anal plugs

Best of 2013

I never would have known about the magical art that is Crystal Delights if it hadn’t been for the amazing Tasha Reign. Back in the fall, we at HotMovies interviewed her after she had a local exotic dance performance. Inquiring on her next big move, she mentioned that she had recently partnered up with Crystal Delights, an erotic toy company that featured glass butt plugs, and she was going to deliver lush, pastel-colored pony tails. We were curious immediately. After receiving the Reignbow Pony Tail from CD, we couldn’t stop our instant passion and showing-off skills. Everything they offer on their site is art — smooth, handmade glass and only the most artisan offerings in pony “hair”, feathers, fur, and faux fur. Another wonderful discovery was how easy the plugs were to wear. I had never tried one before, but insertion with lube was simple, and I felt sextastic and new throughout the entire experience. Also, the swirls of powdery glittery that statically float through the bulbs are again, magical. Swoon.

Tasha-Reignbow-Pony-Tail-Plug-4-colors

 

What’s coming in 2014 

Where we highlight the sugary swishes of candy-colored tails above, Crystal Delights is wowing us in the future with svelte, sophisticated tresses of natural hair color. It was easy to feel like a pampered pony princess with the explosion of the Reignbow tails in 2013, but now you can feel like a straight-up badass sex minx. Match your hair, match your cosplay, or throw on high heels and some wicked eyeliner — the point is, you will be in demand with these in. The bulbs are the same size, so they fit beginners or experts, and best of all, you can be in the upper echelon of pony tail wonderment.

 

Natural Colored Tails from Crystal Delight

 

Evolved Novelties

I dub thee best for: Something for everyone

Best of 2013

Evolved really does feature something for everyone, no matter who you are or what you like to fuck (just keep it legal, okay?). Stemming from Zero Tolerance Entertainment, Evolved carries that same edgy appeal that their studio productions excel in. Have you heard about my most favoritest parody ever, Game of Bones: Winter is Cumming? That was Zero Tolerance. And who doesn’t love Game of Thrones?! If you don’t, we are now enemies. So with their mass appeal toward everyone that loves sex, you’ll find their number one of the year — The Bendable You Too. The BYT is like a gymnastics sex nympho. It bends, and formfits to please your clit, g-spot, prostate, butt, nips, balls, whatever you need. The vibrations are powerful, and it can even be used underwater. Have fun with this in a couples romp or a solo sesh; this little guy aims to please you no matter what it takes or where it takes you.

Bendable You Too

 What’s coming in 2014

Evolved is constantly evolving (get it), so you never really know what you’re going to get from them. Keep yourself in the know by following their What’s New page.

 

The Screaming O

I dub thee best for: Novelties and Gift Bags

Best of 2013

Not even a contest, their Best of 2013 won over the world and myself. The MustachiO did more than obliterate the industry with smiles, it caught the eye of the mainstream intrigue as well. Having just won an honor at the XBIZ 2014 Awards for Best Discreet Pleasure Product of the Year, the really big splash was when they stood out among plenty of competition during the height of the Movember movement in 2013. It vibrates, and any person with a face can wear it and use it while performing a sexy move on a partner. Combining novelty with such an important movement is ingenious, as everyone got to participate in such an important charitable cause.

The Screaming O's MustachiO

 

What’s coming in 2014

As I mentioned in the Best For headline, The Screaming O is wildly popular with its assortment of sexy little knick knacks that they bundle into gift bags, and Valentine’s Day promises the best of the bunch. The Valentine Essential Gift Bag comes packed with tiny vibrating joys and a personal favorite, the Climax Cream (I swear by using this with the AmigOs vibe which is ADORABLE), and even a couple branded condoms. What else can you expect to be buzzed by? Tons of bright, popping, fun vibes and cock rings! The je ne sais quois of The Screaming O lives within the fun and fancy free vision of their toys. They don’t take themselves as novelties seriously, they’re made to have fun and capture the happiness of the screaming orgasm. Their new lines will continue to do precisely that.

The Screaming O

Of note: Some sex toy companies are not represented here that you may be familiar with. This is due to quality or testing issues, and only HotMoviesForHer.com approved businesses are featured.

Bigfoot Porn, Really?

by Ashley Rosemont

 

Bigfoot Porn

 

Bigfoot porn? Yes. It’s part of a niche market in erotic literature known as cryptozoological erotica, or “monster porn.” The “monsters” range from figures in classic literature–like Frankenstein–to mythical beasts like gryphons, hydras, even unicorns. But the Bigfoot conceit, perhaps appropriately given the creature’s size, seems to be the biggest seller.  Author Virginia Wade (not her real name) claims she is making thirty thousand dollars a MONTH writing sexy stories about the world’s favorite elusive bear-ape-man. During a “slow” month, she makes $6K. The novels have been translated into multiple languages (I am pretty sure every continent has its own version of Bigfoot–but the prevailing mythology of the creature maintains that it lives somewhere between the Northeast United States and central Canada.

That’s a really insane amount of money for a stay-at-home mom to be making writing niche porn. How is this even possible? Well, the author’s first foray into hairy beast smut was barely a novella, only twelve thousand words, and sold for under a dollar on Amazon, self-published via their Kindle Direct Publishing. But it sold over 100,000 copies, so she got thinking: ““I started cranking them out,” she says. “If there was a market there for monster sex, I was gonna give it to them.” Now she’s on her way to becoming a millionaire.

Royalty rates for self-published books on Amazon are 70%, whereas typical rates via publishers are between 8% and 15%, according to Business Insider. Authors can do their own promotion via Facebook, Twitter and other online sources, and if enough positive reviews appear on Amazon this helps drive up sales, too. Wade’s experience is testament to the power of social media and online marketing and the potential for making real money as a writer, even via self-publishing.

It’s been happening with dinosaur erotica (another form of monster porn) for a while now! This hilarious niche market is all the rage and most of it is written by women. Actually, since the runaway success of that-book-about-a-certain-number-of-tones-of-a-certain-dull-color, many women are trying their hand at erotica, because women are also the top consumers of this form.

Yes, I know you’re thinking right about now, how can I quit my day job and start writing cryptozoological erotica for big money?

Well, it’s not as easy as you may think; internet sales of monster porn are becoming problematic. The Daily Beast article above describes the backlash against monster porn after The Kernel published an article on “the ubiquity of ‘rape fantasies, incest porn and graphic descriptions of bestiality and child abuse’ in smut sold on Amazon.com’ which meant that the mega online retailer had to start vetting its content more. Half of Wade’s content for sale on Amazon disappeared practically overnight with these newly vigorous guidelines. She had to clean up her titles to get her books listed again. Although Cum for Bigfoot, the original title, is still available on Amazon if you know where to look…although you may have to be satisfied with the title change to Moan for Bigfoot.

Unicorn porn might sound like a fun niche market; though if you Google it, you might just come up with a site full of interesting unicorn images. Now, you’ll find that most of them are not even remotely sexual, but some of them are downright subversive. Just goes to show, I guess. But there are some hilarious-sounding examples of erotic literature about unicorns out there and I urge you to at least search for them, even if you don’t plan on reading any of them. Just knowing this stuff is out there gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling.

For example:  My Unicorn Lover is nowhere near the best seller that Virginia Wade’s books are; in fact it only has one review on Amazon; but with a main character named Stronghorn it might fulfill some of those schoolgirls-with-horses fantasies that seem to be so common.

Oddly, the unicorn theme is found in some even more specific niche categories, like The Unicorn’s Horn which is classified as “rough monster breeding erotica.” Then there is Bred by the Unicorn, which is described as a “shapeshifter erotica romance.” It seems there are as many brands of unicorn erotica as there are color variations for My Little Pony.

If you want to try your hand at writing some of this monster erotica, you could always look for how-to advice from some of the writers themselves. This writer offers step-by-step tips for writing a sex scene between a unicorn and a rainbow.

My friends, if you are up to that challenge, I do believe there is a future in this industry for you.

 

 

 

Ashley Rosemont is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. She is a Renaissance woman of many talents, but tries to remain humble in the face of all the curveballs life throws her way. She has been a professional writer for over two decades, and specializes in writing on media, culture, health and sexuality.

‘Scuse Me, Do You Have Change for a Dildo?

by Ashley Rosemont

 

 

Let’s just say right now, vending machines are a wonderful invention. I recall a recent episode of Mad Men (the AMC hit TV series that takes place in the 1960s) where the office manager Joan complains that the new vending machines will make the secretaries fat because they can get a snack any time they want. Hey, lighten up, Joan, that’s the point!

 

It’s true, they’re a convenience we are often happy to see, and not just because they can satiate our cravings for sugar and peanuts. Vending machines that dispense condoms, aspirin, mouthwash, lipstick and other sundries can make a night out on the town a bit more pleasant, if we find ourselves lacking something we need for a spur of the moment sleepover.

 

But if you live in a more sophisticated city than the one you probably live in, you’d be surprised by what you can obtain with a handful of change. Take the Europeans, who carry a little basket to go food shopping because they just grab what they’re having for dinner on the way home from work, along with a nice bottle of wine. So civilized! I’d love to be able to just tuck a baguette and a pork chop and a bottle of Cabernet in my woven bag as I walk down the cobbled streets in my high heels, tossing my shiny hair which smells of Chanel No. 5. Then again, you can also buy a fresh baguette from a vending machine. Vive la France!

 

But what if you’re not going straight home for dinner, but have a long boring train commute? Maybe you need some refreshment of the adult variety that doesn’t come in a bottle. This town in Italy has decided it’s not happy about the sex toys being sold in train station vending machines.

 

Come again? Yes, that seems to be the idea, as you can purchase a wide range of freaky playthings in one convenient coin-operated box. To be fair, the company who owns the vending machines says that Casarsa us the first town where there have been any complaints about the public display of sex toins available to anyone who can pop some coins or a bill in a slot.

 

Here’s the thing about vending machines; they confer a certain sense of anonymity. You’re not in a store with room for lots of other people, like your girlfriend, your mother, your high school English teacher or your rabbi. You may look around surreptitiously, but as long as you have your money handy, you can get your goods and disappear into the crowd. It feels just a little bit naughty, doesn’t it? Well, given what you can buy in vending machines these days, feeling guilty about a candy bar is the least of your worries. Imagine getting caught with a big black dildo? (or you know, blue or purple, whatever color you like)

 

The author of this blog post makes a good point, when he wonders what those offended by vending machines dispensing vibrators would make of the Japanese vending machines that sell used schoolgirls’ panties. No, really.  It’s true, even snopes.com says so!

 

You can actually buy a whole bunch of wonderful and unusual items in Japanese vending machines, as this article explains. Like toilet paper, eggs, beer, porn, sex toys, live lobsters, neckties, and ramen noodles. Really, this are exactly the sorts of things one should be able to buy in a vending machine; I mean, buying a live lobster at a grocery store is just kind of embarrassing if you think about it. I don’t want a bunch of people in line behind me at checkout line watching me buy a lobster, ya know?

 

Italy is not the only city to sell pocket rockets and ball gags to people with bulging pockets (hey! I meant bulging with COINS!); Holland has been selling sex toys from vending machines for years; and they’re called Vibrato-maats! The machines cater to both men and women, and sell an assortment of lubricants and lingerie, too.

 

But what about the United States, you’re wondering. Do I have to go all the way to Vegas to find a dildo in a vending machine? Well, maybe. Though most of our great states at least have a shop or two (or a hundred if you’re in New York City or San Francisco) to purchase such items freely. But you might have trouble buying sex toys in Alabama, where they’re illegal for purchase even for medical use, unless you use the drive-thru. And, until the law was recently overturned, sex toys were also banned for sale in Texas. This excellent article discusses the finer points of the legislation and precedent-setting court cases surrounding the banning of sex toys in America. Hard to believe you can buy guns and ammo at Walmart, but a sex toy has to be bought on the downlow…

 

Ashley Rosemont is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original erotic site for women by women. She is a Renaissance woman of many talents, but tries to remain humble in the face of all the curveballs life throws her way. She has been a professional writer for over two decades, and specializes in writing on media, culture, health and sexuality.

This Isn’t Christmas Vacation for Featured Fuck of the Day

We know it’s a mind fuck — there are only nine days until Christmas. But believe it, because the halls are decked and there’s a fucking Christmas Vacation Porn Parody out there. It was released in 2010 and doesn’t really star anyone I quite know (also Melanie Rios totally does a double-take likeness to Farrah Abraham), but it’s a parody of one of the best holiday movies ever made so it’s worth a watch. HOWEVER, as one of our previous editors mentioned, don’t ever associate this is National Lampoon and their snot-out-your-nose comedy. This is fuck-to-suck scenes with no real plot other than the one going on in your head based off memory. But it is the featured movie of the day, and here is your promised free Dirty Thirty clip and a link to the full-length feature.   Watch in its entirety here: 

Go Play: Fantasy Vibe by Blush Novelties

 

Fantasy Vibe from Blush Novelties

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mini skinny

This noisy little pet will get the job done, and quickly. The see-thru aspect will appeal to your 90s kitsch, but the length, size, and flexibility will appeal to your baby bits.

requires//two AA batteries

noise//< < < < <

vibration settings//increasing. as you turn the knob the toy gradually gets stronger, no settings.

 

 

 

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 yay!

  • waterproof, so get funky in the shower

  • multi-speed through knob, not buttons

  • flexible

  • translucent for that 90s charm

 

 

damn.

  • pretty noisy; not discreet

  • multi-speed through knob, not buttons (could go either way)

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in full

Visually this is not the most appealing dildo that I have in my collection, but also not the least attractive. You can see the bullet through the pink-tinted silicone near the head of the shaft, and it is probably one of the largest bullets I have laid eyes on. Since the phthalate free, TPR material is pretty translucent, you can also see the cord from the bullet running down the middle to the base. The cord doesn’t leave the waterproof dildo though (this baby is all batteries), you turn it on you simply turn base.  Here is where my confusion came in, I turned it all the way and originally thought this was one speed – super fast. It wasn’t until I was turning it off that I realized that if you only slightly turn the knob, it actually is multi-speed.

The dildo is rather large – 7.5 insertable inches – for my normal purposes, but I made do, and don’t get me wrong – it did its job, and fast. It could have been because I started out on superfast speeds, or the large size, or the giant bullet that is making the vibration.

The down side of this vibrating dildo is that it is really loud if you are not using it for full penetration. The more divulged it is, the quieter it gets, but if you are into pumping action it actually makes a revving sound that you might not want to use and be so obvious about if your parents or children or significant other are around.

My favorite part of this dildo is that it is flexible. Vibrating dildos are not normally my thing, I’m a girl that like a lot of clitoral stimulation. The flexible material allowed for me to get creative and the material allowed the vibration to transcend entirely down the shaft and still remain powerful.

If it weren’t for the loud volume of the vibration I would give this 8 out of 10 stars (if we used a star rating system here). But since it is noisy, I have to stick with a seven. The other two points off are due to it not being really clear that the speed can be adjusted and it not having a feature so I could easily use my other hand to adjust the speeds.  I do, however, understand the need for the design to be the way it is though so it can remain waterproof.

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Find out where to buy this. And be a fan of Blush. They may toss me a toy here and there to review, but we have an agreement — no bias bs, just orgasm rating.

 

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Predicting the Sex Toys of 2014

We’ve got some weird shit ahead of us, ladies of the orgasms. Now, I’m no Epiphora, but my job entails that I keep on the up and up regarding sex toys and wheeeee tools. All I can say is, the emails are coming in and the pussy play things aren’t just vibrators. Here’s a look at some of the releases just launched or are coming out, and my predictions (through them) for the sex toys of 2014.

 

The Lelo Ida

 

This is the toy version of attending a rave. It spins and it spins and it pulses and it’s meant for group romping. As in, you put this thing inside of you and get your penetration on. It slips in with the disk…thing…on your clit and rotates inside of you while a penis is inside of you. Re-reading the above description I now feel really raunchy, but there’s no other way to describe it. It’s a pleasure tool for a couple.

2014 prediction: The whole “couple porn” ideal is really starting to boom in evolution. First there was 50 Shades, and now we are seeing porn studios popping up with more and more “romantic” couple porn. Creating toys that can be used by both is a no brainer. Introducing different technology and sleeker shapes is how they will accomplish that.

see also: VI-BO by Tenga, who is launching a whole new line for couples and THIS

 

Nalone for Lovehoney Pulse and Rhythm Sound-Activated Toys

Coming from an entire line of futuristic toys, the Pulse and the Rhythm devices are activated by sound. As in, get off to music or to your partner’s voice. Can we be honest for a second? Because HOLY SHIT YES PLEASE. Dirty talk is taken to a whole new level. Not only will he (or she) be turning you on with the little “bad girl” comments but their voice will make the vibrator do what they say at will. I’m already shuddering and melting.

2014 prediction: We are going to see multiple things on the market using futuristic technology. You have the mini mics, electricity usage (which I have not gotten myself to try, but I can be talked into it so go ahead with the fanfare), and touch (not push) response. Lovehoney did a great thing recruiting Nalone into their collection, but we will see the followers soon enough.

 

 

 Shiri Zinn for Baci Minx Designer Vibrator

If you visit her website, this is not exactly new for Shiri Zinn. But you know what is? Baci selling sex novelties. And this tail idea? Popping up a bit more now that the bronies are coming out into the public eye.

2014 prediction: I’m seeing a lot of companies start to enjoy the thrill from fusing together to enter into unknown territory. Another launch coming soon is from Nexus, who mainly focuses on men and prostate massagers. No longer! Bisous will revolutionize their platform, and they promise a more femme line is going to be another highlight to their brand.

 

 Hello Touch by Jimmyjane

Don’t worrrrrrry, I know this little shocker came out in early 2013, but it really was a pivotal moment in pleasure products, am I right? And honestly, is it hard to believe that the Apple products of the bangarang industry would take a year to emulate? Jimmyjane is a forefront company, meaning that with founder Ethan Imboden at the head of the biz, they never look to the past for inspiration unless it means combining past problems with thinking out of the box. They have a vision, and lord is it streamlined.

2014 prediction: We can expect more ideas from the Jimmyjane HQ, but with all the buzz they created (heh heh) with the Hello Touch, and how Lelo is constantly creating a new identity in products as well, cheaper versions will pop up of their defining “toys” (can we even call the hello touch that?). Technology will begin to merge with the body, to really take the manufactured identity out of the picture.

 

WowerShower

When I was first discovering masturbation (here comes another Emja personal sex moment), I used…the faucet. I won’t tell you how old I was. But I will admit to thinking of Joey from Friends…for whatever reason. Anyway, I would take an extra long “shower” and just lay back on the tub floor, scoot up my bum to the front, and spread leg. The waterfall, oh it brought explosions to me. So seeing this, you know what, that’s genius. And it’s representing the fact that DIY sex toys are a thing, but instead of fucking a cucumber or a balloon, maybe leave household items to the pros.

2014 prediction: With the emergence of the WowerShower, the vibrating bicycle seat, and wake-me-oh! vibes, more little-known companies will excel in creating everyday items that are really fuck-me-nows. It’s time to ditch the danger of DIY and market on the novelty of the every day badass badness.

 

Avengers Pieces of Pleasure

 If you were watching the blogs carefully last month, you’re aware then that this is just a concept design from Balazs Sarmai, and that talented m-effer broke geek girls’ hearts everywhere (including mine) when we found out they weren’t real. He even unveiled a Loki edition when said girls kept complaining to complete the series. WHY HAS NO ONE MADE THESE YET?!?!

2014 prediction: Well, with the super hero boom (thank you Marvel, I love you) taking a liking by the mainstream eye, there are familiar lines popping up. However, I’m sticking by my heart that someone will make these. I see this coming. Doc Johnson, helllloooooo.