All posts by brandi

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Porn Stars Are Athletes Too

In the early 2000s, or what I like to refer to as the Bring It On era, I found myself engaged in a debate over whether cheerleaders were athletes or not. Before then I had never given much thought to questioning if they were or weren’t, I thought it was obvious they were, and now I’m faced with the same question in regards to porn stars. With all the madness that comes along with March and our annual PornTourn competition, we decided to attack the question head on.

What Is an Athlete?

Webster defines the word athlete as “a person who is trained or skilled in exercises, sports, or games requiring physical strength, agility, or stamina.” The key words in that definition are “trained” and “skilled.” Anyone can go out and shoot hoops, but the training and skill levels are what separate athletes from everybody else.  This is where I think we forget about porn stars. On any given night, you can see a video clip of Stephen Curry or James Harden working on their handles in a gym for hours. Turn on NFL Network and you’ll get a glimpse of the next big college prospect bench pressing two times their body weight and talking about the off-field work that we viewers rarely get to see. What we aren’t privy to is all the work porn stars put in behind the scene. Think about it, we never get to see Prince Yahshua’s push up routine before flipping chicks over with his dick still inside, or watch the beautifully buff women of Iron Belles during a regular gym workout that doesn’t involve face smothering some skinny chump (I say that with all the love in my heart). Some might argue that with porn stars nobody wants to witness the unsexy hard work that they put into their bodies, but I live for behind the scenes footage so that reasoning doesn’t work. Others might admit to a similarity here or there but deny that porn stars are on the same athletic level as semi-pro and pro athletes. I’d argue they’re wrong.

High Level Consistency

Nobody wants to be the guy that only wins the championship once. That’s like only serving one term as President. I mean, yay, accomplishment, but winning and being great is about consistency and what goes into maintaining it. You can’t mention the word consistent in porn circles without then mentioning Nina Hartley. Look at that figure! You don’t get a body like that just having great sex, although I’m sure it helps. But diet and routine (along with genetics) get the credit per Nina, and that alone is more than some of us can handle. Trying not to eat bacon three times a day is struggle enough for me. But believe it or not, Nina Hartley isn’t the type to hit the gym regularly for vigorous cardio and she isn’t the only one. In a recent interview with Misty Stone I learned she doesn’t go out of her way to maintain her beautiful figure either. A balanced diet, amazing hygiene before and after shoots, and a little luck gets the credit per Misty.

Just like in sports, the same routine, or lack of one, can’t be applied across the board to obtain success. Because something works for one doesn’t mean it will work for others, and what comes easy for some won’t come easy for others. Tasha Reign gave OC Weekly the inside scoop on her pre-porn rituals and after letting the guys know it’s not as sexy as the fantasy she ultimately produces, she goes straight into how she cares for her body. It’s no secret that sex is one of the best (and usually free) workouts around, but some of the positions porn stars put themselves into goes way above what us amateurs try nightly. To keep up with the demand, Tasha keeps a group Pilates or yoga class on her schedule, maintains a vegetarian diet, and makes sure to get at least eight hours of sleep at night (sounds like the Tom Brady way of life). In 2010 Asa Akira admitted to Cosmopolitan that if she could, she’d work out every day of the week, but since scheduling would never allow that, she settles for a few days a week of boot camp training (which is insanely intense!) supplemented with yoga, and lots of dressing-free salads. Similarly, Jesse Andrews participates in boot camp training and hiking while throwing in fun physical activities like bowling and dodgeball and keeping a healthy diet free of bread, milk, and my personal favorite, McDonald’s. She juices a lot, and tries to eat kale at least once a day all in the name of adult entertainment. I thought I was doing something by making everything in my Starbucks order “skinny,” but these stars blow me out of the water.

I noticed that almost every performer I came across participated in some form of a physical stretching exercise like Pilates, yoga, or tai chi. When I was little my father put me in ballet classes, which was torture because I was not a girly girl and hated everything pink. When I begged and cried for him to take me out he explained his reasoning. Ballet would provide a foundation of footwork that I could take and build from to further better my overall basketball game. Once I heard and understood that, you couldn’t get me to skip a ballet class. I wanted to be the greatest basketball player to ever play for Pat Summit down in Tennessee and if ballet was going to help get me there I’d sleep in my tutu (ballet, you totally dropped the ball here). Because of the rigorous activity porn stars’ bodies must go through daily I think the boot camp, yoga, and Pilates become extremely important and necessary for some. Think about the positions they put themselves into and it’ll all make sense.

While Dana DeArmond doesn’t have to do much to keep herself looking fit, she did admit that foot worship scenes are very close to a core workout for her because while giving a footjob you must keep your middle balanced while stroking with your legs. Chanel Preston, who stays away from too much cardio for fear of being too skinny, talks about how much of a workout wearing a strap-on is, and I for one appreciate the hell out of that. Pelvic thrusting is one of my absolute favorite things to do, but squatting is one of my least favorite things to do, and fucking a chick with a strap is nothing if not squat class 101 (102 for us overachievers). And just about every female porn star ever asked about working out talked about posing, modeling, and lugging around a lot of shit, which got my wheels spinning…

Porn stars, like cheerleaders and gymnasts fall into the category of having to look good while putting their athleticism on display. The most I worried about when it came to appearance was if my sneakers and head band matched, and I bet Sam Cassell and Tyrone Hill can say the same thing. Appearing attractive while performing isn’t something many athletes have to think about. Adult performers, however, have it at the top of their morning list and are responsible for bringing their own wardrobe to set, which can consist of everything from 3 different outfits and 2 pair of heels to match, to that plus a suitcase filled with whips, chains, and a strap-on, which are heavier than they look. In pro sports, you don’t have to bring your own equipment and in college sports a lot of that is taken away, especially for stars. You’ll never see coach K showing up to a tourney game with a bag of balls for shoot around just like you’ll never see Usain Bolt cleaning up the track after a hard rain. Porn stars are expected to travel with most of their own shit though (if you’ve ever traveled with a woman you know the horror this could be), twist and conform their bodies into positions we’re too scared to do more than fantasize about, appear attractive to a wide audience, and look like they’re enjoying it. Imagine that was in the work contract you signed! I would be screwed. Sure Tina Thompson, the 1st overall pick in WNBA history, took it upon herself to wear red MAC Diva lipstick during every game, but that was more about luck and later in her career making a statement about women who play professional sports. For porn stars, something as simple as red lipstick, and looking good wearing it while sucking dick, is often a job requirement, and after viewing a million photos of yourself naked, keeping a positive body image and attitude can’t be the easiest thing in the world.

Siouxsie Q, who performs in a lot of hardcore BDSM titles, wrote an article for SF Weekly this year in which she talks about getting back into the adult industry and preparing for a shoot with everyone’s favorite queer, Andre Shakti. “Although I’ve missed getting paid to have sex with hot people, the epic hair and makeup, and the silly costumes and dialogue, the main thing I’ve missed about the adult film is the athletic lifestyle. When I was performing full time, I devoted much of my week to yoga, weight training, cardio, and a strict diet, but now that my life is more about policy papers and political action committees, there’s not much time for crafting my porn star bod. To get ready to be naked in front of the camera again, I’ve had to convince myself that I’m living in a training sequence from an inspirational sports movie from the 80s. This involves a great deal of hard-boiled eggs and running around my neighborhood at 7 a.m. in a waist-training corset. It’s not easy or glamorous, but neither is being a porn star.” Can you imagine that shit!? Siouxsie was only out of the game for about a year, and even though she’s heavy into BDSM, 7am runs in a waist corset!? That’s serious dedication right there, but I think my favorite part is that she actually missed the athletic lifestyle. The game is won in practice and conditioning, and athletes expected to perform with high consistency know this. Porn stars are no exception and Siouxsie Q’s example of commitment to preparation illustrates this perfectly. Not only is working out and eating healthy a constant, but upkeep like shaving, makeup, and all that jazz have to be top priorities too. With all the work adult entertainers put into their craft they deserve to be paid and acknowledged for it. This brings me to my next point…

NCXXX

For the most part professional athletes are paid very handsomely for their talents and the work that goes into them. Hell, some are paid way too much (Brock Osweiler, Kwame Brown, Andy Dalton) just because of the promise that they might be great, but when it comes to porn stars, they get the NCAA treatment regardless if they’re pro , semi-pro, or amateur playing in the d-league. The only thing missing is the outward appreciation college athletes get. Look at Rico Strong up there. He wasn’t born with those muscles, and even the fellas have to take a little time to appreciate the physique. Nobody wants to watch Fat Bastard (or Mike Myers for that matter) bang anything, no matter how hot she is, but do you think any of that turned into dollar signs for Rico? Despite all that bad ass ink I’m going to bet that answer is no, and that’s a shame. Male porn stars are pretty much only there to provide the dick in straight flicks, and on the surface that’s all they’re really good for. But there’s a lot that goes into the upkeep of that dick and the body it’s attached to.

Take the beloved Johnny Sins for example. To start his daily routine, Johnny stretches with a few kick backs and pushups before attacking those abs we all know and love with 12 reps of dead lifts, 24 reps of bicycles, and 12 reps of squat jump tuck. In fact, his routine and physique gained so much recognition that he started instructing in and selling workout videos (seriously, look at his YouTube page). And that’s on top of his whole grain diet in which he stays away from microwaves and eats every two to three hours to keep his metabolism going. That seems like a lot for someone who is essentially a prop on set who just needs to keep it hard for hours and then cum when he’s told. You’d think there would at least be some type of handshake or pat on the back when it’s all said and done since this is the guy who banged the hot babe while lifting her over his head, which just happens to be your favorite position to fantasize about and makes you cum every single time, but nope! The dude is responsible for maintaining a certain look, keeping his junk up for an insane amount of time (diet plays a factor here), busting a nut on cue, lifting chicks with big asses and even bigger titties (weight lifting, ugh), and nobody buys his jersey or shakes his hand. Plus his check is smaller than his female co-stars every single time, and if you’re a minority it’s even less! If it wasn’t for the sex I don’t think guys would even show up, and I can’t blame them.

Speaking of all the sex that makes it so worth it, James Deen talked to GQ back in 2013 and shed light on just how much of a workout it is. “In the film world, people don’t realize you’re not just having sex. Sex on camera can be anywhere from 20 minutes to four hours. It all depends on the production and type of scene. It’s also not just standard sex like, ‘let’s just make each other’s bodies feel good,’ its physical entertainment style sex.” That doesn’t sound as great as it looks especially the stop and go of it all, and it really makes you think about how much work goes in to sex for entertainment. The performer is responsible for making sure we have a good time, and while it falls on everyone in the scene, men in straight movies bear that burden, although they often go unappreciated (straight women who enjoy porn feel this pain too). I can’t imagine someone stopping me in the middle of a good time with Kira Noir to pose for the camera and after it’s all said and done I don’t even get a “great job Authentic Lezz!” I understand that these guys get to fuck some of the hottest, freakiest, downright irresistible women walking the face of the earth (at least that’s what we think), but employee recognition goes a long way and it’s not like the guys aren’t working hard for it. The way Ryan Madison fucks is nothing less than exhausting and to think he’s stopping and changing angles and actually working in the middle of it all literally is enough to blow my mind. That man puts the energizer bunny to shame!

A Means to an End

Athletics of any kind are encouraged in today’s society more than ever before. Not only does being athletic promote a healthy lifestyle, but team activities teach us how to depend on each other, work together, overcome adversity, and succeed as a unit. It helps in the workplace and in one’s social life, but today being athletic and playing a sport has taken on a new and bigger role. That shit pays for college! Higher education has become big business that most of us can’t afford, but we’re constantly told we need it (similar to what’s going on with home buying in today’s economy, but I digress). That piece of paper opens up a world of opportunities and if you can sing, dance, run, jump, or anything else that people are willing to pay to watch you do to get it then by all means GO… unless it’s porn. Enter Belle Knox. Intelligent enough to get accepted into Duke University, Knox began her adult actress career in 2013 to help pay for her $60,000/year tuition. Pornography allowed her to control her schedule so she wouldn’t miss classes but still make enough money to survive, a constant struggle for working college students, while ensuring she wouldn’t be trapped in debt upon graduation. On top of that she entered a profession where she could travel, meet and learn from all types of diverse people, explore her sexuality and body image, something all young women go through, and be subjected to medical testing to ensure her safety, something us non-porn star college kids didn’t do enough. What parent wouldn’t be proud of her as a daughter!?

Despite what, when laid out, many would consider major accomplishments and smart thinking on her part, Belle Knox faced a lot of criticism because of her career choice. Besides being ousted and harassed by the frat boys watching porn in the first place, she lost respect from some of her professors and peers, and had to explain her lifestyle and job to staff. Apparently providing adult entertainment to the masses is not an acceptable way to make a living, although watching it bears no ill judgments from society (that double standard kills me!). Sit back and imagine if the dean of your kid’s school called them into a meeting to explain why they work one place instead of another and then made judgments based on that one thing. I’m telling you now, I’d be happily in prison watching graduation on Twitter Live using a burner phone somebody snuck me because that dean’s face would no longer look the way God intended. For the life of me I will never understand many of the ridiculous stereotypes that follow sex workers, but the one that really grinds my gears is that somehow your preppy snot nosed kid is being negatively influenced or put in danger. Countless porn stars have studied at and walked college campuses before, during, and after their career, and not one of them (to my researched knowledge) has ever harmed anyone. In fact, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to have Brandi Love (Central Michigan), Bree Olsen (Indiana Purdue), Carter Cruise (East Carolina University), Lexington Steele (Syracuse), Stoya (Delaware College of Art & Design), and Joanna Angel (Rutgers) on campus. The experience they have across the board, life lessons they can share, and the immense success they’ve all enjoyed are priceless to anyone they stop and talk to.

It’s time we recognize adult entertainers as professional athletes and give them the credit they deserve. Hopefully you pay for porn, and that’s great because they worked hard to provide you with a quality product you can jizz all over, but it goes beyond that. The way we view and think about porn stars on a day-to-day basis needs to escalate to a level where we begin to consider workouts, diet, make-up, wardrobe, and the expectations we place on them that we wouldn’t be able to meet ourselves, because it really is a lifestyle that they must adhere to on and off camera. It’s bad enough there’s no union, health care, or HR departments stars can rally around on the same level as us office dwellers, so the least we can do is acknowledge everything that they do to make themselves great and us horny.

That’s all for now, but for more from the great mind of the Authentic Lesbian, follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 and remember, sex is positive, sex is your friend, and sex can pay the bills!

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Unsung Black Porn Stars

When it comes to history and pointing out those who were instrumental in influencing and writing that history there are always going to be a few that get left out for one reason or another. When looking at black porn stars in the industry it hit us here in the office that there are so many actors and actresses out there that deserve at least a shout out, so we came up with a list of very influential black adult performers who just about everyone knows when they see them, but never quite obtained the mainstream household celebrity status like Sean Michaels or Heather Hunter for example.

Byron Long

First, let me start by saying this list isn’t in any particular order, as it would be impossible to rank everyone, but what better place to start than with Byron Long, the dick slanging master of ass himself. Yeah, Byron is in the Urban X Hall of Fame (2008) and AVN Hall of Fame (2010) but this brother is somehow left out of mainstream conversations when it comes to black porn pioneers and that’s just wrong.

Monique

Everybody should know Monique! She’s one of the few performers who can go by one name and still manage to separate from the pack. From 1996 to 2010 Monique was sucking dicks and licking clits like it was a passion instead of a job. Her sloppy blowjobs along with her intense sex faces make her a face you can’t forget. With over 350 scenes you won’t find a shortage of Monique scenes on our site, but if you’re looking for a place to start try Cumback Pussy 2 Crawling Back For More. Her foursome with Midori, Nyrobi Knights and Tom Byron (who also directed the movie) is amazing.

Devlin Weed

Devlin Weed taught me the deep stroke! I never knew much about when or where he came from, but I knew when he started grinding hardcore missionary style we both were about to cum. He’s also a pretty good dirty talker between the sheets and never shies away from telling a chick to shave her pussy before he goes up in that.

Nyomi Banxxx

I first met Nyomi Banxxx in Zero Tolerance’s Official Friday Parody, and it was love at first site. As if her scene with Lee Bang wasn’t enough, the behind the scenes footage gave fans a taste of her fun, witty personality and I couldn’t get enough. I spent days going through her scenes and was never disappointed. Her boobs always look amazing, her energy is consistently great, and her acting skills are good enough to award her any character she wants. While Banxxx was nominated for over 10 awards throughout her career, her 3 wins all come from Urban X. Definitely unsung…

Lee Bang

Speaking of Lee Bang, you can find him in just about everything made between 2004 and 2011. He’s fucked all the bad chicks with the amazing asses and then married (and divorced) Sophie Dee’s sexy ass. He’s the Nick Cannon of porn, somebody give that man an award!

Jazmine Cashmere

Good lawd all that ass! Jazmine Cashmere owned the early 2000s with her amazing body and great camera presence. The fact that she was in almost every Black Ice flick throughout the years helped tremendously also. When those two got together, a good time was an instant promise. I doubt many forgot Jazmine’s name or ass, but the fact that she was only ever acknowledged with awards and nominations from Urban Spice speaks volumes. Get used to is cause it’s a constant…

Tony Eveready

Tony Eveready is the hilarious guy with a smile on his face in every gang bang. I remember thinking Tony had to be the happiest guy in the world when it came to his job, and why wouldn’t he be!? He’s in over 600 movies and has worked for major studios like Devil’s Film, Elegant Angel, and Heatwave, yet he’s another one who often gets lost over the years.

Candace Von

Candace Von was born to model. In fact, that’s kind of how she started back in 2005. I don’t know the whole story, but I do know a lot of people she made happy throughout the years. She can never be thanked enough for the hours of titty fucking and booty shaking she’s given the world!

Wesley Pipes

If you don’t know Wesley Pipes, at least by face, you are missing out on some of the most energetic, interactive sex ever created! Pipes brought a whole new level of bad boy to the scene when he walked on set complete with “thug life” and gun tattoos, gold teeth, huge bold pieces of jewelry, and an “I’m here to fuck” attitude. You get the impression, even through the screen, that Wes ain’t for the bullshit. Once on set he yelled “Next time I wanna fuck til I cum” after having to beat off the last few minutes and I’ve been hooked every since.

Kapri Styles

Kapri Styles had dudes running around like chickens with their heads cut off for about 5 years straight. After she hit the scene in 2005 nobody could get enough of her caramel complexion, strategically placed tattoos (the ass tats still get me every time), small frame, and of course her beautiful big ass! There’s no shortage of Kapri Styles scenes on our site, but I recommend Nat Turnher’s Phuck Girl 10 for Justin Slayer International. The duo gets downright nasty and Kapri’s ass in on full display.

Jack Napier

Jack Napier is a true pioneer of black porn and no list would be complete without him. He fucked so many white women on camera that I thought his plan was just to capitalize off nothing but interracial flicks. And for a while that’s just what he did! To further leave his mark, Jack went on to direct movies and produced hit series like There’s Something About Jack and Jack Napier’s Ridin’ Dirty.

Marie Luv

Marie Luv is drop dead gorgeous, and because of her look and appeal she actually did obtain a little bit of mainstream success. I love her in everything she did with Mike John for Jules Jordan, and because she wasn’t confined to the same “ghetto booty” stereotypes as many of her peers, a wider audience was exposed to her, bringing her closer to the household name fame that usually indicates you’ve made it. And while she was nominated for a group scene by AVN in 2011, it seems she quietly faded from the limelight and people’s minds over the years.

D. Snoop

This smooth light skinned brother with the perfect straight backs is straight outta Compton and known for his resemblance to rapper Snoop Dogg. When I think of D. Snoop I can’t help but smile with fond memories. The way he busts Veruca James’ pussy wide open in the Official Next Friday Parody makes you want to take notes, and the energy and fun he brings to any of the million gang bangs he’s participated in takes them to another level. He’s another star nominated a bazillion times but never called up on stage.

Sinnamon Love

I know you remember Sinnamon Love! She popped on the scene in 1993 and changed the game with her small frame, big breasts, and plump ass that you can’t get enough of. Love was inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame in 2011, but I was surprised to see that over the course of her 15+ year career she was never nominated for anything else from them. Her scene with Lily LaBeau in Girlfriend’s Black & Tan – A Tasty Mix was worth an award alone. Watching Lily rub her knee up against Sinnamon’s clit to get her off and the ensuing 69 with asses in the air is something you definitely want to see!

Charlie Macc

Charlie Macc and his 12” penis burst on the scene by way of West Coast Productions and never looked back. Watching Macc fuck was always intriguing to me because I wanted to see who in the industry could take a full pounding from his monster cock. Most of the time it hardly got all the way in, but the girls always wanted to try. He strikes me as the type of guy that’s laid back and easy to get along with whether you’re on set or sitting on the porch talking shit with your friends. He’s also a butt fanatic like myself, which is evident by his many appearances in series like Big Phat Apple Bottom Bootys, Big Butt All Stars, Giant Black Greeze Butts, and Big Phat Black Wet Butts.

Cherokee D’Ass

Moving from Charlie Macc to Cherokee D’Ass just feels right. Even if you’ve never seen or heard of her, which I highly doubt, you know from her name what it’s all about. If you’ve had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with D’Ass then yeah, you know what it’s hitting for. Pictures don’t even do her body justice. I’m telling you, watching Cherokee ride dick is one of the most beautiful things you’ll ever see! With all that juicy booty bounding up and down and up and down it’s a wonder dudes don’t nut themselves after just 4 strokes. I can’t lie, she makes a lesbian really sit back and wonder how amazing that shit must feel. I don’t even need to point you in any directions when it comes to her. Watch any movie in her catalogue and you will be satisfied.

Ethan Hunt

Ethan Hunt blew me (and himself) away in the Official Boyz N The Hood Parody from Black Ice (if you haven’t noticed I really like parodies). Everything from his look to his voice fit the part, and waiting for his sex scene, which turned out to be the last one, didn’t even feel long because the movie and it’s execution were that good. Being in front of the camera turned out to be just the start for Mr. Hunt. He took his skills behind the camera to direct and produce, and even went on to start his own production company. The man is successful, business savvy, married to Isis Taylor, and his smile is adorbs… what’s not to love!?

Pinky

Ahh the icon herself! Say what you want about Pinky. but she is the definition of a black woman on her grind. Being ridiculously thick can take you a lot of places in the adult industry, but Pinky has stretched that shit beyond imagination and when you really sit back and think about it she’s inspiring as fuck. She sold her first flick out of the trunk of her car and turned that into a wig fashion line, a bubble butt tour across the country, features on rap songs and in videos, her own production company complete with contract girls, and she gets paid to host parties and events from state to state. Every time this woman blinks an eye she gets paid, and the crazy thing is she was only active (outside of a few clothed appearances here and there) between 2010 and 2014. Watch her strap game in Pinky’s New Booties 2 or her killer blowjobs in Pinky’s Dick Sucking For Dumb Asses and you’ll see what the fuss is about.

Jon Jon

You’ve seen this skinny, tatted-up, slightly pierced, mohawk wearing dude in everything and just like everyone else you said “oh yeah, that guy” and kept it moving. Jon Jon entered the biz in 2006 and has worked with some of the sexiest women you’ll ever see for major studios like Black Market Entertainment, Evasive Angles, and Lethal Hardcore. His specialty, or more likely that role that keeps coming his way, seems to be banging white actresses like his life depends on it. His fingerprint is all over Mofos MILFs Like It Black series and he has over 600 interracial scenes accredited to his name.

Roxy Reynolds

Feels like this is turning into an asses of the century post and not only am I perfectly fine with that, but I’m throwing Roxy Reynolds in the mix. Look at that thing! With all that how could anybody need anything else? Just sit that bad boy down and we’re good to go. Seriously though, Roxy has been around for years making dicks and clits feel good on top of dancing and modeling in her off time. My all time favorite Roxy scene is every single time she appeared in a Brian Pumper Phattys Rhymes & Dimes title. Those two just work together, plus she shakes her ass during his music videos, making them a little more tolerable, just sayin’.

I laughed, I cried, I reflected on life and even changed religions a few times while looking black actors and actresses up. The influence and culture that has been created as a result of black people’s presence in the adult entertainment industry is evident and essential to keeping our porn space safe, fun, and (mostly) judgement free. There are many many more black porn stars out there who deserve more recognition than the industry, and us as consumers, give them,  so do yourself a favor and treat this list as a starting point to guide your own black porn history research.

For more make sure to follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1. Until next time, stay freaky!

The Authentic Lesbian Review: The Candidate

Dana Vespoli is a fucking genius! The last flick I watched from Dana also happened to be a Sweethearts Video title called Lefty that I completely went ape shit over (review here), and following up with The Candidate was exactly what I needed. The plot is beyond captivating, nothing new for my fellow Dana fanatics, the acting is so spot on you once again forget you’re watching a porno, something I really value, and, of course, the sex is great. The Candidate is situated in today’s hostile and terrifyingly politically charged good ole U S of A. Sounds incredibly sexy right!?

Scene 1 – Penny Pax & Casey Calvert

When we open, Democratic Senator Jen Hanlon is in position to be the first woman president of the United States of America, and her ad is playing on TV. From the very beginning you’re going to get this parody because Dana wastes no time setting up parallels. Senator Hanlon can’t help but remind one of Hillary Clinton with the sexy swag that only Brandi Love can bring, but before you even see her the message is going to sound very familiar. “The usual liberal bullshit”, which we’re reminded of by Republican Senator Trip Mathis (played by the convincing Alec Knight), as he so gently puts it before rambling about some clip of him shaking an oriental’s hand missing from his own ad. Right away he’s annoying as fuck (his name is Trip for crying out loud!). Well done Mr. Knight!

Also right away, we get a sort of stick-it-to-the-douche-homophobe-Republican-know-it-all-white-dude moment when it becomes obvious that Senator Mathis’ daughter, Penny Pax (yes, her beautiful breasts are also here!) is a lesbian fucking her best friend, Casey Calvert, right under his nose in his own house (reminds me of some fun times). Casey mentions Senator Hanlon’s new and highly effective campaign ad and the two briefly discuss Penny’s pop before clearing their heads and doing the nasty. I haven’t seen Pax’s big bouncy boobs in a while, so when the pair began taking their clothes off I couldn’t wait. I was so anxious that I seriously think my favorite part of the entire scene was when Casey put both of Penny’s tits in her mouth, a challenge I more than welcome, and gave a quick motor boat. I flipped! I really, really like Penny’s boobs…

Anyway, the sex throughout the scene was pretty basic as far as positions go. Casey started off by fondling Penny for a while before eating her asshole out and fingering her to god knows how many orgasms. It’s Penny’s turn, and she flips Casey over returning the favor with a really sloppy head job that is sure to turn on, and a little dirty talk. They 69 which briefly turns into Penny sitting on Casey’s face because the tongue game is that strong, and at one point I thought she was going to have to jump down, but she rode Casey’s face all the way to the bank and cashed in with a huge thank you in the form of fingers and lips. It was crazy hot for a first scene.

Scene 2 – Brandi Love & Julia Ann

Finally we get to meet Senator Hanlon. She’s being interviewed by Dana Vespoli about her recent heroic act where she ran into a burning school building and saved a bunch of kids from horrible fire death. Turns out her instincts just kicked in and her years of volunteer fire work under her fire chief dad more than paid off. Not only did she save lives, but the publicity she’s getting is right on time and to top things off she gets to go home and sleep with Julia Ann…Julia fucking Ann! Have you ever seen Brandi Love and Julia Ann in the same room together, let alone kissing and touching all over each other!? It’s better than paradise and it’s happening! I mean, look at them up there. You can’t tell me that isn’t a sexy overload. The only thing that threw me slightly off was Julia literally rolling into the room in a wheelchair. Dana, the subtleties are not lost on me! Mostly though I wanted to see if Julia would be able to stay in character with Brandi undressing and sucking on every inch of her body. Getting her on the bed was the toughest challenge I saw in the near future, and my dreams of watching it go down were cut short by editing. I get it though…

What I didn’t expect was the level of sensitivity the wheelchair introduced into the scene. Senator Hanlon loves and respects her partner and it’s obvious in the extra care she demonstrates while undressing and caressing her. It’s also apparent through their words. In-between kissing we learn that the two gorgeous women have been together for quite some time and the passion is still incredibly strong in their relationship. There are millions of ways to introduce sensitivity into a movie scene, especially a lesbian plot-based scene, but the wheelchair was different, creative, and effective. As Brandi gently kisses down Julia’s body it’s easy to get lost in this fake-relationship (see what I did there) and forget this isn’t just a love scene in a made-for-TV flick. I always appreciate when a porno takes me out of the normal porno element and makes me forget where I am, and Dana is great at it. The chemistry really makes this scene and watching it was just as fun.

Both of these experienced women know their way around the female body and they’re comfortable in theirs so the sex is going to be exactly what you’ve come to expect from a Sweethearts title. Brandi is super focused on pleasing Julia, paying attention to every little detail, ensuring she hit all the right spots at just the right moment. Since Julia’s legs don’t work, it kind of forces the pair into moments of scissoring that will force you over the edge. The position is pretty sexy itself, throw these two moaning, making sexy time faces, bumping clits with juices running down every which way into the mix and yeah, it’s a good time! There was a slightly awkward mostly chuckle-worthy part where Julia wants to taste the Senator so Brandi kind of rolls her over and she flaps on her stomach. It made me smile.

After all the lovemaking is over shit gets real, typical for a Dana Vespoli flick, with Julia letting the Senator know she thinks it’s time to come out of the closet and there’s no better place to do it than the LGBTQ rally she’s due to speak at. Possible future prez brings up a good point though. Yeah, while it does seem disingenuous to speak at the rally and not come out as a lesbian, she’s been in the public eye for a really long time without revealing that part of her identity and it could be seen as an attention grab. Plus, she’s a woman running for president! We already know how hard that is and that people will still rather see a crazy too-damn-tan-for-his-own-good man with no political background over an experienced and qualified woman, but hey, I just write about porn…

Scene 3 – Brandi Love & Bree Daniels & Uma Jolie

Meanwhile back at the rich boys club, Senator Mathis sends his campaign manager on a hunt for dirt on his competition, and man is it good dirt! Senator Hanlon made a sex tape back in college with two of her sorority sisters and the shit is out! After locating and securely hiding my college tape fun times (I plan to run as Kanye’s VP next go round – anyone can win right?) I was back to being glued to the screen. Senator tight-ass is stressed all the way out while Trip, who I’m waiting on to trip over something at some point in this movie, loves every minute of watching it. It’s a damn good threesome to say the least! Bree Daniels and Uma Jolie are hot as fuck and make the perfect DTF sorority sisters for a young freaky Senator Hanlon.

I love how the sex starts instantly in this scene. Before you know it Bree Daniels’ sexy redhead ass is sitting on Brandi’s face while Uma sucks her off. I always preach of balance is key in threesomes (and life) and without it the experience doesn’t come across as fun and exciting. You don’t have to worry about that this time around. Every woman in this scene is sucked, fucked, fingered, fondled, kissed, and licked to the point of no return and back again. I think Uma got it the best while in the pile-driver position with Bree fingering her pussy non-stop and Brandi working steadily on her clit. By the end of it all I think I was more exhausted than they were…

Scene 4 – Karlie Montana

Senator Hanlon neither confirms nor denies she’s on the sex tape (we all know what that means) but stands firm on her stance about slut shaming and attempts to divert everyone away from consensual adults fucking on tape to matters of poverty and the education system, you know, shit that matters. She even gives the press a “good day” at the end of her speech. Senator Mathis is still eating this up while giving his take on the sex tape, while Hanlon is explaining things to her wifey boo and trying to figure out how to clean up her image.

In what I’m considering a celebratory move, Senator Mathis calls over a friend who I’d put at least 50 bucks on as an escort (rich man’s prostitute) and has himself a nice glass of liquor while watching her masturbate. Solo scenes fascinate me for a variety of reasons but I found myself more than the usual turned on during this one. The music is sexy, Karlie Montana is hot as fuck, the lingerie is even spot on; this scene just sets the perfect mood. Watching Karlie strip-tease and grind her body up against the bed could have lasted for hours as far as I’m concerned. The heels were a little dangerous in my opinion, but still, great scene and great scene placement. That Vespoli is really something man.

Scene 5 – Kira Noir & Lyra Louvel

Holy shit! I haven’t even dried my fingers when in walks Senator Mathis’ daughter to see Senator Hanlon and my jaw hit the floor. I don’t trust it. Either her pop put her up to something or he’s about to get fucked over major by his blood. Turns out Penny agrees that what her father is up to as far as dragging Hanlon through the mud is wrong, and wanted to come to apologize for his actions. She also reveals she’s a lesbian, a Democrat, and voting for the opposition. Trip is in world war 3 and doesn’t even know it! I almost feel bad for the guy. That conversation ends rather pleasantly and I feel pretty confident Penny will figure out the right time and place to talk to her father, if she ever gets home safely. Just as I thought shit seemed to be getting sketchy, Penny is snatched up and turns up dead the next morning. Dana always know how to keep that mood going…

Now Trip is all fucked up, and I’m all fucked up, and the mood is all fucked up. Plus Penny Pax fake-dead is not a fun thing to see. Dana brings it back to focus by letting this story take us into our 5th and final scene featuring my favorite at the moment, Kira Noir, and the lovely Lyra Louvel. Poor Senator Trip is trying to drown his sorrows in alcohol and lady juices, so he invites these two sex divas over to get it on while he watches (does Dana think Trump can’t get it up and that’s why he’s obsessed with beauty and what can be seen, or is that just me?). Again, we’re right into the sex of it all, but not long before the action starts, Senator Mathis gets up and leaves. I get it. I know I’m watching a porno and sex is the main objective here but something about this scene just felt too soon. I know nobody really died, but you get pulled into the story so deeply that help but feel the plot.

Being the professional I am, I pushed through the hard times and found myself incredibly turned on by Kira and Lyra as well as the dark contrasted theme of the scene. Lyra goes down on Kira first, making her squirm and moan, then the favor is returned and Lyra’s bush was cool to see. Everybody is always so manicured these days. Anyway, they trade clit-jobs for a while before scissoring to multiple orgasms (I swear Kira was fucking Lyra no strap necessary at one point!), but my favorite part was (and usually always is) when the hitachi was pulled out. That thing is powerful, and watching women having orgasm after orgasm with their bodies shaking completely out of control is beyond intoxicating, especially when the women are this hot. Even their moans were enough to push me over the edge. The sex was light and playful in this scene and I’m happy I stuck around for it. At one point Lyra is teasing Kira and Kira responds with a huge laugh “you fucking bitch…” Now that’s when you know you’re having a good time and doing it the right way. I wonder if they even noticed Trip bounced way earlier…

So dig this crazy ass drama going on… Senator Mathis’ own campaign manager killed his daughter. He knew the Senator’s daughter was gay and followed her to Senator Hanlon’s hotel room. He probably thought they fucked and wanted to talk to her in an attempt to protect the Senator. Seeing him behind bars was gratifying but I wish somebody punched him in the face before all was said and done. To keep things moving, Hanlon won the election, Mathis congratulated her on inauguration day, and they even had a heart-to-heart about her last conversation with his daughter. My only beef was the way Hanlon came out during her acceptance speech. Something about it felt sneaky to me, like she couldn’t do it unless she was already elected and they couldn’t take it back. That’s more like a personal problem than an actual critique, but it stuck with me during her final words. Don’t you love with a porno makes you think!?

The Candidate is another classic Dana Vespoli and Sweetheart Video can add to their vault of hits. The story is rooted in real life and completely captivating, and the acting drives the whole thing. I was so intrigued by the acting in fact that I reached out to Brandi Love for a quote on what it was like playing a Democrat when she’s so openly and publicly conservative, to which she replied via Twitter “I LOVED the part! Reminded me that there are a number of issues where I’m comfortably left of center.” And it left me with a feeling of hope people. That’s right, porn gave me hope! At the end of the day, it’s up to us regular everyday citizens to let the government know how we feel, and Brandi Love’s acting and role in this movie reminded me that the only responsible way to do that is issue by issue. Alright, I’ll stop preaching, but real shit, check out The Candidate, follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1, and let me know what you think of porn, politics and Penny’s precious boobs! You stay classy, horny people.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Lesbian Porn For Lesbians

Here at HotMoviesForHer, we pay attention to what the people want, so when we did some research and found out that a good majority of you are out there searching for lesbian porn for lesbian women, I jumped all over the opportunity to point you in the right direction. Below is a list of studios that create genuine lesbian content for lesbians and a few movies from each to start you off…

Pink And White Productions

It would be blasphemy not to start this list off with Pink And White Productions. Directed by Shine Louise Houston, P&W is known for its array of sexuality, genders, and genres. Everything from them is inclusive and fluid, with something for everyone to comfortably enjoy. Seriously, there’s a CrashPad for every single mood you can think of and some you can’t. I absolutely love it!  The influence Pink & White Productions has had on gender queer pornography, actors, and the industry as a whole cannot be ignored, and if you’re looking for authentic content absent of gender lines, there’s no better place to start. Below are three of my favorites to serve as a starting point…

Filly Films

What I love about Filly Films most is that they center their movies around women who enjoy sexual encounters with other women. For a lot of us whether the actress is actually a lesbian isn’t a factor when picking a movie. Instead we want to see someone enjoying the person they’re with, not thinking about the paycheck they’ll get to cash if they get through the scene. We’ve all seen the girl giving head for about 30 seconds using only the tip of her tongue with an expression on her face like she’s licking a sour apple, and then spend the rest of the time staring into the camera making “O” shapes with her mouth. That’s for the fellas. For us lesbos you gotta come with something real, something we can relate to and throw ourselves into the fantasy. Filly Films is great at that and A Girl’s Tale is the perfect place to start in my opinion.

LilyCade.com

With her rise to the top of genuine lesbian actresses (having real lesbian sex) Lily Cade‘s studio LilyCade.com must be on this list and I’ve gone on and on about her in this interview and too many movie reviews to count. Everyone’s favorite redhead has beat a lot of odds in this industry and once you really dive into some of her work it’s easy to see why. Her short red hair, raspy voice, and aggressiveness pull you in right away while her acting (and writing) brings every character she plays to life and keeps you glued to the screen. It’s impossible to name my favorite LilyCade.com titles (just about every one featuring Officer Cade is amazing) but here are a few that I keep on repeat.

Girlsway

Bree Mills and Stills By Alan are the power forces behind Girlsway and you’re truly missing out on something if you don’t check out their brilliant movies. They successfully fuse social issues and concerns, like the fear of catching gay (yup, that’s a thing) in with incredibly erotic lesbian porn. Like Filly Films, Girlsway casts a variety of actresses, a lot of whom aren’t lesbians, but what sets them apart for me is the writing and acting that goes into everything they produce. I write in my reviews all the time that it’s so easy to forget you’re watching a porno, even during sex scenes, because it feels like you’re watching a movie on the big screen. Seriously, you’re doing yourself an injustice if you never tune into The Turning and Project Pandora – A Psychosexual Lesbian Thriller, and below are three more that are near and dear to my heart. Have fun!

Viv Thomas

Viv Thomas takes a very different approach to lesbian sex. At first glance I want to say they’re more on the softer side of girl-girl action, what most people expect when they think of two girls having sex. Where this studio sets itself apart is its attention to detail and the intensely close-up camera work that I’ve grown to love. There’s also an artistic approach to the way they capture women exploring themselves and each other that just can’t be taken for granted. Just look at their box covers…

UltimateSurrender.com

From the beautiful minds over at Kink.com comes UltimateSurrender.com, competitive girl-girl sexual wrestling, featuring hardcore face-sitting and strap-on sex. I love playful fighting and aggressive wrestling that turns into sex, so I can never get enough of Ultimate Surrender. Plus, they have actresses from all walks of life like Lily Cade, Ana Foxxx, and Andre Shakti getting all oiled up and fighting each other to the point of strap-on domination for the winner. Do I even need to say any more!?

OffWorld

OffWorld currently houses only 4 titles, but I like to think that’s because Magdalene St. Michaels is extremely busy pleasing women around the world non-stop and doesn’t always think to pull her handycam out. That’s right, the same Magdalene St. Michaels that Girlfriends Films has endeared in our hearts for years! There’s something about the way she looks at and caresses a woman that’s enough to send anybody over the edge. Check out my review of her Stranded series. You’re gonna love it…

Triangle Films

I didn’t know much about Triangle Films until I reviewed 2016’s Blue Collar Lesbians, but after watching that one I had to know more about Kathryn Annelle and her approach to top notch authentic lesbian porn. Since 2006, Triangle Films has been producing feature after feature of electrifying plots and incredible sex created by women for women. Loaded with fan favorites such as Jizz Lee, Dana DeArmond, Syd Blakovich, and Sasha Grey, how could you not want to know more about this studio!?

AbbyWinters.com

The one word that immediately comes to mind when thinking of AbbyWinters.com is “authentic.” Everything they do is genuine. Casting mostly European amateurs between 18 and 25 years of age, AbbyWinters manages to take you into the bedroom of every day girls and watch as they explore multiple positions (I always find it interesting that amateurs explore more made-for-porn positions than porn stars), and give and receive multiple orgasms all while keeping the atmosphere light and playful. I love the before and after interviews, and with a catalogue totaling over 300 movies, there’s always something new to find. For lesbians looking for authentic lesbian porn this is a really good studio to explore.

WhippedAss.com

To top off the list we go back to the beautifully warped minds of those running Kink.com to WhippedAss.com. If you’re anything like me, you like to mix things up a bit and there’s no better place to start mixing shit together than WhippedAss. Lesbian Femdom at its finest is an understatement! You get everything from domination and discipline to humiliation smothering, but there a reason “ass” is a part of the studio name. They whip, cane, spank, slap, and do just about everything else you can think of to my favorite part of the female anatomy and it is beyond fun and sexy to watch. Start wherever you want with this studio because we all end up in orgasm heaven by the end!

These are 10 of my go-to studios for high quality authentic lesbian porn made with lesbian viewers in mind, but there are plenty more to me discovered on the site. Pick a starting point, dive in, and get those fingers nice, wet, and messy. Until next time, make sure to follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for the latest on all things lesbo and some random shit that pops out of my mind from time to time.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Bed Party – Jack Hammer XL And Nikki Darling

Bed Party – Jack Hammer and Nikki Darling from Shine Louise Houston for Pink And White Productions is exactly what the doctor ordered. Right off the bat the viewer is greeted with fun and playful classical music to accompany the opening credits along with the voices of Jack Hammer XL and Nikki Darling responding to interview questions. The pair is asked to identify their sexual identity and already I’m in my zone. Nothing like a self-reflecting stimulating question to get this lesbian in the mood! Jack lands at pansexual while Nikki responds with fluid and queer, and then the next thing I know they’re jumping, butt ass naked, on the bed. Seriously, all porn should start like this. I hadn’t known before watching this flick that the pair is a real life couple, but that fact made this movie that much better in my opinion.

Naturally, the communication between Jack Hammer XL and Nikki Darling is smooth due to the fact that they’re in a relationship off-camera, but it’s also playful and familiar and served as somewhat of a comfort zone for me while watching the scene. Both are really into BDSM, so what they do in this movie doesn’t differ drastically from what they do on a regular basis in their personal bedroom, and it really felt like I was an “insider”. They seem to forget about the camera as Jack binds Nikki with rope and stuffs his dick in her mouth for one of the most impressive deep throats I’ve seen in a long time (and I can’t stand watching BJs!). With arms tied and mouth gagged, Nikki is fucked missionary for a while, much to her delight, before begging for more cock in her mouth. Jack holds out briefly, but it isn’t long before Nikki is being face fucked and taking it all like a champ.

The pair get back to fucking missionary with Nikki still roped up and gagged, when my absolute favorite sex thing in the world happens. They begin to have a conversation! You know you’ve found true ever-lasting love when your partner completely understands your gag talk, but when he/she also understands it while holding a hitachi to your clit forcing orgasm after orgasm, you take him/her home to your momma dammit! That level of familiarity is hard to find because you really have to work at it, and listening to Nikki and Jack was a huge turn on. Between the rope burns setting in, the Hitachi burning the midnight oil on her clit, and Jack demanding to be told what he’s going to be served for dinner later that night, I have no idea how Nikki kept it all together, but she managed to cum repeatedly, answer his questions (chicken marsala for dinner btw), and still convince him that she wouldn’t immediately fall asleep after having another big O (a promise I have never been able to keep).

By now Nikki is begging to cum and Jack is having way too much fun smothering and fucking her, Hitachi still on clit, to let that happen. “Thank you” and “yes” are the only words being uttered, and the build up to the orgasm Nikki’s been asking for is crazy intense! When the release finally happens, you get the sense that both actors have completely forgotten about the cameras in the room, as Jack continues to finger Nikki’s pussy before flipping her over on her stomach and pulling the Hitachi out for one last go round. The rope burns are really evident now and with each squirm Nikki’s skin gets a little darker while I get a little hornier! This last forced orgasm was even more intense, and I couldn’t help but fall in love with the couple as Nikki catches her breathe and calls Jack a jerk.

The whimsical classical music is back as Jack has Nikki stand up so he can undo his masterful rope skills. I was a little shocked to see that Jack didn’t cum, but it was refreshing at the same time. It shows that his attention is fully on pleasing Nikki and that’s rare to see. He’s surprised she didn’t cum, and we end with Nikki explaining that she just didn’t drink enough water before the shoot… man, I love these two!

Make sure you check out Bed Party – Jack Hammer and Nikki Darling right here on HotMoviesforHer and follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for my latest ramblings and such. Until next time, stay horny beautiful people!

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Alice In Wonderland

alice-in-wonderland-coverLike many of society’s latest and greatest, there were multiple things about myself that I did not come to discover until late into my twenties. For example, I had no clue I too was susceptible to becoming star struck until Charlie Day was walking by the office, preparing to film a scene for It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. My best friend Elizabeth and I proceeded to stalk Danny DeVito’s trailer waiting for him (she’s obsessed). It was a no go, but we had a very interesting conversation with one of the security ladies and I got this cool ass picture!

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Anyway, I also discovered my extreme love for musicals and all things singing fairly late in life. I’m one of those people who walks around the house sing-talking out loud to myself (I answer I won’t lie) and it is glorious! Now, to add to my list of discoveries is porn parody musicals. Bill Osco’s 1976 sexual rendition of Alice In Wonderland for Arrow Productions is an instant classic and a must see! I can’t guarantee that you’ll bust a nut, but like most of the movies I review, this one will certainly entertain and I really can’t foresee a situation where anyone walks away disappointed.

Scene 1 – Kristine De Bell

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Kristine De Bell is almost too damn cute in that blue dress with her blue eyes and her hair flowing out like that! She’s already the perfect Alice and everything from the opening credits to the opening sequence makes me feel all happy and tingly inside. When we open, Alice, working as a librarian, is in a bad mood. Some dude named William, played by Ron Nelson, is all up in her space trying to push up, but Alice isn’t ready. He tells her she’s a girl trapped in a woman’s body and this gets Alice thinking. Here we get our first magical song, themed around Alice embracing her womanhood and growing up. There’s something about a singing woman that will always turn me on, just as there’s something about a person sized bunny popping up behind her that will turn me right the fuck off.

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Naturally Alice can’t help but follow the giant bunz through a magical portal. To be fair, I would have done the same considering his declaration that she can decide to grow up all over again. The special effects were pretty cool even if outdated and the whimsical accompanying music kept everything in perspective.

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Scene 2 – Kristine De Bell & Alan Novak

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As we all know Alice falls behind the rabbit and ends up lost in his woods. This time around though she falls into a lake or something and meets a gang of in-tune furry friends who make her feel at ease with the idea of being comfortable in her skin. They sing song #2, a really cute tune about living life to the fullest without fear of judgement or failure. Everything is okay as long as you want it to be. This is a good place for a splif if you’re into that kind of thing, just saying. After the song and dance, a still-dripping-wet Alice realizes she’s at risk of getting sick and needs to dry off. Of course there are no towels laying around the woods but the furry friends have an even better idea. They lick her dry from head to toe with Alice getting hornier and hornier. She controls her urges, but lets them know how she’s feeling, and after their approval she lays back and enjoys the licking.

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A now-dry Alice gets dressed in a newly gifted white skimp dress and top and heads on her way through the woods in search of the rabbit, but not before a stern warning from her cat friends to stay clear of the Queen. As you can see from the image above, our little Alice is no longer shy with her own body, and apparently a creepy guy voice looking in doesn’t bother her either. She came a long way in no time! At first I thought it to be her conscious but after he revealed he was in fact the rock she was sitting on, I was out. I will do and try a lot of things, my mind is never closed, but masturbating in front of a talking rock is not one of those things. I can draw my lines where I want dammit! Alice nonetheless continues to enjoy herself before getting dressed and being walked up on by that damn rabbit again.

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Mr. Pop-Up Bunny is still rude as hell but this time he invites her to a tea party. They’re already late because he’s always the fuck late (I have issues with the rabbit if you couldn’t tell by now) so he rushes her through the woods until they reach that little pleasant arrangement up there. They’re there for all of 2 minutes before The Mad Hatter, played by Alan Novak, whips out his dick causing Alice to cover her eyes in childish embarrassment. Of course the ignorant ass rabbit peaces the hell out, leaving Alice alone with a pretty out-there dude and his dick. Keeping up with her curiosity, Alice touches the Hatter’s dick and watches in wonder as it bounces up and down in response. Before you can get your hands back in your pants, her mouth is all over that thing and I’m no longer convinced Alice is a virgin, at least when it comes to giving head. She has the Hatter’s cum all over her lips before long and he looks more than pleased with the experience. Since this is her first time, Alice thought she broke his penis after he came and went soft, but couldn’t have been happier upon learning that wasn’t the case. Don’t you love it when things work out!?

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Scene 3 – Nancy Dare & Terri Hall

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After Alice sucks the Hatter off, there’s a ground-shaking moment, but not the type ladies hope for. Alice asks what’s going on and Hatter responds “He’s done it again…Humpty.” That leads me to believe shit it about go down. The pair run through the woods to find Humpty and another gentleman near a wall. After a spectacular rhyming sequence, we learn that Humpty fell off a wall, hurt his balls, and can’t get it up anymore. His last hope is a pair of dancing nurses, Nancy Dare and Terri Hall, who strut their stuff like there’s no tomorrow. They dance and strip in front of Humpty and the gang, touching and rubbing all over each other.

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Unfortunately Humpty still can’t seem to get his dick hard, but The Mad Hatter, never one to give in to a problem, suggests Alice try to help the broken egg. Humpty agrees to give it a shot and begins telling Alice how important and famous he once was throughout the forest. Between stroking and sucking his cock, Alice assures Humpty that just because he’s broken doesn’t mean he can’t still be great. Just as the words leave her mouth, he gets hard and she yells for everyone to come take a look. I got a kick out of how proud and happy everyone was as they danced in a circle singing “his ding-a-lings up” while holding hands. I wish people got that excited for me!

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Scene 4 – Bree Anthony & Tony Richards

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Lost in the woods again, Alice, The Mad Hatter, and Mr. Rabbit run into Tweedledee and Tweedledum, played by Bree Anthony and Tony Richards. This ain’t the story from your childhood though. Tweedledum and Tweedledee are love buddies who can’t get enough of making each other cum and cum and cum. They even sing a song about it! After introductions the team sits Alice in a chair for front row treatment and we finally have our first full blown sex scene!

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This entire scene is really fun and whimsical from the music to the character’s interactions. The feel is light and playful, which fits perfectly with the overall theme of the movie and I like how the main objective of getting Alice in touch with her sexuality is never lost. The sex between Tweedledee and Tweedledum serves as a tutorial and by the end Alice certainly gets the point. She watches as the pair gently touch and caress before giving each other head in the 69 position. Bree rides Tony cowgirl until he cums and the energy and passion between the two is undeniable. I wish there were better shots incorporating the action and the actor’s faces, but that’s more of a complaint about classic films in general. Overall, for our first live boy/girl action, this scene gets the job done.

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After the deed is done we get more singing and I couldn’t be happier! Alice is now in search of her own special someone to love/fuck and watching the development of her character is really fun. She’s fully invested at this point and what’s coming next promises to be good.

Scene 5 – EVERYBODY!

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Our 5th scene opens with our favorite trio sitting in the woods when Alice hears a scream in the distance. All three run up to offer help and stumble upon Gila Havana riding a knight, Bruce Finklesteen. You’d think that Alice understands by now, after watching the tweedles get their freak on for her viewing pleasure, but she doesn’t and instead breaks out into song about a nice girl like Gila fucking a knight like Bruce. Since she doesn’t know either of them, I didn’t really understand this point except for Alice coming to terms with fucking in public where anyone can see you, but it was still entertaining, especially the song. The whole gang joins in and before you know it everyone is dancing around. All of a sudden, a knight on a horse rides up, pulls Gila off her Knight yelling “I knew you were cheating on me you bitch!” and takes the knight away to the palace.

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Now, we get our first glimpse into palace life and it looks interesting to say the least. There appears to be a play or some type of performance piece going on. It isn’t until you see the king walking around and the common folk hanging out that you realize this is a just a normal day in the royal court. It’s time for another song, this time from the infamous cards and the choreography is amazing! I can’t believe the amount of time and effort that actually went into just this performance. I was completely glued to the screen and loved every minute of it. Alice and the rabbit find their way to the palace where she’s introduced to and carried off by the King. Of course they start talking about Alice’s virginity and her wish to save it until she’s married, but the King does bring out a valid point that most men learn by high school. There’s no guarantee that any of us will live long enough to get married. Hell, we might decide not to get married at all by the time common sense kicks in! Plus, sex isn’t a spot or blemish you carry around with you, so you aren’t ruining anything for your future spouse by engaging in a little coitus anyway. I like this King…dude is smooth in a Curtis Mayfield type of way and that’s always a good thing. Anyway, he helps Alice come to see that sex is all about trusting yourself, not other people, and right then in walks the Queen. Alice was in the middle of getting some royal head from the King when she notices her and quickly answers the Queen’s questions about who she is. Instead of cutting off her head, the Queen wants some head, but Alice won’t make it easy. She demands a fair trial and the Hatter has a book saying it is indeed true that she be given a fair trial. Personally I would have just given the Queen a good licking. She’s going to have to suck somebody off either way so why not get it out of the way now?

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The court scene is as entertaining as they come! Alice is charged with not having love and ignorance is no excuse. She hasn’t been living life to the fullest, so they’re going to make her start. She’s found guilty and the next thing you know there’s fruit and genitals everywhere! Women are sexily slurping down juices while getting their backs banged out and one of the card ladies eats a huge turkey leg while riding the King’s dick. Tweedledee and Dum make another appearance, this time a little more creepy than before, and a French speaking woman asks “who do I have to fuck to get out of this movie?” which I found pretty hilarious. There’s plenty of p-in-v to go around in this scene, although it does go rather quickly.

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Scene 6 – Nancy Dare, Terri Hall, Ron Nelson & Kristine De Bell

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Nancy and Terri bathe and powder Alice, getting her ready for the big event – her first time with another person! They even go as far as fondling her pussy a little to get her relaxed and ready. There’s lots of light kissing and pretty music but when the Queen walks in on the trio, the tone completely refocuses. The music now sounds like something Queen Elizabeth brushes her teeth to, and the mean Queen is giving out directions left and right. She likes her nipples toyed with as she’s getting head and Alice diligently obliges until she sees an opening to escape. Helped by her loyal pals, Alice, Hatter, and the rabbit make a run for it with the naked queen and her royal court chasing after them through the woods. The cartoon animation used in this sequence made it even more enjoyable. The only way out is the way Alice arrived: in the lake, and since she can’t swim that could be a huge problem.

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We’re back in the library now and William walks in just as Alice is coming to. Still in a daze, she tells William not to apologize for their argument earlier as she begins taking his clothes off. Way to go Alice! Out little virgin takes control of the scene like a seasoned vet and even tells William what she likes and how she likes it. This scene is deliberately slow and gentle, filled with lots of “you’re so beautiful,” and “I can’t believe this is happening,” but everything feels in place. Alice has been working up to this moment the entire movie so it makes sense for her to take her time through it, not to mention it is her first time with another person. When she says she wants to feel him inside of her William is so taken back he looks at her with a smile on his face asking if she’s the real Alice. Watching Kristine finally have sex was great, especially when she thanked the Hatter and rabbit out loud before cumming.

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I was truly sad to see this one end. It was a blast to watch, even if it didn’t get my lady parts throbbing as I’d hoped. The acting was terrific and the story was creative and fun. Seriously, you have to watch Alice In Wonderland just to say you’ve seen it.

That’s all I have for now folks, but make sure you follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for pictures, info and reviews.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Election Day Positions

election-day

With election day here I thought it would be a good idea to put together a list of positions fit for everything that is the 2016 Presidential Election for the good ole US of A. Be careful, it’s all fun and shit today, but you might pay for it tomorrow…

The Squeeze

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I figured we’d start with all the undecided voters out there since there’s a record amount this year. Just like Ariana Marie up there, you’re being squeezed with lots of pressure mounting from all sides. There are derogatory recordings and countless emails to sift through, with everybody from your momma and aunties to Jay-Z and Beyonce telling you to go out and vote. At first, you think you can handle it, but at this point the stress is almost unbearable and you just want it to be over! Don’t worry, it almost is. Just remember that at the end of the day, no matter which way you lean, there’s still a dick in your mouth, and it’s gonna be there for the next 4 years, so make sure at the very least it’s the dick of your choice!

Manhandled

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For those of you unaware, that very strong man up there (with his boots still on…rude!) is Prince Yahshua, and he is manhandling the very beautiful Kagney Lynn Karter. When Prince gets his legs wrapped around you like that it’s over. You’re getting manhandled and there’s nothing you can do about it. From that position he may choose to flip you over into a pile driver or standing 69 but you won’t have any control over it. This election is manhandling the American people as I type! You feel like you’re making a choice and taking an active role in your future, but look at the choices…just like with Yahshua up there, you’re fucked.

Too Damn Much

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In the closing weeks approaching Election Day I’ve seen anti Hillary Clinton television ads with her drawn as a cartoon figure pulling puppet strings with The Simpsons theme song playing in the background. I’ve seen drawn images of Donald Trump groping more pussies than I’ve ever witnessed in porn, and The New York Times vs. The Wall Street Journal battle has reached a new level of nuclear passive aggressive warfare. Everybody is doing too damn much just like that creative threesome up there! I mean, I can’t turn on the T.V., open a newspaper or magazine, or walk past a billboard without being subjected to one outrageous statement after the next, all filled with opinions that if you ask me are all wrong (I’m a philosophy major, I get to call your opinion wrong, accept it). Please, keep the creativity coming and the wheels spinning, but at some point we have to draw a line. Does that shit up there look safe to you!? Exactly, and neither is this election.

The Spidey-Blow

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Ever since that damn Spider-Man movie everybody wants to do everything upside down. This entire election is upside down and has been since the very beginning. The choices leading up to Donald and Hillary weren’t great to begin with, which is how we find ourselves in this place. Bending over backwards trying to make the best decision for your future and those you love just to take a dick in the throat at the end of the day. Plus you wake up with back pain in the morning.

It Hurts

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Jackie had fair warning. She knew what she was getting into before she got there. The information was out there and Lorenzo made himself available for questions and explanations. You can tell by the look on her face and how she tightens her body and keeps it that way while he fucks her in the ass. She’s bracing herself and yet here she is, experiencing pain and pleasure at the highest level possible (if you disagree you’ve obviously never had anything up your ass). That’s what we’re headed for over the next 4 years people. No matter which way you vote, you’re going to have the good with the bad. Emails and gropes, insults and non-explanations, walls and wars; this is our future, so tighten up, brace for the pain when it comes, and pray to whoever the fuck you pray to for an orgasm to quickly follow.

Follow The Authentic Lesbian on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for political insight into the doom that is sure to come…and go.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Why You Should Pay For Your Porn

pay-for-your-porn-edit

When it comes to why you should pay for porn instead of watching free stuff on tube sites, most people already know the main arguments. The industry will die out if consumers don’t invest and support it, beloved performers will cease performing, you’re stealing and morally corrupting your soul… you know, the usual guilt-laced rhetoric. If you’re an honest and decent human being that will do the trick and you should be proud of yourself. Most of us aren’t honest and decent human beings however, and for those who fall into that category (my kindred), I have a list of five reasons you should pay for porn that will hopefully reach your cold, dark, unethical heart.

Build Up Your Staminastamina

Yes, most of us only need a good 8 to 10 minutes to successfully rub one out, and even then we’re leaving plenty of room to drag it out, but don’t you want to last longer? Especially when you’re actually with another person? Well, just like the old saying goes, practice makes perfect, and you can’t reach perfection with just a 10-minute clip. That’s where paying for porn pays off for you! On our site you can buy full movies, scenes, or pay by the minute, which means most of us will have a little time to spare. I like to spend my extra time watching the rest of the scene, and usually I get worked up all over again. Being more than just a one-and-done girl was that simple.

Hide Your History

history-hide-editPeople don’t like sharing their porn interests, and for good reason. You don’t necessarily want your girl, who happens to be battling an eating disorder, to know about your intense passion for BBW porn. You also don’t want your grandma, who needs to open your laptop whenever she straightens up the computer room, to find out you recently became fascinated with how a gummy blowjob, complete with dentures on the nightstand, feels. This is a lesson I learned the hard way, and one you don’t have to worry about when you pay for porn! Just like anything you pay for these days, paid adult sites like ours have preferences you can set to automatically clear or hide your history. Even if you leave the site up and logged in while you’re away, nosey little brother won’t be able to see what you were beaming to the Chromecast late last night.

No Ad Distractions

distractionI finally found what looks like the perfect female orgasm massage 7-minute clip and my mood is already set. The laptop is set up to avoid the sun glare from the window, my pillow is propped up and ready to provide ample support, the door is locked for those who were raised without manners and constantly forget to knock, and the authentic lesbian is ready for pleasure time! Sure, I had to browse through 17 pages of clips, but the leg work is done and I plan to be actively napping 15 minutes from now. I hit play and everything is going according to plan when suddenly out of the corner of my right eye I see an alien face fucking the shit out of a schoolgirl with his green penis that also happens to have a penis! What the fuck man?! I can’t stop looking now, it’s like a train wreck, but my mood is completely shot. Maybe some of you can masturbate while that shit is going on, but my attention span is way too fickle. Moment ruined.

Soooo Much Crazy Shit To Discover

balloon-coverWhen you pay for something you try to get the most out of it, and with porn it’s no different. The 2nd thing I did when my paid subscription started was browse through categories I’d never heard of or wanted to know more about. I didn’t know people were into fully dressed women popping balloons while smoking cigarettes, but I do now, and I think I’m a better person for it. I also never stopped to think that camel toe was a turn on for people, and while I knew foot fetishes were a happening thing, I had no idea people could lose their shit just watching random women walk around a park in various footwear. I’m telling you, it really puts a lot of things into perspective when you start wandering outside of your comfort zone, and I’m only scratching the surface here. Plus, you might find something you’re into that otherwise you never would have looked for on those unorganized, ad-filled tube sites.

You Can Make It Personal

personalOn HotMovies and HotMoviesforHer we recommend movies for you based on what you’ve previously watched, and while this might not sound like a big deal, it’s a huge time saver when you’re looking for something new, and it’s a way to make sure you see what you like regardless of how old or new it is. My favorite though is the live chat. Just like with web cam girls, this experience is completely tailored for your personal taste. It brings the fantasy to life even more when you hear a woman saying your name and speaking directly to you. I can’t even explain the rush from just thinking about it. You can’t get that experience if you don’t pay for it though, and trust me, it’s worth it! It’s like back in the day when everyone tried to make interactive DVDs, except it doesn’t suck.

I’m willing to bet I’ve appealed to your narcissistic and self-preserving personality since the moral and ethical arguments didn’t get through and, if you don’t already, hopefully you’ll start paying for your porn. You pay one way or another to nut anyway, so put on your Spike Lee ball cap do the right thing!

 

The Authentic Lesbian hails from Baltimore City and often finds herself wondering why people look at her funny when she’s talking about giant clits and the possibility of real alien amateur porn while waiting on the bus stop. If all or none of this interests you, you should follow her on twitter @authenticlezz1 because she’s in an invisible competition for followers with the rest of the Twitterverse, and right now it’s just sad.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: The Marine

the-marine-coverThe Marine is the first movie HotMoviesforHer has gotten from director Steve Jones and Elite X Films, and it is a hell of a way to start a relationship. The story focuses on an ex-Marine, Chris, played by Chad White, who finds himself in the middle of a rather bizarre lust/potential love triangle with way more than your average complications. Jessica, played by Tasha Reign, is a freaky, fun, horny woman who you definitely want to share the bedroom with (more than once), but probably don’t take home to meet the family, while Sarah, Daisy Haze’s character, seems more reserved and laid back, someone you can settle down with. All of that is about to change though as Chris finds himself in the middle of some bullshit he couldn’t have possibly seen coming. This action packed porno has a lot of dialogue and story setup between sex, but the development of the story along with the production quality and overall good acting kept me invested in the story even between the sex.

 

Scene 1 – Chad White & Tasha Reign & Dana DeArmond

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While working out at the gym, Chris gets a text from fuck buddy with even more benefits, Jessica, suggesting that if he came over she would make it worth the trip. Chris smirks, obviously knowing what she wants, and politely declines, which completely baffles me. Cut to Sarah’s apartment where she showering (wish they would have included a solo scene right here) and getting ready for her day. Suddenly she gets a phone call from some shady dude talking about “Don’t be late, this guy is a high paying customer,” and I’m instantly like “Is she a tute!?” Then he says, “Don’t be a bitch this time,” and I know not only is she a prostitute, but she isn’t particularly happy with her career at the moment.

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Now it becomes evident why Chris blew Jessica of earlier. He takes Sarah out on a date that lasts all day and includes grabbing a bite to eat, traveling around the city hand in hand, and stopping for make out sessions. They seem to be having a great time in each other’s company, and even though it’s been a while before I’ve seen a titty or some ass, I’m really into the story and like watching the pair get to know each other. Chad and Daisy do a good job selling the plot to the audience. Most of the time smooth jazz is playing in the forefront so we only see them interacting instead of hearing their conversation, but the long deep stares in the eyes and the slow coming together for soft light kisses pull me in. Both Chris’ and Sarah’s phones are blowing up with neither paying much attention. I have a feeling Sarah’s has to do with the client she’s supposed to be meeting while Chris is getting nudes from Jessica, whose roommate, the gorgeous Dana DeArmond, just joined her in the bedroom.

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Chris drops Sarah off back at her place, and while he’s getting text messages like the one above, Sarah is met by some strong armed dude waiting for her in her crib. He shoves her around a little, making her get dressed for her client before dragging her outside and throwing her into a black truck (that’s never good). Chris sees all this shit go down and I think he’s already made up his mind to go and save the day, but not before getting his dick wet. So he heads over to Jessica’s house for a quick dip in the cookie jar, and even he couldn’t imagine what was there waiting for him.

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As soon as he walks in the door, the girls hurry to pull his clothes off and jump on his dick like two women possessed, and he loves every single minute of it! Dana fucks him first, bounding up and down on his dick cowgirl style while Jessica sits on his face and gets her pussy licked. I found Tasha Reign’s moaning to be forced and a little annoying, but it didn’t take me completely out of the mood. The balance between the three players in this threesome is on point and it made the sex even better! As Chris is fucking Dana missionary right before cumming all over her stomach, they have this eye contact thing going on that drove me crazy! Dana gives a naughty smirk as Chris teases her clit with the tip of his dick and it was like they forgot the cameras were even in the room. I love when chemistry gets captured on film like that and it proved to be that little push that I needed to send me over the edge.

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Scene 2 – Daisy Haze & Nick Manning

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Chris is so pleased with himself that he lights and smokes a cigar as he’s walking out of Jessica’s spot with a grin on his face. It doesn’t last long though as he’s approached by a gang of punks looking to scare him with a warning to leave her (Sarah) alone. Naturally he kicks their asses even disarming them of a gun in the process. After chasing the last of the assailants and taking a knife away from him, Chris learns that Sarah is a prostitute and gets told that some guy named John is going to kill him. Chris demands to know where Sarah was taken and the adventure begins (only after busting a nut though…priorities man, priorities).

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Sarah now finds herself being guiding down a fancy hotel hallway towards who I’m guessing is her high paying client that she’s been warned to treat right. Turns out Carlos, played by Nick Manning, is her client for the evening and after wrapping up a rather aggressive secret text message handling some illegal business with a guy named Juan, he’s ready to get his rocks off and doesn’t appreciate the wait he’s had to endure. He tells Sarah to show him what she’s got and she slowly and seductively begins taking her clothes off. He tells her she looked better in her pictures, but that doesn’t stop him from taking his clothes off, shoving his dick in her mouth, and fucking her face in a blowjob scene even I enjoyed! Daisy seems really into the sex from the very beginning and Nick capitalizes on it by building from her comfortability with him and using it throughout the scene. There’s lots of intense eye contact, hard kissing, titty groping and slapping as Nick puts the old dick down on Daisy!

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I love how Nick stayed in character and brought Carlos to life even more through the sex. He’s a very powerful and overwhelming man with an intimidating power he carries around with him, and it’s not only evident that he’s powerful but also on the wrong side of the law (where’s Officer Cade when you need her!?). During the sex he’s always in control and does what he can to dominate Sarah and make her his submissive, which she submits to happily after a few of those long strokes. Carlos fucks Sarah doggy style with a purpose, and as her moans grow louder and louder I’m pulled deeper and deeper into the action. I can tell Daisy isn’t faking and that enhances the fantasy in my opinion. Carlos continues changing pace and fucking Sarah silly until they both end up looking like this, real shit…

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This is my favorite sex scene of the movie and I’m not afraid to declare that the truth even before getting through the third and final scene. They’re both dripping in sweat from going at it so hard and I’m pretty sure everyone on set needed at least a 15-minute break after all was said and done. Nick managed to fit his famous “dropping loads” phrase in there while teaching the young fellas out there exactly how it’s done. In the scheme of the movie though, this scene left me feeling a little guilty and confused. We already know Sarah doesn’t enjoy her job and didn’t want to be there in the first place, but when it comes down to it we see a woman willing to completely give in to this man’s every desire while submitting to him in the process and loving how it feels. I get it, this is a porno flick, no need to dive unnecessarily deep. But it’s hard to separate the sex from the plot, especially when they do such a good job of incorporating the two into each other.

Scene 3 – Chad White & Daisy Haze

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While Sarah and Carlos are laid out like they just had the best sex of their lives, Chris is confronting Carlos’ kill squad in an attempt to rescue Sarah. Using one of the punks who tried to scare him into staying away from Sarah, he gains entry into the hotel room, kicks more serious ass, shooting a few people in the process, and finally finds his damsel in distress. They run through the hotel hallways to back stairwells until they reach Chris’ car where he questions her career choice. It turns out her mom is dying from cancer and she needs all the money she can get for treatments and therapy. All of a sudden a phone in the jacket Sarah’s wearing starts to ring and it’s Carlos’. Chris tells Carlos to pay Sarah 100k, to which Carlos laughs (I did too…I mean the sex was great but 100k?) and hangs up the phone before instructing the strong arm of his kill squad to find Chris and Sarah and do some not-so-nice things to them.

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Chris takes Sarah to the apartment of the president of the geek squad where they discover, by hacking into Carlos’ security locked phone, that he’s a drug lord with 653 million bucks sitting in an account. Before they can decide what to do with the information, Chris and Sarah are tracked and hunted down by the kill squad and a pretty cool gun fight ensues. The special effects are better than anything I’ve seen in a porno before and I really got wrapped up in the action. Especially when everything comes to a head as Chris and strong arm kill squad leader duke it out on the roof top, no guns, just good ole fist to fist combat! Of course Chris wins and escapes with the girl unharmed.

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We’re now waking up in what I’m guessing is Chris’ house with Sarah placing light kisses on his chest to wake him up. She gives him a blowjob to start things off (breakfast done right) and his dick gets as hard as a rock. They get it in cowgirl first, and I realize I really like watching Daisy get fucked. She’s enthusiastic and brings a lot of energy but still manages to stay a little submissive, fitting with her character, throughout the ordeal. As much as I enjoyed and appreciated that, the sex felt a little boring this time around. Maybe it’s because it follows the wild and crazy sex that she just had with Nick, or maybe it’s because it was a little softer this time around, but whatever the case I thought it could have been better. That being said, it isn’t terrible by any stretch of the imagination. There’s hair pulling during doggy style, which is always a turn on, and you can tell Chad is digging deep from Daisy’s facial expressions during missionary. Her eyes roll back in her head as he cums on her belly, and even if it is a little forced and fake, it still adds a little more intensity to the scene.

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Suddenly Sarah’s phone rings and you hear her say “I didn’t order Chinese food.” Chris picks up on what’s happening right away and hurries Sarah to get dressed because Carlos and his goons have found their hideout. They run down a few steps as the screen fades to black and I’m hoping they’ve already started production on part 2! I’m usually not big on sequels but this story was so good I want to know more. Plus the production quality is way above average for a porno flick and the acting was right up there with it. Action packed sex movies are apparently my thing…who knew! Check out The Marine here on the site and let me know what you think of it in the comments section below. Until next time…

The Authentic Lesbian is a usually jolly woman with a love for reading old newspapers and taking long walks around any body of water. Follow her on Twitter @authenticlezz1 and the gal gang @hotmoviesforher to keep up with the latest movies and news around the biz.

The Authentic Lesbian Review: Assless Chaps

Mr Skin Assless ChapsBefore last week I never bothered to check out a Mr. Skin flick. I wrote them off as being a waste of time and money for anyone not still stuck in their adolescence, getting boners from side boob action in a Hollywood flick. Besides Janet Jackson’s great titty escape (also known as Nipplegate) of Super Bowl XXXVIII, I never really got excited about naked celebrities. Sure, it was cool to finally see Halle Barry’s goods in Monster’s Ball, and I would have given my favorite pair of Jordans at the time to get a glimpse of J. Lo’s perfect naked body in Enough, but celebrity nudity for the most part has always seemed a little too gimmicky for my taste. I don’t want to be teased, I want to get off, and for me that separates porn from movies where a celeb might show some bush or a nipple. While that separation still exists for me even after watching Assless Chaps, I did grow to appreciate the idea and concept of what Mr. Skin movies bring to the pornography table. I can now see where it might be appealing, especially for collectors, to bring together nudity in mainstream movies in one space and further theme it from there. It provides insight into the times and culture of American cinema and it can be pretty damn fun! More than anything else I found myself pausing the movie to jot down titles that I want to check out or remembering old movies and music videos from my teen years.

Mr Skin Assless Chaps

Mr Skin Assless Chaps

First, we have Wendy Hamilton and Julie K. Smith shaking their assless chaps all over a smoky stage in a flick I’ve never seen, which was pretty cool because it lasted for a full minute, followed by Annette Haven in a 1979 film titled 10 that I really want to see just based off this cool ass assless chaps/tits out pool party that’s going on!

Mr Skin Assless Chaps

I’ve never seen Stripper Academy (too busy chasing college girls around), but this group, including Jenae Altschwager in her low rider chaps, looks like something I want to be a part of. I saw beer, cigarettes, hay, cowboy hats, and a half naked excited woman jumping around all in about 30 seconds. Call me intrigued!

Mr Skin Assless Chaps

Everyone knows chaps, assless or not, directly relate to cowboys and girls, but Even Cowgirls Get the Blues caught me by pleasant surprise. I never heard of it before, but it looks spectacular, especially where we pick up, with a line of cowgirls pulling their pants down in front of what appears to be party of snobby high society types. This one was immediately placed at the top of the watch-this-later list.

Mr Skin Assless Chaps

Mr Skin Assless Chaps

When Jessica Alba popped on the screen doing her bar top assless chap dance in the classic Sin City I was instantly hyped up. I completely forgot about that shit! I remember watching that as a freshman in college with my gay girls crew about 2 times a week. We were completely obsessed with that movie. When Christina Aguilera dancing around in the Dirrty video popped on the screen I instantly downloaded the song and added it to my back-in-the-day playlist which turned into me clicking on one Youtube suggestion after the other until I was satisfied that I relived most of my fondest childhood memories through music. For that, I can never thank Mr. Skin enough. Kendra Wilkinson in The Girls Next Door made me pull out my old Playboy and Playgirl collection remembering our first encounter in my older brother’s room, and then it all took a turn for the worst as the clip of Omarosa strutting her stuff on a stripper stage in The Surreal Life made me realize all the evil that reality television has brought into the world, which was only enhanced when Jwoww and Snooky hit the screen in that scene from Jersey Shore when Jwoww was giving her boyfriend something to remember before some time apart. Don’t act like you don’t remember!

Mr Skin Assless Chaps

Lucy Liu starts kicking ass in Payback, another movie I’ve never seen but now want to, and we get a glimpse of Halle Barry in The Last Boy Scout, but what really grabbed my attention came as a special treat at the very end. In what promises to be time spent I won’t regret, Uta Erickson in 1966’s Unholy Matrimony stands in smoke with her breasts exposed, in assless chaps naturally, and holding a rope that happens to have a man tied to it (because why else would one have a rope while wearing that outfit) cracking the fuck up. That is definitely a movie I need to know more about!

Uta Erickson Assless Chaps

Asskess Chaps Mr Skin

There’s no way in hell I could ever get off to this movie and I’m not into naked celebrities or assless chaps enough to spend money on a compilation of the pair, but I had a lot of fun watching Assless Chaps and it inspired a browse of our Mr. Skin flicks here on the site to see what else is out there. I can see myself using this type of content as conversation starters (because I’m normal) or showing one to my friends after a dinner party (again, because I’m normal) and that puts Mr. Skin in a special class of its own. Check it out for yourself and let me know what you think in the comments section. Until next time, follow me on Twitter @authenticlezz1 for all things lesbo!