There is, to paraphrase a lovely old verse, something new beneath the visiting moon.

And I’ve been writing about it quite a bit lately, because I’m still somewhat in shock.

Let me begin by saying that I’ve never completely understood the whole “BDSM” thing. Or I thought I didn’t. I have met and befriended and even “played” with a few well-known masters and S/M couples, and I found the play interesting but not intoxicating. I wondered, then, why I kept “trying it again.” Maybe I’m just a sexual adventuress, I hypothesized. Maybe I’m drawn to extreme experiences and sensations as a sort of intellectual tradition.

The curious thing was that often people well-versed in BDSM would approach me, responding to some “vibe” they felt from me which caused them to believe I was “one of them.” (This even happened with one of the most well-regarded Masters in Los Angeles.) And after my scene with the amazing Kylie Ireland, she told me “It’s weird, but you have an affect on me that no other woman does. I’m submissive with most lovers, but with you, I don’t know if I want to kiss you passionately or beat the crap out of you.” She meant it in a loving way (Kylie and I are friends) but there it was again – I was giving off something that others were picking up on. What was it that I was emanating, and why?

And then I met a new lover, and things started to make sense.

After having sex for the first time with this person, I was in a state of intoxication unlike anything I’d experienced before. It didn’t feel like falling in love — or not in the usual romantic sense. It was more that I wanted to completely submit in ways I had only ever heard about others doing (and had always assumed they were “exaggerating” or being histrionic.) But the real difference with this person was that the dominance was expertly executed without any “props.” No floggers, canes, handcuffs, or blindfolds. Nothing that had previously caused me to think of BDSM as overwhelmed by accouterments and theater. With this lover it was all theater of the mind, and it knocked me on my ass.

“You want to be my slave?” he said, repeating my request with his hand around my throat. “Then you will have to do everything I say. And sometimes it will hurt, and sometimes it will be humiliating.” My whole body tingled with excitement and anticipation. Did I “want” to be his slave? ‘Want’ was too weak a word for what I felt. The desire I felt was without precedent.

And then I had a flashback. Years ago I had been in a strange relationship with a psychologically dominant person who initially exuded a state of utter self-control. He had the manner of someone who was slightly “above it all” and not prone to the emotional needs that afflict most mere mortals. He constantly spoke of being “unable to love,” and described his previous girlfriends as if they were odd species of insect he had studied for a time and ultimately lost interest in (due to their shortcomings and failings, not his.) He seemed untouched by life and by the relationships he’d had — as if for him no woman had ever crossed the rubicon into the land of the Lasting Impression. It was this detached quality that had drawn me in for reasons unknown to me, and I had pursued him with the belief that sex between us would be dark and perverse. Just before we began our affair he said to me, “You’re about to enter the darkest period of your life: your relationship with me.” Dazzled, I had played that statement in my mind over and over again, drunk with anticipation. I realized that was the last time I had felt that “all over body” shiver; that delicious excitement for what was to come.

But then my previous lover hadn’t been ‘dark’ after all – or at least not in the way I’d hoped. What I’d picked up on was not sexual dominance and expertise, but mental illness, emotional dysfunction and contempt for women. Plagued with anxiety and neurosis, his interest in sex was more theoretical than actual. He didn’t show any discernable passion, he wasn’t interested in doing anything kinky beyond the occasional threesome (and then, more so he could brag about it to his friends than for private enjoyment.) So throughout the relationship I felt in a state of denied gratification, as if I was always being teased and excited and then left hanging. I would insist on having sex all night long and still at the end feel unsatisfied. What was it that I wanted? Something big was missing, and I was always trying in vain to get it: groping in the dark, frustrated by things I couldn’t quite name. He was doing something to trigger a deeply sexual response in me, but there seemed to be no satisfying way for me to express it.

And now, without warning, I had stumbled upon the answer. Suddenly a lot of things began to make sense. Learning my need for a psychologically/sexually dominant male lover shed new light on my bisexuality and why I am attracted to women far more often than I am to men. (I don’t need a BDSM dynamic with women, and thus am able to be attracted to them more easily.) But I’ve also learned that true dominance is not synonymous with contempt or hostility — or withholding of love and emotion. In fact, as Ernest Green explained to me once, angry or hostile people make the worst masters and mistresses. Their state of mind is all wrong. Their “power” comes from weakness and inferiority disguised as strength, and ultimately it falls flat.

I also recalled something else Ernest Green said once about the BDSM state of mind: “It’s like being gay.” I’d silently scoffed at that notion, but now it was making sense. I had found, finally, a way to feel completely satisfied. It’s not the only kind of sex I’m capable of enjoying, but I realize now that I need a lover who has the capacity to expertly dominate as part of his sexual repertoire to feel fully engaged.

There is nothing more exciting than learning something new and important about the self that sheds light on past internal mysteries. After all, it’s only by knowing ourselves that we can be fair and honest with others. And to that end, I have made some definite progress.

I’m also making progress in other, less lofty ways, thanks to a little direction. Here’s a little hint: Butt plugs are awesome. And I think Sweetheart Video may need to do a girl/girl anal strap on DVD soon, don’t you? I’m hopeful that the visiting moon will stay a while. As long as we’re alive, and thinking, growing and learning, there are always new mysteries to uncover.

Sweetheart Video’s first releases Lesbian Confessions is now available AT HOTMOVIES and at local retail stores, as well as at www.sweetheartvideo.com. Lezlove Video has given the debut film a 5-star rating and it has earned 4 “A’s” from AVN.com