Recently I’ve been having a problem reaching orgasm when I have sex with my partner. I come easily when I’m by myself, but when I’m with my partner, I get really close to orgasming, but don’t actually get there. He is really supportive about trying, but I end up getting frustrated and stopping the whole thing. What can I do?-All Out Of Answers
Cleveland, OH

This is a really common problem for women and probably happens to everyone at least once in their lives. First of all, let me get this out of the way and say that there is nothing wrong with you.

Since you are able to orgasm by yourself, this is most likely not a physical issue. If you were unable to come even through masturbation, I would suggest that you look at outside factors, such as are you taking any new medications or has your stress level increased recently. But, since you are able to climax at times, I’m guessing that this is more of a mental issue.

I’m not sure what may have started your problems with reaching orgasm, but from your question, it sounds like at this point you’ve become so focused having an orgasm that you’ve made it almost impossible for yourself to relax enough to actually get there. This is where the idea of goal-oriented vs. pleasure-oriented acts comes in.

Goal-oriented sex is what people usually think of when they are thinking about sex. It’s the basic idea of having sex (or fooling around/mutual masturbation/whatever) with the goal of orgasm - meaning that everything is done with the thought of climax in mind. This is pretty much how sex is defined in our society. Just look at how sex is portrayed in the media… no one ever just has sex to enjoy themselves - it’s always about getting off.

Pleasure-oriented, on the other hand, is all about having sex (again, or whatever) for the sake of getting pleasure from it. There is no final destination of orgasm or failure if you never climax. People tend to forget that it is even possible to have sex without worrying about “the big O.”

I would recommend that you and your partner try a pleasure-oriented approach the next few times you have sex and see if that takes the pressure off of you to orgasm. Ban climax from your fooling around and instead focus on making each other feel good. You can start this process with a playdate that doesn’t involve genitals at all, such as massage or focusing on breast play. This forces you to focus on the erotic aspects of other parts of the body that have nothing to do with coming (in a traditional sense).

Then, over a few sexual encounters, incorporate more body parts, including the genitals, but still, don’t let yourselves try to make the other orgasm. Slowly bring climax back into your sex life when it feels right to you and when you feel comfortable enough that it won’t feel like a pressure situation.

Other aspects to think about:

- Has anything changed with your partner? For some people, orgasm is linked to emotional connection, and when the relationship dynamic has changed at all, that connection is changed, which can lead to possibly preventing the same sort of comfort/ability to let go that can be needed to achieve orgasm.

- Is your partner touching you the same way or is something they are doing different? Maybe something has changed in the way you like to be touched? Communication is key to having super hot sex, as well as super hot orgasms.

- Are you stressed out about other things? Are you able to relax and enjoy yourself during sex, or is your mind thinking about the work you have to do, or the house being a mess, or whatever? Even the slightest bit of stress can sometimes make it really hard to enjoy yourself to the fullest during sex - and by fullest, I don’t necessarily mean orgasm, I mean having the most fun you can have at all.

The best advice I can give you is to just try and relax and don’t let yourself get so caught up in coming. Sex is supposed to be fun and hot and something for you to enjoy. Try the exercise I mentioned above and see what happens. You might even learn something new about what you like and what gets you off!

Remember, it’s not about destination, it’s about the journey it takes to get there. Have Fun.

J.D. Bauchery