What exactly is the role of a submissive in a dom/sub sexual act, and how can the submissive make sure she feels empowered? And, how can she make sure her dom is kept in check?-All For Empowerment
Philadelphia, PA
In BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism, a Dominance and Submission (D/s) relationship (I’m using the word relationship because all interactions are relationships in some way – I don’t mean an acutal partnered relationship) is a consentual power exchange that includes one (or more) people to take on a dominating role and one (or more) people to take on a sumbitting role.
A submissive, or sub, in a D/s sex act or relationship sumbits by choice to the will of their dominant partner – all consentually. The role of a dominant (dom) is the opposite – to willingly dominate their partner. Ways of dominating and submitting can include bondage, all kinds of pain play, humliation and so much more.
I really can’t stress enough that BDSM is all consentual and a willing act on both sides. If it is not consentual, then it is problematic and not part of BDSM culture.
One of the keys to having a consentual and totally empowering kinky (as well as any sexual encounter really) experience is open communication. Because there are many different power dynamics in play during a D/s act, there needs to be a totally open dialogue about what acts you are interested and not interested in, what level of dominance or submission you want to partake in, and all the partners limits – both phsyical and mental, just to name a few.
It’s important to establish guidelines and rules before beginning any D/s play, which is sometimes called a scene, because some of the activities can be traumatic to the body and mind and each person needs to be aware of the other’s limits before you get into a situation where those limits have been compromised. Trying to negotiate all the ins and outs of power dynamics while inside those dynamics is pointless because it takes the true consentual nature away from the situation.
An important way to keep the communcation open during the act or scene is to have a predesignated safe word. A safe word is the word either partner says to stop the action, or communicate that something is distressing (ie. flogging is too hard; ropes are cutting off circulation to the wrists). A safe word is usually chosen by the participants and is recommended to be something that you would not usually say or hear in a sexual situation. A great example would be “ardvark” or “umbrella” – basically anything that could not be readily misunderstood by your partners. Using a word like “stop” or “no” is not generally a good idea because they can be confused as part of the action instead of a real request to discontinue. Some people use the red, yellow, green system. Just as a traffic light, green means go, yellow means slow down or proceed with caution and red means stop now.
Keeping a dom in check can be a little tricker, but the rules and consentual nature of power play are designed to ensure this happens. D/s or any other BDSM relationship tend to consist of fairly intense situations and bonds, which means that trust is a huge factor. To truly give yourself over as a sub, you really have to trust that your dom will follow the rules and guidelines that you’ve previously discussed.
It’s difficult to say how to decide whether a person is trustworthy or not. The best advice I can give to finding a dom to trust is to seek out your local BDSM community (online is a great way to find communities, not nessecarily a good and trustworthy partner) and spend some time in the scene. See how people play with each other and how individuals interact within their power plays to think about what kind of dom you’re looking for. Within the community, there is sure to be someone who can point you in the direction of a trustworthy friend or playmate dom.
Dominant and submissive relationships can be exciting and totally hot for everyone involved. With open and honest dialogue and communication, all parties involved should enjoy themselves and feel totally empowered – no matter what role they fill.
Thanks for the question!
J.D. Bauchery
[...] This week we welcome local Dominant, the Masked Mistress, to offer up an insider look at the BSDM community and the role of a Dom in a Dominant/submissive relationship. To learn more about the submissive side of BDSM, check out last week’s column here. [...]