My partner has long nails but still wants to finger-fuck me. Is there any way to make that non-painful without pulling out the nail clippers?
-Scratched and Sore
Portland, OR

Absolutely! One great way for your partner to continue finger-fucking you without having to sacrifice their manicure is to have them place little pieces of cotton balls under the tips of their nails, then wear a latex* glove over their hand to keep the cotton in place. Not only does this keep you from getting scratched and cut, it actually protects their nails from breaking as well. Sexy, safe and scratch-free - a win-win-win situation!

If that trick isn’t an option (sometimes you don’t have cotton balls handy, and not everyone can afford to stop by the local Target and buy a box, though you can usually pick up free gloves at your local LGBTQ health and community centers.), you can still finger-fuck. Just have your partner be conscious of where their nails are inside of you and try to use only the pads of their fingers to touch your vaginal/anal walls. Hard, fast thrusting is not a good idea in this instance.

Not only is being penetrated (vaginally or anally) by fingers with long or jagged nails sometimes painful, they can scratch and nick the walls of the vagina/anus and cause tears in the tissue that can be easy entry for STIs. If your partner does decide to trim their nails, be sure to have them file the edges smooth and rounded. Long or short nails, if you’re not using gloves for finger penetration, you should be washing your hands with soap and making sure to clean under your nails before putting them in anyone’s body.

*The gloves don’t have to be latex. Because many people have latex allergies, other options are easily available, such as nitrile and vinyl gloves. Just be sure that any glove you use is medical grade, as they are approved by the FDA as body fluid barriers.

How long is long enough until it’s appropriate to go down on someone? I could do it on the second date, but it’s not really something you should do unprotected unless you’re both tested and what not, right?
-I’m Goin’ Down
New Brunswick, NJ

The thing about sex and knowing when is the right time to do something is that it is a totally subjective and personal decision – for all parties. Nobody can tell you that you should be ready or want to do anything at a certain or specific time. Your comfort level, feelings towards the situation, the person you’re with, and your thoughts about going down on someone are all factors in deciding when it is appropriate to start having oral sex.

For some people, intercourse can be less intimate than oral sex, so while they may be fine with fucking on the first date, they don’t feel comfortable going down until later in the relationship. Other people feel totally fine with performing any sex act with anyone on the first meeting. Any time is the right time if everyone involved agrees.

The problems arise if a) you feel distressed or pressured to do anything, or b) you’re putting yourself at risk with unsafe practices.

It is never ok for someone to pressure you to do anything, or vice versa. When that happens, the situation switches from consensual and healthy to problematic and an issue. That’s just the way it is.

With STIs (sexually transmitted infections), you are absolutely right that having unprotected oral sex with someone whose health status you are unsure of is considered a risky behavior. Any act where body fluids (the four big ones are vaginal secretions, cum, blood and saliva) are exchanged is risky unless you are sure of both your partner’s and your own STI status.

Fortunately, having safe sex is easy and hot. For penises, a non-lubricated condom works great for oral sex too. For vulvas, dental dams - small, thin rectangles of latex - are great to use as a barrier to prevent body fluid exchange during oral sex. You just stretch the latex and put it against your partner’s genitals and with a few drops of lube on the vulva side (optional), you can start licking away without worry. Dams can easily be made by cutting a non-lubricated condom lengthwise up one side and spreading it flat, or cutting the fingers and up the side of a non-powdered glove. You can even use saran wrap as a barrier – just be sure that it is not the microwavable kind (the steam-releasing holes also let STIs pass through).

To get back on the subject of when oral sex is appropriate – as long as there is open communication about what works for both (or more) partners, whenever works for all is when it is appropriate.

Thanks for your questions!

J.D. Bauchery