My introduction to porn began many years ago. Long before I started working for Girlfriends Films.
I starred in a B/G (boy/girl) video when I was in my early 20s. My costar was my live-in boyfriend, who had a large penis but had never before performed in an adult film and, prior to meeting me, had never considered doing so. However, the notion of his girlfriend fucking a male porn star filled him with a special dread, so he agreed to “costar” in my porno debut. He was the lead singer for a garage band at the time and was quite certain fame was waiting in his future, so he wore a cap pulled down over his face to disguise his identity. However, I was totally recognizable. I had no illusions of grandeur, and I felt relatively sure I’d never run for public office.
It was hard for my boyfriend to “perform” during the scene. The director was nice, but, well, creepy. Not creepy in a sleazy way, but in a “This guy seems nice, but it grosses me out when he calls semen ‘goo,’ in that whispery voice of his,”- way. Often the nice, passive porn guys do seem creepier than the jaded, “show me your tits” types. Perhaps we’ll explore why in a future column.
After we finished the shoot, my boyfriend and I went to McDonalds and ate our double cheeseburgers in silence.
“That was weird,” I finally said.
He nodded, his mouth full. More silence.
We never spoke of it again.
Years later, I was working as a freelance journalist and I thought it would be fun to write an article about the experience of performing as a fetish model. I had long ago left the sex industry, and I didn’t want to have anal sex or suck anyone’s cock to get the article done; I just wanted to write about a “normal girl” doing something freaky. I posted a resume on sexyjobs.com so I could answer one of the ads I’d seen posted. (*You have to “register” and post a resume to answer an ad.) The ad of my interest was looking for models who wanted to be “spanked.”
“I love being spanked!” I thought, merrily composing my responsive email. “This will be a killer article.”
I went to New York and performed in the spanking video (for Kelly Payne) and indeed wrote an article about the experience for Spread Magazine.
And that, I thought, was that.
About a month later, though, I received an email from someone claiming to be a talent agent at a well known porn studio. He had seen my resume on sexyjobs.com, he said, and he wanted to represent me.
“Really?” I said. I had forgotten that my resume and photo were still posted on the site. I was flattered, and curious. He sent me a questionnaire/application and asked that I check the boxes corresponding to everything I was willing to do as a porn actress.
I looked over the application and felt at a loss.
“Cream Pie”? Okay, no idea what that is.
“DP” Um … the fact that it’s referred to by its initials implies that its full name dare not be spoken, so I’m gonna check “NO…”
“B/B/G, G/G/B, B/G…”
What was I getting into?
“NO.” “NO.” “NO.”
“NO.”
I checked “YES” for the boxes next to “G/G” “Solo” and “Fetish.” Then I emailed the application back to the prospective “agent.”
Within an hour, I had in my inbox his angry reply.
“WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?” he demanded to know, in all caps. “You’re at least ten years older than most girls entering the industry, and you ONLY want to go G/G? You’re not going to work at all!! You should take that resume down because you’re misleading people!”
Ouch.
I took a deep breath, and began to compose my response.
“You’re probably right,” I began typing. I knew I shouldn’t really be emailing during work. After all, I had a fax to send for the lawyer I worked for, but I decided that could wait. This felt more important than my job at the law firm. I knew that was irrational, but I still kept typing.
“I certainly didn’t mean to waste your time,” I continued. “I posted that resume so I could write an article, and I actually forgot it was up there. You’re right that I should probably take it down. I realize that I’m competing with much younger women who are willing to do way more, so I’m already at a disadvantage. I hope you understand that I didn’t mean to mislead you, and perhaps our paths will cross under better circumstances in the future.”
I didn’t think he’d bother to reply. The fact that he did, almost right away, was the first of many surprises.
“That,” his response began, “was the nicest email I’ve ever received. How about this: I’d still like to represent you.”
I met with him in person later that week, and he handed me off to another agent who specialized in women who performed only G/G. He took me on a go-see to meet the President of Girlfriends Films.
“Well, we can definitely use you,” the President of GFF said, after asking me if I had any tattoos. (Only a small one, on my ankle.) He booked me for a scene later that week.
The first scene I shot for Girlfriends Films, as I have documented in a previous column, was far from an award winning performance. But after the scene, the GFF camera woman took me aside and said “You know, I think you’re going to be a big star for us. Don’t let that other girl’s performance discourage you. We LIKE you.”
Before I left, the President had booked me for two more scenes later that week. And after those, still more. Within six months, I was writing my own series for Girlfriends Films, and giving my notice at the law firm. Life had taken a sharp left, and I was a little dizzy but felt I knew where I was going. Like those people who claim to drive better when they’re a little drunk, I forged ahead full of confidence that my crazy decision to ditch the “real world” and devote myself to porn was a completely valid career choice.
It’s hard to know what form destiny takes, or why. Why does porn call to me and not to you? Why are some destined to be a lawyer, a baseball player, an opera singer? Why does it happen that in some instances the planets align, and even if some little details go wrong, somehow there is a quick recovery and then onward to glory? Meanwhile, other things we more consciously devote ourselves to are marked by repeated failures, our efforts are thwarted, as we once again submit to bang our head against the wall in denial?
I can’t explain why I answered that “agent’s” email and took a chance on meeting him, or why ultimately I left a stable job to embark on a career as a porn director. I only know that it felt right. And in a world where so many things feel wrong so much of the time, when something feels right it’s best not to question it. I’m still not sure where this journey will take me, but I have never been happier in a profession than I am right now. And if the great philosophers were right and the present is truly eternal, then today’s happiness is enough, however long it lasts.
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
Girlfriends Films
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
GirlfriendsFilms.com
Watch Girlfriends Films now!
Come see Sydni Ellis! An evening of literary performance with Spread Magazine where Sydni will read from her feature article on Kelly Payne.
Where: Bowery Poetry Club in NYC
When: Monday Feb. 19th from 8-10 pm
