When I tell people I’m an adult actress, I can pretty much predict what their questions will be: What’s it like to have sex with people you don’t know? Is it weird? Does it ruin sex for you – do you just get sick of it?
They’re good questions, and I don’t blame people for being curious about how it works – or should I say, IF it works. The answer is, it does. Work, I mean. Or at least, it can. Like most things, state of mind is what’s important when embarking on a career in porn. The attitude you bring to your job has a lot to do with what kind of experience you’re going to have. If you’re a difficult person who has trouble interacting with others, if you struggle with drug or alcohol abuse, or if you suffer from low self esteem, a career in porn may not be right for you. But then, if you’re saddled with those afflictions not many things are going to feel right to you.
The first scene I did was with a lovely young woman who made it clear from the outset that she was not attracted to girls and that “you won’t be getting much out of me, but I can fake it.” I was pretty upset about that, since Girlfriends Films has a strict rule that any performer who wishes to work with us must truly be bisexual or lesbian – not “gay for pay.” Somehow, though, this pretty young thing had slipped through the cracks and was totally unaware of our requirements. It wasn’t her fault, but she wasn’t invited back. And the scene? Suffice it to say it fell utterly flat. When the reviews came out, most said things like “these girls (she and I) have no chemistry” and “the worst scene in the DVD.” Not quite the splash I’d hoped to make with my first effort in lesbian porn.
My second scene was much better. My costar was Brianna Love, and I was a little freaked out to hear that she was in the early stages of pregnancy. I was new to the game, and fresh from my professions as a science writer and paralegal, so I’d been living in a very different world. As such, I had the knee jerk reaction a lot of civilians might have to hearing such news. PREGNANT? And she’s doing PORN? And we’re WRITING IT INTO THE STORY? Is that… okay? Or are we all going straight to Hell? The director assured me it would work perfectly, and that the scene was to go into our Road Queen (Part 3) series.
The good news is, she wasn’t showing! She was beautiful and sweet, and very attracted to women. I was stunned at how different the experience was from my first scene. Brianna was completely professional yet fully present and enjoying herself. I had never been with someone so physically different than me, as I tended to be most attracted to shapely brunettes in real life. Brianna was a tiny blonde. But the improbability of it, the novelty of being with someone so unlike what I was used to, was very exciting. At the same time, I noticed little things she did – pushing my hair away so the camera could get my face into view, taking her time, long gazes into my eyes and deep kissing. She may have been doing it for the good of the scene, but it also made me think: How often do we do this with our lovers in real life? Leave the lights on and gaze into each other’s eyes, really take our time? Doing porn was teaching me to be a better lover. Or at least giving me some new ideas. And learning had never been so much fun.
Brianna played the scene as if I were someone she loved and fully enjoyed making love to. We hadn’t met before that day, and had only chatted briefly before the scene, so this was admittedly an extraordinary experience that not many people have in their day to day lives. After all, one night stands are usually awkward fuck-fests, not loving, sensual experiences.
What the experience wasn’t, for even a moment, was uncomfortable or disturbing. I felt lucky to have worked with Brianna Love. And the pregnancy? It suddenly seemed like no big deal. Why had I been so freaked out about it? I wondered. I realized my judgments and presumptions were based on absolutely no firsthand knowledge or personal experience. They were just carryovers from the stigma society places on sex, sex workers, and even motherhood. I couldn’t find anything wrong with the shoot, or with Brianna, who was lovely, kind and sexy — or with myself.
I was extra happy to see my partner that night. I felt a heightened sense of awareness and stimulation from the shoot, and I wanted to express it with the person I truly loved, and with no camera to worry about playing to.
Do shoots always leave me feeling this way? No. Sometimes I feel over stimulated afterwards. It’s a major adrenaline rush to have an intense sexual encounter with someone you don’t (necessarily) know, and I usually need something to ground me afterward. I’ve been known to call my real life lover repeatedly after a shoot. “Where are you? Call me!” I think I just want to hear, and to say, “I love you” to someone and have it be true. It’s like being on a rollercoaster – great fun and exciting beyond compare, but you’re relieved to feel the steady ground under you again when it’s over.
The question is, do you love the rollercoaster, or does it make you sick? For some of us, the rollercoaster is essential. For others, it just makes them nauseas and it isn’t worth the trouble. And for others still, they fear the rollercoaster and won’t try it at all. All of these reactions are valid, but none of them say anything about the rollercoaster itself. The same with porn. You can experience this world in so many different ways, but it doesn’t say anything definitive about the industry. The answers to these questions are personal, and they’re different for each of us. But for me, I’ve got my E-ticket in hand, and I’m getting back on for another ride.
Much love,
Sydni Ellis
Director, Writer & Performer
Girlfriends Films
sydniellisxxx@aol.com
GirlfriendsFilms.com
Watch Girlfriends Films now!
